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Making Your Relationships Work

Posted By: Randy GageAugust 28, 2009

Every relationship takes work.  And sometimes I think the better they are, the more work they take.  Deep relationships like marriage take a tremendous amount of work.  Continuously.  

The sign of an immature person is that they run away from all relationships as soon as they take serious effort.  They are always looking for the perfect relationship that takes no work.  Which doesn’t exist.

Or at least not a healthy one, that isn’t based on enablement and co-dependency.  If you want to have great friendships and a strong union, you have to be willing to do the work.  So how are you doing on that?

-RG

16 comments on “Making Your Relationships Work”

  1. So true. Sometimes we are tempted to think that when a relationship starts requiring effort, the relationship "just isn't working anymore". But that just means it's time to peel off another layer of the onion so things don't get too stale or start dying. Underneath you'll often find an even deeper, fresher version of your relationship. I've found that a relationship can actually be way more enjoyable and fulfilling AFTER it has required some serious work, than it ever was in the beginning.

    Just a few thoughts.

    Enjoyed the article!

  2. Randy, couldn't agree more.
    It's always been amazing to me though, how much easier it is to take the attitude you're promoting and work on the relationships. So few people really do it, that you find yourself in a "top 20%" senario very quickly.

    Sometimes doing the little bit of work the masses refuse is easier than dealing with the lack of results or bad results the masses don't get/get.

    Andrew James
    http://www.andrewjamesinc.com

  3. -RG,

    I think I know what you mean by "work", yet I would replace that word with "attention".

    If you have a deep desire to play the piano is it work to learn how, or are you "paying attention" to the skills and time needed to be good at it?

    I would use that analogue and apply it to relationships.

    -djm

  4. My bride and I have been married for nearly 40 years and I'm often asked how we made it "work" that long. You are correct in saying it takes a tremendous amont of work. But my perspective I share when people ask the question is: "Don't try to FIND the right mate, try to BE the right mate."
    I believe this works in sales too: Don't try to find the right client, try to be the right supplier. In fact it's working on ourselves that is the hard work.
    Thanks Randy!
    TJ
    http://www.TerryWisner.com

  5. But Randy how well do you ever know the other person would be a standard response. I guess you have to ask your significant other. Dr Ruth used to give out alot of advice on sex and relationships but we never did hear it from Mr Ruth's perspective did we? On the other hand, Sept 25th we'll be married 17 years and in that time we've had our Mountain Tops and Depths In The Valleys and have grown together and supported each other through it all. It's that Love thing!

  6. Wow, this is quite a comment. Take work for a relationship? I say it is or isn't very quickly.

    If you know what you want and expect from another, then why try to MAKE it work? Are you thinking of trying to change a person, or what do you mean by that comment. MAKE IT WORK!

    Communication is the key, I would say, but if it isn't natural, can you make it work?

    I spent 15 years in a marriage communicating and it still didn't work. Oh my, what must one do? LOL

  7. I think that key aspects in a good relationships are trust and time apart.....space between you....so that you can both grow as individuals.......and at the same time compliment each other......like two great trees that grow together but are far enough apart not to stilt the growth of the other....

    with love Angie

  8. Relationships with customers also take a lot of work. Even with one-time buyers. In fact, *especially* with one-time buyers!

    Relationships with repeat buyers do have to go more in-depth, but in the long run (or even in the short run) they give a much better ROI.

  9. I keep hearing that "relationships take a lot of work" line from people, and that just hasn't been my experience.

    That's not to say that you don't have arguments and disagreements, but "work"?

    Nah- just hasn't been true.

    In fact, now that I think about it, from my friends, acquaintances, and lovers, and now wife, no one who I've had in my life took "work".

    If it does, it might not be worth it to have the level of relationship you do. They're supposed to INCREASE your freedom, but as a society, we have them DECREASING freedoms.

    I think that's where people lose it.

  10. Ooooouu! I like that! Attention is so much more palatable than work. And you're right...as a pianist, I always loved practicing scales and arpeggios. Not that it was always easy, but it was actually fun!

    I have actually had to work on my relationships and my current one, of 12 years, is "working."

  11. Great topic. It is true that some people do not have the skills, or the courage, to stay in a relationship when it is apparent that deeper intimacy is imminent. At that point the other partner/s can guide the person into that deeper space. When we have fears, we know that going deeper is going to shake up the stored energy and we have to face the fears, so people sometimes would move on rather than move deeper in trust.

    Now, some relationships or relatings were not meant to get that deep (sometimes it ain't that deep!), so we can enjoy the mingling or merging of our energy as it occurred, and move on.

    I think that energy attracting is the easy part, whether in business, family, relationships, friends...but it is the relating part, the relationship part that does take the 'work', 'play', 'challenge', whatever we want to call it

    Going deeper when the energies want us to is vastly rewarding. There is nothing like breaking through with other/s in the relationship to unexplored territory. Don't be afraid - go there even if there are fears. xo Beki

  12. First of all, you don't really need anyone as such. You are already perfect and it's only a question of who you perhaps want to share your life with.

    Better to be alone than to wish you were alone!

    I wouldn't go into the "it's a lot of work" thing, which I thought has already been mentioned as NOT being the solution to anything basically. That's just keeping people in the enslavement they're already in.

    How "hard" should it be for it to qualify then, be it business, relationships or whatever? No, that's NOT what it's about.

    We attract what "happens" in our life, be it miserable relationships or whatever. THAT'S what we need to work on.

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  • 16 comments on “Making Your Relationships Work”

    1. So true. Sometimes we are tempted to think that when a relationship starts requiring effort, the relationship "just isn't working anymore". But that just means it's time to peel off another layer of the onion so things don't get too stale or start dying. Underneath you'll often find an even deeper, fresher version of your relationship. I've found that a relationship can actually be way more enjoyable and fulfilling AFTER it has required some serious work, than it ever was in the beginning.

      Just a few thoughts.

      Enjoyed the article!

    2. Randy, couldn't agree more.
      It's always been amazing to me though, how much easier it is to take the attitude you're promoting and work on the relationships. So few people really do it, that you find yourself in a "top 20%" senario very quickly.

      Sometimes doing the little bit of work the masses refuse is easier than dealing with the lack of results or bad results the masses don't get/get.

      Andrew James
      http://www.andrewjamesinc.com

    3. -RG,

      I think I know what you mean by "work", yet I would replace that word with "attention".

      If you have a deep desire to play the piano is it work to learn how, or are you "paying attention" to the skills and time needed to be good at it?

      I would use that analogue and apply it to relationships.

      -djm

    4. My bride and I have been married for nearly 40 years and I'm often asked how we made it "work" that long. You are correct in saying it takes a tremendous amont of work. But my perspective I share when people ask the question is: "Don't try to FIND the right mate, try to BE the right mate."
      I believe this works in sales too: Don't try to find the right client, try to be the right supplier. In fact it's working on ourselves that is the hard work.
      Thanks Randy!
      TJ
      http://www.TerryWisner.com

    5. But Randy how well do you ever know the other person would be a standard response. I guess you have to ask your significant other. Dr Ruth used to give out alot of advice on sex and relationships but we never did hear it from Mr Ruth's perspective did we? On the other hand, Sept 25th we'll be married 17 years and in that time we've had our Mountain Tops and Depths In The Valleys and have grown together and supported each other through it all. It's that Love thing!

    6. Wow, this is quite a comment. Take work for a relationship? I say it is or isn't very quickly.

      If you know what you want and expect from another, then why try to MAKE it work? Are you thinking of trying to change a person, or what do you mean by that comment. MAKE IT WORK!

      Communication is the key, I would say, but if it isn't natural, can you make it work?

      I spent 15 years in a marriage communicating and it still didn't work. Oh my, what must one do? LOL

    7. I think that key aspects in a good relationships are trust and time apart.....space between you....so that you can both grow as individuals.......and at the same time compliment each other......like two great trees that grow together but are far enough apart not to stilt the growth of the other....

      with love Angie

    8. Relationships with customers also take a lot of work. Even with one-time buyers. In fact, *especially* with one-time buyers!

      Relationships with repeat buyers do have to go more in-depth, but in the long run (or even in the short run) they give a much better ROI.

    9. I keep hearing that "relationships take a lot of work" line from people, and that just hasn't been my experience.

      That's not to say that you don't have arguments and disagreements, but "work"?

      Nah- just hasn't been true.

      In fact, now that I think about it, from my friends, acquaintances, and lovers, and now wife, no one who I've had in my life took "work".

      If it does, it might not be worth it to have the level of relationship you do. They're supposed to INCREASE your freedom, but as a society, we have them DECREASING freedoms.

      I think that's where people lose it.

    10. Ooooouu! I like that! Attention is so much more palatable than work. And you're right...as a pianist, I always loved practicing scales and arpeggios. Not that it was always easy, but it was actually fun!

      I have actually had to work on my relationships and my current one, of 12 years, is "working."

    11. Great topic. It is true that some people do not have the skills, or the courage, to stay in a relationship when it is apparent that deeper intimacy is imminent. At that point the other partner/s can guide the person into that deeper space. When we have fears, we know that going deeper is going to shake up the stored energy and we have to face the fears, so people sometimes would move on rather than move deeper in trust.

      Now, some relationships or relatings were not meant to get that deep (sometimes it ain't that deep!), so we can enjoy the mingling or merging of our energy as it occurred, and move on.

      I think that energy attracting is the easy part, whether in business, family, relationships, friends...but it is the relating part, the relationship part that does take the 'work', 'play', 'challenge', whatever we want to call it

      Going deeper when the energies want us to is vastly rewarding. There is nothing like breaking through with other/s in the relationship to unexplored territory. Don't be afraid - go there even if there are fears. xo Beki

    12. First of all, you don't really need anyone as such. You are already perfect and it's only a question of who you perhaps want to share your life with.

      Better to be alone than to wish you were alone!

      I wouldn't go into the "it's a lot of work" thing, which I thought has already been mentioned as NOT being the solution to anything basically. That's just keeping people in the enslavement they're already in.

      How "hard" should it be for it to qualify then, be it business, relationships or whatever? No, that's NOT what it's about.

      We attract what "happens" in our life, be it miserable relationships or whatever. THAT'S what we need to work on.

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