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Why Would You Choose Being a Victim?

Posted By: Randy GageOctober 31, 2009

So what does it take to really let go of victim-hood?   I did some prosperity coaching with a lady who has been through childhood abuse, dysfunctional relationships, business failures, health issues, and just about every other challenge you could imagine.  

She regales you with all her stories of drama and trauma and thinks she is healed of everything.  But she just can’t figure out why she is broke.

I think it’s because she’s a professional victim…

Now she recites the names of all the self-development books she has read, the workshops she has attended, and the work she has done as evidence that she is finished with the victim stuff.  But of course she isn’t, or she wouldn’t still be struggling financially.

So why would remaining a victim still be important to her on some subconscious level?  Or why would YOU want to remain a victim?

Give it some thought and we’ll pick up there tomorrow.

-RG

50 comments on “Why Would You Choose Being a Victim?”

  1. Victimhood gives us an excuse for when we don't succeed. I we take out the element of element of victim, than we have no one to blame but ourselves...and that's too much pressure for a lot of people. Having something else to blame is so very much easier; it's more comfortable to say "this didn't happen because of (......)" than to say "this didn't happen because I simply didn't/wouldn't/couldn't (......)".

    The thing to watch out for is when we allow ourselves to be victims of "good things" that can get in our way; it's just as crippling as being victimized by the obvious "bad things".

    Blessings and peace,
    Michele

  2. Well after losing a couple of business during this downturn, well- meaning family and friends have encouraged being a victim. They assured me that I was not the only one and it was not my fault. It was the economy, where I lived, etc., etc. It almost seems natural for most people to fall into that trap. I know that I allowed myself to do so. It was easy and everyone was supportive in my efforts.

    I can not wait till tomorrow to read more. I am just now scratching and clawing my way back after two years of doom and gloom living. Thanks

  3. Michelle makes a good point about "both" sides of the coin...as some people have a fear of failure and never try; and others have a fear of success and never try either - both are cousins of victimhood!

    I have heard that there are different levels of competency or awareness...The Unconscious Impcompetent (the one who does not know that they do not know), The Conscious Imcompetent (the one who knows that they do not know-real good victimhood at this level), The Conscious Competent (the one who knows that they know) and The Unconscious Competent (the one who does not know that they know). All people (IMHO) have issues, things to work on...but some people don't usually talk about those things UNLESS they are offering a solution or are trying something new; others relish in the "story".

    In my own life, I've had some real excusable shit happen, and I used that for a long time to be a F%& up. One day that completely changed...The Day My Life Turned Around-as Jim Rohn says. It has been a long process, but I am still courting the victim in me...I love that guy, he gets so much sympathy and attention. I have always had financial struggles, and my current "perp" who I blame is my wife...she is high maintenance, and she loves to spend money. I have all kinds of financial issues...but here is the bizarre part (and I've posted about this here before in other discussions, because I am starting to take responsibility for this in my life) - I make what some would consider a high income, we live in a large house, we drive luxury cars, our kids everything you can imagine - alot of people who know us, consider us successful (on the outside). BUUUTTTT, I have approximately $3K in the bank and basically no valuable assets (that aren't in hock)...WTF!!!!! It's totally ridiculous!

    But see, I have my perp - the wife who spends all of my money...isn't that convenient. I get a lot of sympathy from friends and family about the "evil doer" with our money...BULLSHIT! It's me. I don't know why yet - guess I am the Unconscious Imcompetent with the dough in my life. I will keep looking for the solution and I will find it.

    So, Randy...What DOES it take to really let go of victimhood? What say you?

  4. Interesting topic.... as Randy mentioned being in victim mode subsconsciously manifests issues such as health issues, financial issues, staying broke, dysfunctional reltaionships and etc..

    It just does not make sense rationally why we would manifest these dysfunctional issues.... Maybe deep down these are worthy issues where we subconsciously believe we are not worthy of great things.....

    I am going through some of these issues now... consciously.. I want great things such as financial success, great relaitonships and etc.... but it just seems once I am close to having these great things... something bad seems to happen where it does not happen.... very frustrating... I know some will say I am manifesting these issues subconsiously......

    The question is how do I break out of this pattern? I very much want to break out of this pattern and let go...

  5. Is it fair to say that she's a victim if she's working hard on correcting the areas of her life she wants changed?

    I don't care how prosperous you are, there are things we are all trying to work on in our lives, and being called a victim doesn't seem to help much.

    If this woman has been to a lot of seminars, and reads a lot, and is doing coaching with Randy, maybe we can look to see where these things are failing her rather than the other way around.

    Randy- if your business has been affected by the eco

  6. This post comes at a great time!!! I think that I am the Conscious Imcompetent and it's frustrating!! I can so relate to the lady in the post and the readers above, and yet why comes to mind. I think that if I'm so good at creating this crap and victimhood, I should be great at creating success, abundance health etc but what is the block..........I am so ready to break through and YES I mean it. I am learning and choosing to accept responsibility for EVERYTHING in my life no matter how crappy it is and even the good.

    I've had enough of victim hood, so I am so looking forward to the next post and any insights.
    How good can I stand it, my level has been set way too low!!
    Thanks Randy

  7. My 18 year old son is being kicked out of our house tomorrow. He was given notice about 2 months ago. One of the only few requirements in order to stay, was for him to find a job and pay $75 rent. About a week ago, he started looking - to no avail. I am a single mother and have raised him by myself. This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. But my son is stuck in this mentality that he is a victim. It's always everyone else fault. He overdrew his account by spending money he did not have - so he blames the bank. He cannot find a job - he blames the fact that he doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a car - he blames me or his father for not buying him one. He didn't graduate school - he blames the crappy school system that he just didn't believe in (he's a straight A student, but when you don't do homework and don't do class work, you can easily fail - which he did for 2 years). He has always blamed not getting into a school or not getting play time in sports or not winning golf games because of his bad luck. In fact, he would rather not try something that he likes, because he already knows that his "bad luck" will prevent him from achieving it.

    I've tried to tell him that practicing more positive thoughts about the outcome of a situation or choosing to think another way (as opposed to negatively), might prove to give him different results, but he shuts that suggestion down.

    I'm at my wits end. He has abused the living situation and I cannot support or enable him any longer. I pray that he figure out (sooner rather than later) that he must take control of his life and that he can't continue to blame others.

    As a parent, we never know if the difficult decision we have made will actually be that catalyst for change, but we can hope.

    ~L

  8. It may be an over simplification, others will no doubt comment, but in simple terms it seems to me that we are prisoners of our thinking and it is our pattern of thought that decides our actions.
    And our actions create the results.

    Jim Rohn has the advice "For things to change we have to change"

    We can hear and read this advice a thousand times but still not get it

    I have no idea what brings the changes to our thinking other than to persevere.

    Part of the problem it seems is created by ourselves because we listen to so many incredible people. People that have been, gone, and done it. We think wow, this is great, pick up another book, wow this is great and another and another......!

    Many is the time that we get bogged down with the "How's" instead of the "Why's" in our business and as a result keep attracting and creating challenges. Challenges that we think are created by others but are by and large are creations stemming from our own thinking.

    Your book Randy, "Why You're Dumb, Sick and Broke" deals with this so very well. But the problem is one reading of it creates the wow factor but after reading it the world's dark forces so very easily creep in and submerge the "Wow". So it has to be read and read and read.

    In a sense it is like going to church, a visit once a week will not bring the changes in our thinking. There is no magic pill! To come to know Christ or any other spiritual leader takes work, listening, reading, discussing and serving. To be a successful footballer needs vision and practice, practice, practice.

    To help us thread our way through life and save us from the pitfalls like the lady you mention, we need to model ourselves on the person who we most love and admire and in modeling ourselves project our mind and attitude to be like that person from now, this very minute.

    I may say Randy, that you fit that role very well and your contribution is well worth listening to and FOLLOWING.

    Hope I haven't rambled too much.

  9. I can relate to the books I've read and the workshops I've attended as evidence that I've cleared out victimhood, but the evidence of my life says otherwise. Sure, some things have changed, but by and large my life is the same. I must say I can't quite relate to getting sympathy from others because I do my best to keep my mouth shut about the things that aren't quite working out in my life because I know that it perpetuates it by adding negative reinforcement. But what I do realise is that victimhood does allow me to live an average life without guilt instead of creating and living the wonderful ideas that I have running around in my head. I think that victimhood also makes sure that I don't see the opportunities that are probably all around me that would allow me to fulfill those dreams and change my life for the better.

  10. I'm recovering from a similar mindset, so boy does this sound familiar! I'd read the books, listened to the tapes, attended the seminars - and was still manifesting crap in different areas of my life.

    I was so convinced of how tough I was, of how I'd survived so much and could still think positively, of how I was capable of taking on anything........I defined myself as resilient, strong, a heroine. And then I was surprised when the universe threw more stuff for me to overcome - DOH!

    Now, I embrace my vulnerability. I define myself by what I do today, not what I have done in the past. I've let go of the attention I used to get from others for being "a survivor", and now I find I am welcomed for being me.

    I never thought of myself as a "victim", I thought I was a heroine. Only when I realised they were both one and the same did my life start to turn around.

  11. Why would someone want to be a victim? Hmm, some thoughts:

    There's a saying, "What is reinforced is repeated." So pick your favorite "meme"- they are pervasive.

    Complaining (whining with no working toward a solution) is addictive. I've "been there" & am recovering from that. I'm keeping my mouth closed and releasing complaining thoughts... I'm making progress.

    Jeffrey Combs of Golden Mastermind asks an insightful question: "How would success contradict your struggle?" Hmmm....

    T Harv Eker writes about "potential"in his book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. He suggests that people are scared to give something their best shot because if they don't accomplish their goal, then the story of "I have great potential" is demolished.
    I think victimhood has a strong root in this phenomenon.

    October 2009 Oprah Magazine has an article titled "What's Wrong with This Picture?"....introduces the concept of "designated issues", which are the problems we focus on in the attempt to avoid the deeper issues. Could "money problems" be a "designated issue"?

    As always, thank you Randy for an insightful discussion and assistance in growing a prosperous mindset. You are an MLM Rock Star, especially this weekend!

  12. The woman you mentioned above is getting something from being the victim. We all do.

    We all are getting something from the situatons we put ourselves into and realities we create.

    I have a friend who constantly complains about her husband. I told her, 'when you are finished dancing that dance, and you stop getting something from this dynamic, you will leave him.'

    Some do, some don't.

    I know, I stayed in my marriage far longer than I 'wanted' to, and when I did finally leave and recover, I was able to see what I was getting from the relationship.

    It served my story that I had been working on and cementing in my brain for years.

    With beliefs, we have the subconscious belief, or conditioning.

    That belief actually creates and looks for examples to support it's story. It's how that belief continues, and as I've mentioned, even after we bring that core belief to light it will fight for it's life.

    If this woman above has tried numerous programs and is still having problems, it's time to look at the common denominator. The self.

    Blessed Hallowe'en, everyone...

    Jhanna Dawson

    Jhanna Dawson

  13. That's a pretty tough situation to be in; hard to tell what the right choice is.

    How old is he? If he's 15, you might be overdoing it, but if he's 40, you may be too late!

    Someone callous might say that you sound like you're being a victim to the situation with your son and you raised him, so it's all your fault anyway. Someone else would say you've tried everything, kick him out and be done with the loser.

    I guess it comes down to WHO you want to be in this situation less than what you want to DO. It sounds like you really want to support him becoming self-reliant, but you don't want to abandon him either.

    I wouldn't take advice from someone without kids (I don't have any) about WHAT to do here.

    - How is this situation hilarious to you?

    - When you're on your deathbed, how do you want to see yourself in this situation?

    I'd love to know what comes of it, and how anyone here can help. I hope I was helpful without being directional.

  14. Generalising a bit but the example above of the 18 year old with victimhood challenges I see as a generational issue.

    We live in the "Blame Culture" as evidenced by ambulance chasing lawyers etc and all those adverts on TV "no win, no fee" when we've slipped on the ice and broken a finger - well let's sue the person who owned the river - you get the idea I'm sure. Instead of saying - well I chose to walk that way when maybe I should have kept to the path.

    As a 59 year old I was brought up to be master of my own fate to a much greater degree than the current young ones and we didn't have the media throwing all sorts of garbage at us or the Health & Safety Culture. Witness an article in the paper this weeks saying that pupils at a certain school had been instructed to wear safety goggles when playing conkers! Heck life's a bit risky and how BORING it would be with no risk! Too any people have STOPPED LIVING and daren't take a risk and No Risk = No Reward!

    I believe that where we are in life is EXACTLY where we've chosen to be - NO ifs and buts - I AM RESPONSIBLE!

    Robert

  15. I think to dismiss and cut off that victim voice is not all right... there needs to be a way to channel it and use it healthily... to fashion and grow the soul to contain more depth...

    There must be a more integral way than simply represisng/denying/suppressing... which hurts us in other ways - whether it be recurring heart failure, stomach problems, etc... I think if you repress rather than face it it gets displaced and comes out in other cancerous ways. The question fo me is always - how can I use that energy to create something from it, and add more value. Yet wants hinders me most is action. Or right action and not enough of it!

    How do you do this AND make money. Cos it takes time, energy, love, vitality, humour...

    I've been reading a lot of Pualo Coelho's biography - it's out mid November in the states.

    He emailed to tell me to get it to read about the drugs, sex, and rock! Though it goes into his parents institutinlising him for being rebelious and not coming home on time, and not beign a good scholar. He was a useless student. Had many faily marriages and affairs... He got tortured by governemnt police... etc etc

    THough what he held strong and true - even in the worst times was this "I want to be the author of the century" Though he wrote plays, songs, columns, magazines... all he wanted to be was a fiction author. Though he did have a lot of money cos he wrote the lyrics of many many songs.... Though his victim feelings got channelled into that. He had many homes... and was good and frugal with money to make things work.

    While he may have been a victim - and boy did he have a lot going on - from asthma, psorisis, anxiety, panic, insecurities... He used all of this to write about in his books. He chanelled his devastation and process his frustration through his work.

    He was only 40 when he started to write. What it took was tremendous support - especially from his 4th and final wife who has been there for him for about 30 years.. It took her belief, but more than that it took he forcing him too. He just coud not settle down to do iit. And even now when he says: "oh my how can I cope with all this." She says: "you can do it, you wanted it!"

    As I read him I can so see myself. The challenges, frustrations - having this deep fundamnetal vision/belief that I would do iit - make it big... and yet the impact of his childhood did fundamentally affect him. He had a lot to overcome to break through his resistance/avoidance/distrations and inabiity t get down to it. He did a 3/4 month pilgramage - a strong spiritual journey - to connect more deeply with his soul.... I look forwward to reading more of how be broke through and started taking action...

    His mother said clearly and frequently: "you will never make it as an author"

    Wasn't she wrong! His book the Alchemist (about his inner journey of break through) has been translated into 67 language... winner of many awards.

    He's sold more than 150 million books. Thats a lot! And he STILL feels like a victim, still feels lonely, still yearns for more love, still has funny ticks and a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder... Yet is a beautiful loving fun man who makes a big difference in peoples lives. He still allows that victim space to breath and to work its magic in creating. Like he asks a weekly question on his blog... one week was "every week, even every day I feel lonely. When do you feel that moment of loneiness and how is it for you?"

    How can we allow tht victim spce and give it the love it needs so that it doesn't come out in other ways, while still forging forward?

    Thanks beloved Randy! I so adore and appreciate you! xox

  16. Thanks Natalie for this- I agree that we can USE that voice for something; It never feels quite right to me repress and squash inner feelings that come up.

    I often come out of something after I've simmered in it for a while.

  17. So why would remaining a victim still be important to her on some subconscious level? Or why would YOU want to remain a victim?
    There might a way of getting attention and love. She might not feel that she deserves to be wealthy and she is still punishment herself by feeling guilty for something that was out of her control.

  18. From my standpoint , I would give to main reason for why a person would stick to pattern of behaviour of a victim.
    For some people it is quite convenient to act in a ''victim'' fashion. Such people burden themselves with illusionary , self-invented porblems breeded by their destructive thougths. This type of victims either does it consciously with an intention to cause regret in other person's mind and thus satisfy victim's inner desires to attract attention and to be nourished in victim's wrongful beliefs of life being unfair and hard to him/her. The focal characteristic of this sort of victim - intentional or unconscious (due to lack of appropriate knowledge) inability to take full responsibility for life. I was in this position some while ago and ,hence ,know how it is.
    Or the other type of victims are stuck in their positions due to subconscious programming which they have undergone during their life stages. Thereby , this particular type of suffering individuals does not fully ( most probably) realize the root of their problem . Well, Randy , you are an expert in this particular part of the topic 🙂

    Thanks !

    Andrej.

  19. The best reason? It's easy to be a victim. The ego uses the idea of being a victim as an excuse for failure. If bad things happen to me, it's someone or soemthing else's fault. I can't have caused it. No matter how miserable the person, they'll stay that way, because it's easy. It's easier to carry hell than to release it and live in heaven, these people think.

    This post has some relevance in my life as far as its timing. Just last night someone egged my home and shattered a window. It's a shocking thing to be woken up at 3 AM with the sound of glass shattering. Trust me First I was scared. After a few minutes my mind went to, "Why me?" Then I released that feeling and went to anger, wanting to wait outside with a baseball bat for the punks who did this. All emotions arose, passed, and after about a half hour I took full responsibility for it. I attracted it, how I don't know, but it happened, so I attracted it. I felt free when I came to this realization.

    It's interesting to note that I felt like a victim right after my initial feeling of fear went away. As in.."I am a really positive guy, I am nice to most people I meet, I smile, I try to help all, why the hell do I get egged? Why?" Because, as Bob Proctor would say, I am responsible for my life, for my feelings, and for every result I get.

    The quicker you can accept the idea that you are never a victim the more free you will be.

  20. Victmizing onself and pointing the blame to the other person is a power game.It is to bring down the powerful person through injecting the sense of guilt to that personIn such a way, the other party is trapped and cannot be free again.Why? the harm is done in the past.So by blaming the other party we have control on the other person morality.However, by doing this-liking oneself to the other party, life is passing by and living the victim behind.The result, the victim is more hurt, more angry and more righteousness.
    Victim=companionship
    Clear=Aloness

    A. Maroun

  21. Victim = attention, excuses, pitty

    I had played the victim role for 30 years, I am 31 now. After one really drunken all nighter, gettig into the subject of my past and crying uncontrolably for probably 6 hours. The next day I woke up, I mean I really woke up. I had realized what I had been doing to myself. I had been allowing my life to be ruled by things I had had no control over as a child. And I needed to stop allowing this and take back control and start living the life I wantd to live. The person that I was, the victim, was not who I really wanted to be, that was not my True Self.

    This all came about after talking with a very special someone previous to this drunken night. The one person that I truely trusted. He had given me a book and made me promise to read it. He went on telling me how his whole life had changed becaues of this person (the person who wrote the book). He had given me hope for myself. Though I did begin to read the book I did not make it very far. I actually just finished it about 3 weeks ago. And he had given me the book before Christmas last year.

    Point being, we all need positive reenforcemet in our lives and he is mine. But, we must want and believe that we can let go of the victim.

    What it takes for people to let go of being a victim is different for everyone. Most it would seem will never let it go because that is all they know and are probably surrounded by many other victms and they all feed off of each other.

    I believe strongly that what it would take for people to let go is to have someone in their life that could make them realize what they are doing to themselves. To intoduce a new way of thinking through talking, reading, and writing. To help them understand who they really are inside. Without some type of guidance I feel that most victims will stay that way throughout thier life.

  22. I would define this as holding on to victim situations and discussing them with the people around you to troll for sympathy and validation. More on the next post...

    -RG

  23. I think some people cling on to victimhood in connection with the childhood they never had in some strange hope that they will find it in the attention they hope to receive from their sad stories.

    Randy I would like to ask you is it ever too late for some people or is it never too late? Thanks..
    love Angie xx

  24. Ah hem!!!
    I reckon that I coud probably guess a little here 🙂 Being rather uncanningly like your lady - and having been a therapist and coach to victims who'd been abused, neglected, in poverty areas, drug dealers etc....

    I would think a victim mentality is a mindset that things happen to them that are beyond their control and they have no possibility or potential to get out of it.

    They are stuck, and caught by the trap of life being unfair, harsh, and that it is agaisnt them and will not come right.

    A victim does no try to understand the dynamics, learn from them or look at ways to overcome them.

    A victim is not grateful for what's happened, but resents her experience and keeps the world away is case she gets hurt again.

    A victim wallows in self pity.

    The payoff for being in this mentality - is:

    1. Not doing anything - (because what would be the point anyway)

    2. Being excused from being a success ( cos her life was so hard - she couldn't help it)

    3.Other people caring, and reaching out - giving them the chance to rescue her (so they feel like the hero, and thus like her in victim role)

    4. Staying small, avoiding breaking through the fears and comfort zones

    5. Life feeling certain, secure and comfortable - no risks, or changes - life feels safe

    HOw does a victim get over it?

    In The Power of Ted, the shift is from Victim to Creator.

    The challenge with most victims is they are programmed to see that life will not work out... So they don't believe it. And also have not been taught how - (in my case) - they may have been taught how to look after others (and not care for themselves, and then over extend themselves fo others, and not know how to put themselves out there - and derail themselves thru seeing someone else to care for!!!), or been told they will never succeed and always be a failure.

    So what helps?

    From reading about various actors and the millionaires... I see it took learning new skills, TREMENDOUS WILL POWER, strong belief in the dream, external resources, and a strong network and suppport group.

    Especially when not knowing how to shift things or do them differently. With your lovely lady - the abuse, failures, relationship crap, harsh upbringing etc have been programmed so fundamentaility that the blocks are physiologically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually kept in that position....

    And that it would take others around her - like it did with Paulo Coelho - to pull her out with massive support, determination and not letting her hide slink back, or retreat into her fears. Paulo Coelho frequently says that his wife was his guardian angel, and he doubt if he could ever have broken through his childhood anxiety, depression, PTSD, and fears of failure without her consistent and gentle and strong presence and encouragement. She took a lot from him - and she realised that it was because he wasn't living his dream... and managed not to take it personally but stand by him being his believer.

    Why did he let her in to be able to help him when he'd had 3 other wives, and EVERYONE knew his intent? My only guess is that she understood him, and felt deeply into him. There's a book "Help and Human Relations" written in the 60's... It researched people who had been helpers wh were low functioning and those who were high functioning successful helpers and why they had created sustainable positive results. The research showed that in each case the helper FIRST empathised, showed they understood, and cared. Then they co-create ideas... and in sme cases could offer advice and it be received and acted on without the victim being defensive. HAving been hurt so much and been so violated by peopl who love them; the victim is unable to let people in, or able to trust others. It takes connecting deeply, building hope that things can and will be different. They are so over-sensiticed and triggered and go back into anxiety and get flooded in pain that it takes a lot of patience, and genuine care as well as courage to stand firm and strong in being there.

    Glorious joy... xox

  25. One more thought and then enough from me 🙂

    Randy you are that prosperity coach... and

    One could be financialy amazing, yet feel a victim when it comes to relationships - "I always get DONE for!" or "I always pick a crazy wild wife who takes everything from me and gives me nothing. And makes me unhappy so I work harder."

    One could be spiritually strong and beautifully in service, yet physically be ugly and tormented by the pain and think "God doesn't give me the time to care for my appearance, I just have to serve cos there are so many people tht need my help."

    Or one could be financially in ruins, yet have beautiful deep, fun real, connecting friendships and a safe job tht brings on joy - and you could blame it on the market, the recession and that you want to work that job cos it gives you more hours at home.

    You could be amazing creatively and be addicted to drugs for the stimulation.... etc

    I think the victim mentality will always be there in some shape or form... and if the maxim "what we resist persists" is true...

    Then how can I/we not resist it, but find a way to work wth it, include it, create from it, and not make it wrong so it gets stronger and kills our energy?

    How can we utilize its forces - which obviously are an amzing pool of energy, if we coud harness and work with it...

    Thanks gorgeous Dude.

  26. Going back to the piece by Lynn and her 'serving notice' on her 18 year old. I can't help thinking that this is very harsh. If he's a not too mature 18 year old you could say that he's still a child.

    Maybe he needs more nurture, more examples, more coaching, more coaxing and also more space. Christ I remember being that age and it takes a while to suss out the world and learn to play the game.

    In fact I'm still learning over 20 years later! I'd say give him a chance; after all, being told you're a vicitm over and over won't help. Putting a child out of the house could send him on a downward spiral. I sympathise with your difficulties but at 18, a person doesn't necessarily have perfect judgement and logic.

    Am I the only one on here that thinks he should be cut a bit of slack? Best of luck with it all.

  27. A lot of words, sometimes not easy to catch the main things... But speaking about victimhood, nobody says that our surrounding is exceptionally important...our family, friends, colleges and so on... as for me, i guess i feel myself less victimized when i get rid of all negative surroundings.... family and friends... just stay away from people who are victims, play victims and like to be victims..... i prefer to stay alone and work on myself, than to be always under influence of these people... though some of them are really close...

    and i also believe that the process "Stop being a victim" is a quite long process, where you have to work day by day on it, without long brakes, as many people become victims from their childhood. they have done the same things for many thousand times, that it became a habit and now its not so easy to get rid of this condition, their stereotyped behaviors and become new person with new habits and believes......

    Randy, thanks for the inspiring posts and thanks for being so positive.

  28. Getting out of old habits is easier said than done. My thought: she still doesn't believe she's worth anything. Her self perception is a difficult hurdle to get over.

    People who don't suffer from self esteem problems find it difficult to deal with those who do.

    Others can't change her, she's got that job all by her lonesome. When she gets tired of being mentally sick and tired, she'll clear that hurdle -- just watch.

  29. I don't know if that's harsh.

    I moved out at 18 and went to University.

    Had to work doing statistics for a company while doing full time university.

    I often only got 5 hours sleep a night. I didn't drink/do drugs. Just had to work harder than the folks that hd the money. It was a great time - taught me how much I could do if I was focused. And I look back and still think there are many of those things that were ineffective and I could have had better skills in. It was fun times.

    If he's been warned then I think it's fair. If he hasn't beent aught how to manage money, and how to care for himself and then gets kicked out - then that's HIGHLY unfair. He needs to be learn to look for opportunities, act on them and do well... If she's taught him those, and there's no mental disabilities/learnng difficulties then it may just be the threat/action he needs.

    I wouldn't suppress the emotional needs/pain of it tho - ensure he feels loved... and supported in the shift...

    He defiantely needs a mentor or someone that believes in him to encourage and wake hiim up to his gifts, so he can feele excited and not have the fears he does now...

    And I don't know - cos I don't know the lad... Maybe he needs a dose of Randys "Why you're dumb, broke, and Stupid" or of Larry Winget "Shut Up Stop WHining and Get a Life" or "You're broke because you want to be"

    Good luck!

  30. I can completely relate to both Randy's experience with the woman still enveloped in victim hood (myself) and the parent with a struggling child (also myself). I believe the answers are also the questions we should be asking ourselves. Is this serving me? What is my "Why", is it big enough to bring change? What is the worst thing that could happen if I do this? What is the best thing that could happen? What small adjustments in my course could I make to change the direction of my life?
    Write these things down. Look at them daily. Put one foot in front of the other and just start in the desired direction. Trust in the Divine to guide you and know that if you fall down, you can get up and try again. The future has never looked so bright.

  31. Excellent! I just realized that so many people know and
    understand this "victim, story, excuse" thing that I'm more
    motivated than ever to quit it! I don't like the idea of someone
    around me thinking 'you choose your life situation' and then
    turning around and going away without saying anything because
    why should they? As far as they know you're stuck! Also, to succeed
    they AND you must hang around focussed A players. The only way
    to accomplish that level of success...
    is to BE it, otherwise those responsible A's will go away. You'll be left
    to wallow in your victim story.
    In my opinion this blogpost is a 'breakthrough post' because so
    many people sharing and believing the same productive thing helps
    to change your belief permanently. Thank you all, Phil

  32. Victim!!! That is what I have been for years. I had a father who was very stern & believed in the lash so much that I got it almost everyday. My father was born and raised in what we called the Jim Crow south, South Carolina to be exact in 1931 under a father that was born just a few years after the emancipation proclamation. Its interesting that we talk about victimization, what someone did to me or didn't give me. Well I'm one of the those victims too! I know that my grandfather and great-grandfather were definitely physical victims as were many of my family members back in those days, not to mention some of the things that I saw my father endure when I was a child that were clearly rascist. When I look back on my own situation and what I endured as me and my older siblings integrated a white schools in the 60's, it used to bring tears to my eyes how adults could treat children so harshly because they were of a different race. My parents tried to convince us to stick to our studies, but it was hard, as my teacher often slapped and pinched the black students, or called them names, often degrading us in front of the white students. On top of that, they'd send home reports stating that we were unruly only to face a drill seargent for a father. Eventually, things changed in the schools as more blacks integrated into the school systems, however not before a mark was left on my psyche. I becamed a victim both as school and at home. In Ohio in the 60's and part of the 70's the school system still practiced corporal punishment, and I received my fair share, and some. I wasn't a saint, just a kid trying to survive the torturers at school, and the torment at home.

    Yes, I am becoming a victim a little bit more each and everyday as I realize that there are no guaranteed meals, but that one is responsible for oneself. When we accept that its okay to make mistakes from time to time, and accept responsibility for, them we'll be okay!

    I won't mention the industry that I work in, but I have never heard so many victims in my life! I had a father that didn't accept victimization even if it was happening right in front of him, and I served in the military, and they didn't accept it either. Then I land a job where I listen to victims all day long whining about why they can't pay their bills because they blew their money on something else! And yes, they want me to be sympathetic toward their situation, which I find very hard, but my company requires that I put on a mask and pretend that I'm really concerned. I can't do it, and I won't!!! I couldn't do it and sleep at night. I show empathy, but in certain situations where a person is trying to work me, nothing is happening. As far as the victim goes, the more I am true to myself and others, the better I'll be, and vitimization will fall off.

    The woman who had the 18 year old, I am not offering advise, but I will say that I was out of the house at 17. I graduated early, told my father I was joining the military, and shipped out the day after graduation, and I haven't looked back! I can say that as a man, your son does need guidance, but not from just anyone, and my belief is that he needs to hear it from a man that he can trust to help guide him. To help him understand that he is absolutely responsible for whatever predicament he finds himself in, reason being, when he finds himself in any of these problems, unless he accepts full responsibility for them, he can't fix them. If you believe someone else is responsible, then you give that person the power to correct the situation, and not yourself. They do it in their time, and under their conditions. On the other hand, when a person takes responsibility for their problems, then they themselves call the shots! At some point you must let go of holding your son's hand so that he can find his metal. I have two sons that I admire because I did the same with them, and as long as I held their hands so to speak, they did nothing, and everyone else was as fault for everything that didn't work in their lives. The eldest is now a campus police at a prestigious university in Washington DC, and working on his degree, not to mention a good role model, and the other in acrew cheif in the USAF and stationed in Okinawa Japan, and working on his degree. Both have stopped the blame game, and are very good to bounce ideas off from time to time. Keep your head up mom!

  33. First, Randy slap me in font my face. When I first read this blog, I can't sleep without thinking. I self searched why I am still dumb and sick after a lot of reading. 4 years from now, I encountered prosperity lessons. At that time frame I experienced ups and downs. That woman in the post is like my life, I am still broke and Y? It is because it is siren of satisfaction? it is because my negative belief is cemented to me or fears of success or fears of failures?
    I come to realize I am surrounded by the people who are negative. I come to believe I did not change the places, the people in my life, the action that I took and the thinking that I had. I felt it is tough to change. It is a breakthrough if I change.
    Enough..I recognized the evil in me..When I think past failures, pains, feel anxiety, history of my family, I am not entertaining these in my thoughts instead I am focusing to the activities that I needed to change my life into better.

  34. First, RG is it tomorrow yet?
    Okay. For the woman with the 18yr. old. A lot of children(adults) at that age go off to college, others have jobs and are productive citizens assisting their families with emotional and material support.

    So what's his excuse. I have children, now adults and I can speak about this. At eighteen she had a choice, college, job or move out. She did the latter. The other one was sixteen and choose to live with her father. I had rules, boundaries. Now the oldest has her master in ed. and will soon have it bus. The younger is into med. assist.

    So, with that said, all the best for you and your son.

  35. I think my victimhood boils down to a worthiness issue. Case in point. Just this weekend my European boyfriend and I spent our last night together, (I'm going back home down under). He booked a 4-star hotel for us before I got there to meet him and he said it was a lousy hotel and checked out. He then asked me if I wanted to go to another hotel or stay in my relative's spare apartment, which I happen to know does not have a decent bed, only cushions on the floor. And you know what, I said to him that I didn't mind and that he could choose. Truth be told, I would much have preferred another 4-star hotel and obviously he was prepared to pay for it. Sad thing is that I obviously didn't think that I was worth it. Wow!

  36. The book is called Get Out of Neutral by J.B. Glossinger... it is an amazing book in my opinion. It really helped me open my eyes to what my ego was doing to me. You guys should really read it if you have not already.

  37. yes,still I have this victim mentality in spite the books and emotional processes i have done for years because I still struggling financially...I don't know why BUT I am willing to let go of this victim-hood and get financially free..

    gene

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  • 50 comments on “Why Would You Choose Being a Victim?”

    1. Victimhood gives us an excuse for when we don't succeed. I we take out the element of element of victim, than we have no one to blame but ourselves...and that's too much pressure for a lot of people. Having something else to blame is so very much easier; it's more comfortable to say "this didn't happen because of (......)" than to say "this didn't happen because I simply didn't/wouldn't/couldn't (......)".

      The thing to watch out for is when we allow ourselves to be victims of "good things" that can get in our way; it's just as crippling as being victimized by the obvious "bad things".

      Blessings and peace,
      Michele

    2. Well after losing a couple of business during this downturn, well- meaning family and friends have encouraged being a victim. They assured me that I was not the only one and it was not my fault. It was the economy, where I lived, etc., etc. It almost seems natural for most people to fall into that trap. I know that I allowed myself to do so. It was easy and everyone was supportive in my efforts.

      I can not wait till tomorrow to read more. I am just now scratching and clawing my way back after two years of doom and gloom living. Thanks

    3. Michelle makes a good point about "both" sides of the coin...as some people have a fear of failure and never try; and others have a fear of success and never try either - both are cousins of victimhood!

      I have heard that there are different levels of competency or awareness...The Unconscious Impcompetent (the one who does not know that they do not know), The Conscious Imcompetent (the one who knows that they do not know-real good victimhood at this level), The Conscious Competent (the one who knows that they know) and The Unconscious Competent (the one who does not know that they know). All people (IMHO) have issues, things to work on...but some people don't usually talk about those things UNLESS they are offering a solution or are trying something new; others relish in the "story".

      In my own life, I've had some real excusable shit happen, and I used that for a long time to be a F%& up. One day that completely changed...The Day My Life Turned Around-as Jim Rohn says. It has been a long process, but I am still courting the victim in me...I love that guy, he gets so much sympathy and attention. I have always had financial struggles, and my current "perp" who I blame is my wife...she is high maintenance, and she loves to spend money. I have all kinds of financial issues...but here is the bizarre part (and I've posted about this here before in other discussions, because I am starting to take responsibility for this in my life) - I make what some would consider a high income, we live in a large house, we drive luxury cars, our kids everything you can imagine - alot of people who know us, consider us successful (on the outside). BUUUTTTT, I have approximately $3K in the bank and basically no valuable assets (that aren't in hock)...WTF!!!!! It's totally ridiculous!

      But see, I have my perp - the wife who spends all of my money...isn't that convenient. I get a lot of sympathy from friends and family about the "evil doer" with our money...BULLSHIT! It's me. I don't know why yet - guess I am the Unconscious Imcompetent with the dough in my life. I will keep looking for the solution and I will find it.

      So, Randy...What DOES it take to really let go of victimhood? What say you?

    4. Interesting topic.... as Randy mentioned being in victim mode subsconsciously manifests issues such as health issues, financial issues, staying broke, dysfunctional reltaionships and etc..

      It just does not make sense rationally why we would manifest these dysfunctional issues.... Maybe deep down these are worthy issues where we subconsciously believe we are not worthy of great things.....

      I am going through some of these issues now... consciously.. I want great things such as financial success, great relaitonships and etc.... but it just seems once I am close to having these great things... something bad seems to happen where it does not happen.... very frustrating... I know some will say I am manifesting these issues subconsiously......

      The question is how do I break out of this pattern? I very much want to break out of this pattern and let go...

    5. Is it fair to say that she's a victim if she's working hard on correcting the areas of her life she wants changed?

      I don't care how prosperous you are, there are things we are all trying to work on in our lives, and being called a victim doesn't seem to help much.

      If this woman has been to a lot of seminars, and reads a lot, and is doing coaching with Randy, maybe we can look to see where these things are failing her rather than the other way around.

      Randy- if your business has been affected by the eco

    6. This post comes at a great time!!! I think that I am the Conscious Imcompetent and it's frustrating!! I can so relate to the lady in the post and the readers above, and yet why comes to mind. I think that if I'm so good at creating this crap and victimhood, I should be great at creating success, abundance health etc but what is the block..........I am so ready to break through and YES I mean it. I am learning and choosing to accept responsibility for EVERYTHING in my life no matter how crappy it is and even the good.

      I've had enough of victim hood, so I am so looking forward to the next post and any insights.
      How good can I stand it, my level has been set way too low!!
      Thanks Randy

    7. My 18 year old son is being kicked out of our house tomorrow. He was given notice about 2 months ago. One of the only few requirements in order to stay, was for him to find a job and pay $75 rent. About a week ago, he started looking - to no avail. I am a single mother and have raised him by myself. This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. But my son is stuck in this mentality that he is a victim. It's always everyone else fault. He overdrew his account by spending money he did not have - so he blames the bank. He cannot find a job - he blames the fact that he doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a car - he blames me or his father for not buying him one. He didn't graduate school - he blames the crappy school system that he just didn't believe in (he's a straight A student, but when you don't do homework and don't do class work, you can easily fail - which he did for 2 years). He has always blamed not getting into a school or not getting play time in sports or not winning golf games because of his bad luck. In fact, he would rather not try something that he likes, because he already knows that his "bad luck" will prevent him from achieving it.

      I've tried to tell him that practicing more positive thoughts about the outcome of a situation or choosing to think another way (as opposed to negatively), might prove to give him different results, but he shuts that suggestion down.

      I'm at my wits end. He has abused the living situation and I cannot support or enable him any longer. I pray that he figure out (sooner rather than later) that he must take control of his life and that he can't continue to blame others.

      As a parent, we never know if the difficult decision we have made will actually be that catalyst for change, but we can hope.

      ~L

    8. It may be an over simplification, others will no doubt comment, but in simple terms it seems to me that we are prisoners of our thinking and it is our pattern of thought that decides our actions.
      And our actions create the results.

      Jim Rohn has the advice "For things to change we have to change"

      We can hear and read this advice a thousand times but still not get it

      I have no idea what brings the changes to our thinking other than to persevere.

      Part of the problem it seems is created by ourselves because we listen to so many incredible people. People that have been, gone, and done it. We think wow, this is great, pick up another book, wow this is great and another and another......!

      Many is the time that we get bogged down with the "How's" instead of the "Why's" in our business and as a result keep attracting and creating challenges. Challenges that we think are created by others but are by and large are creations stemming from our own thinking.

      Your book Randy, "Why You're Dumb, Sick and Broke" deals with this so very well. But the problem is one reading of it creates the wow factor but after reading it the world's dark forces so very easily creep in and submerge the "Wow". So it has to be read and read and read.

      In a sense it is like going to church, a visit once a week will not bring the changes in our thinking. There is no magic pill! To come to know Christ or any other spiritual leader takes work, listening, reading, discussing and serving. To be a successful footballer needs vision and practice, practice, practice.

      To help us thread our way through life and save us from the pitfalls like the lady you mention, we need to model ourselves on the person who we most love and admire and in modeling ourselves project our mind and attitude to be like that person from now, this very minute.

      I may say Randy, that you fit that role very well and your contribution is well worth listening to and FOLLOWING.

      Hope I haven't rambled too much.

    9. I can relate to the books I've read and the workshops I've attended as evidence that I've cleared out victimhood, but the evidence of my life says otherwise. Sure, some things have changed, but by and large my life is the same. I must say I can't quite relate to getting sympathy from others because I do my best to keep my mouth shut about the things that aren't quite working out in my life because I know that it perpetuates it by adding negative reinforcement. But what I do realise is that victimhood does allow me to live an average life without guilt instead of creating and living the wonderful ideas that I have running around in my head. I think that victimhood also makes sure that I don't see the opportunities that are probably all around me that would allow me to fulfill those dreams and change my life for the better.

    10. I'm recovering from a similar mindset, so boy does this sound familiar! I'd read the books, listened to the tapes, attended the seminars - and was still manifesting crap in different areas of my life.

      I was so convinced of how tough I was, of how I'd survived so much and could still think positively, of how I was capable of taking on anything........I defined myself as resilient, strong, a heroine. And then I was surprised when the universe threw more stuff for me to overcome - DOH!

      Now, I embrace my vulnerability. I define myself by what I do today, not what I have done in the past. I've let go of the attention I used to get from others for being "a survivor", and now I find I am welcomed for being me.

      I never thought of myself as a "victim", I thought I was a heroine. Only when I realised they were both one and the same did my life start to turn around.

    11. Why would someone want to be a victim? Hmm, some thoughts:

      There's a saying, "What is reinforced is repeated." So pick your favorite "meme"- they are pervasive.

      Complaining (whining with no working toward a solution) is addictive. I've "been there" & am recovering from that. I'm keeping my mouth closed and releasing complaining thoughts... I'm making progress.

      Jeffrey Combs of Golden Mastermind asks an insightful question: "How would success contradict your struggle?" Hmmm....

      T Harv Eker writes about "potential"in his book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. He suggests that people are scared to give something their best shot because if they don't accomplish their goal, then the story of "I have great potential" is demolished.
      I think victimhood has a strong root in this phenomenon.

      October 2009 Oprah Magazine has an article titled "What's Wrong with This Picture?"....introduces the concept of "designated issues", which are the problems we focus on in the attempt to avoid the deeper issues. Could "money problems" be a "designated issue"?

      As always, thank you Randy for an insightful discussion and assistance in growing a prosperous mindset. You are an MLM Rock Star, especially this weekend!

    12. The woman you mentioned above is getting something from being the victim. We all do.

      We all are getting something from the situatons we put ourselves into and realities we create.

      I have a friend who constantly complains about her husband. I told her, 'when you are finished dancing that dance, and you stop getting something from this dynamic, you will leave him.'

      Some do, some don't.

      I know, I stayed in my marriage far longer than I 'wanted' to, and when I did finally leave and recover, I was able to see what I was getting from the relationship.

      It served my story that I had been working on and cementing in my brain for years.

      With beliefs, we have the subconscious belief, or conditioning.

      That belief actually creates and looks for examples to support it's story. It's how that belief continues, and as I've mentioned, even after we bring that core belief to light it will fight for it's life.

      If this woman above has tried numerous programs and is still having problems, it's time to look at the common denominator. The self.

      Blessed Hallowe'en, everyone...

      Jhanna Dawson

      Jhanna Dawson

    13. That's a pretty tough situation to be in; hard to tell what the right choice is.

      How old is he? If he's 15, you might be overdoing it, but if he's 40, you may be too late!

      Someone callous might say that you sound like you're being a victim to the situation with your son and you raised him, so it's all your fault anyway. Someone else would say you've tried everything, kick him out and be done with the loser.

      I guess it comes down to WHO you want to be in this situation less than what you want to DO. It sounds like you really want to support him becoming self-reliant, but you don't want to abandon him either.

      I wouldn't take advice from someone without kids (I don't have any) about WHAT to do here.

      - How is this situation hilarious to you?

      - When you're on your deathbed, how do you want to see yourself in this situation?

      I'd love to know what comes of it, and how anyone here can help. I hope I was helpful without being directional.

    14. Generalising a bit but the example above of the 18 year old with victimhood challenges I see as a generational issue.

      We live in the "Blame Culture" as evidenced by ambulance chasing lawyers etc and all those adverts on TV "no win, no fee" when we've slipped on the ice and broken a finger - well let's sue the person who owned the river - you get the idea I'm sure. Instead of saying - well I chose to walk that way when maybe I should have kept to the path.

      As a 59 year old I was brought up to be master of my own fate to a much greater degree than the current young ones and we didn't have the media throwing all sorts of garbage at us or the Health & Safety Culture. Witness an article in the paper this weeks saying that pupils at a certain school had been instructed to wear safety goggles when playing conkers! Heck life's a bit risky and how BORING it would be with no risk! Too any people have STOPPED LIVING and daren't take a risk and No Risk = No Reward!

      I believe that where we are in life is EXACTLY where we've chosen to be - NO ifs and buts - I AM RESPONSIBLE!

      Robert

    15. I think to dismiss and cut off that victim voice is not all right... there needs to be a way to channel it and use it healthily... to fashion and grow the soul to contain more depth...

      There must be a more integral way than simply represisng/denying/suppressing... which hurts us in other ways - whether it be recurring heart failure, stomach problems, etc... I think if you repress rather than face it it gets displaced and comes out in other cancerous ways. The question fo me is always - how can I use that energy to create something from it, and add more value. Yet wants hinders me most is action. Or right action and not enough of it!

      How do you do this AND make money. Cos it takes time, energy, love, vitality, humour...

      I've been reading a lot of Pualo Coelho's biography - it's out mid November in the states.

      He emailed to tell me to get it to read about the drugs, sex, and rock! Though it goes into his parents institutinlising him for being rebelious and not coming home on time, and not beign a good scholar. He was a useless student. Had many faily marriages and affairs... He got tortured by governemnt police... etc etc

      THough what he held strong and true - even in the worst times was this "I want to be the author of the century" Though he wrote plays, songs, columns, magazines... all he wanted to be was a fiction author. Though he did have a lot of money cos he wrote the lyrics of many many songs.... Though his victim feelings got channelled into that. He had many homes... and was good and frugal with money to make things work.

      While he may have been a victim - and boy did he have a lot going on - from asthma, psorisis, anxiety, panic, insecurities... He used all of this to write about in his books. He chanelled his devastation and process his frustration through his work.

      He was only 40 when he started to write. What it took was tremendous support - especially from his 4th and final wife who has been there for him for about 30 years.. It took her belief, but more than that it took he forcing him too. He just coud not settle down to do iit. And even now when he says: "oh my how can I cope with all this." She says: "you can do it, you wanted it!"

      As I read him I can so see myself. The challenges, frustrations - having this deep fundamnetal vision/belief that I would do iit - make it big... and yet the impact of his childhood did fundamentally affect him. He had a lot to overcome to break through his resistance/avoidance/distrations and inabiity t get down to it. He did a 3/4 month pilgramage - a strong spiritual journey - to connect more deeply with his soul.... I look forwward to reading more of how be broke through and started taking action...

      His mother said clearly and frequently: "you will never make it as an author"

      Wasn't she wrong! His book the Alchemist (about his inner journey of break through) has been translated into 67 language... winner of many awards.

      He's sold more than 150 million books. Thats a lot! And he STILL feels like a victim, still feels lonely, still yearns for more love, still has funny ticks and a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder... Yet is a beautiful loving fun man who makes a big difference in peoples lives. He still allows that victim space to breath and to work its magic in creating. Like he asks a weekly question on his blog... one week was "every week, even every day I feel lonely. When do you feel that moment of loneiness and how is it for you?"

      How can we allow tht victim spce and give it the love it needs so that it doesn't come out in other ways, while still forging forward?

      Thanks beloved Randy! I so adore and appreciate you! xox

    16. Thanks Natalie for this- I agree that we can USE that voice for something; It never feels quite right to me repress and squash inner feelings that come up.

      I often come out of something after I've simmered in it for a while.

    17. So why would remaining a victim still be important to her on some subconscious level? Or why would YOU want to remain a victim?
      There might a way of getting attention and love. She might not feel that she deserves to be wealthy and she is still punishment herself by feeling guilty for something that was out of her control.

    18. From my standpoint , I would give to main reason for why a person would stick to pattern of behaviour of a victim.
      For some people it is quite convenient to act in a ''victim'' fashion. Such people burden themselves with illusionary , self-invented porblems breeded by their destructive thougths. This type of victims either does it consciously with an intention to cause regret in other person's mind and thus satisfy victim's inner desires to attract attention and to be nourished in victim's wrongful beliefs of life being unfair and hard to him/her. The focal characteristic of this sort of victim - intentional or unconscious (due to lack of appropriate knowledge) inability to take full responsibility for life. I was in this position some while ago and ,hence ,know how it is.
      Or the other type of victims are stuck in their positions due to subconscious programming which they have undergone during their life stages. Thereby , this particular type of suffering individuals does not fully ( most probably) realize the root of their problem . Well, Randy , you are an expert in this particular part of the topic 🙂

      Thanks !

      Andrej.

    19. The best reason? It's easy to be a victim. The ego uses the idea of being a victim as an excuse for failure. If bad things happen to me, it's someone or soemthing else's fault. I can't have caused it. No matter how miserable the person, they'll stay that way, because it's easy. It's easier to carry hell than to release it and live in heaven, these people think.

      This post has some relevance in my life as far as its timing. Just last night someone egged my home and shattered a window. It's a shocking thing to be woken up at 3 AM with the sound of glass shattering. Trust me First I was scared. After a few minutes my mind went to, "Why me?" Then I released that feeling and went to anger, wanting to wait outside with a baseball bat for the punks who did this. All emotions arose, passed, and after about a half hour I took full responsibility for it. I attracted it, how I don't know, but it happened, so I attracted it. I felt free when I came to this realization.

      It's interesting to note that I felt like a victim right after my initial feeling of fear went away. As in.."I am a really positive guy, I am nice to most people I meet, I smile, I try to help all, why the hell do I get egged? Why?" Because, as Bob Proctor would say, I am responsible for my life, for my feelings, and for every result I get.

      The quicker you can accept the idea that you are never a victim the more free you will be.

    20. Victmizing onself and pointing the blame to the other person is a power game.It is to bring down the powerful person through injecting the sense of guilt to that personIn such a way, the other party is trapped and cannot be free again.Why? the harm is done in the past.So by blaming the other party we have control on the other person morality.However, by doing this-liking oneself to the other party, life is passing by and living the victim behind.The result, the victim is more hurt, more angry and more righteousness.
      Victim=companionship
      Clear=Aloness

      A. Maroun

    21. Victim = attention, excuses, pitty

      I had played the victim role for 30 years, I am 31 now. After one really drunken all nighter, gettig into the subject of my past and crying uncontrolably for probably 6 hours. The next day I woke up, I mean I really woke up. I had realized what I had been doing to myself. I had been allowing my life to be ruled by things I had had no control over as a child. And I needed to stop allowing this and take back control and start living the life I wantd to live. The person that I was, the victim, was not who I really wanted to be, that was not my True Self.

      This all came about after talking with a very special someone previous to this drunken night. The one person that I truely trusted. He had given me a book and made me promise to read it. He went on telling me how his whole life had changed becaues of this person (the person who wrote the book). He had given me hope for myself. Though I did begin to read the book I did not make it very far. I actually just finished it about 3 weeks ago. And he had given me the book before Christmas last year.

      Point being, we all need positive reenforcemet in our lives and he is mine. But, we must want and believe that we can let go of the victim.

      What it takes for people to let go of being a victim is different for everyone. Most it would seem will never let it go because that is all they know and are probably surrounded by many other victms and they all feed off of each other.

      I believe strongly that what it would take for people to let go is to have someone in their life that could make them realize what they are doing to themselves. To intoduce a new way of thinking through talking, reading, and writing. To help them understand who they really are inside. Without some type of guidance I feel that most victims will stay that way throughout thier life.

    22. I would define this as holding on to victim situations and discussing them with the people around you to troll for sympathy and validation. More on the next post...

      -RG

    23. I think some people cling on to victimhood in connection with the childhood they never had in some strange hope that they will find it in the attention they hope to receive from their sad stories.

      Randy I would like to ask you is it ever too late for some people or is it never too late? Thanks..
      love Angie xx

    24. Ah hem!!!
      I reckon that I coud probably guess a little here 🙂 Being rather uncanningly like your lady - and having been a therapist and coach to victims who'd been abused, neglected, in poverty areas, drug dealers etc....

      I would think a victim mentality is a mindset that things happen to them that are beyond their control and they have no possibility or potential to get out of it.

      They are stuck, and caught by the trap of life being unfair, harsh, and that it is agaisnt them and will not come right.

      A victim does no try to understand the dynamics, learn from them or look at ways to overcome them.

      A victim is not grateful for what's happened, but resents her experience and keeps the world away is case she gets hurt again.

      A victim wallows in self pity.

      The payoff for being in this mentality - is:

      1. Not doing anything - (because what would be the point anyway)

      2. Being excused from being a success ( cos her life was so hard - she couldn't help it)

      3.Other people caring, and reaching out - giving them the chance to rescue her (so they feel like the hero, and thus like her in victim role)

      4. Staying small, avoiding breaking through the fears and comfort zones

      5. Life feeling certain, secure and comfortable - no risks, or changes - life feels safe

      HOw does a victim get over it?

      In The Power of Ted, the shift is from Victim to Creator.

      The challenge with most victims is they are programmed to see that life will not work out... So they don't believe it. And also have not been taught how - (in my case) - they may have been taught how to look after others (and not care for themselves, and then over extend themselves fo others, and not know how to put themselves out there - and derail themselves thru seeing someone else to care for!!!), or been told they will never succeed and always be a failure.

      So what helps?

      From reading about various actors and the millionaires... I see it took learning new skills, TREMENDOUS WILL POWER, strong belief in the dream, external resources, and a strong network and suppport group.

      Especially when not knowing how to shift things or do them differently. With your lovely lady - the abuse, failures, relationship crap, harsh upbringing etc have been programmed so fundamentaility that the blocks are physiologically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually kept in that position....

      And that it would take others around her - like it did with Paulo Coelho - to pull her out with massive support, determination and not letting her hide slink back, or retreat into her fears. Paulo Coelho frequently says that his wife was his guardian angel, and he doubt if he could ever have broken through his childhood anxiety, depression, PTSD, and fears of failure without her consistent and gentle and strong presence and encouragement. She took a lot from him - and she realised that it was because he wasn't living his dream... and managed not to take it personally but stand by him being his believer.

      Why did he let her in to be able to help him when he'd had 3 other wives, and EVERYONE knew his intent? My only guess is that she understood him, and felt deeply into him. There's a book "Help and Human Relations" written in the 60's... It researched people who had been helpers wh were low functioning and those who were high functioning successful helpers and why they had created sustainable positive results. The research showed that in each case the helper FIRST empathised, showed they understood, and cared. Then they co-create ideas... and in sme cases could offer advice and it be received and acted on without the victim being defensive. HAving been hurt so much and been so violated by peopl who love them; the victim is unable to let people in, or able to trust others. It takes connecting deeply, building hope that things can and will be different. They are so over-sensiticed and triggered and go back into anxiety and get flooded in pain that it takes a lot of patience, and genuine care as well as courage to stand firm and strong in being there.

      Glorious joy... xox

    25. One more thought and then enough from me 🙂

      Randy you are that prosperity coach... and

      One could be financialy amazing, yet feel a victim when it comes to relationships - "I always get DONE for!" or "I always pick a crazy wild wife who takes everything from me and gives me nothing. And makes me unhappy so I work harder."

      One could be spiritually strong and beautifully in service, yet physically be ugly and tormented by the pain and think "God doesn't give me the time to care for my appearance, I just have to serve cos there are so many people tht need my help."

      Or one could be financially in ruins, yet have beautiful deep, fun real, connecting friendships and a safe job tht brings on joy - and you could blame it on the market, the recession and that you want to work that job cos it gives you more hours at home.

      You could be amazing creatively and be addicted to drugs for the stimulation.... etc

      I think the victim mentality will always be there in some shape or form... and if the maxim "what we resist persists" is true...

      Then how can I/we not resist it, but find a way to work wth it, include it, create from it, and not make it wrong so it gets stronger and kills our energy?

      How can we utilize its forces - which obviously are an amzing pool of energy, if we coud harness and work with it...

      Thanks gorgeous Dude.

    26. Going back to the piece by Lynn and her 'serving notice' on her 18 year old. I can't help thinking that this is very harsh. If he's a not too mature 18 year old you could say that he's still a child.

      Maybe he needs more nurture, more examples, more coaching, more coaxing and also more space. Christ I remember being that age and it takes a while to suss out the world and learn to play the game.

      In fact I'm still learning over 20 years later! I'd say give him a chance; after all, being told you're a vicitm over and over won't help. Putting a child out of the house could send him on a downward spiral. I sympathise with your difficulties but at 18, a person doesn't necessarily have perfect judgement and logic.

      Am I the only one on here that thinks he should be cut a bit of slack? Best of luck with it all.

    27. A lot of words, sometimes not easy to catch the main things... But speaking about victimhood, nobody says that our surrounding is exceptionally important...our family, friends, colleges and so on... as for me, i guess i feel myself less victimized when i get rid of all negative surroundings.... family and friends... just stay away from people who are victims, play victims and like to be victims..... i prefer to stay alone and work on myself, than to be always under influence of these people... though some of them are really close...

      and i also believe that the process "Stop being a victim" is a quite long process, where you have to work day by day on it, without long brakes, as many people become victims from their childhood. they have done the same things for many thousand times, that it became a habit and now its not so easy to get rid of this condition, their stereotyped behaviors and become new person with new habits and believes......

      Randy, thanks for the inspiring posts and thanks for being so positive.

    28. Getting out of old habits is easier said than done. My thought: she still doesn't believe she's worth anything. Her self perception is a difficult hurdle to get over.

      People who don't suffer from self esteem problems find it difficult to deal with those who do.

      Others can't change her, she's got that job all by her lonesome. When she gets tired of being mentally sick and tired, she'll clear that hurdle -- just watch.

    29. I don't know if that's harsh.

      I moved out at 18 and went to University.

      Had to work doing statistics for a company while doing full time university.

      I often only got 5 hours sleep a night. I didn't drink/do drugs. Just had to work harder than the folks that hd the money. It was a great time - taught me how much I could do if I was focused. And I look back and still think there are many of those things that were ineffective and I could have had better skills in. It was fun times.

      If he's been warned then I think it's fair. If he hasn't beent aught how to manage money, and how to care for himself and then gets kicked out - then that's HIGHLY unfair. He needs to be learn to look for opportunities, act on them and do well... If she's taught him those, and there's no mental disabilities/learnng difficulties then it may just be the threat/action he needs.

      I wouldn't suppress the emotional needs/pain of it tho - ensure he feels loved... and supported in the shift...

      He defiantely needs a mentor or someone that believes in him to encourage and wake hiim up to his gifts, so he can feele excited and not have the fears he does now...

      And I don't know - cos I don't know the lad... Maybe he needs a dose of Randys "Why you're dumb, broke, and Stupid" or of Larry Winget "Shut Up Stop WHining and Get a Life" or "You're broke because you want to be"

      Good luck!

    30. I can completely relate to both Randy's experience with the woman still enveloped in victim hood (myself) and the parent with a struggling child (also myself). I believe the answers are also the questions we should be asking ourselves. Is this serving me? What is my "Why", is it big enough to bring change? What is the worst thing that could happen if I do this? What is the best thing that could happen? What small adjustments in my course could I make to change the direction of my life?
      Write these things down. Look at them daily. Put one foot in front of the other and just start in the desired direction. Trust in the Divine to guide you and know that if you fall down, you can get up and try again. The future has never looked so bright.

    31. Excellent! I just realized that so many people know and
      understand this "victim, story, excuse" thing that I'm more
      motivated than ever to quit it! I don't like the idea of someone
      around me thinking 'you choose your life situation' and then
      turning around and going away without saying anything because
      why should they? As far as they know you're stuck! Also, to succeed
      they AND you must hang around focussed A players. The only way
      to accomplish that level of success...
      is to BE it, otherwise those responsible A's will go away. You'll be left
      to wallow in your victim story.
      In my opinion this blogpost is a 'breakthrough post' because so
      many people sharing and believing the same productive thing helps
      to change your belief permanently. Thank you all, Phil

    32. Victim!!! That is what I have been for years. I had a father who was very stern & believed in the lash so much that I got it almost everyday. My father was born and raised in what we called the Jim Crow south, South Carolina to be exact in 1931 under a father that was born just a few years after the emancipation proclamation. Its interesting that we talk about victimization, what someone did to me or didn't give me. Well I'm one of the those victims too! I know that my grandfather and great-grandfather were definitely physical victims as were many of my family members back in those days, not to mention some of the things that I saw my father endure when I was a child that were clearly rascist. When I look back on my own situation and what I endured as me and my older siblings integrated a white schools in the 60's, it used to bring tears to my eyes how adults could treat children so harshly because they were of a different race. My parents tried to convince us to stick to our studies, but it was hard, as my teacher often slapped and pinched the black students, or called them names, often degrading us in front of the white students. On top of that, they'd send home reports stating that we were unruly only to face a drill seargent for a father. Eventually, things changed in the schools as more blacks integrated into the school systems, however not before a mark was left on my psyche. I becamed a victim both as school and at home. In Ohio in the 60's and part of the 70's the school system still practiced corporal punishment, and I received my fair share, and some. I wasn't a saint, just a kid trying to survive the torturers at school, and the torment at home.

      Yes, I am becoming a victim a little bit more each and everyday as I realize that there are no guaranteed meals, but that one is responsible for oneself. When we accept that its okay to make mistakes from time to time, and accept responsibility for, them we'll be okay!

      I won't mention the industry that I work in, but I have never heard so many victims in my life! I had a father that didn't accept victimization even if it was happening right in front of him, and I served in the military, and they didn't accept it either. Then I land a job where I listen to victims all day long whining about why they can't pay their bills because they blew their money on something else! And yes, they want me to be sympathetic toward their situation, which I find very hard, but my company requires that I put on a mask and pretend that I'm really concerned. I can't do it, and I won't!!! I couldn't do it and sleep at night. I show empathy, but in certain situations where a person is trying to work me, nothing is happening. As far as the victim goes, the more I am true to myself and others, the better I'll be, and vitimization will fall off.

      The woman who had the 18 year old, I am not offering advise, but I will say that I was out of the house at 17. I graduated early, told my father I was joining the military, and shipped out the day after graduation, and I haven't looked back! I can say that as a man, your son does need guidance, but not from just anyone, and my belief is that he needs to hear it from a man that he can trust to help guide him. To help him understand that he is absolutely responsible for whatever predicament he finds himself in, reason being, when he finds himself in any of these problems, unless he accepts full responsibility for them, he can't fix them. If you believe someone else is responsible, then you give that person the power to correct the situation, and not yourself. They do it in their time, and under their conditions. On the other hand, when a person takes responsibility for their problems, then they themselves call the shots! At some point you must let go of holding your son's hand so that he can find his metal. I have two sons that I admire because I did the same with them, and as long as I held their hands so to speak, they did nothing, and everyone else was as fault for everything that didn't work in their lives. The eldest is now a campus police at a prestigious university in Washington DC, and working on his degree, not to mention a good role model, and the other in acrew cheif in the USAF and stationed in Okinawa Japan, and working on his degree. Both have stopped the blame game, and are very good to bounce ideas off from time to time. Keep your head up mom!

    33. First, Randy slap me in font my face. When I first read this blog, I can't sleep without thinking. I self searched why I am still dumb and sick after a lot of reading. 4 years from now, I encountered prosperity lessons. At that time frame I experienced ups and downs. That woman in the post is like my life, I am still broke and Y? It is because it is siren of satisfaction? it is because my negative belief is cemented to me or fears of success or fears of failures?
      I come to realize I am surrounded by the people who are negative. I come to believe I did not change the places, the people in my life, the action that I took and the thinking that I had. I felt it is tough to change. It is a breakthrough if I change.
      Enough..I recognized the evil in me..When I think past failures, pains, feel anxiety, history of my family, I am not entertaining these in my thoughts instead I am focusing to the activities that I needed to change my life into better.

    34. First, RG is it tomorrow yet?
      Okay. For the woman with the 18yr. old. A lot of children(adults) at that age go off to college, others have jobs and are productive citizens assisting their families with emotional and material support.

      So what's his excuse. I have children, now adults and I can speak about this. At eighteen she had a choice, college, job or move out. She did the latter. The other one was sixteen and choose to live with her father. I had rules, boundaries. Now the oldest has her master in ed. and will soon have it bus. The younger is into med. assist.

      So, with that said, all the best for you and your son.

    35. I think my victimhood boils down to a worthiness issue. Case in point. Just this weekend my European boyfriend and I spent our last night together, (I'm going back home down under). He booked a 4-star hotel for us before I got there to meet him and he said it was a lousy hotel and checked out. He then asked me if I wanted to go to another hotel or stay in my relative's spare apartment, which I happen to know does not have a decent bed, only cushions on the floor. And you know what, I said to him that I didn't mind and that he could choose. Truth be told, I would much have preferred another 4-star hotel and obviously he was prepared to pay for it. Sad thing is that I obviously didn't think that I was worth it. Wow!

    36. The book is called Get Out of Neutral by J.B. Glossinger... it is an amazing book in my opinion. It really helped me open my eyes to what my ego was doing to me. You guys should really read it if you have not already.

    37. yes,still I have this victim mentality in spite the books and emotional processes i have done for years because I still struggling financially...I don't know why BUT I am willing to let go of this victim-hood and get financially free..

      gene

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