One of my dear friends called me for advice on how to handle her mother who was dying of cancer. My advice was simple: Let her die.
Of course that sounds hurtful, negative and heartless. But it wasn’t really any of those things. It was the only response I could suggest, to help my friend maintain her own mental health. I suggested she hire a hospice worker to be with her mother at the end. But to not visit her.
Because my friend was the victim of incest by her father. And when she repeatedly went to her mother about it, her mother first denied it, then suggested she was bringing it on herself. The mother has spent the past 40 years trying to guilt her, playing rackets, and mentally abusing her.
I could write a couple book chapters on the other negative and dysfunctional abuse she has heaped on her family, but prefer to leave it alone. The point is, this woman was so toxic and harmful to the people around her, some of them (like my friend), needed to completely remove her from their lives.
This is not about forgiveness. I helped my friend work through that already and she has forgiven her mom. But that doesn’t mean she could be around her any longer. She couldn’t. It was simply too detrimental to her mental health to do so.
One of the most chilling realizations you can come to, is that you have someone in your life that is so toxic and/or abusive, you need to completely remove them from your life. But remove them you must. Because your mental health, happiness, or even your life may depend on it.
In the case of abuse, there really are dangers to your life. Abusers left unchecked often get progressively more dangerous and violent. And they are experts at manipulating their victims and leading them to believe it is their own fault. If you're not sure, here is a list of warning signs of abuse. If you feel physically threatened, please seek immediate professional help. Here is a guide on how to find help from domestic violence. Check out this site or http://www.thehotline.org/
No one has the right to mentally or physically abuse you, or ruin your life. No one.
It doesn’t matter if they are your spouse, family friend, person in authority, or blood relative. When you have someone that you believe doesn’t really want the highest good for you, you need to reduce your exposure to them. If they continue to try and tear you down, remove them from your life completely. And if you feel you are in any danger, get professional help immediately.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you do feel threatened, please don’t post that below in the comments. Your website viewing may be being monitored. Please seek professional help.
Hopefully you’re not facing physical harm or abuse. If you are, you’re beyond my ability to help you and need to seek out the authorities and mental health professionals. So I’ll say no more on that. But I would like to restate that there may be people in your life that don’t pose a physical threat, but they are extremely dangerous to your mental health, harmony, and prosperity.
They are soul-crushers. Soul-crushers have given up on their dreams, and they’re left with nothing but pettiness, bitterness and misery. They spend their lives attacking, ridiculing, and sabotaging anyone they see who is on the path of prosperity. They simply won't stop until they crush your soul. Because if you become successful, prosperous and happy, you take away all of they excuses.
Life is way too short to allow soul-crushers into yours. Don’t stay in dysfunctional relationships.
Maybe your religion teaches you that you must stay in a threatening relationship no matter what is happening to you. That’s simply cult-level, brainwashing bullshit.
Maybe you believe because someone is your blood relative you must accept whatever they throw at you. That’s more craziness. (And they will attempt to use you guilt against you to hold you down further.) There really are situations where it is appropriate, even necessary, for you to completely remove someone (even a family member), from your life forever.
You are human. And you are born with the inherent birthright of endeavoring to live a life of prosperity. Don’t ever let anyone steal that from you.
You know the life you fantasize about when you stare out the window? Live that life!
Wao...first, thanks for sharing something that is very close to you. Second, I know this because a dear friend of mine went through this with a boss and I told that if she didm't quito her job and look for help, this could be worse. She quito her job and is working with a professional. Thank you for bring up the red alerts and the mental awareness to act.
Thanks to save me from negative people around me . thank Randy
Excellent post. Thanks, Rabdy
Where would be the best place for soul crushers to hide/ disguise themselves?
We think of other people, but do we look at ourselves and what is crushing our souls? life? liberty? happiness? equality?
The best thing we can do for ourselves and everyone in the world is to believe we ALL are created equal anf in the light. If we learned inequality & hate, we can relearn equality & love.
My teen who is 15 is an absolute soul-crusher. He complains about me night and day, says I have ruined his life and his social life- I'm actually completely un involved in his social life. His friends are all at school and he talks to them online/on his phone. I try to suggest other hobbies he might consider aside from electronics to add balance or offered to pay for him to take video game design classes for teens locally. He tells me to leave him alone and go away. He insults me constantly and my cooking, tells me he will tell the school I abuse him when I do not- he does this when he is mad, or threatens to kill himself- I've taken him to the hospital but because of him also having an ASD diagnosis they don't admit to psyche. I was told he would nearly have to kill himself or one of us to be admitted to psych, so no help there. If he is out of control with behaviors he gets loss of electronics privileges or fun activities or a few extra chores to do. I told him- go ahead, make my day. They will call CPS to find out you are lying because there is no proof, or remove you out of my care into a foster home and then you will experience a life of very hard knocks. But perhaps that is how he has to learn in life- learning the very hard way like some have to.
If I knock on his door to give him his meds or tell him it's time to eat he yells at me to leave him alone. He openly tells me in front of friends and family he hates me and doesn't have to listen to me and will do whatever he wants- I don't put up with that behavior. Even worse is that his younger brother has picked up on the behavior and now they both treat me horribly and I do not tolerate it. I do so much for these kids and have gotten my angry teen in therapies and on meds and everything else.
I likely will have my teen move out of the home when he turns 18 and go to a group home situation. Since he is mostly verbally abusive I don't see a need to move him out sooner, unless things get uglier, of course. Sad it has come to this. I have three more years of verbal and emotional abuse to endure now..