Well I’m on another European tour, visiting seven countries in eight days. And after the hotels I’ve stayed in this trip, I’ve learned a lot about how they are designed. So if you ever dreamed of a lucrative career as an architect, here’s all you need to know!
Be sure and place the one air conditioning grill so it blows exactly on the head of the guest as they sit at the desk. This helps cool down the hot heads that might normally complain about missed wake up calls and slow room service.
Never put more than two electric outlets in a room. Place one behind the bed, and the other behind the TV cabinet. This forces many guests to use battery power and helps conserve energy.
Also place the Internet Ethernet cord receptacle behind the TV cabinet as well. This forces people to move the cabinet, giving them more exercise and discouraging a sedentary lifestyle. Or even better, eliminate the Ethernet option and install a weak Wi-Fi signal so guests have to carry their laptop around the room searching for reception or stand in the window trying to pick up the signal from the Starbucks across the street.
Instead of a shower curtain or door, use a piece of glass that only covers half the opening like the trendy boutique hotels do. This causes all the water to splash out saturating the floor. This way the guests use all the extra towels to mop it up, discouraging too much conservation, which eliminates jobs.
Construct the closest only two feet deep. This way when they close the door it crushes the shoulders of all their suits and shirts. Once they realize the iron provided in the room couldn’t melt a slice of cheese, they’ll end up sending out the laundry, providing more revenue for the hotel.
Build the property so none of the windows in the guest rooms open. This increases use of the heating and air conditioning, providing more jobs for the government stimulus programs.
Put steps at the main entrance and a small revolving door. This discourages guests from bringing luggage, making it easier for the bellmen.
Plan room sizes so there is only ten inches of space between the bed and the TV cabinet, so no one can pull a suitcase through. This encourages people to travel lighter and takes a burden off the airlines.
Build the desk facing a blank wall. This ensures people won’t be distracted by the view and they will get more work done on the road.
Spec the water heaters so they are the appropriate size for a duplex. This way the water in the showers modulates between scalding hot and icy cold, promoting better cardiovascular circulation.
Buy lumpy, used mattresses from motel bankruptcy sales. This helps the less fortunate and saves money for your employer.
Construct the shower and tub surrounded by a wall three feet high and 12 inches wide. This forces guests to get in better shape and develop flexibility, particularly the elderly and infirm ones.
Also cut back on the elevators. During big conventions the half hour wait will force more guests to take the stairs and promote better health.
Specify half-inch drywall between rooms. This way if a guest’s TV is out of order, they can listen to the programs from the next room. And if the desk clerk forgets to make their wake up call, the guest will hear the one from the next room. Just this very trip, I forgot my iPod, but fortunately I could hear someone singing in the next room!
Place the rooms around the elevator shaft, above the nightclub, and next to noisy ice machines. This causes the guests to sleep lighter, so less wake up calls are required.
A big part of the hotel business is the revenue provided by functions. So follow these recommendations when designing the meeting facilities:
Use loud, clunky doors for all function rooms. These provide diversions for meeting attendees while the speakers are droning on.
Put lots of columns and pillars in the meeting space so participants have to crane their neck every time the speaker moves. This keeps them more attentive.
Wire the rooms with inexpensive speakers from Radio Shack. This way they will be blown after the first wedding reception, forcing people to pay better attention.
Be sure to install thin air walls between all rooms. This way attendees forced to attend evening seminars can rock along with the DJs in the adjoining graduation and holiday parties.
Now I realize a lot of your architects reading this think it’s all just common sense. But you would be amazed to find that some architects actually design properties with the guests' comfort and convenience in mind. This fosters laziness and sloth. But if you will just follow these simple guidelines, the hospitality industry will prosper, and you’ll have no shortage of hotel chains seeking your services!