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The Cause Behind a Victim Mindset

Posted By: Randy GageApril 20, 2010

What do you have to do, to release the victim mentality forever?  It’s a very intriguing question.

Because everyone would say that they are interested in losing the victim mentality.  Everyone.  But that wouldn’t be the truth.

As we talked about last week, we often hold on to, or manifest new challenges because it takes off pressure to perform.  And this type of lack thinking can show up in many areas of your life...

I remember when I had a “bad back.”  Whenever I started a new relationship, the pattern was the same.  I would wake up, start to get out of bed, and hold my lower back.  My partner would ask something like, “What’s the matter?  Your back bothering you?”

“Yeah,” I’d reply, “I’ve got a bad back.”  That would then start the discussion about ice packs, massages, hot tubs, surgery, and all the other treatments for back trouble.  And I would affirm and own my “bad back” for the term of that relationship.

But what was it really?

It was my response to the emotional development I had at the time.  Namely an inability to give or receive love.  Like most of the people in my family, I didn’t hug, express affection, or say ‘I love you’ very much.  After four years of therapy, I noticed something funny...

Once I developed the ability to express and accept love – I didn’t have a bad back anymore!  And I came to realize that I had manifested a bad back and some other health challenges because that’s how I got attention and affection.  What I perceived as love.

Wow.

Any parallels in your life?  Give it some thought and share your thoughts below.  Look for any psychic payoffs that you receive when you are in victim mode.  Then tomorrow we’ll look at some of the tangible changes you have to make in your day-to-day life to lose this kind of victim mindset forever.

-RG

21 comments on “The Cause Behind a Victim Mindset”

  1. I'll often think or say I'm too busy, don't have enough money, or am too tired to do something instead of saying I prefer not to do it.

    Learning how to be ok with my goals would be the key. Even if others do not have the same goals or want me to do stuff that don't support my goals.

  2. LOVE... the flick of the switch, is the free perfect tool giving by the creator to modify our realities, if something is making you do at that moment you are a victim of that or a person, and there is always a reward for playing victim, a very confortable place to be, but stinks because at the end, it will leave a sour taste in your mouth and soul, so flick the switch at any moment, it is free and it will happend in a second, choosing to give will make the bigbang happen in every encounter, ectasy, honey, milk spread all around we see.............it takes a second a a big courage to give up being right about something and everything.....

  3. Randy,

    I really love this post and your honesty of what has happened in your life and who you are. I have developed "problems and drama" in my life to keep me looking at the real me.

    We were not a huggy family. I have seen 747's landing at the same airport get closer than us. And as you can see I have always used my sense of humor to distance the problem.

    Thanks for the discussion.

    Jim Story

  4. Randy, thanks for asking the questions and opening the discussion on this "victim" topic. I am learning bunches from you and the other bloggers!

    Randy, you mention the idea of manifesting new challenges in order to stay a victim, keeping the pressure of performing off oneself.

    I would add I used to (and still do, sometimes) find a way to get angry- manifesting a challenge to which I react with anger, or choose to become angry at a current situation. I could then complain and get other people to buy into my anger, fueling the emotional state. Anger would feel stimulating and much better than hopelessness. However, anger is still a destructive emotion and its fruits are rotten. The book "Power vs Force" helped me see this dynamic more clearly.

    The challenge is to feel anger when it arises yet do most of my processing in private. Of course appropriate anger, such as if one is physically attacked, is best expressed in the moment through self defense methods!

    When I choose the discipline of NOT complaining, I wean myself off the attention I used to cultivate through "getting angry". That discipline goes a long way in breaking the cycle.

  5. You are soooo right Randy!! I truly believe a person's body will manifest pain when it needs to express something that a person has been holding back. I went through this a couple of years ago. Never had back problems, one day my back just froze up - literally I couldn't move. At the time I was going through some issues, again, w/my son's father. Once I finally acknowledged the pain, my part of the issue, my anger w/the situation, etc., and let it go, my back pain went away. I love this line of posts, they speak so clearly to me and it is just what I've needed these past couple of days!!

    Thanks Randy!

  6. Mr Gage.

    There's this friend that whenever I say to him:

    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

    He responds:

    I LOVE YOU TOO, NOW GO LOVE YOU.

    It feels like he doesn't feel like he REALLY lets it in, cos his response is so quick... like a deflection, rather than breathing it in and opening to the gift of Love.

    What do you reckon?

    Joy to you... and I love you!
    xox

  7. Hi Randy,

    A lot of the victim mentality comes from the programming we are fed on a constant basis as well.

    In a couple of your key notes you mention the movies and the lack and victim programming that are laced in the movie themes.

    I scan the headlines on a daily basis on Fox and MSNBC, just to keep current on what is happening in the world and I came across this by line on MSNBC: "Even as Europe�s airports sputter back to life, travelers should ask: What if it happens again?"

    Why in the hell should they ask that question? When was the last time that this has occurred in our lifetime? In my memory... NEVER!

    If you happen to be flying and a volcano explodes, and your flights are delayed, you adjust and adapt and start to move forward.

    Well anyway that is my rant...

    Keep up the great work!

    Here's to Your LifetoSuccess,

    John Clark

  8. When I saw this post, I immediately related to the excuses that one might give to avoid intimacy in a relationship. The thing is, they are obvious excuses and it isn't healthy to play a victim or be a victim in any circumstance. Be honest with yourself and the people in your life to avoid the harmful transgressions.

  9. Hi! i guess you had a really classical one there, with your back.To me it was even worse...I didn´t start to "love" somebody until I was really sure that I was totally rejected, which means the person had already rejected me OR started to treat me bad.MORE THAN CRAZY. I still say:relationships are not for me.But today I am a mother and that relationship has developed in a very nice way, with lots of love, so i finally see how it is to not be a victim in love, mothers love,though.Thanks for sharing your life with us all.And your love!

  10. Randy,

    I like this line of the post very much, and you being so honest with people about what happened and how you felt and feel now. Well, although it's true we tend to have our stereotype image over people from different backgrounds, and I being from the Japanese background, I must say I grew up in such an environment where people around me were so huggy, and love was always expressed freely. I think it is very healthy and natural to our human mind/heart to express love - the feelings that we sense when we're with a person/people whom we love and care.

    [In response to: Look for any psychic payoffs that you receive when you are in victim mode.]:
    Being in the victim mode, I think it is natural that we sense no joy inside, not sensing positively the natural flow of love coming in/going out, as if we were walking in the desert that is very dry, or as if we were forced to be placed in the COLD and DARK plastic compartment, or having a sense of being choked, not being able to live moments to the fullest. Like you experienced with your back pain being healed when you released your love or accepted it, it could well be true... when we finally learn to freely love, not just limiting to one person to love or not just to give one hug a day or a week, we would be able to live/be born free, and it seem it is our God given natural expression. Randy, I enjoyed reading today's post as always. As I login here, believe me, I intend to just read your post and log right out, but ..perhaps what you write about/the content is often intriguing to my mind/senses, and that I always end up adding my comment as one of the participants in your Randyland community. Thanks for letting me enjoy being part of this community. love and hugs:: -saachi

  11. I was really drawn into this post Randy. I'm still thinking about the psychic payoffs I get for my health challenges and my lack of financial success. I think they're both areas in which I could achieve big breakthroughs.

  12. OK, here's the deal. I am having some knee problems. They hurt at night and I sleep with a pillow between my knees. I have been to two Doctors and they can find nothing that is causing this terrible pain. Wht's up with that?

  13. Hey Randy,

    My victim role (Was) up until last month be to passive. Notice I said was. I don't do that anymore.

    I started reading and applying the methods of the book: The science of Getting Rich and to this day I still read or should I say listen to it everyday. The methods I've learned the most is to have an addittude of gratitude. Once I started to focus my attention off of what others may think about me and put that same focus on my definite of purpose, things are chaging for the good. I could write a book on the subject but thats not for this arena. My motive to business and life today is: More life to all and less to none.
    Thanks for letting me share.
    Al Wiggins

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  • 21 comments on “The Cause Behind a Victim Mindset”

    1. I'll often think or say I'm too busy, don't have enough money, or am too tired to do something instead of saying I prefer not to do it.

      Learning how to be ok with my goals would be the key. Even if others do not have the same goals or want me to do stuff that don't support my goals.

    2. LOVE... the flick of the switch, is the free perfect tool giving by the creator to modify our realities, if something is making you do at that moment you are a victim of that or a person, and there is always a reward for playing victim, a very confortable place to be, but stinks because at the end, it will leave a sour taste in your mouth and soul, so flick the switch at any moment, it is free and it will happend in a second, choosing to give will make the bigbang happen in every encounter, ectasy, honey, milk spread all around we see.............it takes a second a a big courage to give up being right about something and everything.....

    3. Randy,

      I really love this post and your honesty of what has happened in your life and who you are. I have developed "problems and drama" in my life to keep me looking at the real me.

      We were not a huggy family. I have seen 747's landing at the same airport get closer than us. And as you can see I have always used my sense of humor to distance the problem.

      Thanks for the discussion.

      Jim Story

    4. Randy, thanks for asking the questions and opening the discussion on this "victim" topic. I am learning bunches from you and the other bloggers!

      Randy, you mention the idea of manifesting new challenges in order to stay a victim, keeping the pressure of performing off oneself.

      I would add I used to (and still do, sometimes) find a way to get angry- manifesting a challenge to which I react with anger, or choose to become angry at a current situation. I could then complain and get other people to buy into my anger, fueling the emotional state. Anger would feel stimulating and much better than hopelessness. However, anger is still a destructive emotion and its fruits are rotten. The book "Power vs Force" helped me see this dynamic more clearly.

      The challenge is to feel anger when it arises yet do most of my processing in private. Of course appropriate anger, such as if one is physically attacked, is best expressed in the moment through self defense methods!

      When I choose the discipline of NOT complaining, I wean myself off the attention I used to cultivate through "getting angry". That discipline goes a long way in breaking the cycle.

    5. You are soooo right Randy!! I truly believe a person's body will manifest pain when it needs to express something that a person has been holding back. I went through this a couple of years ago. Never had back problems, one day my back just froze up - literally I couldn't move. At the time I was going through some issues, again, w/my son's father. Once I finally acknowledged the pain, my part of the issue, my anger w/the situation, etc., and let it go, my back pain went away. I love this line of posts, they speak so clearly to me and it is just what I've needed these past couple of days!!

      Thanks Randy!

    6. Mr Gage.

      There's this friend that whenever I say to him:

      I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

      He responds:

      I LOVE YOU TOO, NOW GO LOVE YOU.

      It feels like he doesn't feel like he REALLY lets it in, cos his response is so quick... like a deflection, rather than breathing it in and opening to the gift of Love.

      What do you reckon?

      Joy to you... and I love you!
      xox

    7. Hi Randy,

      A lot of the victim mentality comes from the programming we are fed on a constant basis as well.

      In a couple of your key notes you mention the movies and the lack and victim programming that are laced in the movie themes.

      I scan the headlines on a daily basis on Fox and MSNBC, just to keep current on what is happening in the world and I came across this by line on MSNBC: "Even as Europe�s airports sputter back to life, travelers should ask: What if it happens again?"

      Why in the hell should they ask that question? When was the last time that this has occurred in our lifetime? In my memory... NEVER!

      If you happen to be flying and a volcano explodes, and your flights are delayed, you adjust and adapt and start to move forward.

      Well anyway that is my rant...

      Keep up the great work!

      Here's to Your LifetoSuccess,

      John Clark

    8. When I saw this post, I immediately related to the excuses that one might give to avoid intimacy in a relationship. The thing is, they are obvious excuses and it isn't healthy to play a victim or be a victim in any circumstance. Be honest with yourself and the people in your life to avoid the harmful transgressions.

    9. Hi! i guess you had a really classical one there, with your back.To me it was even worse...I didn´t start to "love" somebody until I was really sure that I was totally rejected, which means the person had already rejected me OR started to treat me bad.MORE THAN CRAZY. I still say:relationships are not for me.But today I am a mother and that relationship has developed in a very nice way, with lots of love, so i finally see how it is to not be a victim in love, mothers love,though.Thanks for sharing your life with us all.And your love!

    10. Randy,

      I like this line of the post very much, and you being so honest with people about what happened and how you felt and feel now. Well, although it's true we tend to have our stereotype image over people from different backgrounds, and I being from the Japanese background, I must say I grew up in such an environment where people around me were so huggy, and love was always expressed freely. I think it is very healthy and natural to our human mind/heart to express love - the feelings that we sense when we're with a person/people whom we love and care.

      [In response to: Look for any psychic payoffs that you receive when you are in victim mode.]:
      Being in the victim mode, I think it is natural that we sense no joy inside, not sensing positively the natural flow of love coming in/going out, as if we were walking in the desert that is very dry, or as if we were forced to be placed in the COLD and DARK plastic compartment, or having a sense of being choked, not being able to live moments to the fullest. Like you experienced with your back pain being healed when you released your love or accepted it, it could well be true... when we finally learn to freely love, not just limiting to one person to love or not just to give one hug a day or a week, we would be able to live/be born free, and it seem it is our God given natural expression. Randy, I enjoyed reading today's post as always. As I login here, believe me, I intend to just read your post and log right out, but ..perhaps what you write about/the content is often intriguing to my mind/senses, and that I always end up adding my comment as one of the participants in your Randyland community. Thanks for letting me enjoy being part of this community. love and hugs:: -saachi

    11. I was really drawn into this post Randy. I'm still thinking about the psychic payoffs I get for my health challenges and my lack of financial success. I think they're both areas in which I could achieve big breakthroughs.

    12. OK, here's the deal. I am having some knee problems. They hurt at night and I sleep with a pillow between my knees. I have been to two Doctors and they can find nothing that is causing this terrible pain. Wht's up with that?

    13. Hey Randy,

      My victim role (Was) up until last month be to passive. Notice I said was. I don't do that anymore.

      I started reading and applying the methods of the book: The science of Getting Rich and to this day I still read or should I say listen to it everyday. The methods I've learned the most is to have an addittude of gratitude. Once I started to focus my attention off of what others may think about me and put that same focus on my definite of purpose, things are chaging for the good. I could write a book on the subject but thats not for this arena. My motive to business and life today is: More life to all and less to none.
      Thanks for letting me share.
      Al Wiggins

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