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The Real Lessons from Ray Rice

Posted By: Randy GageSeptember 12, 2014

Every situation, no matter how negative or horrific, offers us learning lessons and teachable moments. The latest scandal about the Ray Rice elevator video is a case in point.

As always, I try to view the situation through the perspective of prosperity consciousness and what we can take away to live in accordance with the principles of prosperity. But what I see from most of the media, public officials, and social media is missing the mark. People are talking about the length of the suspension, if and when the NFL saw the tape, and whether Roger Goodell should keep his job. I believe in all the rush to judgment, kneejerk reactions, and media exploitation of the situation, the real issues – the issues we should be talking about as a society – have been lost in the hysteria. So what are they?

 

1) Janay Rice is in Danger

One thing we know about abusers is this: They get angry, lose control, and then invariably after they abuse someone, they blame it on their victim. And if they face consequences for their abusive behavior (getting arrested, losing their job, etc.), they also blame that on their victims. This often enrages them even more, causing them to attack their victims again. (Unfortunately the victims are so psychologically scarred, they often buy into this line of thinking and believe they did somehow create the problem.)

 

If Ray Rice stays ostracized and out of work for long – if he hasn’t gotten serious professional help – odds are that he will lose it again, and take it out on Janay. I fear for her safety and even her life.

 

If this pre-trial intervention program Ray was sent to doesn’t have some of the most incredibly talented and competent mental health professionals in the world (and likely, even if they do), Janay is facing serious danger right now and in the weeks and months ahead.

 

It doesn’t matter that she married Ray, defends him, or what she posts on her Instagram account. If her husband hasn’t worked through the psychological issues that caused him to act in such a psychotic, bordering on sociopathic manner – Janay is in increasing peril. It is vital that her family and people closest to her be by her side right now and the immediate future.

 

2) The Culture of Media Sensationalism

A lot of people are commending TMZ for releasing this video, as if they are some kind of journalistic watchdog, protecting the public interest. Nothing could be further from the truth.   They released this video because it gets them page views and higher ad revenue.

 

TMZ and all the other media outlets like them are despicable, deplorable and appalling. They make their living by sensationalizing events, exploiting the misfortune of others, and spreading malicious gossip. There is nothing noble in what they do.

 

The fact that this video shocked society and initiated a robust discussion in society does not validate what TMZ is and what they do. In fact, posting this video online and networks replaying it constantly has increased the threat to Janay.

 

Of course TMZ and media like them are simply responding to the voracious appetite for gossip we have as a society, and the subconscious negative memes we’re programmed with that enjoy seeing successful people being torn down.

 

It’s no different than the naked celebrity pictures that were “leaked” a couple weeks ago. (And about a thousand times before that.) Those pictures were not leaked. They were stolen. And posting them was an unconscionable invasion of personal privacy.

 

I was shocked by the public comments and analysis in that situation as well. Numerous times I heard sentiments such as, “Well if you don’t want your naked pictures or videos online, don’t take them.” Statements like these are no less ignorant than saying if women don’t want to be raped, they shouldn’t dress in skirts.

 

People don’t “invite” attacks because they dress a certain way, wear a t-shirt with a political slogan on it, or display a different sexual orientation or religious belief. Prosperity consciousness means all human beings have the right not to be attacked, or have their privacy violated.  We can do better.

 

And as for the reporters who interviewed Floyd Mayweather Jr. about the situation: Asking Mayweather to comment on domestic violence is akin to asking Jerry Sandusky about child abuse. The only reason to ask him to comment on this situation is because you know he will say something inflammatory and stupid. You can do better.

 

3) The NFL’s Blind Eye Toward Steroid Use

I don’t know if Ray Rice uses steroids. But here’s what I do know: A very large percentage of NFL players do use steroids. And so do a lot of college athletes who hope to be drafted into the NFL. Nineteen-year-old kids don’t go from 200 to 280 pounds in a matter of months just from hitting the weight room.   You know this, I know this, and every coach, trainer and owner in the NFL knows this.

 

People who use steroids experience “roid rages.” Any rational, thinking person need only look at the epidemic of bullying, arrests, domestic violence, fights and other altercations that happen every year with NFL players and infer that steroid use plays a big part.

 

But the NFL is the most-watched major sport in America because people want to see blood-crazed savages inflicting damage on their opponents. The more steroids in play, the more brutal, savage and violent the action is. (And the higher the ratings are.) So the NFL is willing to look the other way.

 

Back to the issue of Janay Rice’s safety: People who follow Oscar Pistorius closely for years have documented numerous outbursts of violent rage from him. Whether these are from mental instability or steroids, we saw how that worked out for his girlfriend.

 

4) The Way the NFL Exploits Their Players

I was waiting for the guest of honor to arrive for her surprise birthday celebration when another guest invited me to play billiards with him. I accepted and as we were playing, I was thinking he must be an ex-athlete. He was about 6”3”, with a huge chest and biceps, but carrying around an extra 80 to 100 pounds. We finished our game and he introduced himself to me. I was shocked to discover he wasn’t an ex-athlete – he was a star lineman for the Miami Dolphins.

 

The truth is, football has devolved from an athletic sport requiring skill, coordination and finesse, into a brute strength battle of endurance. These days, about the only guys who are actually healthy, are the kickers and wide receivers. As far as the linemen, the main requirement is to be big. Really big. All across America you have high school kids trying to bulk up to 300 pounds in the hopes of getting drafted. And most of the time they’re doing it with steroids, cheeseburgers and milkshakes.

 

Instead of the sport making people healthier, it’s shortening their lives. Mark my words: follow the lives of the NFL players who have played since the advent of 300+ pound lineman and watch how many are dropping dead from heart attacks, strokes and related issues in their 40’s.

Even worse is the disingenuous and deceptive obfuscation the NFL has practiced on the subject of concussions. Just this week, John Abraham left the Arizona Cardinals after suffering his first concussion. But was it really his first? Not likely.
He admits now that he’s been suffering from severe memory loss for the last year. Here’s what Lorenzo Alexander, his teammate told ESPN: "Playing this game, everybody's had multiple concussions. Whether or not they're diagnosed is something totally different. I'm pretty sure he's had multiple concussions throughout his career like we all have. This was probably his first documented one."

New England Patriot Wes Welker isn’t playing this week, but only because he’s been suspended for failing the NFL’s performance enhancing drugs test. (But don’t worry, it wasn’t steroids. The NFL likes those. If you notice, most of their suspensions are for amphetamines, booze, dope, or cocaine.) Welker suffered a concussion during the pre-season, his third in ten months. There’s no way in hell he should have been on the field. But he passed the NFL concussion protocol and would have been cleared to play.

 

The players association says the average career length of a player is 3.3 years. The league claims it is six years, because they tilt the number by only using players who make a club’s opening day roster in their rookie season. Whichever number you want to use, one thing is apparent: It’s a very high-risk job with no security. And as the long-term effects of concussion and other trauma become known, the prognosis will only get worse. How many guys will have to suffer dementia, depression, and suicide before the NFL takes it seriously?

 

Yet for a lot of inner city kids, the dream of an NFL job is their only way out. And the league knows exactly how to play into that. So at least let’s be honest and call the National Football League what it really is: a de facto Hunger Games, where neighborhoods and towns sacrifice their young and strong for the hopes of fame and glory.

 

The best thing a kid can hope for is getting drafted, grabbing a large signing bonus, and getting a career-ending injury to a shoulder or knee the first game they play. At least they’ll have a little cash, and have a better probability of living a longer, healthy life.

 

5) The Real Issue of HUMAN Rights

The overriding issue in all this is the basic rights that every human on earth is entitled to. As I watched a panel on ESPN discuss the issue, it shocked me how sexist everybody was. (Not that surprising, since the whole panel was male.) At least five times, someone said something to the effect of a line being crossed because of, “a man laying his hands on a woman.” But the problem here is that domestic violence and abuse is gender neutral.

 

If you loved seeing Mo’Ne Davis pitch in the Little League World Series and want to see more… If you believe countries run as well under people like Golda Maier, Indira Gandhi, and Margaret Thatcher as they do their male counterparts, then leave someone’s gender out of the discussion.

 

If Rice had a gay lover and punched him unconscious in that elevator, would that be alright because the other person was a man? Of course not. All domestic violence is deplorable, whether it is man on woman, woman on man, or any combination.

 

Making it worse, there are cultures and countries around the world where abuse, violence and even slavery is still an accepted practice. We’re outraged because Ray Rice punches Janay, but no one questions religions that believe women are chattel to be owned, non-heterosexuals should be killed, or apostates should be beheaded. We look the other way and mumble something about “respecting the beliefs of others.”

 

No enlightened society would respect the beliefs of anyone who abuses, bullies, enslaves or kills another human and justifies it with their scripture. Beliefs like that are not to be respected, they are to be reviled. You cannot experience prosperity yourself if you are actively trying to deny it to others. And we can’t experience prosperity as a society, until we stand up for the basic human rights and safety of everyone.

 

I hold the vision of a society that respects and protects the rights, dignity and life of all – one where we won’t need a TMZ video to shame us into action.

 

-RG

 

Randy is the author of nine international bestsellers on success, including, Risky Is the New Safe. He’s currently on sabbatical, writing his next book, but posts occasionally here. If you find these postcards helpful, please share them.

62 comments on “The Real Lessons from Ray Rice”

  1. Agree 100%. Im a DV Survivor and yes,he will blame her for all the negative against him and she is in very real danger. Thank you Randy,for posting and making a stand.

  2. Superbly written. 'Power over someone' is false power. True Power is ensuring Peace, Safety and Freedom for All.
    Thank you Randy for making a Strong stand against DV.
    God Bless. U0001f49bU0001f49bU0001f49b

  3. Thank you Randy. I enjoyed your thoughts and feel better knowing that somebody gets it and the people you touch get a chance to hear it as well. Best, Jim Buro

  4. This is probably the most truthful and eye opening look at the situation.  Randy, I agree with you.  I thought the whole situation was despicable.  However, some of the bigger lessons were lost on me.  Thank you for sharing and opening my eyes a little bit wider...  Once again!

  5. Randy, I agree with what you wrote regarding the NFL, that is why I play baseball where there's a lot of  sweating, spitting, and crotch grabbing, and that's just in the hotel rooms.  Unlike football players, we baseball players don't have problems with steroids, drugs, domestic abuse… oh, shit, nevermind.

  6. Randy, I couldn't agree more! 
     
    Especially with #1.  My first husband was extremely abusive.  It took him putting a hammer through my head before I finally got the courage to get out.  But she is in horrible danger.  She needs protection.

    And with #5.  Abuse is abuse, not matter who it is directed to.  Every single human on this planet deserves the same respect and rights - gay, straight, black or white!

  7. Este es un problema global y mas en nuestro país donde el que tiene plata golpea y paga el golpe y nada a pasado, eso que la consiguen sin principios ni padres responsables.

  8. Thanks, Randy, for taking such a firm stand on these matters. I appreciate your willingness to stand for right against the crowd.

  9. Thank you Randy!!!! What you have said is 'truer than true".  My prayers are with Janay and Ray through this pivot and traumatic time in their life.  I know that ultimately ... that WE all should do better!  I am committed to being the change that I want to see in this world.

  10. Randy,
    Our society just loves to label people by their action, and I see you do
    the same.  According you, Ray Rice is an ABUSER.  Well why isn’t Tiger Wood’s
    ex-wife Elin an ABUSER.  She physically assaulted Tiger with a golf club when
    she discovered that he was unfaithful to her.  In that moment I believed
    she snapped (lost conscious control due to the flood of emotional pain she was
    experiencing); however, I don’t hear anyone calling her an ABUSER.  In fact, she
    was called the victim.  If Tiger had responded with physical force to repel the
    attack from his wife he probably would have been arrested for domestic violence
    and vilified in the media even worst than he was. 
    Not only was Elin the victim, she got physical custody of their children. 
    How can an ABUSER (your word) get custody of the children?  It happened for 2
    reasons.  First, most people accept that ANY person (especially when the person
    is a woman) can snap in the heat of the moment and make a mistake and physically
    assault someone.  Second, society has made women into victims by putting them in
    a protected class.  I don’t how many times I have hear, “ A man should NEVER hit
    a women”.  But isn’t strange that society champions women protection, yet
    promotes the idea that women can do anything men can do such as being in combat
    units in the US Military, being police offices, fire fighters, construction
    workers, etc. 
    I agree that Ray Rice should be disciplined by the NFL, but being suspended
    indefinitely does not fit the crime.   What he and his wife need most is
    professional counseling, but the NOW (National Organization of Women) and the
    media want him gone, and the NFL commissioner acquiesced to their demands.   Is
    his crime any worst than Jim Irsay, the owner of the Indianapolis Colt?  He was
    charged  and convicted of DUI, yet the NFL Commissioner only gave him a 6 weeks
    suspension from the NFL.  This is a double standard.  If Ray Rice was banned
    from the NFL for domestic abuse, shouldn’t Jim Irsay be banned (forced to sell
    his team)  from the NFL for his DUI .  Both are offenses deplorable,  so they
    should have the same punishment.  Where is MADD (Mother Against Drunk Drivers)
    ?  If NOW can get the NFL commissioner to cave into pressure, I am sure MADD has
    the same clout.
    - My 2 Cents

  11. Thank you for your article, Randy. I am not into sports and all this info is new to me. However, I have a son and this is something I should know in case he does lots of sports...

  12. Right on point Randy! Our country has lost sight of right and wrong.  We have completely turned into sheep following whomever  and whatever is seen as in at the moment. 
    Money rules the world we live in and the acquisition of the power that it brings makes victims of us all.
    It is good to see someone take a stand and actually see all the sides of this issue. It is complicated  as you have noted by detrimental  ulterior motives.
    There are 2 human beings who need help! And help, right away! Ray and Janay need help!

  13. Randy - this is a fantastic and thoughtful read and hits the mark. Great job. (Your sister is a close friend and posted this on fb today.)  THANK YOU.

  14. Hi Randy, Hazel here from EA, thanks for being the caring person you are, and for sharing these insights.  Love and respect for one another is what we all need.  Starting in our  homes and reaching out to our neighbors and community ( pray, tell somebody, call the police if you see wrong happening), that's a start.

  15. Anyone can snap and in a 30 second act find them self sorry or remorseful for that act. Now whether or not his expressed that publicly I'm unsure. We all are human and born to make mistakes. I see everyone but a few on this post casting judgement. Why, What makes you perfect? Because I need that to rub off on me, I truly strive for that in my human form everyday I have breathe. Oh, Im sorry, you all are in this special class called PERFECTION 101 and nothing matter more then your opinion and how things should be, we're all just living in your world. I happened to fail that class with a F and I'm glad I played hooky on those days.. Their will always be a battle between good and bad, Toil and struggle we are born into and our job as humans are to overcome it, then we can share our testimony and teach. But I guess Some people will always feel I'm better them him or her and look for scape goats to allocate blame, because if bad didn't exsist then this life as we know it would be heaven full of peace and absence of confusion, again we are all human and should strive for profection and ask for forgiveness for our wrong. Each day were blessed to wake up we have a chance to be better and do better. People please live your life and stop judging for one day you'll be judge. Let's hope it not a 30 second act when you snapped and you need support. I don't endorse a man hitting a woman or vice versa. I just saying!!!

  16. This is really well thought out here, Randy.  Love the contrast and pointing out the double standards that exist in society between genders, religions, etc.  Truly a post that every person should read, whether they know who Ray Rice is or not (and they probably do - I watch zero TV and never read news articles online...and that hasn't stopped me from hearing about it).

  17. Randy, I'm with you on everything here except the roid rage bit. I'm not advocating steroid use (and no, I've never used them myself), but the latest scientific evidence is that roid rage is a myth.
    http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/neuroskeptic/2014/08/30/myth-roid-rage/#.VBPTKPldV-4
    You said: "Any rational, thinking person need only look at the epidemic of bullying, arrests, domestic violence, fights and other altercations that happen every year with NFL players and infer that steroid use plays a big part."
    That's a leap of logic I'm not ready to make.  Correlation doesn't equal causation, and there are so many other more likely explanations. How about simply that most of the guys playing at the level of professional football have grown up (and continue to live) in an environment that rewards them for their machismo and aggression? Seems to me the connections is obvious, even without bringing steroids into it.

  18. Well written Randy, although I do feel that your statement regarding NFL player behavior and the use of steroids to be a little indiscriminate.
    I think you are right, but I also agree with an earlier comment suggesting that the whole culture around NFL has a role here as well.
    I understand that you intentionally sometimes provoke to drive your point.
    I see the lack of prosperity consciousness every day, be it in people I meet or in governments' politics on a global scale.
    See ISIS in Syria/Iraq or the war between USA and Russia in Ukraine.
    The latter is Afghanistan in the 80's all over again.
    The first is Muslims doing onto their own peoples exactly the same as UN did in Jordan and Palestine when they formed the state of Israel. Annexing an area, driving out or killing the inhabitants and declaring a new state.
    We as a species need to wake up and choose a new way!

  19. So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs.
    - Elbert Hubbard
    To which I'd add: So long as governments set the example of killing their fabricated/made-up/false-flag enemies
    and people voting for them...

  20. ScottAllen1 Actually I don't think that one study, and the way it was framed does a very convincing job to discount this.  However I am open to your idea that part of the cause is simply that football player grow up in an environment that rewards them for machismo and aggression.  -RG

  21. Randy_Gage My 2 Cents  Sorry to say, you would lose the bet. I have no unresolved anger, I NEVER
    assaulted a woman, and I have never been charged with any crime other than a
    speeding ticket.  As for the Ray Rice’s situation, the whole situation is a
    teachable moment.  Sometimes “bad” things must occur for people to awaken and
    change. The situation with Ray Rice and domestic violence is a perfect example. 
    Most people see the situation as “bad”, but I believe some good will come from
    it.  I believe all professional sports will create a policy of zero tolerance
    for domestic violence, and I believe others will follow.   At least the
    opportunity exist for this to occur.  I believe that some people will now
    understand that no person whether a woman or man should be subjected to
    violence.  So, I would say this is a “good” thing for the expansion of the
    consciousness of the planet.

    I understand that DUI may not be an important issue for you, but the point
    I was making is that it is just as harmful as domestic violence.  Specifically,
     I was referring to the double standard of the NFL commissioner with regards to
    a football player and a football team owner.  I don’t condone most action of
    violence unless it in the immediate defense of life, and I don’t condone DUI
    since you can kill people.
    As for comparing Tiger Woods wife’s action to Ray Rice’s, actions, I know
    there were some possible mitigating circumstance – her husband cheated, but she
    did commit domestic violence and no one including the media condemned Elin for
    actions, and no one called her an abuser.
    Just because Ray Rice possible snapped and didn’t respond in a manner you
    would have, doesn’t make him an ABUSER?  Maybe he was in shock?  I
    am NOT condoning his actions, and at the same time, I am not labeling him an
    abuser.   Have you ever screamed at your spouse/mate?  Well that could be
    considered emotional abuse, and I guess that would make you an abuser.  In fact,
    I believe most people have lost it at least once in the heat of the moment and
    said or did something they regret, but I don’t believe they deserve to be called
    abuser. 
    Not All people who are commit domestic violence repeat it.  Some do;
    however, some people learn from it and be change.  I don’t know if this is Ray
    Rice’s first incident with domestic violence or if he repeatedly did it.   Maybe
    this will be the catalyst for him to change.  I have a friend who was out of
    work for 10 months, and his wife lost their last $20,000 gambling.  When he
    found out about it, he confronted her, and they got into a verbal fight.  He
    pushed to the floor, and cause injury to her arm.  She apologized for wasting
    the family money, and he apologized for pushing her.  Both of them went to
    counseling, separately and as a couple to resolve their issues.  Ten years
    later, they are still together, and he has never harm her.  He said that day was
    the worst day of his life and the best day of his life because of that
    situation, it helped him take take responsiblity for his life and become a
    better man, husband, and father.  Even to this day he regrets pushing his
    wife.
    So, what have you done in the past that you regret doing?  Oh, I forgot,
    you live a perfect, loving life.  You have NEVER snapped and made a mistake in
    the past out of fear or anger.  Even Jesus snapped when the people were selling
    and trading in the Temple.  Remember, he overturned the tables of the money
    changers out of anger.
     Since you teach prosperity, maybe you need to learn about the concepts of
    compassion and forgiveness.  A person is not his/her action.  Since you
    attribute Ray’s action to steroid rage, would you consider the side effects of
    these drugs an illness and contributed to his actions?  I am not saying Ray is
    not responsible for his actions, but have the compassion since he may be
    ill.
    As for Janay, I’m sure her family and friends have advised her that she may
    be in possible danger, but she is the only person who can make the decision to
    leave or stay. 
    My 2 Cents

  22. I'll admit Randy, as I was clicking the link I was preparing my self for something I would not enjoy and *facepalm* over. But you hit quite a few bullseyes instead. Thank you Thank You Thank You.

  23. Randy, I agree 100% with you and applaud you for one of your best rants ever. I was a member of the board of the first battered women's shelters in New York. Your focus on the danger Janjay is in is critical to understand. Without serious prolonged intervention, batterers escalate. Period. For 13 years I saw the women arrive in the middle of the night, often with kids in tow, a few belongings in a trash bag, and the physical signs of abuse on their bodies. The invisible damage was psychological and more difficult to deal with. Inflicting physical or mental pain on another is not prosperity consciousness or ethical living or right path or how ever you see the universe. Thank you for bringing the focus back where it belongs. Also thanks for boring in on what's happened to professional sports as it channels the Roman Circus.

  24. My 2 Cents  I'm glad to hear I would lose that bet.  I dont claim to be perfect and never have.  I get that we all snap and do things we regret.  But when you spit on and then slug someone and knock them unconscious, that qualifies as domestic violence and abuse.
    -RG

  25. Randy_Gage of course! Thought it was funny that you wrote about that because I just heard about it from some co-workers this past week.

  26. Fascinating as always. I wonder is the fight for human rights a fight against our own human nature? Maybe. Perhaps the only way to solve it is to ostracize and reject those that bully and beat and hate against someone else whatever the reason.

  27. I enjoy the engagement between My 2 cent and RG. The Lesson I in the write up is for us human to be fear in our dealing with one another.

  28. Randy_Gage My 2 Cents  I would agree that Ray Rice abused his wife, but I still
    would not label him as an abuser any more than I would call Elin (Tiger Woods’
    ex-wife) an abuser.  As I mentioned earlier, this could have been an
    isolated incident.  We don’t know.  However, I think there are some other
    teachable lessons from this situation.  Some of these lessons include the
    following:1. Stop judging and labeling people.  The only reason we
    judge is so our egos can feel better or bigger than the person that we are
    judging.  Instead of judging and labeling people, see them through the eyes of
    love, compassion, and kindness. 2. Stop listening to and watching the news media as a
    religion.  For the most part, the news media is a contrived industry that just focuses on
    the negative events in society.  The media puts thoughts in our mind that causes
    us to have negative feelings such as worry, fear, and doubt.Yet, there are many people
    who watch CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, and other television shows like it is a
    religion.They are
    inundated with the negative thoughts and opinions.This is entertainment for
    many people, but they are unaware that they are being programmed with negative
    information that affects their thoughts and their feelings, thus what they
    experience.  To make matter even worst, the news media does not have a commitment to the truth. 
    Instead it has a commitment to sensationalism or even pushing its agendas to
    keep people glued to the TV.  Have you noticed that you don’t feel happy and
    joyous after watching the news? 3. Anytime the masses are outraged about a national situation, take a
    step back and do some critical thinking because more than likely they
    were programmed by Big Media ( news media, Madison Ave, Hollywood), special
    interest groups, or the government.  So many people are put in a trance as they
    watch hours if television and news each day.  These industries and groups know
    how to use this technology to manipulate public opinion and to get the masses to
    conform to their viewpoints, opinions, and agendas. It is not a coincidence that the
    government paid billions of dollars to switch televisions from standard
    definition to high definition.  Believe me, they did not do it from the goodness
    of their hearts, but that would take some critical thinking to understand why it
    occurred, and most people how lost this ability.
     4.  As a society, we must recognize that all violence is a cry for
    LOVE, and we need to stop classifying certain acts of violence as less or more
    deplorable than others.  Domestic violence is not worst than child abuse, DUI,
    murder, rape, etc. but the “programmed” public opinion would say differently. 
    It appears that animal abuse followed by domestic violence rates higher on the
    outrage scale than child abuse, rape, and even murder.  If people witnessed a
    man beating a women, most of them would be outraged, but if the woman was
    beating a man or two men were fighting, most people wouldn’t be so outraged.  In
    fact, it probably wouldn’t make the news cut.  If a man’s head is cut off in the
    Middle East as a show of force from religious fanatics, most people would
    be outraged, but if the U.S. Military drop bombs on an area and kill 500 people
    including women and kids, most Americans would say we were justified. All the
    news need to say is the  military did it for national security or say they were
    terrorists,and most people accept it at face value.  
    All I can say is REALLY?
    My 2 Cents

  29. As far as labeling someone as an abuser....when I did recovery work from sexual abuse it took me decades to first come to. I did remember one incident but it was a short one and I kept brushing it off as such. "oh, but it was only a few minutes" was my reaction (I was in my early teens when it happened). Later on a therapist told me that 10 seconds was too much and it was called abuse and one must deal with it because it does leave emotional scars. So, I am still leaning toward the fact that this woman was battered and will have long lasting scars from this. She most likely has had similar things happen to her before because she otherwise would NEVER have married the man. Abuse is an addiction too. And it goes for both sides, the perpetrator and the victim. Having done decades of work around these issues, I say, the victim is usually very much attracted to a perpetrator and the other way around. I doubt this was the man's first time to do such a thing and I doubt it was her first time to be treated this way. These are usually long standing issues once a person has reached adult level.

  30. Hello Dear Randy!
    Its sad to realize that modern athletes have to take so many steroids or any other artificial  additives just to increase their performance. Most of the fans doesn't even think about it that much, i wonder what sport audience was in ancient times especially during Olympic games, when there were no artificial stimulators....
    My opinion - By hitting his fiancée, Ray ruined a career - a path to walk through he put so many efforts and now its gone. Sad truly.
    But! Let us estimate this as a lesson, warning and good reason to always keep ourselves calm and cold-headed.
    Peace and Live Rich!

  31. Wow that was some of the most amazing words and truth I've ever read. Randy I just discovered you two days ago one of my girlfriends sister sent her a link and said watch this it will change your life. Immediately it did within hours. So she them forwarded it to me my brother and my sister I law and I haven't wanted to put my tab or phone down ever since. I wish I had that money to go buy a few of your books, which I don't right now I've got to pay for gym memberships and buy lunch pails and uniform for my youngest winter ball team but believe me I'll figure it out and have each and everyone of the things my boys need by the time they need them I always do. But back to you, you were right on target with our society it is brutal we have lost all morals and self dignity completely I believe. But great words thanks . Touching thanks again.

  32. The owners have the nfl test the players they want to get rid, the ones they want to keep are allowed 5 to 6 infractions. The players that juice all juice during the offseason like ray rice,none of the networks even mentioned steroids as a possible reason that ray rice lost it. Steroids are the elephants in the room that the media isn't talking about.

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  • 62 comments on “The Real Lessons from Ray Rice”

    1. Agree 100%. Im a DV Survivor and yes,he will blame her for all the negative against him and she is in very real danger. Thank you Randy,for posting and making a stand.

    2. Superbly written. 'Power over someone' is false power. True Power is ensuring Peace, Safety and Freedom for All.
      Thank you Randy for making a Strong stand against DV.
      God Bless. U0001f49bU0001f49bU0001f49b

    3. Thank you Randy. I enjoyed your thoughts and feel better knowing that somebody gets it and the people you touch get a chance to hear it as well. Best, Jim Buro

    4. This is probably the most truthful and eye opening look at the situation.  Randy, I agree with you.  I thought the whole situation was despicable.  However, some of the bigger lessons were lost on me.  Thank you for sharing and opening my eyes a little bit wider...  Once again!

    5. Randy, I agree with what you wrote regarding the NFL, that is why I play baseball where there's a lot of  sweating, spitting, and crotch grabbing, and that's just in the hotel rooms.  Unlike football players, we baseball players don't have problems with steroids, drugs, domestic abuse… oh, shit, nevermind.

    6. Randy, I couldn't agree more! 
       
      Especially with #1.  My first husband was extremely abusive.  It took him putting a hammer through my head before I finally got the courage to get out.  But she is in horrible danger.  She needs protection.

      And with #5.  Abuse is abuse, not matter who it is directed to.  Every single human on this planet deserves the same respect and rights - gay, straight, black or white!

    7. Este es un problema global y mas en nuestro país donde el que tiene plata golpea y paga el golpe y nada a pasado, eso que la consiguen sin principios ni padres responsables.

    8. Thanks, Randy, for taking such a firm stand on these matters. I appreciate your willingness to stand for right against the crowd.

    9. Thank you Randy!!!! What you have said is 'truer than true".  My prayers are with Janay and Ray through this pivot and traumatic time in their life.  I know that ultimately ... that WE all should do better!  I am committed to being the change that I want to see in this world.

    10. Randy,
      Our society just loves to label people by their action, and I see you do
      the same.  According you, Ray Rice is an ABUSER.  Well why isn’t Tiger Wood’s
      ex-wife Elin an ABUSER.  She physically assaulted Tiger with a golf club when
      she discovered that he was unfaithful to her.  In that moment I believed
      she snapped (lost conscious control due to the flood of emotional pain she was
      experiencing); however, I don’t hear anyone calling her an ABUSER.  In fact, she
      was called the victim.  If Tiger had responded with physical force to repel the
      attack from his wife he probably would have been arrested for domestic violence
      and vilified in the media even worst than he was. 
      Not only was Elin the victim, she got physical custody of their children. 
      How can an ABUSER (your word) get custody of the children?  It happened for 2
      reasons.  First, most people accept that ANY person (especially when the person
      is a woman) can snap in the heat of the moment and make a mistake and physically
      assault someone.  Second, society has made women into victims by putting them in
      a protected class.  I don’t how many times I have hear, “ A man should NEVER hit
      a women”.  But isn’t strange that society champions women protection, yet
      promotes the idea that women can do anything men can do such as being in combat
      units in the US Military, being police offices, fire fighters, construction
      workers, etc. 
      I agree that Ray Rice should be disciplined by the NFL, but being suspended
      indefinitely does not fit the crime.   What he and his wife need most is
      professional counseling, but the NOW (National Organization of Women) and the
      media want him gone, and the NFL commissioner acquiesced to their demands.   Is
      his crime any worst than Jim Irsay, the owner of the Indianapolis Colt?  He was
      charged  and convicted of DUI, yet the NFL Commissioner only gave him a 6 weeks
      suspension from the NFL.  This is a double standard.  If Ray Rice was banned
      from the NFL for domestic abuse, shouldn’t Jim Irsay be banned (forced to sell
      his team)  from the NFL for his DUI .  Both are offenses deplorable,  so they
      should have the same punishment.  Where is MADD (Mother Against Drunk Drivers)
      ?  If NOW can get the NFL commissioner to cave into pressure, I am sure MADD has
      the same clout.
      - My 2 Cents

    11. Thank you for your article, Randy. I am not into sports and all this info is new to me. However, I have a son and this is something I should know in case he does lots of sports...

    12. Right on point Randy! Our country has lost sight of right and wrong.  We have completely turned into sheep following whomever  and whatever is seen as in at the moment. 
      Money rules the world we live in and the acquisition of the power that it brings makes victims of us all.
      It is good to see someone take a stand and actually see all the sides of this issue. It is complicated  as you have noted by detrimental  ulterior motives.
      There are 2 human beings who need help! And help, right away! Ray and Janay need help!

    13. Randy - this is a fantastic and thoughtful read and hits the mark. Great job. (Your sister is a close friend and posted this on fb today.)  THANK YOU.

    14. Hi Randy, Hazel here from EA, thanks for being the caring person you are, and for sharing these insights.  Love and respect for one another is what we all need.  Starting in our  homes and reaching out to our neighbors and community ( pray, tell somebody, call the police if you see wrong happening), that's a start.

    15. Anyone can snap and in a 30 second act find them self sorry or remorseful for that act. Now whether or not his expressed that publicly I'm unsure. We all are human and born to make mistakes. I see everyone but a few on this post casting judgement. Why, What makes you perfect? Because I need that to rub off on me, I truly strive for that in my human form everyday I have breathe. Oh, Im sorry, you all are in this special class called PERFECTION 101 and nothing matter more then your opinion and how things should be, we're all just living in your world. I happened to fail that class with a F and I'm glad I played hooky on those days.. Their will always be a battle between good and bad, Toil and struggle we are born into and our job as humans are to overcome it, then we can share our testimony and teach. But I guess Some people will always feel I'm better them him or her and look for scape goats to allocate blame, because if bad didn't exsist then this life as we know it would be heaven full of peace and absence of confusion, again we are all human and should strive for profection and ask for forgiveness for our wrong. Each day were blessed to wake up we have a chance to be better and do better. People please live your life and stop judging for one day you'll be judge. Let's hope it not a 30 second act when you snapped and you need support. I don't endorse a man hitting a woman or vice versa. I just saying!!!

    16. This is really well thought out here, Randy.  Love the contrast and pointing out the double standards that exist in society between genders, religions, etc.  Truly a post that every person should read, whether they know who Ray Rice is or not (and they probably do - I watch zero TV and never read news articles online...and that hasn't stopped me from hearing about it).

    17. Randy, I'm with you on everything here except the roid rage bit. I'm not advocating steroid use (and no, I've never used them myself), but the latest scientific evidence is that roid rage is a myth.
      http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/neuroskeptic/2014/08/30/myth-roid-rage/#.VBPTKPldV-4
      You said: "Any rational, thinking person need only look at the epidemic of bullying, arrests, domestic violence, fights and other altercations that happen every year with NFL players and infer that steroid use plays a big part."
      That's a leap of logic I'm not ready to make.  Correlation doesn't equal causation, and there are so many other more likely explanations. How about simply that most of the guys playing at the level of professional football have grown up (and continue to live) in an environment that rewards them for their machismo and aggression? Seems to me the connections is obvious, even without bringing steroids into it.

    18. Well written Randy, although I do feel that your statement regarding NFL player behavior and the use of steroids to be a little indiscriminate.
      I think you are right, but I also agree with an earlier comment suggesting that the whole culture around NFL has a role here as well.
      I understand that you intentionally sometimes provoke to drive your point.
      I see the lack of prosperity consciousness every day, be it in people I meet or in governments' politics on a global scale.
      See ISIS in Syria/Iraq or the war between USA and Russia in Ukraine.
      The latter is Afghanistan in the 80's all over again.
      The first is Muslims doing onto their own peoples exactly the same as UN did in Jordan and Palestine when they formed the state of Israel. Annexing an area, driving out or killing the inhabitants and declaring a new state.
      We as a species need to wake up and choose a new way!

    19. So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs.
      - Elbert Hubbard
      To which I'd add: So long as governments set the example of killing their fabricated/made-up/false-flag enemies
      and people voting for them...

    20. ScottAllen1 Actually I don't think that one study, and the way it was framed does a very convincing job to discount this.  However I am open to your idea that part of the cause is simply that football player grow up in an environment that rewards them for machismo and aggression.  -RG

    21. Randy_Gage My 2 Cents  Sorry to say, you would lose the bet. I have no unresolved anger, I NEVER
      assaulted a woman, and I have never been charged with any crime other than a
      speeding ticket.  As for the Ray Rice’s situation, the whole situation is a
      teachable moment.  Sometimes “bad” things must occur for people to awaken and
      change. The situation with Ray Rice and domestic violence is a perfect example. 
      Most people see the situation as “bad”, but I believe some good will come from
      it.  I believe all professional sports will create a policy of zero tolerance
      for domestic violence, and I believe others will follow.   At least the
      opportunity exist for this to occur.  I believe that some people will now
      understand that no person whether a woman or man should be subjected to
      violence.  So, I would say this is a “good” thing for the expansion of the
      consciousness of the planet.

      I understand that DUI may not be an important issue for you, but the point
      I was making is that it is just as harmful as domestic violence.  Specifically,
       I was referring to the double standard of the NFL commissioner with regards to
      a football player and a football team owner.  I don’t condone most action of
      violence unless it in the immediate defense of life, and I don’t condone DUI
      since you can kill people.
      As for comparing Tiger Woods wife’s action to Ray Rice’s, actions, I know
      there were some possible mitigating circumstance – her husband cheated, but she
      did commit domestic violence and no one including the media condemned Elin for
      actions, and no one called her an abuser.
      Just because Ray Rice possible snapped and didn’t respond in a manner you
      would have, doesn’t make him an ABUSER?  Maybe he was in shock?  I
      am NOT condoning his actions, and at the same time, I am not labeling him an
      abuser.   Have you ever screamed at your spouse/mate?  Well that could be
      considered emotional abuse, and I guess that would make you an abuser.  In fact,
      I believe most people have lost it at least once in the heat of the moment and
      said or did something they regret, but I don’t believe they deserve to be called
      abuser. 
      Not All people who are commit domestic violence repeat it.  Some do;
      however, some people learn from it and be change.  I don’t know if this is Ray
      Rice’s first incident with domestic violence or if he repeatedly did it.   Maybe
      this will be the catalyst for him to change.  I have a friend who was out of
      work for 10 months, and his wife lost their last $20,000 gambling.  When he
      found out about it, he confronted her, and they got into a verbal fight.  He
      pushed to the floor, and cause injury to her arm.  She apologized for wasting
      the family money, and he apologized for pushing her.  Both of them went to
      counseling, separately and as a couple to resolve their issues.  Ten years
      later, they are still together, and he has never harm her.  He said that day was
      the worst day of his life and the best day of his life because of that
      situation, it helped him take take responsiblity for his life and become a
      better man, husband, and father.  Even to this day he regrets pushing his
      wife.
      So, what have you done in the past that you regret doing?  Oh, I forgot,
      you live a perfect, loving life.  You have NEVER snapped and made a mistake in
      the past out of fear or anger.  Even Jesus snapped when the people were selling
      and trading in the Temple.  Remember, he overturned the tables of the money
      changers out of anger.
       Since you teach prosperity, maybe you need to learn about the concepts of
      compassion and forgiveness.  A person is not his/her action.  Since you
      attribute Ray’s action to steroid rage, would you consider the side effects of
      these drugs an illness and contributed to his actions?  I am not saying Ray is
      not responsible for his actions, but have the compassion since he may be
      ill.
      As for Janay, I’m sure her family and friends have advised her that she may
      be in possible danger, but she is the only person who can make the decision to
      leave or stay. 
      My 2 Cents

    22. I'll admit Randy, as I was clicking the link I was preparing my self for something I would not enjoy and *facepalm* over. But you hit quite a few bullseyes instead. Thank you Thank You Thank You.

    23. Randy, I agree 100% with you and applaud you for one of your best rants ever. I was a member of the board of the first battered women's shelters in New York. Your focus on the danger Janjay is in is critical to understand. Without serious prolonged intervention, batterers escalate. Period. For 13 years I saw the women arrive in the middle of the night, often with kids in tow, a few belongings in a trash bag, and the physical signs of abuse on their bodies. The invisible damage was psychological and more difficult to deal with. Inflicting physical or mental pain on another is not prosperity consciousness or ethical living or right path or how ever you see the universe. Thank you for bringing the focus back where it belongs. Also thanks for boring in on what's happened to professional sports as it channels the Roman Circus.

    24. My 2 Cents  I'm glad to hear I would lose that bet.  I dont claim to be perfect and never have.  I get that we all snap and do things we regret.  But when you spit on and then slug someone and knock them unconscious, that qualifies as domestic violence and abuse.
      -RG

    25. Randy_Gage of course! Thought it was funny that you wrote about that because I just heard about it from some co-workers this past week.

    26. Fascinating as always. I wonder is the fight for human rights a fight against our own human nature? Maybe. Perhaps the only way to solve it is to ostracize and reject those that bully and beat and hate against someone else whatever the reason.

    27. I enjoy the engagement between My 2 cent and RG. The Lesson I in the write up is for us human to be fear in our dealing with one another.

    28. Randy_Gage My 2 Cents  I would agree that Ray Rice abused his wife, but I still
      would not label him as an abuser any more than I would call Elin (Tiger Woods’
      ex-wife) an abuser.  As I mentioned earlier, this could have been an
      isolated incident.  We don’t know.  However, I think there are some other
      teachable lessons from this situation.  Some of these lessons include the
      following:1. Stop judging and labeling people.  The only reason we
      judge is so our egos can feel better or bigger than the person that we are
      judging.  Instead of judging and labeling people, see them through the eyes of
      love, compassion, and kindness. 2. Stop listening to and watching the news media as a
      religion.  For the most part, the news media is a contrived industry that just focuses on
      the negative events in society.  The media puts thoughts in our mind that causes
      us to have negative feelings such as worry, fear, and doubt.Yet, there are many people
      who watch CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, and other television shows like it is a
      religion.They are
      inundated with the negative thoughts and opinions.This is entertainment for
      many people, but they are unaware that they are being programmed with negative
      information that affects their thoughts and their feelings, thus what they
      experience.  To make matter even worst, the news media does not have a commitment to the truth. 
      Instead it has a commitment to sensationalism or even pushing its agendas to
      keep people glued to the TV.  Have you noticed that you don’t feel happy and
      joyous after watching the news? 3. Anytime the masses are outraged about a national situation, take a
      step back and do some critical thinking because more than likely they
      were programmed by Big Media ( news media, Madison Ave, Hollywood), special
      interest groups, or the government.  So many people are put in a trance as they
      watch hours if television and news each day.  These industries and groups know
      how to use this technology to manipulate public opinion and to get the masses to
      conform to their viewpoints, opinions, and agendas. It is not a coincidence that the
      government paid billions of dollars to switch televisions from standard
      definition to high definition.  Believe me, they did not do it from the goodness
      of their hearts, but that would take some critical thinking to understand why it
      occurred, and most people how lost this ability.
       4.  As a society, we must recognize that all violence is a cry for
      LOVE, and we need to stop classifying certain acts of violence as less or more
      deplorable than others.  Domestic violence is not worst than child abuse, DUI,
      murder, rape, etc. but the “programmed” public opinion would say differently. 
      It appears that animal abuse followed by domestic violence rates higher on the
      outrage scale than child abuse, rape, and even murder.  If people witnessed a
      man beating a women, most of them would be outraged, but if the woman was
      beating a man or two men were fighting, most people wouldn’t be so outraged.  In
      fact, it probably wouldn’t make the news cut.  If a man’s head is cut off in the
      Middle East as a show of force from religious fanatics, most people would
      be outraged, but if the U.S. Military drop bombs on an area and kill 500 people
      including women and kids, most Americans would say we were justified. All the
      news need to say is the  military did it for national security or say they were
      terrorists,and most people accept it at face value.  
      All I can say is REALLY?
      My 2 Cents

    29. As far as labeling someone as an abuser....when I did recovery work from sexual abuse it took me decades to first come to. I did remember one incident but it was a short one and I kept brushing it off as such. "oh, but it was only a few minutes" was my reaction (I was in my early teens when it happened). Later on a therapist told me that 10 seconds was too much and it was called abuse and one must deal with it because it does leave emotional scars. So, I am still leaning toward the fact that this woman was battered and will have long lasting scars from this. She most likely has had similar things happen to her before because she otherwise would NEVER have married the man. Abuse is an addiction too. And it goes for both sides, the perpetrator and the victim. Having done decades of work around these issues, I say, the victim is usually very much attracted to a perpetrator and the other way around. I doubt this was the man's first time to do such a thing and I doubt it was her first time to be treated this way. These are usually long standing issues once a person has reached adult level.

    30. Hello Dear Randy!
      Its sad to realize that modern athletes have to take so many steroids or any other artificial  additives just to increase their performance. Most of the fans doesn't even think about it that much, i wonder what sport audience was in ancient times especially during Olympic games, when there were no artificial stimulators....
      My opinion - By hitting his fiancée, Ray ruined a career - a path to walk through he put so many efforts and now its gone. Sad truly.
      But! Let us estimate this as a lesson, warning and good reason to always keep ourselves calm and cold-headed.
      Peace and Live Rich!

    31. Wow that was some of the most amazing words and truth I've ever read. Randy I just discovered you two days ago one of my girlfriends sister sent her a link and said watch this it will change your life. Immediately it did within hours. So she them forwarded it to me my brother and my sister I law and I haven't wanted to put my tab or phone down ever since. I wish I had that money to go buy a few of your books, which I don't right now I've got to pay for gym memberships and buy lunch pails and uniform for my youngest winter ball team but believe me I'll figure it out and have each and everyone of the things my boys need by the time they need them I always do. But back to you, you were right on target with our society it is brutal we have lost all morals and self dignity completely I believe. But great words thanks . Touching thanks again.

    32. The owners have the nfl test the players they want to get rid, the ones they want to keep are allowed 5 to 6 infractions. The players that juice all juice during the offseason like ray rice,none of the networks even mentioned steroids as a possible reason that ray rice lost it. Steroids are the elephants in the room that the media isn't talking about.

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