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Relationships

Posted By: Randy GageFebruary 10, 2009

I was comparing notes the other day with a friend who just ended a roller coaster relationship.   I suggested that we do a joint relationship seminar together.

I will do the morning session on how to run away from relationships at the first sign of any trouble (a/k/a fear of intimacy).  Then he can do the afternoon session on how to ignore all the warning signs and stay in a rocky relationship long after you should have run away (a/k/a as co-dependency).  Then at the end of the seminar, we just tell people to don’t do what we each did, but find a happy medium!

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what the market demand for that seminar is.  So here’s your food for thought:

Which relationship seminar would YOU be teaching?

-RG

28 comments on “Relationships”

  1. A seminar that teaches people how to LISTEN as well as communicate.. This is probably the single biggest issue I've encountered.. Most of the time the person who is supposedly listening is so busy thinking of a reply, he/she usually fails to miss the point being made.

    As Stephen Covey says in "7 Habits.." and I quote, "Seek FIRST to understand.. THEN to be understood".. My 2.5 cents.

  2. LOL Randy, I thought about this many times.

    I have been burned in business a few times when not acting upon a problem immediately when spotting it, i.e. firing a dishonest employee, getting rid of a dad-beat partner etc.

    Unfortunately running away at "first sign of any trouble" is easier said than done. Yet I agree we have to continue to be tougher on it, because the later in the relationship you split, the harder and more costly it is.

    keep posting RG, thanks

    -Lou

  3. I would probably do a breakout session on perfecting complacency - not engaged enough for co-dependancy; not not engaged enough to validate too much intimacy. Snack provided - milk toast

  4. I would be teaching one based upon this concept;
    Am I being the 'way' I want you to be - Am I winning in my life?
    I believe all external relationships are a reflection of our conscious and unconscious relationship with our-selves. It has taken me many years to figure this out for myself, it might be true for others too - great blog, always thought provoking, thanks Geoffrey

  5. This is going to sound weird, but I haven't ever really had a terrible issue with my relationships.

    I actually liken this to money- in that for some people, they've never had an issue with money, and yet to others it seems like a great unsolvable mystery.

    I'm not going to say that I haven't had ups and downs, and had my heart broken, and broken hearts and all of that, but I've never been where I was "gonna DIE", y'know?

    When I hear people say "There are no men/women for me", it sounds like the most ridiculous thing.

    There are SO MANY people to have a romantic relationship with!

    Again, I hear that people with an abundance mentality think that way about money when they hear others say "I can't make any money".

    I am actually trying to find the beliefs I have about relationships, and liken them to money, to straighten create better beliefs about money.

    I'm glad you wrote about this Randy, because I was wondering about whether or not you had an abundance mentality about it.

    I LOVE my wife an amazing amount, and would go to pieces if I lost her, but I don't think she's the ONLY person for me in the slightest. I feel like I meet people all the time who I could have a relationship with-

    And just about everyone who meets her would marry her in an instant!

    I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I had been thinking about this a lot lately. Even considered a book on it. Maybe I just started it!

    And OF COURSE, I wrote:

    http://CaptainKirksGuideToWomen.com

  6. Relationships? I do not get along with most people, hence I have no relationship issues. What is all the hubbub about?

  7. You were typing this Stateside, as I was talking about herre with friend. Co-winky-dink or what!

    Maybe you can label them and I'll just share a description 🙂

    1. Go for guys who never live their potential- so I can supprt, challenge and moticate them to transforming their lives

    2. Have lusciously loving long distance relationships - where both of us don't want anything more (thus preventing anyone from ever really getting close or any difficulties coming up). And when we do get together i'm diffcult, demanding, needy, frustratingly too much.

    3. Having relationships that have a time line - like we agree to a set amount of time we'll be together (like 5 months before one of us leaves the country - like a layover relationship).

    4. Being celibate for over 5 years all together of my adult life (except for the 2 blow jobs that I felt I was spirituality guided to give for the other guys well being - I'm nice like that!).

    Does this mean I have the worst of BOTH of you? Jeesh!

  8. This looks like it is a tough one for everyone....
    I believe that we should be guided by those that excel in this subject at a very young age, and we should not get into a serious relationship before 35 years old. (we need to experiment).
    Most of the time, the reason why a relationship doesn't work is possibly all our fault. I went through a very nasty divorce and then I met the person that I knew I wanted to live with for the rest of my life, just to find out that he is starting to do the same annoying behaviors that my ex-husband had. (Do you see what partern we weave). Now, at 50, and with all the books I read, I am able to say that I created that, and that I am letting this happen to me.
    If I should attend a seminar or if I should give one on relationship I would go for one titlled "What am I doing wrong to get into these bad relationship?" and/or "What do I need to do to change the cycle?" and/or "What can I do to save this relationship, if it is worth saving?"
    If you cannot find happiness in what you have now, there is always this saying: "Be happy with what you have while you pursue what you want", in all possible ways you can.
    Carole

  9. From this day forward I am going to lead my life this way.....I am going to make friends to make friends, not to get business. If I make friends to get business..I will lose them as fast as I made them.....

  10. What I'm fascinated by is the imprinting and reimprinting/co-creating/developing new awesome patterns that serve and give us the best...

    For awareness, where did each of these patterns/seminar issues come from? Root them out and letting them go.

    Then how do they affect us, in nuanced ways today...

    and

    How do we reimprint ourselves to only access true, real, wondrous, sexy, delicioius Love that's wild, passionate, perfect and glorious?

    🙂

    Fun and games ha?

  11. What a hoot ... read through all the posts and had several belly laughs!

    I'm 62. For me, only reason to be in any relationship is to practice who I want to be. Hard to find someone who also wants to do that! In the meantime, I'm the happiest single, solitary person I know. Lucky for me I did have one fabulously passionate lover ... got a good dose and now I live off the joyful memories. Generally speaking, there's too much drama for me. I just try to keep it simple and I keep my antenna up in case another person who also lives genuinely by their own rules just happens to stroll by. Anything is possible if you stay happy.
    Catherine

  12. Hi Randy,

    I think you should present both of them and then have a presenter on how to have a good realtionship. I agree with the ones that say communication is the key to a good and long term relationship. I have been married for 42 years to the most wonderful man and yes we've had our rough times, but communication and by that I mean really talking and listening to each other has helped us through and we will have many more years yet and things will not always be smooth but hey who cares as long as we still talk and listen to each other. So I say go for the seminar but include all sides.

    Love and Light
    Colleen The Crystal Dragon

  13. Hey Randy-
    I think there would be a great market just for the entertainment of such a seminar.

    The relationship seminar I would (thankfully) be teaching is... how to clearly identify what you want in the first place so you can know early on if the person is a fit or not. This one thing eliminates both scenarios above.

    From there I could teach... how to have a deeply loving, compassionate, respectful, intimate, fun and sexy relationship throughout lifes twists and turns and up and downs.

    In April, Will and I will be married 18 years and we are happier and closer now then ever. He makes me laugh ALOT, gets more handsome and sexier as he gets older and let's me be completely myself. And for me, it is wonderful to be adored by someone who is not emotionally needy (most of the time) and who I know won't walk out.

    Will and I could be the follow up to the comedy routine of you and your friend. Let me know if either of you would like a bit of private tutoring:)!
    Jeanne

  14. Hi Randy

    There's another option: how to make sure that you choose the right life partner and make it work together.

    In my men only workshops "Angels Prefer Gentlemen" and in the women only Be the Woman... Course and Online Community this is a core theme.

    So I see this as a three session workshop, you, your friend and me. How cool would that be!

    with love, blessings, gratitude

  15. Randy

    To answer your question in short form, I would be teaching the seminar on co-dependency. To answer your question in long form, here’s some background. 15 months ago I had a 6 year marriage, (14 year relationship), end by more or less mutual agreement and a year after that I left a very rocky, dysfunctional but extremely passionate 5 month relationship. Since the second one really rocked my world, (read broke my heart), I've taken to examining the situation. I've just started reading a book called 'Are You The One For Me?' by Barbara De Angelis and she has some exercises in there that would be great content for a seminar on relationships. One of the exercises I found useful was writing down the negative qualities of all of my significant others', (in my case only 2), and then finding the common theme to identify what I'm repeatedly attracting. Because there were some strong elements that only applied to one guy or the other, I decided to include them as well. The next step involved writing my true 'want ad' - the one I'm subconsciously projecting, not the cute and pretty one that you post on dating web sites that goes something like 'looking for romantic, confident, and fun-loving guy.....'. Just for everyone's amusement, I thought I'd share my 'want ad' here. The exercise was a bit difficult to do but the final result amused me to no end.

    Here goes... 'I’m looking for an immature, irresponsible, rebellious and self-absorbed guy who can’t be depended on to do anything. Chronic disorganization and untidiness are definite pluses. Like making lots of excuses? Not a problem, I’ll let you get away with it every time. Light drinkers, romantics or those with a good sex drive need not apply. Do you like relationships that make you feel like you’re on a constant rollercoaster? I’m looking for someone to make me feel miserable. If you can’t talk about your feelings and you’re looking for somebody to love you no matter how unavailable you are, then I’m the girl for you. Call me any time, day or night, I’ll be waiting for your call.'

    The part I'm up to at the moment talks about childhood events that impact the way we view intimate relationship or associate with love and that we subsequently repeat in our own relationships.

    Great book and in the absence of your seminar Randy, I'll keep plugging away with the exercises in that book.

    Carmen

  16. I dont think there is a happy medium, that always gives me a feeling of being only half alive. But staying in an abusive, co dependant relationship would mean that I was dead in all areas bar the fact that I was still just about able to breathe. My seminar would be to first love yourself, then to know what loving another entails...I would ask how can a man love a woman when he doesnt understand how a woman feels...and how can a woman love a man when she is obsessed by what she feels. Then I would tell them all to go out and buy Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho., read it..and go live their lives with passion and compassion.......
    Have a great day....with love Angie

  17. Comment by Elly
    2009-02-10 15:37:37

    The Jumping on His Bones before I get to really know him one.
    -------
    Bob: Say, Elly . . . how would you like to go out for some Chinese?

    🙂

  18. I wondered about this most of the day after reading it...."I will do the morning session on how to run away from relationships at the first sign of any trouble (a/k/a fear of intimacy). "

    What does "fear of intimacy" really mean? It sounds like a catch phrase like when people say they are "afraid of failure" or "afraid of success". It's usually more specific then that ie. fear of being ridiculed, abandonded, looking stupid, not fitting in, finding out your unloveable, unworthy etc etc

    I guess what I am wondering is ....What are you REALLY afraid of? Figuring that out is the first step to breaking the pattern.
    Jeanne

  19. I wrote a long post, but it got deleted....

    In short, I said that I've never really had a bad relationship thing, and that I think it came from an "Abundance mentality" belief system about relationships.

    I love my wife a ridiculous amount, but in no way do I think she's the ONLY one for me, or something like that. There are SOOO many people on this Earth!

    So, the seminar I would teach- and HAVE taught is:

    "Captain Kirk's Guide To Women- How To Romance Any Woman In The Galaxy"

  20. I believe testimonials show people more than talk. I make a concious decision to invest in the type of people that I would like to be like. I observe how they friend. I listen to their language, I ask them what sort of friends they would like to have.

    I spent the last year becoming rich in relationships by investing in the right individuals. The evidence showed itself when I recently had a friend who suffered a great tragedy. Not only was I a good friend to them but my friends, who didn't even know this person, stepped up to assist these people in their time of emotional need.

    How amazing is that? What an excellent return on my investment.

  21. I've probably been able to teach both Randy's and his friends at one point or another in my life....

    the class i'd like to teach now is "how to tell the difference" (i.e., when to run and when to stick it out)

    🙂

    Louli

  22. Fascinating to see the responses...how much do we reveal by declaring what is it that we want to learn/to teach?

    Most of the advice around relationships has to do with:
    how can you escape with your life after making this terrible mistake of getting involved with a sociopath/loser/passive-aggressive/angry/depressed/heavily medicated partner?

    To do so, we need to transform the formed beloved into a monster that will subdue. ensnare, abuse and attack his female partner. No transition, no in-the-job-training for the guy: one day he is the enemy and we need to run for shelter.

    What kind of training can we offer her? only how to run faster? The dice is cast and there is no in between; we must escape from the abusive man and find a new lover with whom begin the cycle again, (seduction/engagement/abuse, etc) so we can complain of our victimhood again.

    My training would be on how to open up the "in between" and frame these interactions in a new light:

    what are you looking for in a partner?

    why what you look for is sick and you need to put up, receive and appreciate exactly the opposite of what you say you like (we know where it takes you, so...)

    what is it that both partners need to learn by selecting each other?

    why are they choosing each other? which qualities are required either to replay the original drama ad nauseam or to have a different script? Do we really learn? can we learn to be happier?

    and the last, creative step: can we re-write the script, accept the other's idiosyncrasies with patience and love before they become criminal tendencies and negotiate better with each other?

    Yes, it ends up teaching negotiating skills. As Louili says:

    the class i’d like to teach now is “how to tell the difference” (i.e., when to run and when to stick it out)..

    I would like to teach how "to negotiate and create the difference" so there is one more chance for the reciprocal learning to happen....

    Both have a contract in another level to find each other and share time together in order to teach a vital lesson to the other.

    Let's learn through pain and toil, this lesson...what is our life purpose, if it is not learning?

    http://www.creativeconflicts.com

  23. The market for relationship seminars are twofold. Singles and how to find the lifetime soul mate is one hot area. The other is couples in trouble. We hade over 200 couples in a marriage enrichment seminar and because it was held at a local church many of the couples who attended were there because they were guilty of putting the fun back into dysfunctional. The church environment was not conducive for complete open and honest communication because it is hard for church people to admit that they just might be struggling and having family problems. Unfortunately many of the couples have already mastered the ignore all the warning signs and stay in a rocky relationship long after you should have run away (a/k/a as co-dependency). This is a big part of working with the singles and premarital couples. Helping them see the warning signs if they are there and not making the mistake of getting married for all the wrong reasons.
    Those that are already married can need alot of help if they have lived in a marriage for years in quite desperation or sometimes its just helping the couple get back on track because a relationship over time is either growing closer and have a higher level of initimacy or they are growing further apart. A marriage cannot stay stagnant or maintain the status quo over time. We were just discussing today how bad our family relationships have gotten evidenced by all the TV shows that pander to the lack and limitation programming as well as the high level of personal mistrust and even paranoia prevalent in alot of our family relationships today.

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  • 28 comments on “Relationships”

    1. A seminar that teaches people how to LISTEN as well as communicate.. This is probably the single biggest issue I've encountered.. Most of the time the person who is supposedly listening is so busy thinking of a reply, he/she usually fails to miss the point being made.

      As Stephen Covey says in "7 Habits.." and I quote, "Seek FIRST to understand.. THEN to be understood".. My 2.5 cents.

    2. LOL Randy, I thought about this many times.

      I have been burned in business a few times when not acting upon a problem immediately when spotting it, i.e. firing a dishonest employee, getting rid of a dad-beat partner etc.

      Unfortunately running away at "first sign of any trouble" is easier said than done. Yet I agree we have to continue to be tougher on it, because the later in the relationship you split, the harder and more costly it is.

      keep posting RG, thanks

      -Lou

    3. I would probably do a breakout session on perfecting complacency - not engaged enough for co-dependancy; not not engaged enough to validate too much intimacy. Snack provided - milk toast

    4. I would be teaching one based upon this concept;
      Am I being the 'way' I want you to be - Am I winning in my life?
      I believe all external relationships are a reflection of our conscious and unconscious relationship with our-selves. It has taken me many years to figure this out for myself, it might be true for others too - great blog, always thought provoking, thanks Geoffrey

    5. This is going to sound weird, but I haven't ever really had a terrible issue with my relationships.

      I actually liken this to money- in that for some people, they've never had an issue with money, and yet to others it seems like a great unsolvable mystery.

      I'm not going to say that I haven't had ups and downs, and had my heart broken, and broken hearts and all of that, but I've never been where I was "gonna DIE", y'know?

      When I hear people say "There are no men/women for me", it sounds like the most ridiculous thing.

      There are SO MANY people to have a romantic relationship with!

      Again, I hear that people with an abundance mentality think that way about money when they hear others say "I can't make any money".

      I am actually trying to find the beliefs I have about relationships, and liken them to money, to straighten create better beliefs about money.

      I'm glad you wrote about this Randy, because I was wondering about whether or not you had an abundance mentality about it.

      I LOVE my wife an amazing amount, and would go to pieces if I lost her, but I don't think she's the ONLY person for me in the slightest. I feel like I meet people all the time who I could have a relationship with-

      And just about everyone who meets her would marry her in an instant!

      I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I had been thinking about this a lot lately. Even considered a book on it. Maybe I just started it!

      And OF COURSE, I wrote:

      http://CaptainKirksGuideToWomen.com

    6. Relationships? I do not get along with most people, hence I have no relationship issues. What is all the hubbub about?

    7. You were typing this Stateside, as I was talking about herre with friend. Co-winky-dink or what!

      Maybe you can label them and I'll just share a description 🙂

      1. Go for guys who never live their potential- so I can supprt, challenge and moticate them to transforming their lives

      2. Have lusciously loving long distance relationships - where both of us don't want anything more (thus preventing anyone from ever really getting close or any difficulties coming up). And when we do get together i'm diffcult, demanding, needy, frustratingly too much.

      3. Having relationships that have a time line - like we agree to a set amount of time we'll be together (like 5 months before one of us leaves the country - like a layover relationship).

      4. Being celibate for over 5 years all together of my adult life (except for the 2 blow jobs that I felt I was spirituality guided to give for the other guys well being - I'm nice like that!).

      Does this mean I have the worst of BOTH of you? Jeesh!

    8. This looks like it is a tough one for everyone....
      I believe that we should be guided by those that excel in this subject at a very young age, and we should not get into a serious relationship before 35 years old. (we need to experiment).
      Most of the time, the reason why a relationship doesn't work is possibly all our fault. I went through a very nasty divorce and then I met the person that I knew I wanted to live with for the rest of my life, just to find out that he is starting to do the same annoying behaviors that my ex-husband had. (Do you see what partern we weave). Now, at 50, and with all the books I read, I am able to say that I created that, and that I am letting this happen to me.
      If I should attend a seminar or if I should give one on relationship I would go for one titlled "What am I doing wrong to get into these bad relationship?" and/or "What do I need to do to change the cycle?" and/or "What can I do to save this relationship, if it is worth saving?"
      If you cannot find happiness in what you have now, there is always this saying: "Be happy with what you have while you pursue what you want", in all possible ways you can.
      Carole

    9. From this day forward I am going to lead my life this way.....I am going to make friends to make friends, not to get business. If I make friends to get business..I will lose them as fast as I made them.....

    10. What I'm fascinated by is the imprinting and reimprinting/co-creating/developing new awesome patterns that serve and give us the best...

      For awareness, where did each of these patterns/seminar issues come from? Root them out and letting them go.

      Then how do they affect us, in nuanced ways today...

      and

      How do we reimprint ourselves to only access true, real, wondrous, sexy, delicioius Love that's wild, passionate, perfect and glorious?

      🙂

      Fun and games ha?

    11. What a hoot ... read through all the posts and had several belly laughs!

      I'm 62. For me, only reason to be in any relationship is to practice who I want to be. Hard to find someone who also wants to do that! In the meantime, I'm the happiest single, solitary person I know. Lucky for me I did have one fabulously passionate lover ... got a good dose and now I live off the joyful memories. Generally speaking, there's too much drama for me. I just try to keep it simple and I keep my antenna up in case another person who also lives genuinely by their own rules just happens to stroll by. Anything is possible if you stay happy.
      Catherine

    12. Hi Randy,

      I think you should present both of them and then have a presenter on how to have a good realtionship. I agree with the ones that say communication is the key to a good and long term relationship. I have been married for 42 years to the most wonderful man and yes we've had our rough times, but communication and by that I mean really talking and listening to each other has helped us through and we will have many more years yet and things will not always be smooth but hey who cares as long as we still talk and listen to each other. So I say go for the seminar but include all sides.

      Love and Light
      Colleen The Crystal Dragon

    13. Hey Randy-
      I think there would be a great market just for the entertainment of such a seminar.

      The relationship seminar I would (thankfully) be teaching is... how to clearly identify what you want in the first place so you can know early on if the person is a fit or not. This one thing eliminates both scenarios above.

      From there I could teach... how to have a deeply loving, compassionate, respectful, intimate, fun and sexy relationship throughout lifes twists and turns and up and downs.

      In April, Will and I will be married 18 years and we are happier and closer now then ever. He makes me laugh ALOT, gets more handsome and sexier as he gets older and let's me be completely myself. And for me, it is wonderful to be adored by someone who is not emotionally needy (most of the time) and who I know won't walk out.

      Will and I could be the follow up to the comedy routine of you and your friend. Let me know if either of you would like a bit of private tutoring:)!
      Jeanne

    14. Hi Randy

      There's another option: how to make sure that you choose the right life partner and make it work together.

      In my men only workshops "Angels Prefer Gentlemen" and in the women only Be the Woman... Course and Online Community this is a core theme.

      So I see this as a three session workshop, you, your friend and me. How cool would that be!

      with love, blessings, gratitude

    15. Randy

      To answer your question in short form, I would be teaching the seminar on co-dependency. To answer your question in long form, here’s some background. 15 months ago I had a 6 year marriage, (14 year relationship), end by more or less mutual agreement and a year after that I left a very rocky, dysfunctional but extremely passionate 5 month relationship. Since the second one really rocked my world, (read broke my heart), I've taken to examining the situation. I've just started reading a book called 'Are You The One For Me?' by Barbara De Angelis and she has some exercises in there that would be great content for a seminar on relationships. One of the exercises I found useful was writing down the negative qualities of all of my significant others', (in my case only 2), and then finding the common theme to identify what I'm repeatedly attracting. Because there were some strong elements that only applied to one guy or the other, I decided to include them as well. The next step involved writing my true 'want ad' - the one I'm subconsciously projecting, not the cute and pretty one that you post on dating web sites that goes something like 'looking for romantic, confident, and fun-loving guy.....'. Just for everyone's amusement, I thought I'd share my 'want ad' here. The exercise was a bit difficult to do but the final result amused me to no end.

      Here goes... 'I’m looking for an immature, irresponsible, rebellious and self-absorbed guy who can’t be depended on to do anything. Chronic disorganization and untidiness are definite pluses. Like making lots of excuses? Not a problem, I’ll let you get away with it every time. Light drinkers, romantics or those with a good sex drive need not apply. Do you like relationships that make you feel like you’re on a constant rollercoaster? I’m looking for someone to make me feel miserable. If you can’t talk about your feelings and you’re looking for somebody to love you no matter how unavailable you are, then I’m the girl for you. Call me any time, day or night, I’ll be waiting for your call.'

      The part I'm up to at the moment talks about childhood events that impact the way we view intimate relationship or associate with love and that we subsequently repeat in our own relationships.

      Great book and in the absence of your seminar Randy, I'll keep plugging away with the exercises in that book.

      Carmen

    16. I dont think there is a happy medium, that always gives me a feeling of being only half alive. But staying in an abusive, co dependant relationship would mean that I was dead in all areas bar the fact that I was still just about able to breathe. My seminar would be to first love yourself, then to know what loving another entails...I would ask how can a man love a woman when he doesnt understand how a woman feels...and how can a woman love a man when she is obsessed by what she feels. Then I would tell them all to go out and buy Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho., read it..and go live their lives with passion and compassion.......
      Have a great day....with love Angie

    17. Comment by Elly
      2009-02-10 15:37:37

      The Jumping on His Bones before I get to really know him one.
      -------
      Bob: Say, Elly . . . how would you like to go out for some Chinese?

      🙂

    18. I wondered about this most of the day after reading it...."I will do the morning session on how to run away from relationships at the first sign of any trouble (a/k/a fear of intimacy). "

      What does "fear of intimacy" really mean? It sounds like a catch phrase like when people say they are "afraid of failure" or "afraid of success". It's usually more specific then that ie. fear of being ridiculed, abandonded, looking stupid, not fitting in, finding out your unloveable, unworthy etc etc

      I guess what I am wondering is ....What are you REALLY afraid of? Figuring that out is the first step to breaking the pattern.
      Jeanne

    19. I wrote a long post, but it got deleted....

      In short, I said that I've never really had a bad relationship thing, and that I think it came from an "Abundance mentality" belief system about relationships.

      I love my wife a ridiculous amount, but in no way do I think she's the ONLY one for me, or something like that. There are SOOO many people on this Earth!

      So, the seminar I would teach- and HAVE taught is:

      "Captain Kirk's Guide To Women- How To Romance Any Woman In The Galaxy"

    20. I believe testimonials show people more than talk. I make a concious decision to invest in the type of people that I would like to be like. I observe how they friend. I listen to their language, I ask them what sort of friends they would like to have.

      I spent the last year becoming rich in relationships by investing in the right individuals. The evidence showed itself when I recently had a friend who suffered a great tragedy. Not only was I a good friend to them but my friends, who didn't even know this person, stepped up to assist these people in their time of emotional need.

      How amazing is that? What an excellent return on my investment.

    21. I've probably been able to teach both Randy's and his friends at one point or another in my life....

      the class i'd like to teach now is "how to tell the difference" (i.e., when to run and when to stick it out)

      🙂

      Louli

    22. Fascinating to see the responses...how much do we reveal by declaring what is it that we want to learn/to teach?

      Most of the advice around relationships has to do with:
      how can you escape with your life after making this terrible mistake of getting involved with a sociopath/loser/passive-aggressive/angry/depressed/heavily medicated partner?

      To do so, we need to transform the formed beloved into a monster that will subdue. ensnare, abuse and attack his female partner. No transition, no in-the-job-training for the guy: one day he is the enemy and we need to run for shelter.

      What kind of training can we offer her? only how to run faster? The dice is cast and there is no in between; we must escape from the abusive man and find a new lover with whom begin the cycle again, (seduction/engagement/abuse, etc) so we can complain of our victimhood again.

      My training would be on how to open up the "in between" and frame these interactions in a new light:

      what are you looking for in a partner?

      why what you look for is sick and you need to put up, receive and appreciate exactly the opposite of what you say you like (we know where it takes you, so...)

      what is it that both partners need to learn by selecting each other?

      why are they choosing each other? which qualities are required either to replay the original drama ad nauseam or to have a different script? Do we really learn? can we learn to be happier?

      and the last, creative step: can we re-write the script, accept the other's idiosyncrasies with patience and love before they become criminal tendencies and negotiate better with each other?

      Yes, it ends up teaching negotiating skills. As Louili says:

      the class i’d like to teach now is “how to tell the difference” (i.e., when to run and when to stick it out)..

      I would like to teach how "to negotiate and create the difference" so there is one more chance for the reciprocal learning to happen....

      Both have a contract in another level to find each other and share time together in order to teach a vital lesson to the other.

      Let's learn through pain and toil, this lesson...what is our life purpose, if it is not learning?

      http://www.creativeconflicts.com

    23. The market for relationship seminars are twofold. Singles and how to find the lifetime soul mate is one hot area. The other is couples in trouble. We hade over 200 couples in a marriage enrichment seminar and because it was held at a local church many of the couples who attended were there because they were guilty of putting the fun back into dysfunctional. The church environment was not conducive for complete open and honest communication because it is hard for church people to admit that they just might be struggling and having family problems. Unfortunately many of the couples have already mastered the ignore all the warning signs and stay in a rocky relationship long after you should have run away (a/k/a as co-dependency). This is a big part of working with the singles and premarital couples. Helping them see the warning signs if they are there and not making the mistake of getting married for all the wrong reasons.
      Those that are already married can need alot of help if they have lived in a marriage for years in quite desperation or sometimes its just helping the couple get back on track because a relationship over time is either growing closer and have a higher level of initimacy or they are growing further apart. A marriage cannot stay stagnant or maintain the status quo over time. We were just discussing today how bad our family relationships have gotten evidenced by all the TV shows that pander to the lack and limitation programming as well as the high level of personal mistrust and even paranoia prevalent in alot of our family relationships today.

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