So I’ve been suggesting in the last couple posts that perhaps you’re still holding on to victim-hold. And more than a few of you have acknowledged that in the comments. But what about the rest of you? Am I just projecting my victim-hood issues on you? Or are you still mired in victim consciousness? Let’s find out….
Do you ever talk about any things that happened to you in childhood that hurt you? By this I mean abuse you endured, things that were withheld from you, absence of love or affection, etc. If you are talking about them with anyone except a professional therapist, then you are wallowing in victim-hood.
When you go out on a new date, do you tell war stories about your last ex? Or the ones before that? If so, you’re trying to be a victim.
When someone asks how you are, do you start listing your headache, back pain, or other aches and pains? Total victim-hood.
Do you believe that your financial challenges are the result of the economy, government programs, bad partners, your boss, or any other outside factors? If so, you are seeking to be victimized.
Do you still talk about money you lost in business deals or investments in the past? Of course the only reason for this is to feel victimized.
Now do you think I’m being unreasonable, and that some of the things I said above don’t really apply to you because you have extenuating circumstances? Congratulations, you’re a Master Level victim!
Give this some real thought. Then if you’re still not convinced, you can argue with me below...
I have a good friend who is in AA and is doing well. He is far better off now than he was one year ago when he enrolled.
I know you believe that AA keeps people in victim-hood mode.
How would you broach this with a friend of yours who was doing well with AA or would you?
No argument from me, I would add however there is NO shame in "victim hood" as we all have it in us and it's part of us as humans!
The shame is "living" it or having it as part of your identity, that's a shame.
The opportunity is trying to "catch" yourself play the 'victim' game with friends/family/work mates etc... and reply to yourself "isn't that interesting, I'm playing a game of black and white"!
Or that's the 'ideal' thing to do, sometimes I just think $#@! it, I'm peed off and I want to wallow in it just for a hit of short term $#@! the world!
I find they can both work however the 1st option is shorter version of being peed off 🙂
Randy is absolutely right in everything he says, this is standard text book stuff to wean people away from victimhood. I always get one thing straight with my clients right from the start, I tell them that 'I do not support victim consciousness', this shocks them and immediately makes them panic. I am not saying that I will not support them and I gently explain exactly what I mean. If they want pity parties they need to go somewhere else. They usually stay and usually get a lot out of the sessions.
We are 100% responsible for everything that happens in our lives. What you send out you get back. The Universe will always provide the perfect vibrational match for whatever you are sending out. Which is why I have to check myself and catch my thoughts many times during the day or before I know it I will have slipped into negative and/or victim thought forms.
BTW - Happy St. Patrick's Day y'all!
Yup I still catch myself sometimes but I'm getting better and better at recognizing it and throwin' out the anchors. And I'm lots better at noticing it in others and getting away from them too.
Many of them think I'm rude but hopefully one day I'll be strong enough to maintain my own programming and help them to see what they are doing to them selves. If not, fuck em, I'll find someone else to hang out with.
It is funny. 'Cos 2 days ago I was arguing with my mom that there is no reason for her to hold for an old memories about my youngest brother. He is now ok, he is 24 and is working in other country. He was born very difficult it was on edge of life or death, but he survived and he is now all ok. And my mom sometimes think of it and start to feel sad, crying and cetra. Yep I can imagine what she went trough but holding for this it is bad! We were dicussing all this, but no any result.
So I understood, that even if you love someone you can't help when the person holds for victimhood. So in the end of our talking I was angry and said that I don't like to hear all about this and went to my room to watch some positive video.
This is life 🙂
I may be wrong but if you were angry with your mother doesn`t that mean you have a control issue as she wouldn`t do what you wanted. Do you think this reaction you had could have led you into slipping into victim mode.
I would love to hear Randy`s comments on this as victimhood has many guises as I have found out to my cost., but it`s sometimes difficult to sort out when we are playing victim. I knaow when I have a reaction the I have slipped into thinking I`m a victim.
All the best everyone. Jane
I think the lesson is that for every event, we must choose what we take from it. We can say, "Oh poor me....how awful that was...don't you feel sorry for me"? OR...we can say, "WOW...look how strong I am for having made it through THAT...How Blessed and fortunate I am to have learned that..I never realized THAT!!"...etc
We all know that each expereince is a lesson to learn. There are always two sides. Just like Dmitry and his mother..there is always an opportunity to reinforce the negative part of the experience (Mom can be sad and relive the fear and pain of her child's near-death experience), or reinforce the positive part (mother and child survive very challenging and fearful experience...and are stronger and able to face ANYTHING...have a special bond).
It's like those neat pictures that you stare at that are really two pictures in one...you either see the positive image, or the neagtive image. It all depends on your perspective!!
I agree 100% and Randy, your timing could not be better on this blog! We have created this "mess" and it is up to us to un-create it...as long as a person believes he or she is a "victim", than that person will continue to be a "victim".
Have a great day & thank you!
Thanks for the wake-up call, Randy! I definitely learned a lot here. I've been working hard to eradicate every bit of "victim-hood" for years now, and it constantly amazes me how it pokes its head out.
I love what Jay Fiset has to say about this. He says that victimization is the reality of the human experience. It's normal. He challenges people to admit: "I have been victimized, I am victimized, and I will be victimized in the future." It's not good or bad . . . it just is. Admitting this allows you to consciously choose to BE a victim or not - to consciously choose how to view and respond to things in your life. His book "Reframe Your Blame" is excellent.
Yup, victim 101......I believe we all have been there at some point in time, right?
So glad to be reminded that in each moment, WE CHOOSE, our thoughts, our reactions, our perceptions, and beliefs......our pain, or, our joy..
We choose what we identify with. Let's be grateful that each day, each moment, we can choose again! It is never carved in stone.
Ok. I have been reading the last few days- and getting a lot out of what you have to say. But now I have a question. How DO you deal with Hi How Are You? people who just can not accept that- Hey, Im doing great! They PROD for HORRORS. My first instinct is to avoid them- but I feel like such a jerk walking big circles around otherwise perfectly nice people. I have tried turning it around- and how are YOU-ing them, but you know what. I don't want to listen to their litany of Horrors either. I heard it last week anyhow. How do I Play Nice in this situation?
I have the same question.
Is it polite to check your watch, phone , or blackberry, and say 'I have to get to an appointment( pick up the kids), but let's talk another time.Good to see you, give me a call!'
Randy, these last three post of yours have been inspiring for me, as they coincided with some serious self work I've been doing.
The result was a blog that I have started:
Here's the abstract:
The spring cleaning of our body, mind and soul takes time and effort, and necessarily has to be undertaken time and time again. This in an of itself can be a joyous pleasure or an arduous task. The Choice is yours, and reflects where we currently are on the master-victim continuum.
The real challenge is recognize victim-speak when talking to people you may love, and to immediately tune it out. Let's face it; there are some people -- family or close friends -- whom you just can't say, "I don't believe in victimhood" when they launch into victim-speak. They're stuck in their own ruts, and nothing you can say will get them out. And if you day bring up the subject, they get defensive.
For some reason, much of society romanticizes victimhood. We have to constantly keep our radar up for victim speak...and then quickly ignore it.
BRAVO Randy!! Well done!! And this is evident by the number of responses on the blog.
The wake up call is right on.. To the degree we wallow in the victim beliefs it holds us back. But as we all know, most of us find 'comfort' there even though we REALLY know that Life begins at the EDGE of our comfort zone. I know it, but do I move out of it? So yes, I'm still holding on to the victim belief but posts like yours awaken me and I can now release it and work daily on continuing the process.
Good job Randy! I love it!!
I honestly catch myself reliving experiences at times. Especially a very recent one that occurred. So how do you move past it? How do you stop the pattern?
Jonathan said somthing sooo profound.
"Life begins at the EDGE of our comfort zone",
this is my action mantra for today.
Thanks Jonathan, and of course Randy.
CONGRATULATIONS BECAUSE OF THAT MASTER LEVEL VICTIM!!!
I live in a community (really a city with a neighborhood..) entirely up to it's "neck" in victim-hood. I take many of the words, thoughts, concepts, practices that I've gotten from / and by being proximity to RG and I apply them in order to heal myself. Protect myself! In the process, many when they see/hear it demonstrated begin after many exposures to adopt the behaviour and then show the benefits from the release from victim-hood. But isn't the programming pervasive from all media sources to remain in the pity-pot?!!! Of course, in order to prevail, I immediately try to think of the opposite - oh, yes, my mother called me Contrary Terre as a kid - I didn't realize I was channelling RG way back then. lol It was beaten into me though and for a long while I was awash in the swells of victim-hood. The many books, seminars and yes, even blog-notes continue to give me a hand up and away from that mind set.
As a former AA member, I'd probably opt not to tell my friend anything negative about AA although I am not sure I know where Randy is coming from with this. Perhaps it's the fact that you have to declare you an alcoholic that victimizes. That assume you allow it to. A middle ground is accepting an inability to drink normally but not living there.
I did say former, so the road I am now traveling is not AA approved. Still I say, I would not tell my friend who found solace there anything about being victimized unless he starts to get tired of the constant message. That's when I derailed. I don't see one legged men getting together to commiserate about their unfortunate circumstances.
I never thought of myself as a victim until today when I started to question why my business seems to be failing. Now I realise that I have been playing victim all along because it seems I've held on to my mother's negative beliefs. Now I have to find a way to forgive her, after all she didn't know any different.
But first I have to forgive myself for taking her beliefs on board. THAT could be a challenge.
We all start our lives like victims, I'd say as an observing woman, having a baby nephew in my hands. Now, some grow out of their victimhood early, almost in their childhood and some remain in that state for the rest of their lives. A big round of applause to those, who are willing to learn and a big thanks to leaders of the tribes who set little fires in others to stimulate them at any point of their lives to grow up, really grow up. If you missed it on Twitter, here's a good example:
All the best wishes to you, Randy, and all you wonderful guys, doing what you do!
I feel like a rich person because I have running water, a toilet that flushes, a roof over my head, an air conditioner for summer and a heater in the winter.
I feel rich because my 1981 olds has electric windows and electric adjustable drivers seat, and the upholstery is not held together with duck tape.
I feel like a rich person because I have a computer, an Internet connection and a telephone.
I am very rich because I don't have to punch a time clock and I am in control of my life and my time.
I am very rich because I take no prescription drugs, have no serious illnesses, and I am in good health.
I am rich and getting richer. I was not abused by my parents or other relatives.
I am responsible for all that is in my reality.
Thanks for the space, nice article.
I was actually discussing this with a friend and we as humans get hung on being victims and not actually living our lives. If we learn from what our past has dealt and turn it into a positive.I have lived my life by turning my victim situations into positive energy to improve and become better.
Victims also attract oppressors and tyrants, which is why it is called the prison planet, and sometimes even the most horrible place in the known universe.
Guilty... thanks for the insight!
And the truth shall set you free!
Being truthful with yourself is alot harder
than one would first suspect, because the ego
doesn't like the truth.
Wow just had a thought.. Emmy awards for Master Level Victims?
Abuse? Things witheld? Sure thing...
I recently set myself free after 11 years of self-imposed embittered disgruntlement. A lien of Victimhood expired on March 8th, 2009 after 11 years of "punitive imprisonment". Guess who was being "imprisoned" here...
Starting off, I was buried in self-dissatisfaction & frustration. I was the angriest, bitterest and pissiest-off goon to have ever attended college ed graduation. I chose to BE that way. And my life Followed as I attracted & manifested bitter misery.
Nowadays, I'm all about exploring ways to move forward. To grow and reach my innate potential. And my life seems to be feeling upbeat for the first time since I don't recall when.
What you send out comes back, said Zig Ziglar.
No disagreements Randy. I even notice myself doing it sometimes and how attached I am to telling some miserable story. I also have a little bit of trouble deciding between sharing my life with other people and not keeping things bottled up but at the same time not playing to the victim tune.
This is a bit off topic but I'll throw it out there anyway.
I was born a Catholic and was brought to Church every Sunday until I was old enough to start critically thinking.
Since that time, I've struggled with the Catholic Church. I am spiritual but I have never had a connection to the Church. I can't ever recall a time when I felt "enlightened" as a result of going to Church. All my life I've gone sporadically because I thought it was the "right thing" to do. I've never enjoyed doing something just out of habit so I continually questioned the reasons why I should keep going to mass every Sunday. I"ve been thinking about it more and more lately because my daughter has relatives on both sides who truly believe that she must be baptized and must go to Church every Sunday. Now they would never come out and say that to me but I believe it to be true.
On the other hand, I have recently become consumed with teachings about the power of positive thinking and how our thoughts create our reality. I would like to think that my daughter and I have more control over what happens in our lives than some other Catholics believe. Maybe I'm wrong but I always thought that Catholics believe that everything was up to God and we had no control over our fate and if we didn't go to Church every Sunday, we would never be accepted by God. That never sat well with me and I was always torn between feeling guilty for not going to Church and trying to figure out the reasons why I should go in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I believe the Catholic Church has done many wonderful things for millions of people, but, I could say the same thing about many other religions as well. With so many religions to choose from, how does one know what is right for a 7 year old girl?
I have recently been reading about the Unity Church which combines this New Thought Movement with Christianity. I have never been to a Unity Church but it sure does sound like something that would resonate with me.
Have you ever looked into it? What are your thoughts?
What do you think, can someone be a victim of a victim or really a victim WITH a victim??? weired..