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The Payoff for Victim-hood

Posted By: Randy GageMarch 6, 2011

I was a professional victim for almost 30 years.  And millions of people seem determined to hang on to victim-hood for their whole lives.  Why would anyone do that?

I believe we hang on to victim-hood because we believe there is a payoff.  Examples:

  • We get attention
  • We get what we perceive as love
  • It makes us feel noble or spiritual
  • It feeds our unworthiness issues

Are you still hanging on to being a victim?  If so, what payoff do you think you may be getting?

One thing I know for sure. The payoff is a lie!

-RG

63 comments on “The Payoff for Victim-hood”

  1. You were the first person that I ever heard talk about this. At the time, I was broke, struggling, living on less than $1k per month. I scraped some money together and got the "Prosperity" audio set from you (cassettes. back then!) and was shocked to hear that I might be doing all this to myself.

    I still haven't identified exactly what my pay-off was. I think it probably had something to do with the "Hero's Struggle"; the idea that success is supposed to be triumphant; that it's supposed to involve lots of struggling so that the success is sweeter and more dramatic.

    Of course, I found it much sweeter when I could just skip all the drama and nonsense and just achieve what I wanted! 🙂

    But it's still fascinating to me how it all works: that human beings really do subconsciously set up challenges to overcome for a "payoff".

    Thanks for the reminder!

  2. To be honest I have been because I did not really see this trap. In Denmark most of the population have grown up with The law of Jante, wich in short is about not to think you are worth anything, and if you by accident think so, then you will get corrected to find your place, down to earth, and do as all the others do, and that is deeply planted. You will get put down. I have my whole life tried to figure out how to get out of that, but not until the last 10 years began to realize that I bought that myself, and that no one than myself is responsible to change that. And about time. Now I can do something about it. Thank's for your great help 🙂
    Lene

    1. Lene I want to thank you for this post. I have talked to so many friends from Scandinavia and have unknowingly run head long into this thought process. It made me frustrated and sad that the beautiful friends would be so determined to not appreciate their own worth. My whole understanding has changed now!

      Tiffany

      1. Hi Tiffany.
        Yes that is a tough one. I all the time run into this, when I present network marketing to prospects. They get scared and do not believe that it's possible, it's not allowed to be that successful. I'm glad this gave you a better understanding. Nice to connect with you 🙂
        Lene

        1. Lene:

          Having grown up in a real poor,corrupted,and deep inequality country,I have always admired Scandinavians for their treatment of their people economical and socially.
          I guess with that comes a lot of conformity too.
          I don't think I would trade been born in Denmark with Nicaragua.

  3. Randy Gage,
    You are awesome my friend. you are a true inspiration. I was also a victim for many years. Until I took a stand and said no more. Thanks to people like yourself we are encouraged to rise above our current situation and lot in life and transform our lives in a positive way. The first step begins within. Thank you for all you do good sir!!! Have a great day!
    Paul

  4. I have so many examples of this in my own life and in the lives of so many people I have worked with over the years.

    Unfortunately, remaining the victim seems to be the easy path for most because they are fearful of venturing into uncharted territory, and as you have mentioned here, there is a payoff.

    The key here is to replace the payoff for being a victim with a payoff for being a victor! It is not an easy trade-off and there is no instruction manual. It all begins with one simple decision.......

  5. When I was a bit less enlightened, and fully entrenched in the victimhood, I thought that the "payoff" was that I would fit in with the other victims. As I repeat my daily prosperity affirmations I continue to step further away from the place I was. I now stand out versus blend in. I now try to set the example. The payoff of abandoning the victimhood is truly freedom.

    1. I enjoyed reading your post.
      I too had a similar "payoff" of fitting in with victims and being comfortable with "small success." After assimilating Randy's principles, I find it is so much more fun, creative, and energizing fitting in with winners!

  6. Many of us are taught we are entitled to things and we do not have to earn them. That it's "their fault" and not "my fault" that things happened. Personal responsibility is not needed because the system will watch over us.

    The question is what happens when the system breaks down from overload? These folks don't know how to manage for themselves and just get angry at the world.

    1. Entitlement is across all of our society unfortunately.

      Most of us are not taught to take personal responsibility. Unfortunately, it benefits the victims and people who gain from it. It creates a cycle which starts with two or more people and unfortunately can rot a society.

      The system IS breaking down from overload. Why do you think people, businesses, and the government are in such large amounts of debt?

      Why do you think so many people are miserable and unhealthy?

      It isn't because there isn't enough.

  7. It's amazing how we unknowingly screw ourselves over to get secondary gain. It seems simple (not necessarily easy) to identify the secondary gain and then design strategies to get it directly while moving ourselves rapidly toward our highest goals and greatest contribution to the planet. I know this is part of what you teach, Randy, and I love how you teach it.

  8. I guess the illusion is that, if you don't identify with others suffering, any good ideas you have will be overlooked.

  9. Hi Randy,

    Getting attention is a biggie.

    We like attention, and being a victim brings other victims to your aid quicker than anything else. Check out social networking sites. One person complains about something being unfair, or being taken advantage of and all the other victims come to their aid with RTs and Shares on FB.

    It only encourages more people to want to be victims.

    If you want to help someone, empower them. Either ignore this stuff or tell someone to step up to the plate and take ownership of everything that happens in their life.

    Thanks for sharing!

    RB

    1. I think you're right on the money here Ryan. I can't believe how many people moan and groan on Facebook for example, only to have people responding with "omg, what's up?" and other attempts to help.
      The person posting, of course, is simply craving attention. Tomorrow there's ANOTHER crises that needs to be resolved, and on and on it goes.
      Victims seem to be masters of attracting attention to their plight; attention they desperately want and thrive on.

  10. I think another reason people stay in victimhood is that is comfortable becuase it is a known cycle. Like staying in an abusive relationship for example. Although the end of the cycle results in the abuse itself, you then know there is an apology, a brief "honeymoon period" etc etc. The cycle is known and as said earlier in these comments, not having to step out into the Uknown territory has it's comfort. It's scary to step outside your comfort zone, or to step beyond what you've been told to believe about your self all your life even if it never really sat true within your inner self. There is no reward/payoff until you DO step beyond. The other belief as you said, Randy, is a lie.

  11. I have never been a victim, but I can share with you what it's like not to be one.

    It's total independence instead of dependence on anyone.
    It's having pride for personal achievements instead of envy of others success.
    It's ability to walk away from negativity, even from people you love.
    It's ability to ignore negative thoughts and shun them away as fast as they come.
    It's having a purpose by constantly setting small goals. And the goals are not for the sake of making more money, but for disciplining self to do as many things as possible.
    It's trying to be better and more knowledgeable.
    It's dealing with problems head-on, by finding solutions, instead of hoping for something or someone to solve them.
    It's NOT doing anything that would make you feel guilty later.
    It's never regretting because you know that everything was done the best way possible and with a lot of effort.
    It's NOT compromising your values for the sake of being liked or being popular.
    It's liking yourself so much, that you are never lonely. Your own company with self is filled with learning and finding answers to unsolved questions, which is a wonderful journey of discovery.
    It's NOT about being selfless, falsely thinking that giving up personal happiness is a moral thing to do. Or thinking that sacrificing personal wants for someone else's benefit, will all of a sudden make you seem as a noble person. Entertaining and acting on such thoughts will in fact, make you miserable. It's about giving and helping for purely selfish reasons - it makes you genuinely happy.
    It's the refusal to befriend laziness, depression, desire to want something that was NOT earned by self, jealousy, helplessness, doubt, indecisiveness, and irrational thought process.
    It's loving and taking care of yourself by constantly challenging self to be the best you can be. Riaching for the stars and never giving up.
    It's love of life with all of its ups and downs.
    It's growing a beautiful garden filled with colorful flowers and butterflies, which bring peace and happiness to you, as well as beautiful site to others.

  12. It's really easy to fall into.

    I know I have, incredibly easy when the "well-meaning" people enforce it, and are victims themselves.

    I think there are a lot of victims. People want to blame the wealthy, and successful.

    There are some who do become wealthy and successful by chance, but there are others who do something so awesome that people can't ignore it.

    Granted, there are some evil people who love to exploit the law, and use their money and power to their advantage.

    There are plenty of poor and middle class people who abuse themselves and the people they love out out of the same fear that leads to bank collapses and lack of progress.

    Creative people are told we can't succeed because there is too much competition, the industry is dying, normal people work in cubicles or a good union job until they're old, etc.

    However, now the magical Leave it Beaver days are over. People need to do something awesome.

    Doing something risky, be it starting a new business or being an artist isn't something the average population understands. I know my family never really has.

    Life is too short to hate every minute, holding out for the big payoff at the end, be it retirement or Heaven.

    The most important thing is to find a way to provide some sort of value, and pursue those crazy dreams.

    Thoughts on this would be appreciated.

    P.S.

    It's easy to fall into it as you climb out. Any advice on how to keep going?

  13. This is what I've noticed in clients/friends/research/myself

    You get to avoid taking responsibility

    You get to excuse your lack of effort, failure, and zero achievement - thus keeping yourself safe from judgement. I.e. If I truly was working hard I'd be fine, but because of THEM/IT (whatever) I can't/don't/won't

    BE safe

    Stay significant in a cycle of drama

    Be reactive - feels alive, intense, connected

    Distract from the deliberate creation of dreams

    Make others feel bad about what they've done - it's their fault, so they repent, grovel etc

    Get to avoid taking risks

    Stay in past cycles rather than learn a new skill - for instance with parents who have challenging kids, rather than learn to parent they stay in old ways and blame the kid or their parents rather than spend the time learning. They relive the beliefs about themselves - staying right about their worst, rather than growing into their best

    Get to look like the shero or hero who's doing so well in such hard circumstances

  14. the kep point here? this notion that providing love to someone who feels like a victim is hardly love. it is actually a disservice.

    i never understood that until recently in my life. and i've learned that tough love is better for a person's soul than fake love...

  15. I agree Randy, attention is a big payoff for victims. And a payoff just as big - BLAME.

    When you are a victim, you have the ultimate excuse for staying stuck. Victims are not accountable for their results, circumstances, conditions, or environment. Exterior events / people are always at cause. It's the ultimate excuse.

    Do they whine and commiserate about this? Of course. Does this get them attention? Certainly. But what it really gives them, is a reason to stay exactly where they are - inside the boundaries of their comfort zone.

    Victims don't have to stretch like victors do. Victims don't have to perservere. They don't have to think big thoughts. They don't have to expand, they don't have to live up to their commitments, and face their biggest fears. And they certainly don't have to stand in front of the mirror and say "I, and I alone am responsible for this."

    Cuz that would shatter the illusion.

    No, victims get the comfort of believing that, unlike the rest of us, life has dealt them a crappy hand of limited resources.

    Strangely, knowing that you will never have to own up, rise up, get up, or buck up is the most comforting feeling. Pass the cheese puffs.

    Sigh.

  16. I work hard, yet I’m broke.

    I try to eat right, yet I’m overweight and sick. They just don’t make healthy food.

    I have bad relationships one after another. Why are the (men/women) the same that I meet?

    The world is falling apart. All the news programs say so.

    I can’t get ahead. I can barely keep up. The system is rigged against people like me.

    Who am I?

    I’m a victim.

    I live in the town of Victim Hood at 123 Dead-End Lane.

    But that’s OK, It’s comfortable here and people tell me I’m a good person.

    They listen to my problems and say life will get better.

    I just smile, but know that it won’t.

    OR

    Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
    ~Abraham Lincoln

    You choose!

    -djm

  17. I think it is hard to change patterns and behaviors one has grown accustom to. There is comfort in what we know. That is at least part of it.

    When one has grown up with the dysfunctional cycle of victim, rescuer, persecutor roles, as I did, it is difficult sometimes to see there may be a better way of relating to others. So, in some cases it may actually be naivite or ingnorance to a different more efficient method of getting one's needs met.

    It is also a great way to make excuses for yourself in every aspect of your life career/relationsips/family. And it is how some people view love; that's real to them. It was for me. What people believe is real is difficult to change. Changing the behavior can be an even bigger challenge. If it was easy to change we wouldn't be having this discussion.

    Being hard on yourself about being a victim, can make you victim of sorts as well. When you are a little child and you have to see family violence or deal with emotional or physical abuse, you truly are a victim. I think that is what most of us hold onto. So, I have the adult part of myself hug the little child victim and ask it what it needs to feel safe.

    I felt victimized on this blog, because I didn't feel heard. And, maybe I wasn't heard but I didn't have to feel victimized by it. The payoff was that I could behave like a child and not take responsibility for my own opinions. As a victim we fear our own power. It is difficult for me to own my own power and say to myself that it is okay to have differences with someone else and not back down. Also, if I own my own power it doesn't really matter if the other changes or listens or whatever.

    The irony is the payoff is a lie. You are right about that, my childishness didn't make you hear me any better. In fact, it just made my own voice less powerful. Never Again my friend.

    Another interesting point about the payoff being a lie, is that feeling comfortable with old patterns of behavior is in itself a lie. There is nothing really comfortable about being a victim, ever. It is just that the unknown is seems so scary. But, it is so much better, and in the end so much more comfortable, to own one's power, than being a victim and letting others have power over us they should not have. Even though owning our power means more responsibility, more work, it also means more love and more happiness.

    1. Annie and others,

      I understand how you feel. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional household, and missed out on a lot because of it.

      My greatest fear is that it is too late for me to be successful with my interest in music. I've never given up on it completely, but as I read about all the people I admire who have succeeded at something creative, and most of them do it young.

      Most people succeed in their teens or their early to mid 20s. I'm 29 now. I do look young for my age though as I have been told.

      I know that there have been people who have found success after 30, and heck, there are some amazing people still touring in their 50s.

      The world says one thing: "You're too damn old"

      The heart says another: "Go for it you crazy bastard."

      Wondering if my parents were right all along.

      1. Age is a bunch of monkey business...even in a business that can be superficial, fickle, and highly youth oriented. There's plenty of examples of people breaking the age barrier...in lots of fields...its much more of a mind construct than a reality connstruct. Create what you want,rather than focusing on perceived limitations...they're just that. I didn't land my first int'l tour until 35, and I didn't play on a hit record until 38. I too was freaking out when I was 29...due to all of my mental associations with age/success...a bunch of hooey. The universe cares a lot more about what you think you can do than what any industry standard does.

        Good luck!

        -Sean

        1. Sean, if possible I'd love to contact you. It'd be nice to talk to someone who's had a similar experience.

          I promised a couple of Randy's blog posts I'd have "The Road to Prosperity". (A sort of theme) Need to get to it.

          1. Oh yes and in terms of being a musician?

            Once he came to visit me in South Africa- and I set up this workshop in a music school. The director of the school put him through the drills - setting harder and harder things for him to play - and he did ALL of them with such class and style.

            I was truly proud! He's a gifted man... Tho with all gifted men it came with HARD work. I know few people who worked on his craft as much and for as long as him - amazing discipline to get to the top!!!

          2. It is as much about performance and production as it is about composition. People who succeed are able to do a combination. People who are only artists, only composers, and only producers are becoming rarer and rarer.

            I can shape my own sounds from scratch now with either creative sampling or creating sounds in a synthesizer, and see the virtual studio environment in my computer (along with the hardware synthesizer, audio interface, and monitors) as one instrument.

            It's important to always keep learning and practicing, regardless of what it is.

            A work has to move people, regardless.

            There are cars which move people, and aren't just transport.

            Yes, some people buy an expensive car to show off, but I drove a friend's BMW once, and I have a wealthy relative who owns a couple Porsches.

            There is no comparison for that experience. These aren't just a brand or just objects. It's something which transcends the physical world. This is coming from someone who is not a car person.

            Randy has similar experiences with Vipers.

            But, the world thinks that Randy should drive a used Chevy instead and give all of his money to charity. With Randy being wealthy, he can do a lot more than someone scraping by. Like saving the rainforest by doing something about it instead of protesting.

            One of the wealthiest people ever, Andrew Carnegie funded many of the libraries people continue to enjoy. It wasn't government funding which built these libraries, many of which still stand, but philanthropy.

            George Westinghouse is another person accused of being a robber baron. Westinghouse was the son of the owner of a small machine shop, and invented braking technology, and was instrumental in the construction of power systems. Of course, since he became quite wealthy because of it, he probably stole everything, right?

            Or the computer you are using right now. Perhaps Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak should have just stayed at Atari and HP respectively and drawn a pension instead of making many of the advances we take for granted with our PCs more accessible.

            None of this would be possible in a Socialist society, which is what the vast majority wants. Conversely, the way people use the Government to reduce competition or get handouts to stay in business when the market would otherwise destroy the enterprise, certainly is not Capitalism.

      2. Yeah, I agree with Sean completely! Tom don't let the world miss out on your music! If you have been blessed with such a gift please use it. I support you with all my heart.

        Annie

        1. PS Remember also, that success comes in many different shapes and forms, particularly for artists, I think. So, be open to all avenues of spreading your gift. I am a muscician also. 🙂

          1. Well, with electronic music often the producer/composer/dj gets as much respect and renown as the singer/performer. It's even starting to spill over into the mainstream musical culture. i.e. Timbaland is well-known, and even has a PSP/iOS video game and has released a couple of his own albums.

            For someone closer to home in terms of the house/trance/whatever style I gravitate towards, there's David Guetta, a producer and DJ from France,who has become very well known. You know something is mainstream when you can buy it at Walmart.

            He crosses that boundary, as do others.

            In fact, there is overlap between the two. Some artists create tracks for other artists, or do film, tv, and game music while pursuing their own careers. It's common actually.

            Danny Elfman was in Oingo Boingo, and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails recently scored "The Social Network", but in the past provided the soundtrack for one of the Quake games. He's also fond of using technology in unique ways. A few years ago, he made the parts of a couple NIN songs available for people to use in Garageband so they could do their own remixes.

            There's also the game industry, which not only has an appetite for sound, but like so many industries, needs innovation. Music and rhythm games continue to be popular, and then there are apps both for play and creation.

            Jordan Rudess, the keyboard player from Dream Theater has created apps along with a software company, as has BT, a trance artist.

            There's also a whole world which is
            relatively unexplored about how to use music differently or find ways to accompany it with technology.

            I feel it would be important to be diverse in the way which I just mentioned. They're all connected to a common thread- creativity.

          2. Would like to communicate with you as well Annie.

            I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about the similarities between pop and game music, and how simplicity is important, even if the music itself is quite lush.

            It's one of the reasons John Williams'Star Wars music is as memorable as Hey Jude.

            Fours composers/performers/producers whom I admire are Motoi Sakuraba, a progressive rock musician turned game composer. A lot of his music definitely has that energy, which is refreshing when so much music is generic in games. His style blends progressive rock, orchestral, and a dash of synthesis.

            The company he frequently collaborates with, Tri-Ace is innovative as well, creating the Star Ocean series which is a love letter to science fiction in game form, and Valkyrie Profile, a short series based heavily on Norse mythology.

            He still gives live concerts. A great keyboard player. He appears to be self-taught.

            Another is Yoko Kanno, who started out composing music in the 8 bit days. Now, she does music for various projects in Japanese TV and cinema. She has a diverse range. Everything from opera to techno inspired beats to jazz. Even if you don't like Japanese animation, the music is amazing. She even gathers together with other artists to create albums. Yoko has formal musical education.

            Then there's Martin O'Donnell. Even if you've never played video games, chances are you have heard the Mister Clean or Flintstone Vitamins commercials. Originally, Martin was going to teach music after receiving his Masters, but friends convinced him otherwise.

            But, that is not what is most known for. He most known for his frequent collaborations with Bungie, now world famous for Halo. I don't like the game, but the score is epic, as well as the story, and would not be out of place in a blockbuster movie.

            Another who is a bit more eccentric, but still had success is Jon Biron.

            He's scored several films, mostly those of Paul Thomas Anderson and is a producer, composer, and still performs in LA, and tours
            on occassion. He appears to be self-taught.

      3. PS Tom - Randy was still a victim until 33. It's only then that he turned his life around!!! Imagine if he'd given up at 29 - we'd never have him gracing our lives with gifts and lacing our lives with love...

        Paulo Coelho - author of the Alchemist that has sold over 100 million copies - only STARTED writing books at 38. His first book came out at 39/40.

        He NEVER gave up on his vision... EVER - he wanted to be one of the authors of the centuary. He held that firm!!!

        What's your vision?

          1. Hey Tom, Move the world with sound! That is great! I will tell you the one word instruction that a friend of mine, who happened to be in his eighties at the time told me: PURSUIT. No dream happens without it. And he was a testament to that and he taught his grandchildren this, and they are all very successful.

            Your music sounds interesting. I just started writing music and playing the guitar about four years ago. I write country, and blues music. Love it. I play sometimes with a group in my city called songwriters circle and my husband does too! We have lots of fun and the muscicians in the group are very helpful and supportive to someone like me, just starting out. The others teach me and mentor me and my husband who has been playing a lot longer than me, teaches me as well. The one thing I have learned about playing an instrument is practice, practice, and more practice. I have very sore fingers!

            I do theatre as well, and I like to write children's plays. I also work with a children's theatre on a volunteer basis. So, yeah just get out there and meet communities of people doing the same thing you want to do, and Good Luck!

            Annie

      4. Tom, when you are 40, you'll hear about a person who succeeded in your field at 30...and when you are 60, you'll hear about a person who did it at 50... Someone is doing it right now, you know. Just go for it, what do you have to loose?

        1. I'm going to die anyway, and you never know what could happen.

          This is especially important in a world where being generic no longer works. You could depend on that good job until you were 70.

          You could depend on your education to carry you, and your resume. Sure, for certain fields like medicine and law as long as you don't screw up too badly, you can succeed, but in today's culture all it takes is one victim to destroy the career of a doctor or a lawyer.

          I am educated, but unEducated. I am a relentless autodidact, self-taught. Not entirely though, other people have shaped it online and in the world, but I learn much faster at my own pace, and by experimenting like a mad scientist.

  18. I think victim-hood is also taught by families, organized religion and communities because it gives them control over you as a resource in their lives.

    If you're broke, you're not going anywhere which means you are perceived as easy access to your family, church and community as free labor.

    I didn't notice this because before my $100K software job to outsourcing, I didn't hear anything from my family. Now that I'm juggling 3 different little jobs while I'm building my NM business, all I hear is talk about "how easy it is for Cynthia to drive over and do XYZ for mom and dad because they didn't plan for retirement but that's ok, she can pick up the slack."

    Here are the 2 lessons I've learned from victim-hood:

    1) Be prosperous - it gives you a way to finance an escape plan from dysfunctional family dynamics.

    2) When you're broke, it's even easier for other people to make their lack of planning your emergency - because they perceive you as having so much free time and flexibility on your hands - after all, it's not like your doing anything with your time right?

  19. You know, I would totally buy into what everyone is saying here if
    1. Every time I take three steps forward, I didn't end up getting thrown back 10.

    2. My positive attitude didn't amount to lots of negative energy being drawn to me.

    and lastly, the fact that I see everyone else moving forward with life, and I am stuck spinning my wheels despite my best efforts.

    So how is it I continue to be a victim? Please, shed some light here because I would LOVE to be able to share your sentiments.

    1. Hi Kim!
      Do not give up on trying, I also have my setbacks. Watch Randys Prosperity TV Channel daily (that helped me a lot). And you must do Randys Conquering Lack and Living Rich! Virtual Seminar Series on Prosperity
      https://www.randygage.com. Hope you can use this advice. And try to apply the things Randy suggests on a daily basis.
      Lene

    2. Hi Kim, you've asked the Q "How do I continue to be a victim?" The answer - by thinking thoughts that blame external events and/or people for your results. Like those events that set you back 10 steps. And the negative people in your life. The fact that you view these events as victimizing you is what's keeping you in victimhood.

      I don't mean to be harsh. Sometimes the truth can be sobering. I know, I've been there. We all have.

      Victimhood is perpetuated by thoughts which blame our circumstances and our results on external events / other people. But the harsh reality is: we are completely responsible for everything we think, everything we feel, everything we say, everything we do, and every result that shows up for us. Everything.

      By "responsible", I don't mean blame. I mean, cause. Everything that you experience in your life is an effect. And YOU are the cause. Of all of it. Yes, all of it.

      Gulp.

      It's a tough pill to swallow sometimes. And... it will also set you free.

      The moment you realize that you are the cause - the creator- you begin to understand that you have all of the power. Think about that for a minute. It's awe inspiring! That means you can just as easily create good results as bad ones.

      Now, does this mean a non-victim doesn't have setbacks or spin our wheels? Of course we do...daily! The difference is how we interpret those events. And how we respond to them.

      As far as the negative people in your life - the moment you drop your own negativity you begin to notice the negativity of others around you. Negative people are...sadly... everywhere.

      It is vitally important that you drastically limit or eliminate those types of thinkers from your life. We call them "dream stealers" for a reason. Safeguard yourself from anyone and anything that is not going to suppport the direction you are going. Remember, you're at the helm. This is your life, your dream. And you get to decide who gets to share in it with you... and who doesn't.

      Lastly Kim, I would echo Lene's advice to you get your hands on as many resources as you can to help you build your awareness and understanding about this topic. It will be THE best investment you could make in yourself.

      Wishing you all the best : )

  20. I was watching the Charlie Sheen interview on Piers Morgan's show last night and he came out with something very interesting. If some one is glued to their past and displaying "victimhood", he asks them to go back and bring him a souvenier from the place that the past event occured. Pretty clever I thought ... the point being, get it the "now" and move forward.

  21. Randy, I think this blog post is up there in the top 3! You should be awfully proud of the community you've attracted here...amazing people and amazing information being shared. So blown away by all the ex-victims kicking so much behind! Congrats to all who have moved past victimhood and are sharing the hard won wisdom with others. This blog and community does indeed rock!

    -Sean

  22. Randy:

    In the first place,People are not aware that they are victims. Once they know they are victims,It is hard to change because those patterns have been created when we were children.
    They are deep levels of guilt and shame associatted with money for me. Guilt and shame is there so we don't have to feel the pain that we felt in childhood.
    Working through breaking these limiting beliefs.

  23. This is such an enormous obstacle. I wish I knew the quick fix for it. I think a lot of it stems from comfort zones. The mass majority, especially in todays climate, PLAY the victim. I think it is a game in some respects. A game with ourselves. We always win, so we think, when we are a victim, because there is no way to lose. Maybe that's why it's held on to so tightly. I think it also plays into our need for acceptance. All behavior, if broken down, boils down to love. It's so sad that so many people are wired to feel love as pain and pain for so many is a comfortable place to be. It's familiar and distorted, never letting them down. I think the only way to fight this battle is on our knees, surrendering to God, asking for him to change our hearts, since I think that's where victimhood resides.

  24. If you have ever been in a difficult living situation you would understand victim-hood.

    It is a process that is started as a child and it is not easily won over. You can not just change overnight and not only that, but you don't just wake up one morning and say "I think I will live the life of a victim".

    It is a re-learning process that can take years to undo. It is not a pitty party as much would like to think.
    I think the label Victim is a very bad innuendo. It is like calling a person a scum bag.

    So Stop it!

    When a child is beaten to oblivion, abandoned, molested, treated like dirt, has blood running down their face, gets their hair pulled out in handfuls,gets their head bashed into the floor daily, it lasts their whole life. You just don't not move on from that kind of trauma. It is not something you just get over.!!! Do you people really think that?

    The child does not get the chance to choice who them are to become. They are told who they already are from being a toddler to becoming an adult.

    No it is not a place anyone wants to stay, we all want better for ourselves, but we each have to find our own way.
    And it is not until we have gained the courage or see that we are actually worthy of living a better life, that you are able to make a change.

    I personally wanted the change so bad that I almost wound up living on the street.
    You can only take so much being told you are useless, wrong-headed, not worthy and all the decisions you make are wrong. How can this be?

    Instead of victimizing the "victim", why don't you put your energy into the abuser.
    Why do humans need to treat other humans like a piece of crap?
    Animals do not treat each other that way!

    I have been separated and now divorced for a little over a year and I still am struggling, I am doing self-development, reading books, websites, as much as I can absorb, but it still takes time.

    You have to dig up all the old deep down dirt, stuff you don't even recognize, bring it to the surface and deal with it. It is hard, it hurts and it takes time.

    But it is better to learn a new way, then to sit in the muck of the old~~

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  • 63 comments on “The Payoff for Victim-hood”

    1. You were the first person that I ever heard talk about this. At the time, I was broke, struggling, living on less than $1k per month. I scraped some money together and got the "Prosperity" audio set from you (cassettes. back then!) and was shocked to hear that I might be doing all this to myself.

      I still haven't identified exactly what my pay-off was. I think it probably had something to do with the "Hero's Struggle"; the idea that success is supposed to be triumphant; that it's supposed to involve lots of struggling so that the success is sweeter and more dramatic.

      Of course, I found it much sweeter when I could just skip all the drama and nonsense and just achieve what I wanted! 🙂

      But it's still fascinating to me how it all works: that human beings really do subconsciously set up challenges to overcome for a "payoff".

      Thanks for the reminder!

    2. To be honest I have been because I did not really see this trap. In Denmark most of the population have grown up with The law of Jante, wich in short is about not to think you are worth anything, and if you by accident think so, then you will get corrected to find your place, down to earth, and do as all the others do, and that is deeply planted. You will get put down. I have my whole life tried to figure out how to get out of that, but not until the last 10 years began to realize that I bought that myself, and that no one than myself is responsible to change that. And about time. Now I can do something about it. Thank's for your great help 🙂
      Lene

      1. Lene I want to thank you for this post. I have talked to so many friends from Scandinavia and have unknowingly run head long into this thought process. It made me frustrated and sad that the beautiful friends would be so determined to not appreciate their own worth. My whole understanding has changed now!

        Tiffany

        1. Hi Tiffany.
          Yes that is a tough one. I all the time run into this, when I present network marketing to prospects. They get scared and do not believe that it's possible, it's not allowed to be that successful. I'm glad this gave you a better understanding. Nice to connect with you 🙂
          Lene

          1. Lene:

            Having grown up in a real poor,corrupted,and deep inequality country,I have always admired Scandinavians for their treatment of their people economical and socially.
            I guess with that comes a lot of conformity too.
            I don't think I would trade been born in Denmark with Nicaragua.

    3. Randy Gage,
      You are awesome my friend. you are a true inspiration. I was also a victim for many years. Until I took a stand and said no more. Thanks to people like yourself we are encouraged to rise above our current situation and lot in life and transform our lives in a positive way. The first step begins within. Thank you for all you do good sir!!! Have a great day!
      Paul

    4. I have so many examples of this in my own life and in the lives of so many people I have worked with over the years.

      Unfortunately, remaining the victim seems to be the easy path for most because they are fearful of venturing into uncharted territory, and as you have mentioned here, there is a payoff.

      The key here is to replace the payoff for being a victim with a payoff for being a victor! It is not an easy trade-off and there is no instruction manual. It all begins with one simple decision.......

    5. When I was a bit less enlightened, and fully entrenched in the victimhood, I thought that the "payoff" was that I would fit in with the other victims. As I repeat my daily prosperity affirmations I continue to step further away from the place I was. I now stand out versus blend in. I now try to set the example. The payoff of abandoning the victimhood is truly freedom.

      1. I enjoyed reading your post.
        I too had a similar "payoff" of fitting in with victims and being comfortable with "small success." After assimilating Randy's principles, I find it is so much more fun, creative, and energizing fitting in with winners!

    6. Many of us are taught we are entitled to things and we do not have to earn them. That it's "their fault" and not "my fault" that things happened. Personal responsibility is not needed because the system will watch over us.

      The question is what happens when the system breaks down from overload? These folks don't know how to manage for themselves and just get angry at the world.

      1. Entitlement is across all of our society unfortunately.

        Most of us are not taught to take personal responsibility. Unfortunately, it benefits the victims and people who gain from it. It creates a cycle which starts with two or more people and unfortunately can rot a society.

        The system IS breaking down from overload. Why do you think people, businesses, and the government are in such large amounts of debt?

        Why do you think so many people are miserable and unhealthy?

        It isn't because there isn't enough.

    7. It's amazing how we unknowingly screw ourselves over to get secondary gain. It seems simple (not necessarily easy) to identify the secondary gain and then design strategies to get it directly while moving ourselves rapidly toward our highest goals and greatest contribution to the planet. I know this is part of what you teach, Randy, and I love how you teach it.

    8. I guess the illusion is that, if you don't identify with others suffering, any good ideas you have will be overlooked.

    9. Hi Randy,

      Getting attention is a biggie.

      We like attention, and being a victim brings other victims to your aid quicker than anything else. Check out social networking sites. One person complains about something being unfair, or being taken advantage of and all the other victims come to their aid with RTs and Shares on FB.

      It only encourages more people to want to be victims.

      If you want to help someone, empower them. Either ignore this stuff or tell someone to step up to the plate and take ownership of everything that happens in their life.

      Thanks for sharing!

      RB

      1. I think you're right on the money here Ryan. I can't believe how many people moan and groan on Facebook for example, only to have people responding with "omg, what's up?" and other attempts to help.
        The person posting, of course, is simply craving attention. Tomorrow there's ANOTHER crises that needs to be resolved, and on and on it goes.
        Victims seem to be masters of attracting attention to their plight; attention they desperately want and thrive on.

    10. I think another reason people stay in victimhood is that is comfortable becuase it is a known cycle. Like staying in an abusive relationship for example. Although the end of the cycle results in the abuse itself, you then know there is an apology, a brief "honeymoon period" etc etc. The cycle is known and as said earlier in these comments, not having to step out into the Uknown territory has it's comfort. It's scary to step outside your comfort zone, or to step beyond what you've been told to believe about your self all your life even if it never really sat true within your inner self. There is no reward/payoff until you DO step beyond. The other belief as you said, Randy, is a lie.

    11. I have never been a victim, but I can share with you what it's like not to be one.

      It's total independence instead of dependence on anyone.
      It's having pride for personal achievements instead of envy of others success.
      It's ability to walk away from negativity, even from people you love.
      It's ability to ignore negative thoughts and shun them away as fast as they come.
      It's having a purpose by constantly setting small goals. And the goals are not for the sake of making more money, but for disciplining self to do as many things as possible.
      It's trying to be better and more knowledgeable.
      It's dealing with problems head-on, by finding solutions, instead of hoping for something or someone to solve them.
      It's NOT doing anything that would make you feel guilty later.
      It's never regretting because you know that everything was done the best way possible and with a lot of effort.
      It's NOT compromising your values for the sake of being liked or being popular.
      It's liking yourself so much, that you are never lonely. Your own company with self is filled with learning and finding answers to unsolved questions, which is a wonderful journey of discovery.
      It's NOT about being selfless, falsely thinking that giving up personal happiness is a moral thing to do. Or thinking that sacrificing personal wants for someone else's benefit, will all of a sudden make you seem as a noble person. Entertaining and acting on such thoughts will in fact, make you miserable. It's about giving and helping for purely selfish reasons - it makes you genuinely happy.
      It's the refusal to befriend laziness, depression, desire to want something that was NOT earned by self, jealousy, helplessness, doubt, indecisiveness, and irrational thought process.
      It's loving and taking care of yourself by constantly challenging self to be the best you can be. Riaching for the stars and never giving up.
      It's love of life with all of its ups and downs.
      It's growing a beautiful garden filled with colorful flowers and butterflies, which bring peace and happiness to you, as well as beautiful site to others.

    12. It's really easy to fall into.

      I know I have, incredibly easy when the "well-meaning" people enforce it, and are victims themselves.

      I think there are a lot of victims. People want to blame the wealthy, and successful.

      There are some who do become wealthy and successful by chance, but there are others who do something so awesome that people can't ignore it.

      Granted, there are some evil people who love to exploit the law, and use their money and power to their advantage.

      There are plenty of poor and middle class people who abuse themselves and the people they love out out of the same fear that leads to bank collapses and lack of progress.

      Creative people are told we can't succeed because there is too much competition, the industry is dying, normal people work in cubicles or a good union job until they're old, etc.

      However, now the magical Leave it Beaver days are over. People need to do something awesome.

      Doing something risky, be it starting a new business or being an artist isn't something the average population understands. I know my family never really has.

      Life is too short to hate every minute, holding out for the big payoff at the end, be it retirement or Heaven.

      The most important thing is to find a way to provide some sort of value, and pursue those crazy dreams.

      Thoughts on this would be appreciated.

      P.S.

      It's easy to fall into it as you climb out. Any advice on how to keep going?

    13. This is what I've noticed in clients/friends/research/myself

      You get to avoid taking responsibility

      You get to excuse your lack of effort, failure, and zero achievement - thus keeping yourself safe from judgement. I.e. If I truly was working hard I'd be fine, but because of THEM/IT (whatever) I can't/don't/won't

      BE safe

      Stay significant in a cycle of drama

      Be reactive - feels alive, intense, connected

      Distract from the deliberate creation of dreams

      Make others feel bad about what they've done - it's their fault, so they repent, grovel etc

      Get to avoid taking risks

      Stay in past cycles rather than learn a new skill - for instance with parents who have challenging kids, rather than learn to parent they stay in old ways and blame the kid or their parents rather than spend the time learning. They relive the beliefs about themselves - staying right about their worst, rather than growing into their best

      Get to look like the shero or hero who's doing so well in such hard circumstances

    14. the kep point here? this notion that providing love to someone who feels like a victim is hardly love. it is actually a disservice.

      i never understood that until recently in my life. and i've learned that tough love is better for a person's soul than fake love...

    15. I agree Randy, attention is a big payoff for victims. And a payoff just as big - BLAME.

      When you are a victim, you have the ultimate excuse for staying stuck. Victims are not accountable for their results, circumstances, conditions, or environment. Exterior events / people are always at cause. It's the ultimate excuse.

      Do they whine and commiserate about this? Of course. Does this get them attention? Certainly. But what it really gives them, is a reason to stay exactly where they are - inside the boundaries of their comfort zone.

      Victims don't have to stretch like victors do. Victims don't have to perservere. They don't have to think big thoughts. They don't have to expand, they don't have to live up to their commitments, and face their biggest fears. And they certainly don't have to stand in front of the mirror and say "I, and I alone am responsible for this."

      Cuz that would shatter the illusion.

      No, victims get the comfort of believing that, unlike the rest of us, life has dealt them a crappy hand of limited resources.

      Strangely, knowing that you will never have to own up, rise up, get up, or buck up is the most comforting feeling. Pass the cheese puffs.

      Sigh.

    16. I work hard, yet I’m broke.

      I try to eat right, yet I’m overweight and sick. They just don’t make healthy food.

      I have bad relationships one after another. Why are the (men/women) the same that I meet?

      The world is falling apart. All the news programs say so.

      I can’t get ahead. I can barely keep up. The system is rigged against people like me.

      Who am I?

      I’m a victim.

      I live in the town of Victim Hood at 123 Dead-End Lane.

      But that’s OK, It’s comfortable here and people tell me I’m a good person.

      They listen to my problems and say life will get better.

      I just smile, but know that it won’t.

      OR

      Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
      ~Abraham Lincoln

      You choose!

      -djm

    17. I think it is hard to change patterns and behaviors one has grown accustom to. There is comfort in what we know. That is at least part of it.

      When one has grown up with the dysfunctional cycle of victim, rescuer, persecutor roles, as I did, it is difficult sometimes to see there may be a better way of relating to others. So, in some cases it may actually be naivite or ingnorance to a different more efficient method of getting one's needs met.

      It is also a great way to make excuses for yourself in every aspect of your life career/relationsips/family. And it is how some people view love; that's real to them. It was for me. What people believe is real is difficult to change. Changing the behavior can be an even bigger challenge. If it was easy to change we wouldn't be having this discussion.

      Being hard on yourself about being a victim, can make you victim of sorts as well. When you are a little child and you have to see family violence or deal with emotional or physical abuse, you truly are a victim. I think that is what most of us hold onto. So, I have the adult part of myself hug the little child victim and ask it what it needs to feel safe.

      I felt victimized on this blog, because I didn't feel heard. And, maybe I wasn't heard but I didn't have to feel victimized by it. The payoff was that I could behave like a child and not take responsibility for my own opinions. As a victim we fear our own power. It is difficult for me to own my own power and say to myself that it is okay to have differences with someone else and not back down. Also, if I own my own power it doesn't really matter if the other changes or listens or whatever.

      The irony is the payoff is a lie. You are right about that, my childishness didn't make you hear me any better. In fact, it just made my own voice less powerful. Never Again my friend.

      Another interesting point about the payoff being a lie, is that feeling comfortable with old patterns of behavior is in itself a lie. There is nothing really comfortable about being a victim, ever. It is just that the unknown is seems so scary. But, it is so much better, and in the end so much more comfortable, to own one's power, than being a victim and letting others have power over us they should not have. Even though owning our power means more responsibility, more work, it also means more love and more happiness.

      1. Annie and others,

        I understand how you feel. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional household, and missed out on a lot because of it.

        My greatest fear is that it is too late for me to be successful with my interest in music. I've never given up on it completely, but as I read about all the people I admire who have succeeded at something creative, and most of them do it young.

        Most people succeed in their teens or their early to mid 20s. I'm 29 now. I do look young for my age though as I have been told.

        I know that there have been people who have found success after 30, and heck, there are some amazing people still touring in their 50s.

        The world says one thing: "You're too damn old"

        The heart says another: "Go for it you crazy bastard."

        Wondering if my parents were right all along.

        1. Age is a bunch of monkey business...even in a business that can be superficial, fickle, and highly youth oriented. There's plenty of examples of people breaking the age barrier...in lots of fields...its much more of a mind construct than a reality connstruct. Create what you want,rather than focusing on perceived limitations...they're just that. I didn't land my first int'l tour until 35, and I didn't play on a hit record until 38. I too was freaking out when I was 29...due to all of my mental associations with age/success...a bunch of hooey. The universe cares a lot more about what you think you can do than what any industry standard does.

          Good luck!

          -Sean

          1. Sean, if possible I'd love to contact you. It'd be nice to talk to someone who's had a similar experience.

            I promised a couple of Randy's blog posts I'd have "The Road to Prosperity". (A sort of theme) Need to get to it.

            1. Oh yes and in terms of being a musician?

              Once he came to visit me in South Africa- and I set up this workshop in a music school. The director of the school put him through the drills - setting harder and harder things for him to play - and he did ALL of them with such class and style.

              I was truly proud! He's a gifted man... Tho with all gifted men it came with HARD work. I know few people who worked on his craft as much and for as long as him - amazing discipline to get to the top!!!

            2. It is as much about performance and production as it is about composition. People who succeed are able to do a combination. People who are only artists, only composers, and only producers are becoming rarer and rarer.

              I can shape my own sounds from scratch now with either creative sampling or creating sounds in a synthesizer, and see the virtual studio environment in my computer (along with the hardware synthesizer, audio interface, and monitors) as one instrument.

              It's important to always keep learning and practicing, regardless of what it is.

              A work has to move people, regardless.

              There are cars which move people, and aren't just transport.

              Yes, some people buy an expensive car to show off, but I drove a friend's BMW once, and I have a wealthy relative who owns a couple Porsches.

              There is no comparison for that experience. These aren't just a brand or just objects. It's something which transcends the physical world. This is coming from someone who is not a car person.

              Randy has similar experiences with Vipers.

              But, the world thinks that Randy should drive a used Chevy instead and give all of his money to charity. With Randy being wealthy, he can do a lot more than someone scraping by. Like saving the rainforest by doing something about it instead of protesting.

              One of the wealthiest people ever, Andrew Carnegie funded many of the libraries people continue to enjoy. It wasn't government funding which built these libraries, many of which still stand, but philanthropy.

              George Westinghouse is another person accused of being a robber baron. Westinghouse was the son of the owner of a small machine shop, and invented braking technology, and was instrumental in the construction of power systems. Of course, since he became quite wealthy because of it, he probably stole everything, right?

              Or the computer you are using right now. Perhaps Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak should have just stayed at Atari and HP respectively and drawn a pension instead of making many of the advances we take for granted with our PCs more accessible.

              None of this would be possible in a Socialist society, which is what the vast majority wants. Conversely, the way people use the Government to reduce competition or get handouts to stay in business when the market would otherwise destroy the enterprise, certainly is not Capitalism.

        2. Yeah, I agree with Sean completely! Tom don't let the world miss out on your music! If you have been blessed with such a gift please use it. I support you with all my heart.

          Annie

          1. PS Remember also, that success comes in many different shapes and forms, particularly for artists, I think. So, be open to all avenues of spreading your gift. I am a muscician also. 🙂

            1. Well, with electronic music often the producer/composer/dj gets as much respect and renown as the singer/performer. It's even starting to spill over into the mainstream musical culture. i.e. Timbaland is well-known, and even has a PSP/iOS video game and has released a couple of his own albums.

              For someone closer to home in terms of the house/trance/whatever style I gravitate towards, there's David Guetta, a producer and DJ from France,who has become very well known. You know something is mainstream when you can buy it at Walmart.

              He crosses that boundary, as do others.

              In fact, there is overlap between the two. Some artists create tracks for other artists, or do film, tv, and game music while pursuing their own careers. It's common actually.

              Danny Elfman was in Oingo Boingo, and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails recently scored "The Social Network", but in the past provided the soundtrack for one of the Quake games. He's also fond of using technology in unique ways. A few years ago, he made the parts of a couple NIN songs available for people to use in Garageband so they could do their own remixes.

              There's also the game industry, which not only has an appetite for sound, but like so many industries, needs innovation. Music and rhythm games continue to be popular, and then there are apps both for play and creation.

              Jordan Rudess, the keyboard player from Dream Theater has created apps along with a software company, as has BT, a trance artist.

              There's also a whole world which is
              relatively unexplored about how to use music differently or find ways to accompany it with technology.

              I feel it would be important to be diverse in the way which I just mentioned. They're all connected to a common thread- creativity.

            2. Would like to communicate with you as well Annie.

              I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about the similarities between pop and game music, and how simplicity is important, even if the music itself is quite lush.

              It's one of the reasons John Williams'Star Wars music is as memorable as Hey Jude.

              Fours composers/performers/producers whom I admire are Motoi Sakuraba, a progressive rock musician turned game composer. A lot of his music definitely has that energy, which is refreshing when so much music is generic in games. His style blends progressive rock, orchestral, and a dash of synthesis.

              The company he frequently collaborates with, Tri-Ace is innovative as well, creating the Star Ocean series which is a love letter to science fiction in game form, and Valkyrie Profile, a short series based heavily on Norse mythology.

              He still gives live concerts. A great keyboard player. He appears to be self-taught.

              Another is Yoko Kanno, who started out composing music in the 8 bit days. Now, she does music for various projects in Japanese TV and cinema. She has a diverse range. Everything from opera to techno inspired beats to jazz. Even if you don't like Japanese animation, the music is amazing. She even gathers together with other artists to create albums. Yoko has formal musical education.

              Then there's Martin O'Donnell. Even if you've never played video games, chances are you have heard the Mister Clean or Flintstone Vitamins commercials. Originally, Martin was going to teach music after receiving his Masters, but friends convinced him otherwise.

              But, that is not what is most known for. He most known for his frequent collaborations with Bungie, now world famous for Halo. I don't like the game, but the score is epic, as well as the story, and would not be out of place in a blockbuster movie.

              Another who is a bit more eccentric, but still had success is Jon Biron.

              He's scored several films, mostly those of Paul Thomas Anderson and is a producer, composer, and still performs in LA, and tours
              on occassion. He appears to be self-taught.

        3. PS Tom - Randy was still a victim until 33. It's only then that he turned his life around!!! Imagine if he'd given up at 29 - we'd never have him gracing our lives with gifts and lacing our lives with love...

          Paulo Coelho - author of the Alchemist that has sold over 100 million copies - only STARTED writing books at 38. His first book came out at 39/40.

          He NEVER gave up on his vision... EVER - he wanted to be one of the authors of the centuary. He held that firm!!!

          What's your vision?

            1. Hey Tom, Move the world with sound! That is great! I will tell you the one word instruction that a friend of mine, who happened to be in his eighties at the time told me: PURSUIT. No dream happens without it. And he was a testament to that and he taught his grandchildren this, and they are all very successful.

              Your music sounds interesting. I just started writing music and playing the guitar about four years ago. I write country, and blues music. Love it. I play sometimes with a group in my city called songwriters circle and my husband does too! We have lots of fun and the muscicians in the group are very helpful and supportive to someone like me, just starting out. The others teach me and mentor me and my husband who has been playing a lot longer than me, teaches me as well. The one thing I have learned about playing an instrument is practice, practice, and more practice. I have very sore fingers!

              I do theatre as well, and I like to write children's plays. I also work with a children's theatre on a volunteer basis. So, yeah just get out there and meet communities of people doing the same thing you want to do, and Good Luck!

              Annie

        4. Tom, when you are 40, you'll hear about a person who succeeded in your field at 30...and when you are 60, you'll hear about a person who did it at 50... Someone is doing it right now, you know. Just go for it, what do you have to loose?

          1. I'm going to die anyway, and you never know what could happen.

            This is especially important in a world where being generic no longer works. You could depend on that good job until you were 70.

            You could depend on your education to carry you, and your resume. Sure, for certain fields like medicine and law as long as you don't screw up too badly, you can succeed, but in today's culture all it takes is one victim to destroy the career of a doctor or a lawyer.

            I am educated, but unEducated. I am a relentless autodidact, self-taught. Not entirely though, other people have shaped it online and in the world, but I learn much faster at my own pace, and by experimenting like a mad scientist.

    18. I think victim-hood is also taught by families, organized religion and communities because it gives them control over you as a resource in their lives.

      If you're broke, you're not going anywhere which means you are perceived as easy access to your family, church and community as free labor.

      I didn't notice this because before my $100K software job to outsourcing, I didn't hear anything from my family. Now that I'm juggling 3 different little jobs while I'm building my NM business, all I hear is talk about "how easy it is for Cynthia to drive over and do XYZ for mom and dad because they didn't plan for retirement but that's ok, she can pick up the slack."

      Here are the 2 lessons I've learned from victim-hood:

      1) Be prosperous - it gives you a way to finance an escape plan from dysfunctional family dynamics.

      2) When you're broke, it's even easier for other people to make their lack of planning your emergency - because they perceive you as having so much free time and flexibility on your hands - after all, it's not like your doing anything with your time right?

    19. You know, I would totally buy into what everyone is saying here if
      1. Every time I take three steps forward, I didn't end up getting thrown back 10.

      2. My positive attitude didn't amount to lots of negative energy being drawn to me.

      and lastly, the fact that I see everyone else moving forward with life, and I am stuck spinning my wheels despite my best efforts.

      So how is it I continue to be a victim? Please, shed some light here because I would LOVE to be able to share your sentiments.

      1. Hi Kim!
        Do not give up on trying, I also have my setbacks. Watch Randys Prosperity TV Channel daily (that helped me a lot). And you must do Randys Conquering Lack and Living Rich! Virtual Seminar Series on Prosperity
        https://www.randygage.com. Hope you can use this advice. And try to apply the things Randy suggests on a daily basis.
        Lene

      2. Hi Kim, you've asked the Q "How do I continue to be a victim?" The answer - by thinking thoughts that blame external events and/or people for your results. Like those events that set you back 10 steps. And the negative people in your life. The fact that you view these events as victimizing you is what's keeping you in victimhood.

        I don't mean to be harsh. Sometimes the truth can be sobering. I know, I've been there. We all have.

        Victimhood is perpetuated by thoughts which blame our circumstances and our results on external events / other people. But the harsh reality is: we are completely responsible for everything we think, everything we feel, everything we say, everything we do, and every result that shows up for us. Everything.

        By "responsible", I don't mean blame. I mean, cause. Everything that you experience in your life is an effect. And YOU are the cause. Of all of it. Yes, all of it.

        Gulp.

        It's a tough pill to swallow sometimes. And... it will also set you free.

        The moment you realize that you are the cause - the creator- you begin to understand that you have all of the power. Think about that for a minute. It's awe inspiring! That means you can just as easily create good results as bad ones.

        Now, does this mean a non-victim doesn't have setbacks or spin our wheels? Of course we do...daily! The difference is how we interpret those events. And how we respond to them.

        As far as the negative people in your life - the moment you drop your own negativity you begin to notice the negativity of others around you. Negative people are...sadly... everywhere.

        It is vitally important that you drastically limit or eliminate those types of thinkers from your life. We call them "dream stealers" for a reason. Safeguard yourself from anyone and anything that is not going to suppport the direction you are going. Remember, you're at the helm. This is your life, your dream. And you get to decide who gets to share in it with you... and who doesn't.

        Lastly Kim, I would echo Lene's advice to you get your hands on as many resources as you can to help you build your awareness and understanding about this topic. It will be THE best investment you could make in yourself.

        Wishing you all the best : )

    20. I was watching the Charlie Sheen interview on Piers Morgan's show last night and he came out with something very interesting. If some one is glued to their past and displaying "victimhood", he asks them to go back and bring him a souvenier from the place that the past event occured. Pretty clever I thought ... the point being, get it the "now" and move forward.

    21. Randy, I think this blog post is up there in the top 3! You should be awfully proud of the community you've attracted here...amazing people and amazing information being shared. So blown away by all the ex-victims kicking so much behind! Congrats to all who have moved past victimhood and are sharing the hard won wisdom with others. This blog and community does indeed rock!

      -Sean

    22. Randy:

      In the first place,People are not aware that they are victims. Once they know they are victims,It is hard to change because those patterns have been created when we were children.
      They are deep levels of guilt and shame associatted with money for me. Guilt and shame is there so we don't have to feel the pain that we felt in childhood.
      Working through breaking these limiting beliefs.

    23. This is such an enormous obstacle. I wish I knew the quick fix for it. I think a lot of it stems from comfort zones. The mass majority, especially in todays climate, PLAY the victim. I think it is a game in some respects. A game with ourselves. We always win, so we think, when we are a victim, because there is no way to lose. Maybe that's why it's held on to so tightly. I think it also plays into our need for acceptance. All behavior, if broken down, boils down to love. It's so sad that so many people are wired to feel love as pain and pain for so many is a comfortable place to be. It's familiar and distorted, never letting them down. I think the only way to fight this battle is on our knees, surrendering to God, asking for him to change our hearts, since I think that's where victimhood resides.

    24. If you have ever been in a difficult living situation you would understand victim-hood.

      It is a process that is started as a child and it is not easily won over. You can not just change overnight and not only that, but you don't just wake up one morning and say "I think I will live the life of a victim".

      It is a re-learning process that can take years to undo. It is not a pitty party as much would like to think.
      I think the label Victim is a very bad innuendo. It is like calling a person a scum bag.

      So Stop it!

      When a child is beaten to oblivion, abandoned, molested, treated like dirt, has blood running down their face, gets their hair pulled out in handfuls,gets their head bashed into the floor daily, it lasts their whole life. You just don't not move on from that kind of trauma. It is not something you just get over.!!! Do you people really think that?

      The child does not get the chance to choice who them are to become. They are told who they already are from being a toddler to becoming an adult.

      No it is not a place anyone wants to stay, we all want better for ourselves, but we each have to find our own way.
      And it is not until we have gained the courage or see that we are actually worthy of living a better life, that you are able to make a change.

      I personally wanted the change so bad that I almost wound up living on the street.
      You can only take so much being told you are useless, wrong-headed, not worthy and all the decisions you make are wrong. How can this be?

      Instead of victimizing the "victim", why don't you put your energy into the abuser.
      Why do humans need to treat other humans like a piece of crap?
      Animals do not treat each other that way!

      I have been separated and now divorced for a little over a year and I still am struggling, I am doing self-development, reading books, websites, as much as I can absorb, but it still takes time.

      You have to dig up all the old deep down dirt, stuff you don't even recognize, bring it to the surface and deal with it. It is hard, it hurts and it takes time.

      But it is better to learn a new way, then to sit in the muck of the old~~

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