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The Night Before Christmas, 2008

Posted By: Randy GageDecember 24, 2008

Ok so this is year five or six in my tradition of butchering the traditional Christmas classic.  But since we now have the technology of the blog at our disposal, I have a great idea!  Since my skill set at iambic pentameter leaves much more than a little to be desired, let’s get YOU involved!  I’ll start the poem, and you guys come up with the best endings.  Whoever comes up with the best ending will win either:
A)    $100,000 cash;
B)    My Viper SRT;
C)    A night of hot steamy sex with me; or,
D)    Honorable mention in the next blog post.

The prize is determined by me, and all decisions are final.  If you’re looking for B, better send pix!

Actually I’ll probably combine the best verses you submit and create the final work of art!  (You don't have to write the whole thing.  If you just want to submit a verse or two that's fine.)  So let’s see how talented y’all are.

To give you an idea of the diabolical poetic process, and what the final outcome usually looks like, you can study last year’s version here:

Now, let’s get to it:

The Night Before Christmas, 2008
(With profound apologies to Clement Clarke Moore and his estate)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the U.S.;
The economy was tanking, and things were a mess.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;
Hoping for coal, because the fuel tanks were bare.

The big three automakers were begging for scraps;
And the airline executives were searching for gaps.
Both Democrats and Republicans together did link;
In a partnership to budget for lots more red ink.

The fundamentalists kept working to make everyone straight;
Scaring up enough money to win proposition 8.
Elsewhere the court system said, “justice we’ll heal ya;
“OJ you can kill, just don’t steal memorabilia.”

In the rest of the world, the song was the same;
With governments clamoring to play the Socialism game.
Guarantees, bailouts and the takeovers we feared;
Must have had Castro laughing in his beard.

When out on the lawn, arose such a…

And now dear reader, it’s your turn:

Happy Holidays!

-RG

49 comments on “The Night Before Christmas, 2008”

  1. Oh Randy - you crack me up!!!!

    You want us to send pcs for "B" ??? For your Viper??? Just checking...

    Haha!

    So which do you reckon I'd go for then???!!!!

    🙂

    ???

    And when's the end date for submission pls?

    Have a magical time 😉

    Luscious love and orgasmic days.... to you alll
    Natalie

  2. When out on the lawn, arose such a clatter
    The President-elect so deep in doo he needs a ladder
    Crying: "Let’s try a spending surge –deficits don’t matter!"

  3. When out on the lawn, did rise with much glee,
    As neighbors unite, "It's Obama for me!".
    And plead they may and plead they might,
    "We stand for Change and united we fight!"

    Yet twas on next bright and cheery morn,
    That elk and deer, McCain and Palin did scorn;
    For them: race was lost, but never do fear:
    "There's bailout for ya'll, see ya'll next year!"

    As Clinton embarks on Sec-tary of State
    In York there's a gap, for Maddoff was late.
    As Arnie goes Green, and 'fornia runs broke
    We may need a sign, else all up in smoke.

    In the mess they did make, Foreclosures will rise,
    Rack and ruin abound, owners look to the skies:
    "Where is our Savior, to Champion the Cause?
    Oh where is our Leader, our wounds to degause!"

    And into the breach, our hero will step,
    He with faith hope and love on his hip:
    His sidearms do shine, his vision is clear,
    He's suited, he's booted, "For Barack We Cheer!".

  4. Hey Randy-
    Speaking of Technology...this just 'TEXTED" in to me from Will the Thrill, who is doing last minute shopping.

    He hopes you will accept a second submission when he has time later to really think about this (he was busy looking at diamonds for me)... he left out the first line, but this his first go...
    Jeanne

    "Even Santa's considering Laying off Elves
    Who are fighting to borrow from Gremlins themselves

    The reinder are down to a reduced calorie diet
    And asking to lighten the sleigh to still fly it

    Insurance is way up on the North Pole
    because Global Warming means it may fall through a hole

    But, thank God for Christmas because, none of this stuff really matters
    A man may still love, tho his clothes are in tatters.

    So, stop gazing round and seeing the trouble,
    Falling stocks, losing jobs or the burst real estate bubble.

    Instead look inside and tune into your heart
    Then look around; you may wake with a start,
    There is much more going on than some terrible plight

    It's Christmas good friend so shine your love light!

  5. I'd rather have "B" thanks.
    That's no disrespect to your skills at "C" ... just not my style, but thanks for the offer 😉 anyway ....... Viper.......droollllllllll

    In the finest tradition of Jeff Foxworthy, Here's my sign:
    http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z163/allan1010/welshsign.jpg

    The lower half says "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated" in Welsh ..... which was the reply the City received back when it sent the English text of the sign for translation into Welsh. D'OH!

    Have an incredible, magical Christmas everybody.

  6. Randy...shame on you!

    I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!...and here are my reasons:

    1. It's not that you're not handsome...it's that I'm hetero.
    2. It's not that I don't like Vipers...it's that I'm too old for sex in cars (unless we're talking about a Volvo station wagon with the seats folded up and good padding)
    3. It's not that I think money is evil...it's that my principles won't allow me to accept cash for sex (although I've been told I'm good enough to get paid!)
    4. It's just not gentlemanly to kiss and tell...and to blog about it and then only give me an "honorable mention" would make me feel slutty

    Sorry Randy, if you want me to bend my principles, you're going to have to come up with a lot more than the current offer.
    (even my poetry isn't free)

    Happy Holidays Prosperous People of the Planet

    Cleve

  7. Here's my first effort, rather quickly penned;
    I'll submit more later, when I have more time to write, re-write, and mend.

    These few stanzas don't follow the original form exactly;
    I find it hard to be a conformist lately, to put it tactfully.

    If I am so fortunate as to be selected, I would opt for prize "C" (my pic is on my blog).
    Oh, what a Christmas gift that would be, to satisfy a long-held fantasy!

    Okay, I best put forth my entry, and stop dreaming,
    Before I evaporate from all this frothy, imagined steaming.

    ---------------------
    When out on the lawn, arose such a pitter patter,
    I thought 'twas elves, dozens, here to mix up some batter,
    For fluffy pancakes to feed the downtrodden, you know, all
    Those foreclosed, discharged, laid off, and booted.

    But alas, it was not so, no far from it, for out of my window
    I spied not sparkly eyed elven but fat financiers, muttering,
    "How can we live on only three-quarters of a trillion?"
    Their sticky fingers pawed through my home and those of my neighbors,
    And before we knew what had happened, we all had been looted.

    Seeking succor I called my best friends, Wanda and Sue. Supportive they were,
    Such a loving smart couple; Although they reminded me too of the loss recently theirs,
    Having just begun to enjoy wedded bliss in their SoCal home, these two months past,
    They faced now divorce--forced; the result of ballots by bigots, fearfully cast.

    There may be hope yet, in the man named Obama, middle name Hussein, first name Barack;
    I am cheered by his selection of moderates and thinkers, rather than a barrelfull of liberal hacks;
    Let us on this auspicious day, come together to say, "Out with the petty politics of old,
    And, for once, oh please God, may we be united, truly compassionate, and bold."
    ---------------------

  8. When out on the lawn, arose such a noise,
    We see here Rangy and hear his voice.
    He doesn"t even speak, he is just crying-
    "Shut up everyone!! Christmas is coming!!!"

    ))merry Christmas,Randy!! Best wishes to everyone!!

  9. When out on the lawn arose such a screech
    Hey lads its Randy Gage....but he's out of my reach.
    Hes throwing out gifts marked be selfish..be bold
    Has he heard about frankincense, myrrh and the gold.

    He is reading my mind...and to my surprise
    He turned into a gold icon in front of my eyes
    Was he my present for this Christmas Day
    Oh Randy I wish, but you know I'm not gay.

    He was gone in a flash all was not as it seems
    I awoke on the floor ,just more of those dreams
    Dreams do come true so have nothing to fear
    A very Happy Christmas a Peaceful Prosperous New Year...

    Hello Randy.....long time no see....hope my effort meets with your approval......enjoying your blog.....
    love Angie....(Ireland)

  10. "I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!…"

    Sorry, but THAT made me laugh out loud, bigtime! Hilarious!

    I'd totally have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and let you blog about it, but that's just another 'dream' of mine!
    hahaha
    I will have to come back when I am done laughing at Cleve to add to your poem!

    Merry Christmas and all the best in 2009 to you, Randy! 🙂

  11. Here are the missing first lines just in via text... so add this to the beginning..

    "When out on the lawn arose such a din..
    Twas the sound of big house prices all caving in
    And the Fed bringing bailouts in a flurry and dash
    Tho it's been several months, the banks still won't loan cash.

    Even Santa’s considering Laying off Elves
    Who are fighting to borrow from Gremlins themselves
    etc....
    .................................................................................
    BTW- Will said he hopes he wins.... and wants prize "C".
    Who knew? We may need to work out a collaboration deal.

  12. What fun - here goes:

    When out on the lawn arose such a raucous din
    Randy's bodyguards clasped Santa's furry collar, and wouldn't let him in
    Santa begged and pleaded, I must set things straight
    I was horribly drunk last year, and this Christmas I'm late

    Shame on you Santa, growled bodyguard 1
    Pick up your sack and away with you, begone
    Bodyguard 2 had a gentler nature, he said
    Come back tonight, maybe he'll see you later

    So tradition was broken, Christmas Eve never the same
    Santa flew straight to London, and there he will remain
    Those ungrateful yanks, never did appreciate
    Tradition must never be broken, even when drunk and late!

    p.s 'yanks' is a registered trademark of Mark Twain.
    p.s.s CASH please...

    Happy Christmukkah!

  13. When out on the lawn, arose such a scream, I sat shaking my head, I was sure 'twas a dream.
    I looked out my window with shock and dismay; a frail timid Santa was heading my way.

    His read coat was just hanging, dragging him down; he was pulling a sleigh with no reindeer around.
    I shouted "Hey Santa, where are Rudolf and Blitzen" He just looked at me sadly not seeming to listen.

    Then he nodded "We all set off together, but there wasn't much snow; not my kind of weather.
    Then all of a sudden in a flash they were gone, along with the presents that are due by the morn."

    "Oh woh is me" said Santa, as he started to cry, "Without my good reindeer I never will fly"
    " I should be the jolliest fellow this night, making wishes come true on this Christmas night"

    "How can it be that the magic has left me? When so many children need me so swiftly?"
    I looked into Santa's sad weary eyes, then I looked to the heavens, searching the skies.

    I just had to do something to help Santa out; yet there I stood hopelessly looking about.
    I scanned and I scanned, then I saw something appear; 'Twas Rudolf above with all the other reindeer.

    They circled a while and then gently landed. Santa was clapping and he cheered "I'm not stranded"
    And so right before me a miracle started; the sleigh filled with presents as Santa departed.
    I had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, as I watched Santa and crew up in the sky.

    I started to turn, to go back in side, when I took a step backwards, my mouth open wide.
    There in the driveway a new Viper stood, I laughed 'til I cried; boy it made me feel good.

    Never mind the carols, the ivy and holly. Just as long as we're healthy we can always be jolly.
    Just keep the faith and remember each year, that by helping others we have nothing to fear

    All the best,

  14. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clank
    I knew right away, it was another failed bank
    It was CHANGE all along that Obama was hintin
    And all that we're getting is another 4 years of Clinton

    Then shoes were flying, and Bush was a duckin
    And Obama was ready to give small business a (hey, is this supposed to be clean)
    To the poor we will give, from the rich we will bleed
    But inspite of it all, a Merry Christmas indeed!

    ........................................................................

    Randy, number three is really not my thing. Although in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "not that there's anything wrong with that." I wouldn't think of taking your car from you. That's personal. I will take cash everytime however.

    Have an AWESOME Christmas!

    Frank

  15. When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
    Lo and Belhold they had foreclosed on my friend Joe,
    and now three men had his car in tow.

    That is enough of the negative to say
    I am sticking with reindeer and the big red sleigh.
    A prosperous New Year to All those who have read
    I am grateful for the Universe and All it has said.

    Keep the Faith - Whatever that may be - You gotta Believe !!!!

  16. When out on the lawn, arose such a parade
    Unaware of the gloom, what a magnificent charade
    It was Santa and his Reindeer and Elves with dancing lights,
    It didn’t matter because it was the eve of Christmas night

    And with love in your heart and your spirit held high
    The affairs of the world must pass you on, by and by
    And though some may carry the cross of power and pain
    Let your faith hold tight, make your difference, it’s never in vain.

    It was the eve of Christmas and the world stood still
    And though Castro may laugh, and some cowards bail
    The meaning of Christmas is heard, in all the hearts of men
    To give hope, to give life, the message is clear… Amen.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS RANDY

  17. When out on the lawn, arose such a sound
    How can interest be low when the stock market's down?
    I lay tossing and turning and scratching my head
    Keep the hell out of stocks and buy gold instead!

    The sun in the sky could melt off the snow
    'Cause the globe's getting hot and we'll all going to glow
    When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a list of foreclosures to purchase next year!

    With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
    I yelled, "Bring me my limo, and bring it 'round quick,"
    More rapid than Danica on her Indy race,
    A skip in my step and a smile on my face!

    "Now come let us go, to the court house we must!
    Get in on those sales 'cause the encomomy's bust!
    Be it tax liens, foreclosures, bankruptcies, galore!
    Now let's start investing and bringing back more!

    As dry leaves that before the wild wind dry,
    Let's build us a wind turbine high in the sky.
    And as enviromentalists screem, not knowing what to do,
    With a big [email protected]%kin' windmill, that's next to the zoo!

    And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the dock
    Some fool was caught as they broke away from the flock!
    As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
    This independent thinker was coming around.

    He was dressed in black leather, from his head to his foot,
    Except for the glimmer from his alligator boots
    He grinned as he passed and I asked "what's your bag"
    He softly wispered, "when everybody else zigs, remember to zag."

    Somehow I knew this advise was sincere!
    If you tune to the news, you'll be filled with fear!
    And as they still your dreams and your thoughts fill with doubt,
    And you reach for your gun, cause you think there's now way out.

    Turn off the TV and and turn off the news
    Don't listen to fools who feed off your blues
    Get your head out of someone else's ass
    And keep your head up and your feet on the grass

    So this Christmas you have this poem from an elf
    Laugh, live and love - and THINK for yourself
    Keep an open mind and good thoughs in your head
    Else you'll turn into one of the herd, living dead!

    And as I conclude my Christmas Eve work
    I'll think of a Viper - and I'd drive it to work!
    It may just be a simple thought...
    But even if Chrysler goes under, I'd still drive it a lot!

    I'd also enjoy some Christmas Eve cash,
    For my poetic insights on windmills and flash!
    So now I will exclaim, at the end of what I write,
    "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

  18. ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all thru our house,
    there was scrimping and saving by me and my spouse.
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
    hoping by morning something would actually be in there!

    It’s not that bad really, but the level of fear
    has everyone shaking and holding back on the gear.
    There’s hope for the future, thanks to Obama
    but no one’s quite sure how he’ll solve all the trauma.

    Healthcare for everyone and bailouts for losers,
    sounds like the future might be calling for us to be boozers.
    Anything that’s possible to make things look blurry,
    while someone else figures out how to fix what’s so dreary.

    The answer my friends is not to look elsewhere,
    but to take a good look and fix your own lair.
    We’ve depended too long on help from the outside,
    it’s time to get smart and cover our own hide.

    Thank goodness there’s some laughter, though, compliments of Bush
    as shoes fly by and he ducks like a woos.
    We all think it’s so funny, but it’s sad and yet amazing,
    that our President’s so embarrassing and acts like he’s crazy.

    Lots happening on the sports front as we stay glued to the TV,
    getting fatter by the minute and cheering with glee.
    The Dolphins have surprised us, time for doubters to place bets,
    let’s just hope they can hold on and finish off the Jets.

    Something to cheer about as we wait for Spring Training,
    when the Marlins surprise us again and end up being amazing.
    Thank goodness for sports as it’s a great distraction,
    as the world goes through it’s cyclical contraction.

    There’s hope for the future, just keep your thoughts clear,
    make your own decisions and don’t believe all the fear.
    Prosperity abounds in things that truly last,
    it just looks differently than it has in the past!

    Happy Holidays

  19. When out on the lawn there arose such a screaming
    From Feds all agog about Blago’s seat scheming
    Then away to find Madoff they flew like a flash
    Tore open his fraud that lost billions of cash

    The moon on the face of dear Caroline glows
    Giving Kennedy lustre to a big New York show
    When what to my wondering eyes should appear
    But Obama gone shirtless as media leer

    The retailers pout as they keep dropping prices
    Still hoping to spur on our credit card vices
    More rapid than eagles their big discouns came
    As they whistled and shouted and called us bad names

    But hope is ahead on a cold winter’s day
    When reason and sanity come back to stay
    The nightmare will finally be gone in a whoosh
    When together we say to dash away, Bush

    Obama will clean up the mess that you made
    With a very wise cabinet with him each day
    He’ll spring to his job with Joe at his side
    And return our great nation to one filled with pride

    It may not be easy, digging out of our hole
    Not even Kris Kringle can soften that blow
    But I dare to exclaim at the end of the year
    We received the best gift -- the end of our fear.

  20. then out on the lawn there arose such a drama
    A new name, and voice, a new hope, Obama!
    Bush will be gone, not a minute too late. American dreams will begin to create.
    Not only will pride be returned to the nation.
    But the world will rejoice, with a Gage inspiration

  21. Hey Randy,

    Compared to your other posts this one is getting lot's of comments, and I'm glad to see it. And your readers are GREAT, creative, imaginitive, forthcoming, wow.

    P.S. The prizes you offer should be news-wordy to get you lot's of free PR (which will get you tons of new listners), perhaps you should put out a Press Release.

    Happy Holiday's
    -Lou

  22. My recommendation is that you donate the $100,000 (A) to a worthy cause in honor of all your wonderful readers that believe His Holiness Randy Gage really can walk on water and is the coolest contrarian on the planet Earth. Rant on, Randy, Rant on! Yours for the Bentley, FAME GUY

  23. My contribution-Love you Randy but I'll pass on potion C!
    When out on the lawn, arose such a clatter.
    I quickly arose to see what's the matter.
    I looked out the window to see what it was, and caught a glimpse of my man Santa Claus.
    I asked 'How's it going?", and he said with a smile, "What you talkin about fool, cell phones, Ipods and Wii games still rule.
    The times may be hard and people are still hurtin, but I'll make my rounds on that I'm certin.
    I'll keep up the good fight just like Obama, when in fact who knows they might yet find Osama.
    Well on that my boy, I must surely be going, on to the next hood before it starts snowing.
    Remember to pray and hold onto your cash, don't trust the stock market, it may yet crash.
    Invest in U.S. Bonds, Uncle Sam needs the money, there'll surely be more bailouts, it's really not funny.
    CEO's, executives sen abusing the moment, Senator Mccain realizing Governor Palin was the wrong component.
    So go back to bed, to sleep and don't fret, Obama and Hilary soon on duty will save us yet!
    On Donder, on Blitzen, get back to the sky, will see you next year Randy, on that note, goodbye"!

  24. Randy: here's my version of Twas The Night Before Christmas...including your beginning verses...mine begins after the opening of verse # 5.
    Happy Holiday!
    ====================

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the U.S.;
    The economy was tanking, and things were a mess.
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;
    Hoping for coal, because the fuel tanks were bare.

    The big three automakers were begging for scraps;
    And the airline executives were searching for gaps.
    Both Democrats and Republicans together did link;
    In a partnership to budget for lots more red ink.

    The fundamentalists kept working to make everyone straight;
    Scaring up enough money to win proposition 8.
    Elsewhere the court system said, “justice we’ll heal ya;
    “OJ you can kill, just don’t steal memorabilia.”

    In the rest of the world, the song was the same;
    With governments clamoring to play the Socialism game.
    Guarantees, bailouts and the takeovers we feared;
    Must have had Castro laughing in his beard.

    When out on the lawn, arose such a fuss;
    It was Sarah Palin and Tina Fey going at it on a bus.
    And who should step in but our dear President Bush
    With his head buried up, Obama’s tush

    Obama was yelling to stop the war;
    While Bush was screaming, more, more, more.
    When out of Afghanistan Bin Laden was spotted;
    To a meeting with Putin, Osama then trotted

    Now Cheney, now Bush, get out of my way;
    My name is Hilary and I’m coming to stay.
    I’m on my way to the top of the Hill;
    Oh dear, I forgot to take my purple pill.

    Oh Bill dear, I heard Hilary say;
    I’m almost there, so stay out of my way.
    Holding her head ever so high;
    You can even hear Bill say “can you unzip my fly?”

    It was almost the time for Bush to say bye bye:
    Then into the Texas mist, Bush did fly;
    When suddenly, out of nowhere did Obama appear;
    Filled with joy and much good cheer.

    With his head so bald, shaped like a ham;
    Let us pray he’s got a Plan B, and doesn’t get his ass in a jam.
    He dresses real nice and his wifey too;
    Will someone please show her what the hell to do.

    He comes to the throne with a bright new stance;
    Does he know that he’s really, got to learn the “dance”?
    With his mouth agape, searching for the right words to say;
    This dude better get his act together if he wants to be in the big world play.

    Into the fire with his head held high, he’s been chosen as the best;
    Be proud of your heritage and who you are; be ready to be put to the test.
    You’re the first Black American President…of that you can feel proud;
    As the word spreads far and near, we are United, and we sing it out loud.

    WE are committed to the Glory of America, America the beautiful; as we sing praise;
    Our spirits are high; our faith holds fast, we are all ready for the next phase.
    The challenges we face are too numerous to list right here;
    But we know as Americans with our heads held high, we face them with good cheer.

    With the spirit of Christmas upon us today; it’s important for us all to say;
    Let the Past Be The Past; and enter the New Year, with hope for a brighter future, and so, let us pray.
    And it’s with universal American joy, as we welcome in our new President, and bring in the New Year;
    We say goodbye to 2008, and face our destiny, together without any fear.

  25. When out on the lawn arose such a chatter
    Could it be Santa or a new president elect
    Would it be presents or new hope for the future
    would it be gift wrapped or a speech that offered hope
    Ill go for the latter as money is scarce
    No clothes for the children, no food for their mouths

    We live half a world away and the effects can be felt
    Our dollar was equal but its tripled since then
    my job was secure till they gave me the sack
    I drove a company car now I walk there and back
    The fuel for my car is double my rent
    Instead of three bedrooms we survive in a tent

    I guess this is just the domino effect
    When the leader goes down, we all fall down
    First goes America, the Brits and the Turks
    in 3 easy months we will all hit the deck

    No more worries about money or world poverty
    the cure for cancer, the green house effect,
    world global warming, death and disease
    gang warfare, child molestation and the war in Iraq
    unemployment, housing crisis and the state of the nation
    Non of this will matter when no one is standing

    but Xmas has come with spending in the billions
    new shining Ipods, french champagne and roast dinners
    The shops will all close and families will gather
    well pretend its about Santa and Jesus but not world consumerism
    we will stay in denial and spend our last dollar
    on tinsel, and gifts and we will thank god
    and tomorrow we'll wake up to a world in a mess

    Happy Hanukkah to you wherever you live
    Merry Xmas, ho ho and lots of good cheer
    For today is a new day and that offers hope

    The new year is coming so hold up your glass
    Lets celebrate and enjoy while it still lasts

  26. cont'd from above:

    It’s Christmas good friend so shine your love light!

    And now that a tear may fall from your face at the lovely few words that just took place,
    Oh Randy Oh Randy how could you so tease,
    One hour will do, you'll LOVE it you'll see.

  27. And now that a tear may fall from your face at the lovely few words that just took place,
    Oh Randy Oh Randy how could you so tease,
    One hour will do, you’ll LOVE it you’ll see.

  28. Randy, if I win prize "C", I'll have to check with Grace first. Anyhoo, here's my entry.......

    When out on the lawn, there arose such a ruckus,
    I sprang from my bed! "Has insanity struck us?"

    The herd was rioting, screeching and crying
    As if their entitlement dreams were all dying!

    Now Sarah! Now Johnny! Now 'Bama! Now Biden!
    Can anyone say where Ron Paul is hidin'?

    I started to worry, to scowl and to fret,
    "Am I doomed to a life of perpetual debt?

    "Is this horrible mess without a solution?
    Is there anyone here to cause revolution?

    I know! I need the Prosperity Sage ---
    The one, the only, the inimitable Gage!

    He won't have fallen into a state of depression
    He probably chooses to ignore the recession."

    And what to my hopeful eyes should appear,
    but a Viper loaded with Prosperity Gear.

    With a sprightly young driver, so handsome and tan,
    I knew in a moment it must be The Man.

    He'll show me how I can rewrite my memes,
    And that will restore my Prosperity Dreams.

    His eyes, how they twinkled. But his manner was serious.
    "I have the answer! But you --- are you curious?

    "I'm writing a 'festo that'll cause you to think!
    Only that can pull you back from the brink.

    "So I'm off to Key West to type up The Word.
    (What I'm writing is for your eyes, not for the herd!)"

    And with that, he peeled off like a bat out of Hades,
    Looking for fun (but not with the ladies).

    And I heard him proclaim as he flew like a kite:
    "Wealth and riches to all, and to all a Dream Bright!"

    Wishing you the Happiest of Holidays, and a most prosperous New Year!
    -- jim

  29. Hey Jim-
    We met at the Thanksgiving ballgame in Ft Laud . I just have to say your version has me cracking up!!! Well done.
    Jeanne

  30. From my octogenarian grandma:

    When out on the lawn arose a halabalu
    We truly didn' know what to do.
    A shocking sight for all of our clan
    Was the Monsterous President of Iran!
    Ranting and raving in his usual way
    "Get rid of the Jews and Gentiles and Israel today
    The U.S. is our enemy and has to go
    There is no Christmas, cause I said so !"

  31. His Holiness Randy Gage:

    Given the extraordinary brilliance your loyal and faithful flock has shown in the area of creative ranting it is my recommendation that you amend all your prizes to showcase a much higher level of prosperity consciousness commiserate with your wise teachings:

    1.) $100,000. to be divided equally among all the members of your flock gutsy enough to contribute a holiday mega-rant to your blog.

    2.) The heck with the VIPER SRT...the winner should get your black on black pimped out BENTLEY MOTORCAR...you've had a great year with AGEL so you can order another one... better yet why not get a Bugatti Veyron...by far the most expensive street legal car available on the market today...cost $1.2 million...now that is prosperity on wheels!

    3.) Steamy sex (and join the mile high club) with you on-board Emirates Airlines in one of their first-class suites while traveling to Dubai where you will provide all expense paid weekend at the Jumerirah Beach Hotel where you and the lucky winner will work side-by-side (in and out of bed) and take long walks on the beach pondering the next million dollar idea.

    4.) Honorable mention? Now that not playing fair and very Scrooge like. Anyone who can help you finish your holiday rant is certainly worthy of receiving far greater riches and publicity. I think you should pay for them to have their very own blog custom designed by your buddy Ford, so that they too may feel the power and influence of ranting on the internet.

    Merry Christmas to all and to all a prosperous New Year!

    Rant on bro, rant on,
    FAME GUY

  32. when again out on the lawn, arose such a racket,
    I decided to go down to great last year's fagget.
    I knew that he would not come down the chimney, in ashes and soot.
    Because of his big fat ass, I knew he was not going to go by the book.

    But when the door opened, no one could have believed
    That the big red blob from last year had receeded
    Instead of finding the fast food restaurant raider
    I was looking at a divinely body, even better

    "Saint Nick," I exclaimed "What happened to you?"
    "This ain't something that came out of the blue"
    "You must have worked out and went on a diet"
    "and I am sure that people didn't stay quiet"

    "How come I didn't hear about your new style and shape"
    "From the news or the pavorati, this couldn't escape"

    Saint nick said, "Well after visiting you last year I decided,
    that my life had to change, so network marketing I started.
    I joined a company that had nutritional supplements,
    And followed their system without any comments".

    "I listen to tapes from great teachers, you see,
    and learned all the tricks that there might be.
    And now, I am doing this one year thing,
    Just for the fun it, just for a fling.

    "And I would even add that I stopped smoking,"
    Saint Nick said, with a smile that seemed provoking.
    I said,"Oh, no buster, even if you slimmed down,"
    "I ain't interested in being your clown"

    But I'll say this without hesitation,
    You really deserve some gratification.
    Which proves to say that anybody can do it,
    If you find your why and put your heart to it.

    After talking to Saint Nick for this short phase,
    I finally agreed that I had again been amazed.
    As I watched the new person climb aboard his sleigh,
    And putting a CD of Jim Rohn, if you may.

    I had this idea of teaming up with the queer,
    but only so that I can send everyone next year,
    My personnal greetings and salutations
    and my plan to change all nations.

    So that everyone can get a piece of this great big piece of pie
    and I really mean it, for I can't lie
    That everyone deserves to be happy and rich
    Wouldn't that be great, wouldn't that be a switch.

    I wish you all a holiday filled with good friends, happy reunions, and
    stimulating consversations - and a happy new year filled with hope and highest
    good. And find peace in your earth, because this is were it begins, and soon
    after that, peace on earth will follow.

    Carole Boudreau
    Petit Rocher Nord, NB Canada

    P.S.: I didn't understand why I should send my picture to get the viper. I do believe you
    ment it for "C" a night of hot steamy sex with you. And there again, I see myself declining
    since I have already that commodity with someone else. Honorable mention in the next blog
    is ok, but I am aiming for the 100,000$ in cash..... who wouldn't.... hahaha.

  33. Thank you, Jeanne! I tried to work a softball reference into the poem, but everything I came up with was so suggestive, I was afraid that Santa would consider me "naughty" and not bring me any presents. I didn't want to take the chance. Happy Holidays!! -- jim

  34. Hi,
    I always reading your blog and Rant´s, but never comment, now is different, your followers are really funny. Their comments made my day, ha,ha,ha,ha,.

    This sentence what the best: “I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!…”

    Good sense of humor.

    Feliz Navidad y prospero año nuevo para todos

  35. When on the rose lawn there arose such a clatter
    Ol W work up to see what was the matter
    And there to his wondering eyes did appear
    110,000,000 americans who woke up from their fear

    It's too late he excamined, as he noded in glee
    Me and the neo-cons have trimumphed you see
    the middle class worker, professional and mom
    have all been down graded and sent to the poor farm

    and the jolly ol elf in his mindless ol way
    laid out a bushism in his truly bush way
    It started w/ Ronnie and ended with me
    we made the rich richer and redefined Greed

    Oh you demo-o-crates won but there ain't nothing left
    we took more than ALL and burned up the rest
    you won't get no heathcare, or education u see
    but you will get to travel to Iraq and for free

    and so all american's who stood on the lawn
    lost all of their confidence and became all withdrawn
    the economy tanked there was no money left
    and the rich all stopped spending and cried depression instead

    As the country decended into long bitter night
    ol W exclaimined and was partially right
    You all stood around and you sat on you hands
    so to all a merry christmas and good luck to your man! (obama)

  36. “I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!…”

    Hey, all the writings are great, but this one takes the cake!!! loves it!!!!

  37. Hi Randy!

    I don't know if this qualifies but I want to share with you my Twas The Night....adaptation specifically for Online Network Marketers... I wrote it on Dec. 24, '09....here goes:

    "Twas The Night Before Christmas...for Network Marketers"
    (by Emma Tiebens)

    Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, except my computer’s mouse.
    News of recession has prompted me to care ,
    For people in the network marketing industry hurting everywhere.

    The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
    How to reach out to many kept dancing in my head.
    As my family snored, I donned my thinking cap,
    Wouldn’t even consider for a moment to take a winter’s nap.

    When into my Inbox arose such a clatter,
    Propped myself on the bed to see what was the matter.
    Invitations to connect came in like a flash,
    I honestly thought my computer would crash!

    I didn’t even notice the fresh-fallen snow
    Was so busy sending lots of “hello”
    To new and unexpected leads which appeared,
    Out of nowhere, from people both new and endeared.

    My God-given brain started processing quick,
    So many strategies out there, which one should I pick?
    Everyone claims theirs is the best.
    I need to know what really works that stands above the rest!!

    In the past I’ve toyed with the leads that you buy,
    With hopes that they’d bring me my pie in the sky.
    So daily I called at least one hundred and two,
    Spoke with ten, but the rest I couldn’t get through.

    "Now Dillard! Now, Belcher! Now, Reese and now Kern!
    On, Ceballos! On, Fong! On Yaghi and Bell!
    Worked together to change the course of us all
    By sharing their “secrets” they helped us not to fall!

    And then, in a twinkling, I’m no longer aloof
    As how to be magnetic is far from fool proof
    There are hurdles to overcome to turn things around
    Good thing we have access to leaders who abound.

    I mustered my strength and stepped out with one foot,
    Web 2.0 and capture pages, new knowledge took root.
    Though I got some responses, I was taken aback,
    My page wasn’t converting, a skill I definitely lacked.

    Someone did tell me that blogging would carry,
    The weight of generating organic leads in a hurry!
    Signed up for WordPress my first article I sowed,
    Not really understanding how everything flowed.

    Then the social media craze made me clench my teeth,
    Wrote updates and comments as often as I breathe.
    With My Space, Twitter, Facebook, I put down the telly ,
    But source info and split testing were a tad hard to tally!

    Through all these I realized how vital is oneself,
    In giving without want, being of service and of help
    Inspiring, encouraging on what lies ahead
    Soon gave me the courage I had nothing to dread.

    With mentors I was blessed with I went straight to work,
    Focused on one or two strategies that brought the most perk.
    Identifying true divine purpose helped overcome my woes
    From having no following, my numbers arose!

    I jumped on the wagon then gave the team a whistle,
    And while things are uncertain, my confidence has settled.
    Now more than ever on this very special night,
    "Happy Christmas to all…let’s put up a good fight!"

    (an adaptation from Twas A Night Before Christmas A Poem by Clement Clarke Moore)

  38. This follows on from your first section:

    When out on the lawn, arose such a crash
    T’was Hillary Clinton dressed in her best sash
    “I should have been President” she plaintively cried
    Shortly Bill arrived at her side

    “She should have been President“, he quickly agreed
    “So that all our friends in jail can be freed
    But at least she’s Secretary and has a good post
    Plus a new crop of interns,” he leered with a boast.

    Then Barack Obama flew in with a swish
    Humbly obeying the country’s wish
    “It’s an uphill climb,” he mournfully said
    “The dollar is worthless and the economy’s dead”

    First I have to deal with Iraq
    And bring those young men of ours rapidly back
    Then there’s healthcare, unemployment and corruption
    What I have to do may cause some disruption

    But Biden soon arrived by his side
    With his whitest teeth and his grin so wide
    “Don’t worry, we’ll make it,” he said with a grin
    “We’ll all work together on this and win

    Tis a new day a’dawning for all of good cheer
    With hope for the future and an end to fear.”
    And so they turned and flew off out of sight
    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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  • 49 comments on “The Night Before Christmas, 2008”

    1. Oh Randy - you crack me up!!!!

      You want us to send pcs for "B" ??? For your Viper??? Just checking...

      Haha!

      So which do you reckon I'd go for then???!!!!

      🙂

      ???

      And when's the end date for submission pls?

      Have a magical time 😉

      Luscious love and orgasmic days.... to you alll
      Natalie

    2. When out on the lawn, arose such a clatter
      The President-elect so deep in doo he needs a ladder
      Crying: "Let’s try a spending surge –deficits don’t matter!"

    3. When out on the lawn, did rise with much glee,
      As neighbors unite, "It's Obama for me!".
      And plead they may and plead they might,
      "We stand for Change and united we fight!"

      Yet twas on next bright and cheery morn,
      That elk and deer, McCain and Palin did scorn;
      For them: race was lost, but never do fear:
      "There's bailout for ya'll, see ya'll next year!"

      As Clinton embarks on Sec-tary of State
      In York there's a gap, for Maddoff was late.
      As Arnie goes Green, and 'fornia runs broke
      We may need a sign, else all up in smoke.

      In the mess they did make, Foreclosures will rise,
      Rack and ruin abound, owners look to the skies:
      "Where is our Savior, to Champion the Cause?
      Oh where is our Leader, our wounds to degause!"

      And into the breach, our hero will step,
      He with faith hope and love on his hip:
      His sidearms do shine, his vision is clear,
      He's suited, he's booted, "For Barack We Cheer!".

    4. Hey Randy-
      Speaking of Technology...this just 'TEXTED" in to me from Will the Thrill, who is doing last minute shopping.

      He hopes you will accept a second submission when he has time later to really think about this (he was busy looking at diamonds for me)... he left out the first line, but this his first go...
      Jeanne

      "Even Santa's considering Laying off Elves
      Who are fighting to borrow from Gremlins themselves

      The reinder are down to a reduced calorie diet
      And asking to lighten the sleigh to still fly it

      Insurance is way up on the North Pole
      because Global Warming means it may fall through a hole

      But, thank God for Christmas because, none of this stuff really matters
      A man may still love, tho his clothes are in tatters.

      So, stop gazing round and seeing the trouble,
      Falling stocks, losing jobs or the burst real estate bubble.

      Instead look inside and tune into your heart
      Then look around; you may wake with a start,
      There is much more going on than some terrible plight

      It's Christmas good friend so shine your love light!

    5. I'd rather have "B" thanks.
      That's no disrespect to your skills at "C" ... just not my style, but thanks for the offer 😉 anyway ....... Viper.......droollllllllll

      In the finest tradition of Jeff Foxworthy, Here's my sign:
      http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z163/allan1010/welshsign.jpg

      The lower half says "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated" in Welsh ..... which was the reply the City received back when it sent the English text of the sign for translation into Welsh. D'OH!

      Have an incredible, magical Christmas everybody.

    6. Randy...shame on you!

      I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!...and here are my reasons:

      1. It's not that you're not handsome...it's that I'm hetero.
      2. It's not that I don't like Vipers...it's that I'm too old for sex in cars (unless we're talking about a Volvo station wagon with the seats folded up and good padding)
      3. It's not that I think money is evil...it's that my principles won't allow me to accept cash for sex (although I've been told I'm good enough to get paid!)
      4. It's just not gentlemanly to kiss and tell...and to blog about it and then only give me an "honorable mention" would make me feel slutty

      Sorry Randy, if you want me to bend my principles, you're going to have to come up with a lot more than the current offer.
      (even my poetry isn't free)

      Happy Holidays Prosperous People of the Planet

      Cleve

    7. Here's my first effort, rather quickly penned;
      I'll submit more later, when I have more time to write, re-write, and mend.

      These few stanzas don't follow the original form exactly;
      I find it hard to be a conformist lately, to put it tactfully.

      If I am so fortunate as to be selected, I would opt for prize "C" (my pic is on my blog).
      Oh, what a Christmas gift that would be, to satisfy a long-held fantasy!

      Okay, I best put forth my entry, and stop dreaming,
      Before I evaporate from all this frothy, imagined steaming.

      ---------------------
      When out on the lawn, arose such a pitter patter,
      I thought 'twas elves, dozens, here to mix up some batter,
      For fluffy pancakes to feed the downtrodden, you know, all
      Those foreclosed, discharged, laid off, and booted.

      But alas, it was not so, no far from it, for out of my window
      I spied not sparkly eyed elven but fat financiers, muttering,
      "How can we live on only three-quarters of a trillion?"
      Their sticky fingers pawed through my home and those of my neighbors,
      And before we knew what had happened, we all had been looted.

      Seeking succor I called my best friends, Wanda and Sue. Supportive they were,
      Such a loving smart couple; Although they reminded me too of the loss recently theirs,
      Having just begun to enjoy wedded bliss in their SoCal home, these two months past,
      They faced now divorce--forced; the result of ballots by bigots, fearfully cast.

      There may be hope yet, in the man named Obama, middle name Hussein, first name Barack;
      I am cheered by his selection of moderates and thinkers, rather than a barrelfull of liberal hacks;
      Let us on this auspicious day, come together to say, "Out with the petty politics of old,
      And, for once, oh please God, may we be united, truly compassionate, and bold."
      ---------------------

    8. When out on the lawn, arose such a noise,
      We see here Rangy and hear his voice.
      He doesn"t even speak, he is just crying-
      "Shut up everyone!! Christmas is coming!!!"

      ))merry Christmas,Randy!! Best wishes to everyone!!

    9. When out on the lawn arose such a screech
      Hey lads its Randy Gage....but he's out of my reach.
      Hes throwing out gifts marked be selfish..be bold
      Has he heard about frankincense, myrrh and the gold.

      He is reading my mind...and to my surprise
      He turned into a gold icon in front of my eyes
      Was he my present for this Christmas Day
      Oh Randy I wish, but you know I'm not gay.

      He was gone in a flash all was not as it seems
      I awoke on the floor ,just more of those dreams
      Dreams do come true so have nothing to fear
      A very Happy Christmas a Peaceful Prosperous New Year...

      Hello Randy.....long time no see....hope my effort meets with your approval......enjoying your blog.....
      love Angie....(Ireland)

    10. "I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!…"

      Sorry, but THAT made me laugh out loud, bigtime! Hilarious!

      I'd totally have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and let you blog about it, but that's just another 'dream' of mine!
      hahaha
      I will have to come back when I am done laughing at Cleve to add to your poem!

      Merry Christmas and all the best in 2009 to you, Randy! 🙂

    11. Here are the missing first lines just in via text... so add this to the beginning..

      "When out on the lawn arose such a din..
      Twas the sound of big house prices all caving in
      And the Fed bringing bailouts in a flurry and dash
      Tho it's been several months, the banks still won't loan cash.

      Even Santa’s considering Laying off Elves
      Who are fighting to borrow from Gremlins themselves
      etc....
      .................................................................................
      BTW- Will said he hopes he wins.... and wants prize "C".
      Who knew? We may need to work out a collaboration deal.

    12. What fun - here goes:

      When out on the lawn arose such a raucous din
      Randy's bodyguards clasped Santa's furry collar, and wouldn't let him in
      Santa begged and pleaded, I must set things straight
      I was horribly drunk last year, and this Christmas I'm late

      Shame on you Santa, growled bodyguard 1
      Pick up your sack and away with you, begone
      Bodyguard 2 had a gentler nature, he said
      Come back tonight, maybe he'll see you later

      So tradition was broken, Christmas Eve never the same
      Santa flew straight to London, and there he will remain
      Those ungrateful yanks, never did appreciate
      Tradition must never be broken, even when drunk and late!

      p.s 'yanks' is a registered trademark of Mark Twain.
      p.s.s CASH please...

      Happy Christmukkah!

    13. When out on the lawn, arose such a scream, I sat shaking my head, I was sure 'twas a dream.
      I looked out my window with shock and dismay; a frail timid Santa was heading my way.

      His read coat was just hanging, dragging him down; he was pulling a sleigh with no reindeer around.
      I shouted "Hey Santa, where are Rudolf and Blitzen" He just looked at me sadly not seeming to listen.

      Then he nodded "We all set off together, but there wasn't much snow; not my kind of weather.
      Then all of a sudden in a flash they were gone, along with the presents that are due by the morn."

      "Oh woh is me" said Santa, as he started to cry, "Without my good reindeer I never will fly"
      " I should be the jolliest fellow this night, making wishes come true on this Christmas night"

      "How can it be that the magic has left me? When so many children need me so swiftly?"
      I looked into Santa's sad weary eyes, then I looked to the heavens, searching the skies.

      I just had to do something to help Santa out; yet there I stood hopelessly looking about.
      I scanned and I scanned, then I saw something appear; 'Twas Rudolf above with all the other reindeer.

      They circled a while and then gently landed. Santa was clapping and he cheered "I'm not stranded"
      And so right before me a miracle started; the sleigh filled with presents as Santa departed.
      I had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, as I watched Santa and crew up in the sky.

      I started to turn, to go back in side, when I took a step backwards, my mouth open wide.
      There in the driveway a new Viper stood, I laughed 'til I cried; boy it made me feel good.

      Never mind the carols, the ivy and holly. Just as long as we're healthy we can always be jolly.
      Just keep the faith and remember each year, that by helping others we have nothing to fear

      All the best,

    14. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clank
      I knew right away, it was another failed bank
      It was CHANGE all along that Obama was hintin
      And all that we're getting is another 4 years of Clinton

      Then shoes were flying, and Bush was a duckin
      And Obama was ready to give small business a (hey, is this supposed to be clean)
      To the poor we will give, from the rich we will bleed
      But inspite of it all, a Merry Christmas indeed!

      ........................................................................

      Randy, number three is really not my thing. Although in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "not that there's anything wrong with that." I wouldn't think of taking your car from you. That's personal. I will take cash everytime however.

      Have an AWESOME Christmas!

      Frank

    15. When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter
      I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
      Lo and Belhold they had foreclosed on my friend Joe,
      and now three men had his car in tow.

      That is enough of the negative to say
      I am sticking with reindeer and the big red sleigh.
      A prosperous New Year to All those who have read
      I am grateful for the Universe and All it has said.

      Keep the Faith - Whatever that may be - You gotta Believe !!!!

    16. When out on the lawn, arose such a parade
      Unaware of the gloom, what a magnificent charade
      It was Santa and his Reindeer and Elves with dancing lights,
      It didn’t matter because it was the eve of Christmas night

      And with love in your heart and your spirit held high
      The affairs of the world must pass you on, by and by
      And though some may carry the cross of power and pain
      Let your faith hold tight, make your difference, it’s never in vain.

      It was the eve of Christmas and the world stood still
      And though Castro may laugh, and some cowards bail
      The meaning of Christmas is heard, in all the hearts of men
      To give hope, to give life, the message is clear… Amen.

      MERRY CHRISTMAS RANDY

    17. When out on the lawn, arose such a sound
      How can interest be low when the stock market's down?
      I lay tossing and turning and scratching my head
      Keep the hell out of stocks and buy gold instead!

      The sun in the sky could melt off the snow
      'Cause the globe's getting hot and we'll all going to glow
      When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
      But a list of foreclosures to purchase next year!

      With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
      I yelled, "Bring me my limo, and bring it 'round quick,"
      More rapid than Danica on her Indy race,
      A skip in my step and a smile on my face!

      "Now come let us go, to the court house we must!
      Get in on those sales 'cause the encomomy's bust!
      Be it tax liens, foreclosures, bankruptcies, galore!
      Now let's start investing and bringing back more!

      As dry leaves that before the wild wind dry,
      Let's build us a wind turbine high in the sky.
      And as enviromentalists screem, not knowing what to do,
      With a big [email protected]%kin' windmill, that's next to the zoo!

      And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the dock
      Some fool was caught as they broke away from the flock!
      As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
      This independent thinker was coming around.

      He was dressed in black leather, from his head to his foot,
      Except for the glimmer from his alligator boots
      He grinned as he passed and I asked "what's your bag"
      He softly wispered, "when everybody else zigs, remember to zag."

      Somehow I knew this advise was sincere!
      If you tune to the news, you'll be filled with fear!
      And as they still your dreams and your thoughts fill with doubt,
      And you reach for your gun, cause you think there's now way out.

      Turn off the TV and and turn off the news
      Don't listen to fools who feed off your blues
      Get your head out of someone else's ass
      And keep your head up and your feet on the grass

      So this Christmas you have this poem from an elf
      Laugh, live and love - and THINK for yourself
      Keep an open mind and good thoughs in your head
      Else you'll turn into one of the herd, living dead!

      And as I conclude my Christmas Eve work
      I'll think of a Viper - and I'd drive it to work!
      It may just be a simple thought...
      But even if Chrysler goes under, I'd still drive it a lot!

      I'd also enjoy some Christmas Eve cash,
      For my poetic insights on windmills and flash!
      So now I will exclaim, at the end of what I write,
      "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

    18. ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all thru our house,
      there was scrimping and saving by me and my spouse.
      The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
      hoping by morning something would actually be in there!

      It’s not that bad really, but the level of fear
      has everyone shaking and holding back on the gear.
      There’s hope for the future, thanks to Obama
      but no one’s quite sure how he’ll solve all the trauma.

      Healthcare for everyone and bailouts for losers,
      sounds like the future might be calling for us to be boozers.
      Anything that’s possible to make things look blurry,
      while someone else figures out how to fix what’s so dreary.

      The answer my friends is not to look elsewhere,
      but to take a good look and fix your own lair.
      We’ve depended too long on help from the outside,
      it’s time to get smart and cover our own hide.

      Thank goodness there’s some laughter, though, compliments of Bush
      as shoes fly by and he ducks like a woos.
      We all think it’s so funny, but it’s sad and yet amazing,
      that our President’s so embarrassing and acts like he’s crazy.

      Lots happening on the sports front as we stay glued to the TV,
      getting fatter by the minute and cheering with glee.
      The Dolphins have surprised us, time for doubters to place bets,
      let’s just hope they can hold on and finish off the Jets.

      Something to cheer about as we wait for Spring Training,
      when the Marlins surprise us again and end up being amazing.
      Thank goodness for sports as it’s a great distraction,
      as the world goes through it’s cyclical contraction.

      There’s hope for the future, just keep your thoughts clear,
      make your own decisions and don’t believe all the fear.
      Prosperity abounds in things that truly last,
      it just looks differently than it has in the past!

      Happy Holidays

    19. When out on the lawn there arose such a screaming
      From Feds all agog about Blago’s seat scheming
      Then away to find Madoff they flew like a flash
      Tore open his fraud that lost billions of cash

      The moon on the face of dear Caroline glows
      Giving Kennedy lustre to a big New York show
      When what to my wondering eyes should appear
      But Obama gone shirtless as media leer

      The retailers pout as they keep dropping prices
      Still hoping to spur on our credit card vices
      More rapid than eagles their big discouns came
      As they whistled and shouted and called us bad names

      But hope is ahead on a cold winter’s day
      When reason and sanity come back to stay
      The nightmare will finally be gone in a whoosh
      When together we say to dash away, Bush

      Obama will clean up the mess that you made
      With a very wise cabinet with him each day
      He’ll spring to his job with Joe at his side
      And return our great nation to one filled with pride

      It may not be easy, digging out of our hole
      Not even Kris Kringle can soften that blow
      But I dare to exclaim at the end of the year
      We received the best gift -- the end of our fear.

    20. then out on the lawn there arose such a drama
      A new name, and voice, a new hope, Obama!
      Bush will be gone, not a minute too late. American dreams will begin to create.
      Not only will pride be returned to the nation.
      But the world will rejoice, with a Gage inspiration

    21. Hey Randy,

      Compared to your other posts this one is getting lot's of comments, and I'm glad to see it. And your readers are GREAT, creative, imaginitive, forthcoming, wow.

      P.S. The prizes you offer should be news-wordy to get you lot's of free PR (which will get you tons of new listners), perhaps you should put out a Press Release.

      Happy Holiday's
      -Lou

    22. My recommendation is that you donate the $100,000 (A) to a worthy cause in honor of all your wonderful readers that believe His Holiness Randy Gage really can walk on water and is the coolest contrarian on the planet Earth. Rant on, Randy, Rant on! Yours for the Bentley, FAME GUY

    23. My contribution-Love you Randy but I'll pass on potion C!
      When out on the lawn, arose such a clatter.
      I quickly arose to see what's the matter.
      I looked out the window to see what it was, and caught a glimpse of my man Santa Claus.
      I asked 'How's it going?", and he said with a smile, "What you talkin about fool, cell phones, Ipods and Wii games still rule.
      The times may be hard and people are still hurtin, but I'll make my rounds on that I'm certin.
      I'll keep up the good fight just like Obama, when in fact who knows they might yet find Osama.
      Well on that my boy, I must surely be going, on to the next hood before it starts snowing.
      Remember to pray and hold onto your cash, don't trust the stock market, it may yet crash.
      Invest in U.S. Bonds, Uncle Sam needs the money, there'll surely be more bailouts, it's really not funny.
      CEO's, executives sen abusing the moment, Senator Mccain realizing Governor Palin was the wrong component.
      So go back to bed, to sleep and don't fret, Obama and Hilary soon on duty will save us yet!
      On Donder, on Blitzen, get back to the sky, will see you next year Randy, on that note, goodbye"!

    24. Randy: here's my version of Twas The Night Before Christmas...including your beginning verses...mine begins after the opening of verse # 5.
      Happy Holiday!
      ====================

      ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the U.S.;
      The economy was tanking, and things were a mess.
      The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;
      Hoping for coal, because the fuel tanks were bare.

      The big three automakers were begging for scraps;
      And the airline executives were searching for gaps.
      Both Democrats and Republicans together did link;
      In a partnership to budget for lots more red ink.

      The fundamentalists kept working to make everyone straight;
      Scaring up enough money to win proposition 8.
      Elsewhere the court system said, “justice we’ll heal ya;
      “OJ you can kill, just don’t steal memorabilia.”

      In the rest of the world, the song was the same;
      With governments clamoring to play the Socialism game.
      Guarantees, bailouts and the takeovers we feared;
      Must have had Castro laughing in his beard.

      When out on the lawn, arose such a fuss;
      It was Sarah Palin and Tina Fey going at it on a bus.
      And who should step in but our dear President Bush
      With his head buried up, Obama’s tush

      Obama was yelling to stop the war;
      While Bush was screaming, more, more, more.
      When out of Afghanistan Bin Laden was spotted;
      To a meeting with Putin, Osama then trotted

      Now Cheney, now Bush, get out of my way;
      My name is Hilary and I’m coming to stay.
      I’m on my way to the top of the Hill;
      Oh dear, I forgot to take my purple pill.

      Oh Bill dear, I heard Hilary say;
      I’m almost there, so stay out of my way.
      Holding her head ever so high;
      You can even hear Bill say “can you unzip my fly?”

      It was almost the time for Bush to say bye bye:
      Then into the Texas mist, Bush did fly;
      When suddenly, out of nowhere did Obama appear;
      Filled with joy and much good cheer.

      With his head so bald, shaped like a ham;
      Let us pray he’s got a Plan B, and doesn’t get his ass in a jam.
      He dresses real nice and his wifey too;
      Will someone please show her what the hell to do.

      He comes to the throne with a bright new stance;
      Does he know that he’s really, got to learn the “dance”?
      With his mouth agape, searching for the right words to say;
      This dude better get his act together if he wants to be in the big world play.

      Into the fire with his head held high, he’s been chosen as the best;
      Be proud of your heritage and who you are; be ready to be put to the test.
      You’re the first Black American President…of that you can feel proud;
      As the word spreads far and near, we are United, and we sing it out loud.

      WE are committed to the Glory of America, America the beautiful; as we sing praise;
      Our spirits are high; our faith holds fast, we are all ready for the next phase.
      The challenges we face are too numerous to list right here;
      But we know as Americans with our heads held high, we face them with good cheer.

      With the spirit of Christmas upon us today; it’s important for us all to say;
      Let the Past Be The Past; and enter the New Year, with hope for a brighter future, and so, let us pray.
      And it’s with universal American joy, as we welcome in our new President, and bring in the New Year;
      We say goodbye to 2008, and face our destiny, together without any fear.

    25. When out on the lawn arose such a chatter
      Could it be Santa or a new president elect
      Would it be presents or new hope for the future
      would it be gift wrapped or a speech that offered hope
      Ill go for the latter as money is scarce
      No clothes for the children, no food for their mouths

      We live half a world away and the effects can be felt
      Our dollar was equal but its tripled since then
      my job was secure till they gave me the sack
      I drove a company car now I walk there and back
      The fuel for my car is double my rent
      Instead of three bedrooms we survive in a tent

      I guess this is just the domino effect
      When the leader goes down, we all fall down
      First goes America, the Brits and the Turks
      in 3 easy months we will all hit the deck

      No more worries about money or world poverty
      the cure for cancer, the green house effect,
      world global warming, death and disease
      gang warfare, child molestation and the war in Iraq
      unemployment, housing crisis and the state of the nation
      Non of this will matter when no one is standing

      but Xmas has come with spending in the billions
      new shining Ipods, french champagne and roast dinners
      The shops will all close and families will gather
      well pretend its about Santa and Jesus but not world consumerism
      we will stay in denial and spend our last dollar
      on tinsel, and gifts and we will thank god
      and tomorrow we'll wake up to a world in a mess

      Happy Hanukkah to you wherever you live
      Merry Xmas, ho ho and lots of good cheer
      For today is a new day and that offers hope

      The new year is coming so hold up your glass
      Lets celebrate and enjoy while it still lasts

    26. cont'd from above:

      It’s Christmas good friend so shine your love light!

      And now that a tear may fall from your face at the lovely few words that just took place,
      Oh Randy Oh Randy how could you so tease,
      One hour will do, you'll LOVE it you'll see.

    27. And now that a tear may fall from your face at the lovely few words that just took place,
      Oh Randy Oh Randy how could you so tease,
      One hour will do, you’ll LOVE it you’ll see.

    28. Randy, if I win prize "C", I'll have to check with Grace first. Anyhoo, here's my entry.......

      When out on the lawn, there arose such a ruckus,
      I sprang from my bed! "Has insanity struck us?"

      The herd was rioting, screeching and crying
      As if their entitlement dreams were all dying!

      Now Sarah! Now Johnny! Now 'Bama! Now Biden!
      Can anyone say where Ron Paul is hidin'?

      I started to worry, to scowl and to fret,
      "Am I doomed to a life of perpetual debt?

      "Is this horrible mess without a solution?
      Is there anyone here to cause revolution?

      I know! I need the Prosperity Sage ---
      The one, the only, the inimitable Gage!

      He won't have fallen into a state of depression
      He probably chooses to ignore the recession."

      And what to my hopeful eyes should appear,
      but a Viper loaded with Prosperity Gear.

      With a sprightly young driver, so handsome and tan,
      I knew in a moment it must be The Man.

      He'll show me how I can rewrite my memes,
      And that will restore my Prosperity Dreams.

      His eyes, how they twinkled. But his manner was serious.
      "I have the answer! But you --- are you curious?

      "I'm writing a 'festo that'll cause you to think!
      Only that can pull you back from the brink.

      "So I'm off to Key West to type up The Word.
      (What I'm writing is for your eyes, not for the herd!)"

      And with that, he peeled off like a bat out of Hades,
      Looking for fun (but not with the ladies).

      And I heard him proclaim as he flew like a kite:
      "Wealth and riches to all, and to all a Dream Bright!"

      Wishing you the Happiest of Holidays, and a most prosperous New Year!
      -- jim

    29. Hey Jim-
      We met at the Thanksgiving ballgame in Ft Laud . I just have to say your version has me cracking up!!! Well done.
      Jeanne

    30. From my octogenarian grandma:

      When out on the lawn arose a halabalu
      We truly didn' know what to do.
      A shocking sight for all of our clan
      Was the Monsterous President of Iran!
      Ranting and raving in his usual way
      "Get rid of the Jews and Gentiles and Israel today
      The U.S. is our enemy and has to go
      There is no Christmas, cause I said so !"

    31. His Holiness Randy Gage:

      Given the extraordinary brilliance your loyal and faithful flock has shown in the area of creative ranting it is my recommendation that you amend all your prizes to showcase a much higher level of prosperity consciousness commiserate with your wise teachings:

      1.) $100,000. to be divided equally among all the members of your flock gutsy enough to contribute a holiday mega-rant to your blog.

      2.) The heck with the VIPER SRT...the winner should get your black on black pimped out BENTLEY MOTORCAR...you've had a great year with AGEL so you can order another one... better yet why not get a Bugatti Veyron...by far the most expensive street legal car available on the market today...cost $1.2 million...now that is prosperity on wheels!

      3.) Steamy sex (and join the mile high club) with you on-board Emirates Airlines in one of their first-class suites while traveling to Dubai where you will provide all expense paid weekend at the Jumerirah Beach Hotel where you and the lucky winner will work side-by-side (in and out of bed) and take long walks on the beach pondering the next million dollar idea.

      4.) Honorable mention? Now that not playing fair and very Scrooge like. Anyone who can help you finish your holiday rant is certainly worthy of receiving far greater riches and publicity. I think you should pay for them to have their very own blog custom designed by your buddy Ford, so that they too may feel the power and influence of ranting on the internet.

      Merry Christmas to all and to all a prosperous New Year!

      Rant on bro, rant on,
      FAME GUY

    32. when again out on the lawn, arose such a racket,
      I decided to go down to great last year's fagget.
      I knew that he would not come down the chimney, in ashes and soot.
      Because of his big fat ass, I knew he was not going to go by the book.

      But when the door opened, no one could have believed
      That the big red blob from last year had receeded
      Instead of finding the fast food restaurant raider
      I was looking at a divinely body, even better

      "Saint Nick," I exclaimed "What happened to you?"
      "This ain't something that came out of the blue"
      "You must have worked out and went on a diet"
      "and I am sure that people didn't stay quiet"

      "How come I didn't hear about your new style and shape"
      "From the news or the pavorati, this couldn't escape"

      Saint nick said, "Well after visiting you last year I decided,
      that my life had to change, so network marketing I started.
      I joined a company that had nutritional supplements,
      And followed their system without any comments".

      "I listen to tapes from great teachers, you see,
      and learned all the tricks that there might be.
      And now, I am doing this one year thing,
      Just for the fun it, just for a fling.

      "And I would even add that I stopped smoking,"
      Saint Nick said, with a smile that seemed provoking.
      I said,"Oh, no buster, even if you slimmed down,"
      "I ain't interested in being your clown"

      But I'll say this without hesitation,
      You really deserve some gratification.
      Which proves to say that anybody can do it,
      If you find your why and put your heart to it.

      After talking to Saint Nick for this short phase,
      I finally agreed that I had again been amazed.
      As I watched the new person climb aboard his sleigh,
      And putting a CD of Jim Rohn, if you may.

      I had this idea of teaming up with the queer,
      but only so that I can send everyone next year,
      My personnal greetings and salutations
      and my plan to change all nations.

      So that everyone can get a piece of this great big piece of pie
      and I really mean it, for I can't lie
      That everyone deserves to be happy and rich
      Wouldn't that be great, wouldn't that be a switch.

      I wish you all a holiday filled with good friends, happy reunions, and
      stimulating consversations - and a happy new year filled with hope and highest
      good. And find peace in your earth, because this is were it begins, and soon
      after that, peace on earth will follow.

      Carole Boudreau
      Petit Rocher Nord, NB Canada

      P.S.: I didn't understand why I should send my picture to get the viper. I do believe you
      ment it for "C" a night of hot steamy sex with you. And there again, I see myself declining
      since I have already that commodity with someone else. Honorable mention in the next blog
      is ok, but I am aiming for the 100,000$ in cash..... who wouldn't.... hahaha.

    33. Thank you, Jeanne! I tried to work a softball reference into the poem, but everything I came up with was so suggestive, I was afraid that Santa would consider me "naughty" and not bring me any presents. I didn't want to take the chance. Happy Holidays!! -- jim

    34. Hi,
      I always reading your blog and Rant´s, but never comment, now is different, your followers are really funny. Their comments made my day, ha,ha,ha,ha,.

      This sentence what the best: “I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!…”

      Good sense of humor.

      Feliz Navidad y prospero año nuevo para todos

    35. When on the rose lawn there arose such a clatter
      Ol W work up to see what was the matter
      And there to his wondering eyes did appear
      110,000,000 americans who woke up from their fear

      It's too late he excamined, as he noded in glee
      Me and the neo-cons have trimumphed you see
      the middle class worker, professional and mom
      have all been down graded and sent to the poor farm

      and the jolly ol elf in his mindless ol way
      laid out a bushism in his truly bush way
      It started w/ Ronnie and ended with me
      we made the rich richer and redefined Greed

      Oh you demo-o-crates won but there ain't nothing left
      we took more than ALL and burned up the rest
      you won't get no heathcare, or education u see
      but you will get to travel to Iraq and for free

      and so all american's who stood on the lawn
      lost all of their confidence and became all withdrawn
      the economy tanked there was no money left
      and the rich all stopped spending and cried depression instead

      As the country decended into long bitter night
      ol W exclaimined and was partially right
      You all stood around and you sat on you hands
      so to all a merry christmas and good luck to your man! (obama)

    36. “I will NOT have sex with you in your Viper for $100,000 and then have you blog about it!…”

      Hey, all the writings are great, but this one takes the cake!!! loves it!!!!

    37. Hi Randy!

      I don't know if this qualifies but I want to share with you my Twas The Night....adaptation specifically for Online Network Marketers... I wrote it on Dec. 24, '09....here goes:

      "Twas The Night Before Christmas...for Network Marketers"
      (by Emma Tiebens)

      Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
      Not a creature was stirring, except my computer’s mouse.
      News of recession has prompted me to care ,
      For people in the network marketing industry hurting everywhere.

      The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
      How to reach out to many kept dancing in my head.
      As my family snored, I donned my thinking cap,
      Wouldn’t even consider for a moment to take a winter’s nap.

      When into my Inbox arose such a clatter,
      Propped myself on the bed to see what was the matter.
      Invitations to connect came in like a flash,
      I honestly thought my computer would crash!

      I didn’t even notice the fresh-fallen snow
      Was so busy sending lots of “hello”
      To new and unexpected leads which appeared,
      Out of nowhere, from people both new and endeared.

      My God-given brain started processing quick,
      So many strategies out there, which one should I pick?
      Everyone claims theirs is the best.
      I need to know what really works that stands above the rest!!

      In the past I’ve toyed with the leads that you buy,
      With hopes that they’d bring me my pie in the sky.
      So daily I called at least one hundred and two,
      Spoke with ten, but the rest I couldn’t get through.

      "Now Dillard! Now, Belcher! Now, Reese and now Kern!
      On, Ceballos! On, Fong! On Yaghi and Bell!
      Worked together to change the course of us all
      By sharing their “secrets” they helped us not to fall!

      And then, in a twinkling, I’m no longer aloof
      As how to be magnetic is far from fool proof
      There are hurdles to overcome to turn things around
      Good thing we have access to leaders who abound.

      I mustered my strength and stepped out with one foot,
      Web 2.0 and capture pages, new knowledge took root.
      Though I got some responses, I was taken aback,
      My page wasn’t converting, a skill I definitely lacked.

      Someone did tell me that blogging would carry,
      The weight of generating organic leads in a hurry!
      Signed up for WordPress my first article I sowed,
      Not really understanding how everything flowed.

      Then the social media craze made me clench my teeth,
      Wrote updates and comments as often as I breathe.
      With My Space, Twitter, Facebook, I put down the telly ,
      But source info and split testing were a tad hard to tally!

      Through all these I realized how vital is oneself,
      In giving without want, being of service and of help
      Inspiring, encouraging on what lies ahead
      Soon gave me the courage I had nothing to dread.

      With mentors I was blessed with I went straight to work,
      Focused on one or two strategies that brought the most perk.
      Identifying true divine purpose helped overcome my woes
      From having no following, my numbers arose!

      I jumped on the wagon then gave the team a whistle,
      And while things are uncertain, my confidence has settled.
      Now more than ever on this very special night,
      "Happy Christmas to all…let’s put up a good fight!"

      (an adaptation from Twas A Night Before Christmas A Poem by Clement Clarke Moore)

    38. This follows on from your first section:

      When out on the lawn, arose such a crash
      T’was Hillary Clinton dressed in her best sash
      “I should have been President” she plaintively cried
      Shortly Bill arrived at her side

      “She should have been President“, he quickly agreed
      “So that all our friends in jail can be freed
      But at least she’s Secretary and has a good post
      Plus a new crop of interns,” he leered with a boast.

      Then Barack Obama flew in with a swish
      Humbly obeying the country’s wish
      “It’s an uphill climb,” he mournfully said
      “The dollar is worthless and the economy’s dead”

      First I have to deal with Iraq
      And bring those young men of ours rapidly back
      Then there’s healthcare, unemployment and corruption
      What I have to do may cause some disruption

      But Biden soon arrived by his side
      With his whitest teeth and his grin so wide
      “Don’t worry, we’ll make it,” he said with a grin
      “We’ll all work together on this and win

      Tis a new day a’dawning for all of good cheer
      With hope for the future and an end to fear.”
      And so they turned and flew off out of sight
      Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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