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What Are You Repeating?

Posted By: Randy GageFebruary 3, 2009

My grandfather divorced my grandmother.  As far as I know, she never went out on another date.  One of her sisters never married.  The other one divorced.  My parents divorced when I was a baby.  My two aunts are both divorced.

Do we see a pattern here?

The pattern in my family is superhero women, who can get by without men.  And that’s the kind of pattern that affects kids and gets carried over to the next generation.  Unless you are aware of it. And consciously break it.

Have you given any thought what the generational patterns are in your family?  Things like abuse, alcoholism, infidelity, and the example above have a nasty tendency to repeat, generation after generation.

Of course, so do healthy relationships, positive affirmations, and love.

So what patterns are you repeating?   And causing to be repeated?

-RG

16 comments on “What Are You Repeating?”

  1. Thanks Sir...

    Where does it say that it takes what you do within your family repeats for 7 generations unless the pattern is actively broken?

    And it truly is ACTIVE - finding new ways of being, creating different habits, building strong foundations of relating and communicating, honing the vision, co-creating, and fleshing out luscious loving into each moment.

  2. I thought your post was interesting in that I ran across the very question of "Should I date, now that I'm divorced, even though i have kids?" on the website, Mamasource. One of the ladies sought validation for her decision to 'stick it out' with NO dating because she feared what it may do to her kids. My 'argument' (or better put-my 'point of view') was to ask her if she ever wondered what she may have missed out on in terms of fun and love and just the general experiencing of life that she could pass on to her kids (all the good and the bad...at some point they must learn that life isn't fair and not all people are nice, but that you must go on and LIVE and LOVE).

    Anyway, I think this a great topic...stopping repeating behaviors-especially those that cross generational lines.

  3. Whoa! I feel the sting of the slap across my face much the same as the one I felt on my 5th DUI. Really it was a "figurative" slap from myself to myself. While waiting in the staging cell feeling way to sober, or so it seemed, I continuously slapped myself for duplicating exactly what I profoundly hated about the generation prior. So with that stinging reality, life changed immediately and hopefully permanently.

    It was during the many sober months and years that the vivid performances of my parents danced in my memory. They were sirens calling me back and I could almost hear them now it weren't for the even louder voice of the likes of Randy Gage and the others that I'm choosing to pattern myself after versus the DNA trap.

    The nudge from RG and the other sources for PD continue to align me as I extract those truly distructive mems.

    and Whoa! that feels great.

  4. Great question Randy. I don't think I've ever given that one any thought. I have a very small family so patterns are just a little more difficult to spot but one from the positive side is that my family members generally take care of their bodies by eating well, keeping weight low and staying in shape. I've always agreed that body weight is genetic but because of 'genetic' food choices. As for negative patterns, I'll really need to think more about that one. One that has sprung to mind so far is discipline bordering on abuse that I know started with my grandfather and continued with my father.

  5. My family was the same as yours, Randy, the women were super women. My mother comes from a big family, they are 16 siblings, 10 are women, are all of them are or divorce or never got married, all of them have a university degree and after having kids, the divorce arrieved and they never remarried, not one of them.
    For the contrary the men of the family they are all married.
    From my part, I am trying to do my best to NOT follow the pattern, I am happy with my marriege and my kids. My cousins and sisters that are married are doing the same as me, they dont want to divorce and repeat the history of our family. They are happy, or that is what it looks like.
    I think that without talking about this, my sisters, cousins and I are trying to break the pattern.

    Have a great night,

  6. A company in the excavating business in Chicago was a client and now are close friends. The discussion about weight management always came back to something like "but my family...that's whata we do...we eat and drink" I always remember that example of a thought process.

    Now I think: what marvelous patterns and examples can I create as examples for those who follow? So I don't want to stop anything, I want to create a picture I prefer going forward.

  7. I've been thinking about how much we really are a product of our parents, and how far that goes.

    There are things I would love to inherit from my folks, and there are a lot that I want to stay away from.

    But what REALLY scares me, is what I'm unaware of, and what I may pass on to any kids I have...

  8. Interesting question Randy. Especially since I have been pondering that for some time now.

    My sister has been tracing our family's genieology for the last few years and something interesting has been surfacing. A pattern among the generations much like what you describe. I had to stop to think, what can i do differently? To make my life better. My family members lives better etc.

    I decided to be aware and concious of my thoughts and actions and reactions towards myself and family members.

    My dad's family likes to hold on to anger and resentments and I was doing the same thing. I am working hard on letting go and choosing not to participate in the inherited dysfunction.

    Thanks for asking the question. Great timing!

  9. The Superwomen you are talking about are challenging the boundaries of accepted social and cultural paradigms. Are women to be saddled with even more guilt if they try to break the idealogy of patriarchal consciousness which shows that they are no longer conferring power on the old order and the repression it engendered. In reality we are all subjected to a psychological idealogy in which the will of the individual is subordinated to family and society, and it is this idealogical image which these women shatter and could be seen as threatening to a male dominated world.

    Women have been taught to feel helpless, hopeless and also aimless and that they need a man to survive. I am not against men as I love them dearly, but to demonise women because they are strong enough to live without a man and the approval of society is a kind of moral insanity.

    `What are we repeating` certainly opens up a whole can of worms if we are brave enough to look inside ourselves.

    All the best.

  10. My family has several. Some I've noticed, some the people involved have noticed.

    When others have noticed a pattern i.e. getting married young, then divorcing a few years later. They 'force' other not to do the same. Certainly that is how it felt to myself growing up in the family.

    If they don't notice a pattern, it seems impossible for them to break it or consider an alternative. They then force or tell others again, about it. This one I'm breaking. Or the pattern that I see, I'm beginning to break.

    As I've written this, I've noticed that in itself is a pattern. As I think about it, to completely break the pattern a change in environment is required. oh...

  11. Interesting

    The older I get I too come to realize how I have many of the same patterns as that of my parents, not all bad - many good. It takes constant awareness to avoid these pitfalls.

    Each day I try to do the best for my children. It is a daily battle - I win most and fail on some. The most important part is the realization/awareness of the patterns/behaviors and making the changes to not pass on the bad but to make the next generation of my family better and more emotionally healthy than the last.

    God Bless.

  12. A book I found very helpful was "The Alcohol and Addiction Cure" by Chris Prentiss. The first course of treatment I've seen that is in alignment with the principles of prosperity I believe. Not to demean 12 Step groups, but I felt they have an inherent victim-hood orientation. This book doesn't.

    -RG

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  • 16 comments on “What Are You Repeating?”

    1. Thanks Sir...

      Where does it say that it takes what you do within your family repeats for 7 generations unless the pattern is actively broken?

      And it truly is ACTIVE - finding new ways of being, creating different habits, building strong foundations of relating and communicating, honing the vision, co-creating, and fleshing out luscious loving into each moment.

    2. I thought your post was interesting in that I ran across the very question of "Should I date, now that I'm divorced, even though i have kids?" on the website, Mamasource. One of the ladies sought validation for her decision to 'stick it out' with NO dating because she feared what it may do to her kids. My 'argument' (or better put-my 'point of view') was to ask her if she ever wondered what she may have missed out on in terms of fun and love and just the general experiencing of life that she could pass on to her kids (all the good and the bad...at some point they must learn that life isn't fair and not all people are nice, but that you must go on and LIVE and LOVE).

      Anyway, I think this a great topic...stopping repeating behaviors-especially those that cross generational lines.

    3. Whoa! I feel the sting of the slap across my face much the same as the one I felt on my 5th DUI. Really it was a "figurative" slap from myself to myself. While waiting in the staging cell feeling way to sober, or so it seemed, I continuously slapped myself for duplicating exactly what I profoundly hated about the generation prior. So with that stinging reality, life changed immediately and hopefully permanently.

      It was during the many sober months and years that the vivid performances of my parents danced in my memory. They were sirens calling me back and I could almost hear them now it weren't for the even louder voice of the likes of Randy Gage and the others that I'm choosing to pattern myself after versus the DNA trap.

      The nudge from RG and the other sources for PD continue to align me as I extract those truly distructive mems.

      and Whoa! that feels great.

    4. Great question Randy. I don't think I've ever given that one any thought. I have a very small family so patterns are just a little more difficult to spot but one from the positive side is that my family members generally take care of their bodies by eating well, keeping weight low and staying in shape. I've always agreed that body weight is genetic but because of 'genetic' food choices. As for negative patterns, I'll really need to think more about that one. One that has sprung to mind so far is discipline bordering on abuse that I know started with my grandfather and continued with my father.

    5. My family was the same as yours, Randy, the women were super women. My mother comes from a big family, they are 16 siblings, 10 are women, are all of them are or divorce or never got married, all of them have a university degree and after having kids, the divorce arrieved and they never remarried, not one of them.
      For the contrary the men of the family they are all married.
      From my part, I am trying to do my best to NOT follow the pattern, I am happy with my marriege and my kids. My cousins and sisters that are married are doing the same as me, they dont want to divorce and repeat the history of our family. They are happy, or that is what it looks like.
      I think that without talking about this, my sisters, cousins and I are trying to break the pattern.

      Have a great night,

    6. A company in the excavating business in Chicago was a client and now are close friends. The discussion about weight management always came back to something like "but my family...that's whata we do...we eat and drink" I always remember that example of a thought process.

      Now I think: what marvelous patterns and examples can I create as examples for those who follow? So I don't want to stop anything, I want to create a picture I prefer going forward.

    7. I've been thinking about how much we really are a product of our parents, and how far that goes.

      There are things I would love to inherit from my folks, and there are a lot that I want to stay away from.

      But what REALLY scares me, is what I'm unaware of, and what I may pass on to any kids I have...

    8. Interesting question Randy. Especially since I have been pondering that for some time now.

      My sister has been tracing our family's genieology for the last few years and something interesting has been surfacing. A pattern among the generations much like what you describe. I had to stop to think, what can i do differently? To make my life better. My family members lives better etc.

      I decided to be aware and concious of my thoughts and actions and reactions towards myself and family members.

      My dad's family likes to hold on to anger and resentments and I was doing the same thing. I am working hard on letting go and choosing not to participate in the inherited dysfunction.

      Thanks for asking the question. Great timing!

    9. The Superwomen you are talking about are challenging the boundaries of accepted social and cultural paradigms. Are women to be saddled with even more guilt if they try to break the idealogy of patriarchal consciousness which shows that they are no longer conferring power on the old order and the repression it engendered. In reality we are all subjected to a psychological idealogy in which the will of the individual is subordinated to family and society, and it is this idealogical image which these women shatter and could be seen as threatening to a male dominated world.

      Women have been taught to feel helpless, hopeless and also aimless and that they need a man to survive. I am not against men as I love them dearly, but to demonise women because they are strong enough to live without a man and the approval of society is a kind of moral insanity.

      `What are we repeating` certainly opens up a whole can of worms if we are brave enough to look inside ourselves.

      All the best.

    10. My family has several. Some I've noticed, some the people involved have noticed.

      When others have noticed a pattern i.e. getting married young, then divorcing a few years later. They 'force' other not to do the same. Certainly that is how it felt to myself growing up in the family.

      If they don't notice a pattern, it seems impossible for them to break it or consider an alternative. They then force or tell others again, about it. This one I'm breaking. Or the pattern that I see, I'm beginning to break.

      As I've written this, I've noticed that in itself is a pattern. As I think about it, to completely break the pattern a change in environment is required. oh...

    11. Interesting

      The older I get I too come to realize how I have many of the same patterns as that of my parents, not all bad - many good. It takes constant awareness to avoid these pitfalls.

      Each day I try to do the best for my children. It is a daily battle - I win most and fail on some. The most important part is the realization/awareness of the patterns/behaviors and making the changes to not pass on the bad but to make the next generation of my family better and more emotionally healthy than the last.

      God Bless.

    12. A book I found very helpful was "The Alcohol and Addiction Cure" by Chris Prentiss. The first course of treatment I've seen that is in alignment with the principles of prosperity I believe. Not to demean 12 Step groups, but I felt they have an inherent victim-hood orientation. This book doesn't.

      -RG

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