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Relationship “Victims”

Posted By: Randy GageFebruary 11, 2009

I had some real fun reading your replies to yesterday’s post on the relationship seminars you’d lead.  Quite an interesting line up to choose from!

It was good to see mostly everyone taking responsibility for the patterns they’ve been repeating.  Not very often you will see that in the herd.  I did get a few emails from people that felt they were victimized in relationships.  So I thought it would be some more fun to look up the definitions of victim.  Here’s what I came up with:

1.    One who is harmed or killed by another: Ex: a victim of a mugging;

2.    A living creature slain and offered as a sacrifice during a religious rite.

3.    One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition: victims of war.

4.    A person who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking: Ex: You are a victim of your own scheming.

5.    A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of:

And boy, don’t those work for people who want to stay in victim-hood!  Number four is the only one that speaks of being in any way responsible yourself.  And even that one still hints at you being victimized.
So for all of you relationship victims out there – here’s your thought for today, courtesy of the Course in Miracles:

There are no victims, only volunteers.

-RG

6 comments on “Relationship “Victims””

  1. I sure know about a victim because I was one before. But, I soon found out that there are two kinds of clan. 1. The victim clan and 2. The people that listen to victim clan. It really takes two to develop a victim. The victim has two choices. 1. Find a clan that listen or 2. Find help to stay out of the victim clan. There is also two kind of victim. 1. The one that never wants to become better because they have this story to tell everytime you meet them and 2. The one that would really like to find some help. I work with the last group anytime.
    Carole

  2. I am all for taking responsibility for where you put yourself (especially if it is a repeated pattern over and over) but you also have to allow for a trust and vulnerability to another person in my mind if you want a true partnership and genuine love. That is my opinion.

    Someone taking advantage of that trust and vulnerability can create a true hurt. You could say it is your fault for putting yourself in that role...I say i would rather take a chance and open up with the possibility of feeling than stay safe and never get a real chance to feel that true trust and love that only one can get from opening up to another person in a sense of trust and vulnerability.

    To your Success
    Wesley Anderson
    http://www.wesley-anderson.com

  3. I love your list of victims. Can we add "living anything less than a victorious life"? I often think of the statue in the British Museum here in London of the Winged Victory, so much power, strength, grace and lightness. Anything less than that perhaps is victim.

    with love, blessings, gratitude
    gracefully
    Guru Kaur

  4. Oh that's so delicious - a friend and I were talking about this last night (along with patterns)...

    And we wondered what it took for someone to value quality living? What does it take to have value? Why do some choose this path and others plod on?

  5. Hi Randy, and luscious blog readers...

    I was trying to think how people could becme aware of themselves when they're in a place of blame/victimhood.

    All of my relationships are lusciously wonderful as insight and opportunities for growing - using them for reflection as a mirror serves so much in knowing not only how I operate in them - but also as a mirror in my relationship to how I work with money, with sex, with health, with my children... all gifting me the chance to reflect and improve who I am, so I can have a more juicy purposeful, delicious, awe-gasmically loving life.

    ***

    I thought one way is reflecting or using facebook/any social networking/friendship circles as a mirror is quite a good thing...

    Like how do you react to people when they post on your wall or talk to you or react to you in different ways?

    What do you respond?

    How do you feel about it? What do you make certain things mean? How do you "listen" to people - what's the story you create unconsiously or consciously in your head as you relate? Like not fair- or take responsibility for the content, length, quality of the connection etc....

    1. Distant from Fear of intimacy
    Like for instance - some people tend to reach out to those you really trust and know well, staying rather distant from others (especialy those who are overwhelmingly friendly!) - and reinforcing the fear of intimacy...
    When there are people who are very keen for a friendship/connection I'm more distant - even to the point of being cool - or saying "I can't have a good friendhsip with you because it will take too much time" (AND I do have a great excuse with my masters being 40+ hours a week, plus developing orgasm products etc). Like I make up there must be something wrong with them sometimes - if they like me.

    I noted yesterday that I have long distance relationships a lot - and connected the dots to a couple that adored me as a child who lived far away. I always felt their love from afar. And have recreated that in a couple of my intimate relationships.

    2. Too intimate - (to push away intimacy)
    Or being OTT and overly intimate with people who don't want the attention/relationship. Why that person? Why not others? What is it in his/her energy? What does it reinforce from childhood? Or what I've made up to believe about myself and the worlld? What can I do to create a balance in myself? WHere is my energy wanted? (They add to my feelins that I'm unlovable, and unworthy, and unwanted - and when I think that I become more needy, demanding, and desperate for attention from this distant person)
    Where does this pattern come from - smothering, being too much to people who are distant/not interested in me? What are the energetics like? Even as I'm typing I see my body leaning foward (normally I sit straight). Why am I leaning into this, rather than beng in my centre? Why do I completely betray myself - my gorgeousness, luscious loving, connection and commitment in communicating with some people who aren't interested...

    3. Victims/Rescuers
    When people become "toxic" or abusive - like posting stuff about me on other walls/said wired/weird things about me - how have I reacted - sometime laughed, sometimes deleted them off facebook/emailed/called and asked what's creating this (so I can know what I'm responsible for - or if they're just being insane and I shouldn't have them in my life). I think about how could I shift the energy within myself to prevent being with those who take their stuff out on me, and act out. With some friends who're shy - I kinda love seeing them act out - as it means they're feeling safe enough to explore boundaries with me - but others I can see it's a pattern of abuse, and I move on. Why can I move on with these types of abusers. yet others feel less able too - yet won't persue someone distant? Where do i loose my voice an cant move on? How do I feel about moving on - guilt, shame, upset, joy, relief? Are those emotions I'm addicted to feeling so create that situation to recreate the unwanted feelings?

    4. Clear, explicit, conscious relationships -where you both get your needs met

    Where you discuss what kind of friendship you want - and co-create it together - discussing as you go the levels of intimacy and connection and adjsuting as you go along to keep it serving and adding value for both of you - this is my best form of relationship. Most of my friends are like this. I try to create this with as many of my friends as possible - so that the friendships have realness, and depth. Who will you create with, who won't you, and why?

    I sat down this morning for a couple of hours after meditating - and wrote down the patterns all my pathological patterns I noticed, where they come from, how I've broken unhealthy similar ones in the past, who has helped the process and hwa'ts made me stumble before, and whats has supproted positives ones (environment, energy, structure, beliefs, actions, new patterns of behaviour).
    Fascinating subject- thanks Randy!

    I'm rather passionate about this subject- have you noticed?

    I look forward to attending your "no intimacy" workshop one day. In fact, I thnk I've created my immersion workship in "no intimacy" anyway!!! Blessing and glorious love!

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  • 6 comments on “Relationship “Victims””

    1. I sure know about a victim because I was one before. But, I soon found out that there are two kinds of clan. 1. The victim clan and 2. The people that listen to victim clan. It really takes two to develop a victim. The victim has two choices. 1. Find a clan that listen or 2. Find help to stay out of the victim clan. There is also two kind of victim. 1. The one that never wants to become better because they have this story to tell everytime you meet them and 2. The one that would really like to find some help. I work with the last group anytime.
      Carole

    2. I am all for taking responsibility for where you put yourself (especially if it is a repeated pattern over and over) but you also have to allow for a trust and vulnerability to another person in my mind if you want a true partnership and genuine love. That is my opinion.

      Someone taking advantage of that trust and vulnerability can create a true hurt. You could say it is your fault for putting yourself in that role...I say i would rather take a chance and open up with the possibility of feeling than stay safe and never get a real chance to feel that true trust and love that only one can get from opening up to another person in a sense of trust and vulnerability.

      To your Success
      Wesley Anderson
      http://www.wesley-anderson.com

    3. I love your list of victims. Can we add "living anything less than a victorious life"? I often think of the statue in the British Museum here in London of the Winged Victory, so much power, strength, grace and lightness. Anything less than that perhaps is victim.

      with love, blessings, gratitude
      gracefully
      Guru Kaur

    4. Oh that's so delicious - a friend and I were talking about this last night (along with patterns)...

      And we wondered what it took for someone to value quality living? What does it take to have value? Why do some choose this path and others plod on?

    5. Hi Randy, and luscious blog readers...

      I was trying to think how people could becme aware of themselves when they're in a place of blame/victimhood.

      All of my relationships are lusciously wonderful as insight and opportunities for growing - using them for reflection as a mirror serves so much in knowing not only how I operate in them - but also as a mirror in my relationship to how I work with money, with sex, with health, with my children... all gifting me the chance to reflect and improve who I am, so I can have a more juicy purposeful, delicious, awe-gasmically loving life.

      ***

      I thought one way is reflecting or using facebook/any social networking/friendship circles as a mirror is quite a good thing...

      Like how do you react to people when they post on your wall or talk to you or react to you in different ways?

      What do you respond?

      How do you feel about it? What do you make certain things mean? How do you "listen" to people - what's the story you create unconsiously or consciously in your head as you relate? Like not fair- or take responsibility for the content, length, quality of the connection etc....

      1. Distant from Fear of intimacy
      Like for instance - some people tend to reach out to those you really trust and know well, staying rather distant from others (especialy those who are overwhelmingly friendly!) - and reinforcing the fear of intimacy...
      When there are people who are very keen for a friendship/connection I'm more distant - even to the point of being cool - or saying "I can't have a good friendhsip with you because it will take too much time" (AND I do have a great excuse with my masters being 40+ hours a week, plus developing orgasm products etc). Like I make up there must be something wrong with them sometimes - if they like me.

      I noted yesterday that I have long distance relationships a lot - and connected the dots to a couple that adored me as a child who lived far away. I always felt their love from afar. And have recreated that in a couple of my intimate relationships.

      2. Too intimate - (to push away intimacy)
      Or being OTT and overly intimate with people who don't want the attention/relationship. Why that person? Why not others? What is it in his/her energy? What does it reinforce from childhood? Or what I've made up to believe about myself and the worlld? What can I do to create a balance in myself? WHere is my energy wanted? (They add to my feelins that I'm unlovable, and unworthy, and unwanted - and when I think that I become more needy, demanding, and desperate for attention from this distant person)
      Where does this pattern come from - smothering, being too much to people who are distant/not interested in me? What are the energetics like? Even as I'm typing I see my body leaning foward (normally I sit straight). Why am I leaning into this, rather than beng in my centre? Why do I completely betray myself - my gorgeousness, luscious loving, connection and commitment in communicating with some people who aren't interested...

      3. Victims/Rescuers
      When people become "toxic" or abusive - like posting stuff about me on other walls/said wired/weird things about me - how have I reacted - sometime laughed, sometimes deleted them off facebook/emailed/called and asked what's creating this (so I can know what I'm responsible for - or if they're just being insane and I shouldn't have them in my life). I think about how could I shift the energy within myself to prevent being with those who take their stuff out on me, and act out. With some friends who're shy - I kinda love seeing them act out - as it means they're feeling safe enough to explore boundaries with me - but others I can see it's a pattern of abuse, and I move on. Why can I move on with these types of abusers. yet others feel less able too - yet won't persue someone distant? Where do i loose my voice an cant move on? How do I feel about moving on - guilt, shame, upset, joy, relief? Are those emotions I'm addicted to feeling so create that situation to recreate the unwanted feelings?

      4. Clear, explicit, conscious relationships -where you both get your needs met

      Where you discuss what kind of friendship you want - and co-create it together - discussing as you go the levels of intimacy and connection and adjsuting as you go along to keep it serving and adding value for both of you - this is my best form of relationship. Most of my friends are like this. I try to create this with as many of my friends as possible - so that the friendships have realness, and depth. Who will you create with, who won't you, and why?

      I sat down this morning for a couple of hours after meditating - and wrote down the patterns all my pathological patterns I noticed, where they come from, how I've broken unhealthy similar ones in the past, who has helped the process and hwa'ts made me stumble before, and whats has supproted positives ones (environment, energy, structure, beliefs, actions, new patterns of behaviour).
      Fascinating subject- thanks Randy!

      I'm rather passionate about this subject- have you noticed?

      I look forward to attending your "no intimacy" workshop one day. In fact, I thnk I've created my immersion workship in "no intimacy" anyway!!! Blessing and glorious love!

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