Longtime subscribers to my Randy’s Rants will remember about six or seven years ago I started doing an annual parody on the holiday classic, “The Night Before Christmas.” It was a humorous look at some of the crazy happenings in our world.
A couple years ago, I moved it to this blog, and sloughed the job off on you…
There have been some amazing submissions ever since. Some poignant, some clever, and some downright hysterical. To make it more interesting this year, let’s throw in a real prize: Whoever comes up with the best poem will win $1,000 credit, good for any of my self-development resources or public seminars. (So if your name isn’t linked to your website, be sure and use your whole name, in the event you win.)
The winner will be determined by an esteemed panel of judges considered the seminal poets of our time. Namely me, myself and I. The decision of the judges is final, although they have been known to be susceptible to bribes, flattery, and promises of cheap, tawdry sex.
I’ll announce the winner here on the blog on December 26th. So if you think you’ve got what it takes, hit us with your best shot. Now, let’s get to it. With profound apologies to the Clement Clarke Moore estate…
The Night Before Christmas, 2010
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the ‘hood
The masses were nervous, as well be they should.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;
Hoping for coal, because the fuel tanks were bare.
The people were nestled, all snug in their jammies;
And now dear reader, the rest is up to you…
P.S. Here’s wishing you a joyous holiday season filled with good friends, joyful reunions, and stimulating conversations. However in light of the new FTC regulations on bloggers, these wishes are subject to the following terms and conditions:
This greeting from Randy Gage ("Wishor”), to you (“Recipient”), is extended without obligation, implied or implicit, for best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, gender neutral, celebration of the secular winter solstice only. Any similarities to holidays celebrating the festival of lights, God, or birth of the baby Jesus are purely coincidental.
This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions of the religious or secular beliefs of your choice, regardless of sexual orientation, or operating system preference, and is void where prohibited by law. Acceptance by the recipient does not imply any endorsements or consent by the Wishor.
The good tidings expressed in this greeting are subject to further clarification or withdrawal, are revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and are non transferable.
The Wishor implies no guarantee of actual results. The extent of the holiday spirit experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into it. The claims described are for illustration purposes only. Your results may vary.
This salutation is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, and has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
“Christmas” “God” and “Jesus” are registered trademarks of the Amway Corporation; all rights reserved.