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Loving People Where They Are on the Journey

Posted By: Randy GageSeptember 30, 2010

So this week we’ve been talking about when to exclude the people in our lives and when we cross the line and become judgmental.  Well I got a fascinating message on Facebook in that regard yesterday…

The person wrote, “I never want to be your friend, though I'm taking this opportunity to see if you've sharpened up your stage skills and have stopped degrading people when they get on stage so that people can give their opinion of them. I wish I was as strong then as I am now because if I could have used my voice then I would of told you to fuck right off!”

Now this comment is a tad judgmental, don’t you think?  🙂  But I’ll plead guilty as charged.

I’m assuming that they saw me give someone a "hot seat" at one of my Boot Camps.  Those have always been the highest rated and most helpful parts of my programs for the attendees.  We always billed them as rough and no holds barred.  But looking back today, I have to admit I certainly could have done some of them with more empathy and care for the participants.  I was convinced of the power of my convictions.  And also young and arrogant.  I'd like to think I honor people better these days.

But that’s all part of the journey, and demonstrates what we’ve been discussing the last few days.  Everyone is in a different spot on the journey and we need to love them and let them grow.  Reach down and help them if we’re able.  If we can refrain from being judgmental and instead offer hope, it makes it better for us all.

So how you doing on that?

-RG

29 comments on “Loving People Where They Are on the Journey”

  1. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm on a never-ending journey, and the people that surround me won't be the same tomorrow as they are today. So, it's definitely important to realize that we are all growing, expanding and that we'll never get it done.

    I think that by looking at everything as unfinished perfection, we can offer love, hope and positivity that'll certainly benefit the people around us.

    I guess the key is to appreciate and focus on the good things in others, as well as yourself & constructively deal with those persistent negative things that we keep attracting as they may be telling us something very important about ourselves.

    Peace!

    Josip

  2. This is a tough one for sure. I have had a friend for several years who while having a good heart, doesn't respond to most types of communication which as you can imagine, makes it difficult. I recently made attempts to connect with him again, only to experience the same lack of response.

    In keeping with what you said about weeding out those people we know that are not the sort we prefer to have in our Life, I feel that the time has come to just let it go where he's concerned. I have NO interest in complaining about him nor telling him off.

    His domestic partner who I know well has also separated from him for similar, albeit different reasons. I can only love someone who is understanding. I just think he's got too much 'stuff' in the way, and obviously doesn't want to change. It's sad, but true.

    A real quandary in many ways, but one I must let go of.

    1. Jonathan-

      I am curious...why can you only love someone who is understanding? You may want to examine that belief (or not).

  3. Randy-

    I love what A Course in Miracles says about judgment. That to make an accurate judgment, we would need ALL data, past, present and future. Since we have just a microscopic amount of this data, how can we accurately judge anything, good or bad? My life has gotten significantly better by accepting everything and everyone as it is. The cool thing is that from this place of acceptance, the outer changes for the better (according to my human judgment!) My place is to observe, not judge.

    By the way, don't feel guilty. Be kind to yourself. You were doing the best you could do at the time. And peace & blessings to the person with all the anger years later who posted on your Facebook page. Everyone is innocent!

    1. Joe,
      I agree 100% with you. The Course in Miracles really reaches out to be at peace within yourself. I believe when we are not able to be at peace within, we project that onto the other person by being judgmental. Sometimes being kind and considering oneself worthy are all that takes to be at peace and non-judgmental of others.

  4. People are in my life for a "Reason, Season and Lifetime."~ Aleksandra Lachut

    I thank everyone who has allow me to be part of their journey. Good or bad, I learn lessons. More importantly, I am the producer of my life and I can choose to continue relationship(s) or not. It is okay to move on. It certainly doesn't mean I don't love them. I am just letting them BE at their pace of their journey and they are also letting me BE. I believe we are all spiritual beings having a human experience at different frequencies.

    It is in my most saddest times when people (angels) have shown up to show me something. For example, a homeless man in the middle of a winter night asking for a coffee, I buy it, and bless him on his way. It is in that moment, I've realized how fortunate I am to be going back to my cozy warm apartment. People do indeed teach us lessons. Watch & observe.

    Happy Journey!

  5. Randy,

    I have been in those situations where I have put all my faith in the guru. I didn't like the guru when I first met him and thought that it must be me. Interestingly, the guru was judging everyone else and weighing in at 300 lbs while he was marketing nutrutional products and teaching mlm for free.

    I realize that I should listen to my inner voice and when something doesn't seem right for me go ahead. One last thing was that the guru wanted everyone to be a critical thinker as long as the thinking wasn't critical of him.

    I tell my truth as I see it. If there are people who are not asking me than I don't play God. If I don't like what they are doing than I would say they fall into yesterdays group. If it is someone I love that I disagree with than I tell them lovingly and not with malice or judgement.

    Your ego got you out of your mess and it also got us into our mess. Just my guess.
    Thanks,
    Jim

  6. In terms of me - sometimes I care too much, and othertimes too little.

    I ultimately think that judgement is important - it helps discernment which is essential for growth...

    In terms of You?

    Well - I ALWAYS want to be your friend. And always have since the first day I heard you putting people on the spot more than 10 years ago!!! I thought then "I want him as a friend for life!" I didn't actually realise then it would happen. (Bowing deeply in thanks to JMF).

    You let me have it VERY strongly - and very real.

    AND it pisses me off at times...

    Tho does Larry quote some dude Werner Ehert is it? "The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

    You point out every thing I'm doing wrong in my life - from my parenting, to my dress sense, to my daily disciplines, organisation, appropriateness, to my cluttering, and my results.... AND you challenge me to transform them.

    Would I rather have a friend who watches and says nothing... or you who calls me on my weakness so that I'll do something about it. Tho maybe that's the distinction between friend and mentor! As a friend you love me, and as a mentor you challenge me and encourage me to grow into who I can become...

    I love and hate you for it. And yes at times it makes me feel like you don't care or have compassion AND ultimately there are few people who care as much and deeply as you. And I do know you love me... AND you have made such a difference in my life... which you probably wouldn't have done if you didn't care for me. So thanks!

  7. I think there is a lot of strength in kindness and many people don't respond well to tough love. (Me being one of them)

    It's a fine line but you're doing your best and it is a difficult job. I think it is brave of you for putting that out there.

    1. It depends on the day! Sometimes the kindness doesn't work at all - and it takes tough love...

      And other days the tough love compeltely shuts me down...

      Not easy!

      The joys of dealing with a feminine wild woman, eh?

  8. Just got back from the library.. skim read a book on how to live to a 100... great common sense advice and the doc wrote, sorry all you supplement people, you eat a diet rich in vegs, fruits and fish, you don't need sups... you get expensive urine as your body doesn't need em, can even be harmful...
    And read an advice column where the guy told a woman, he gets tired of people who complain about their relationships, like why did you get together in the first place? Told her to tell her sister, either get out of it or please quit complaining about it in my presence...
    The English are deadly for complaining for some reason... I cut my mom off a few years ago when she started to tell me one of her sixty year old oh poor me stories... told her if it's not a happy, positive story I don't want hear it... you should have seen the shock on her face!!!

  9. lol love it! There is a old saying, "You can't please all of the people all of the time, but you can please some of the people some of the time" - being a people pleaser myself and being incredibly sensitive, Ive always found critisism hard to take, however, Ive also learned the most lessons from those brave enough to tackle me head on! In terms of being judgmental, that's easy to do any requires no skill or compassion whatsoever, it's learning to respect our differences that requires more strength. didn't a famous teacher once say let him without sin cast the first stone? love what you do Randy and I Do want you as a friend xx

    1. Yes, learning to respect our differences and accepting them which we often label it, "Diversity & Inclusion" is a process or a journey that is on-going. If you live where there is only mono-culture, you will enjoy the differences and the individuality and personality of each one, even if at times it could be arrogant or negative.

  10. Hi Randy,

    I'm working diligently on refraining from being judgmental over the past few days. People watching has helped me in this department. I watch people and the thoughts which come to mind when observing them and proceed to let go.

    A lot of *interesting* stuff has come up to say the least, but that's all it is, stuff.

    Thanks for sharing your insight.

    Ryan

  11. An angry response is probably due to something inside them that resonates with what they hear or see. Meaning they see themselves as needing to be exactly what they're not so they get angry - a knee jerk reaction, and in this case it has been carried with that person for a long time. To the writer, it's time to let go and get on with your journey, for holding on will only keep you where you were back then. You are bigger and better than that. So move forward and enjoy the ride. It's a lot of fun.

  12. I like to see it as reaching out. The 'down' bit tends to bite me in the butt as we all have good days and not so good. We've also all been many of the places that the people we meet are at...as disgusting as that seems. I do best when I stay right sized. That lets me 'authentically' love them where they're at. J

  13. It is not what you say - but how you say it. I think people should not judge but look at others' behaviour from a perspective of understanding. People behave in certain ways for a reason. Some of these are learned and some are reactionary. And some are maladaptive. As a matter of fact people have behavioural habits or patterns. These should be addressed in a non-judmental fashion and with constructive advice on how to break these bad behavioural habits. If someone wishes to tell you to F*** right off then maybe it is because the approach is a tad bit harsh.

  14. My perspective on judgment completely changed the day I learned that all my judgments of others can only be if they first existed within me. That it would only be possible to see in others only that which I am.

    Having said that, there is a distinction between truth and judgment. Truth is truth regardless of the way I feel about it, while judgment - well, that's where my personal bias colors something.

    I respect universal truths & I believe that every person has the strength in them to take tough love; it's the fastest way to grow & the greatest gift someone can give you.

    I've been put in similar spots many times like that before, and while it hurt momentarily to receive less than glowing reports of how I was choosing to be, I appreciate who it has helped me become. Of course, I also know now that those passing their judgments on me had those stuff about themselves too. 😉 Humbling activity really.

    So I feel that intention is where the distinction lies - coming from helping someone grow vs laying judgment to make yourself feel better about yourself; 2 different energies altogether.

    One is in service, the other is in spite.

    And the energy of the intention is palpable. You can't not help feeling deep kindness behind intentions fueled by the desire to serve - so it doesn't matter how painful the truth may be, it will be felt with warmth.

    I have never sensed that you have passed any judgment on anyone out of spite. Your deepest kindness resonates from the truth you see in others where ever they may be, the truth of who they can become, what they need to do, and to tell them so - opening up options of choosing a more empowered being. If they resist it, they are not ready for it yet. But this is the highest honor you give to someone else.

    1. Thanks for the vote of confidence. But you've only known me five years. If I'm honest and think back to the space I was in during my younger days, I definitely did not honor people the way they deserve. The writer was correct to call me out.

      -RG

  15. If I'm really honest with myself, I would say that I'm too judgmental. I see people around me that I don't want to spend time with so I pull back and keep to myself. Someone close to me once said that I have this attitude that I'm better most other people. I did manage to own up to that. It's something that I keep in mind now when I meet new people.

  16. When I think of this subject I go straight to how my beautiful dog Bella would handle it. I watch her at the beach playing with her friends. She never takes anything personally, if things get a bit tricky she runs off to another group and plays with them. She loves every second she is at the beach, she smiles and greets everyone, she is carefree and at peace. She is not worried about what others are thinking or doing, she is more focused on her good time. She doesn't sever friendships, she gives her friends space, if they want to sever the relationship then that is OK with her. She has loads of confidence to live life and I so admire her for that.
    I want what she has !!!!

  17. There's a great passage in the bible that talks about this:

    Proverbs 27:6
    "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

    True friends create wonds and tell you what you need to hear, but tells you lovingly, not harsh or in a way that's not constructive. True friends correct and reprimands when needed as well.

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  • 29 comments on “Loving People Where They Are on the Journey”

    1. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm on a never-ending journey, and the people that surround me won't be the same tomorrow as they are today. So, it's definitely important to realize that we are all growing, expanding and that we'll never get it done.

      I think that by looking at everything as unfinished perfection, we can offer love, hope and positivity that'll certainly benefit the people around us.

      I guess the key is to appreciate and focus on the good things in others, as well as yourself & constructively deal with those persistent negative things that we keep attracting as they may be telling us something very important about ourselves.

      Peace!

      Josip

    2. This is a tough one for sure. I have had a friend for several years who while having a good heart, doesn't respond to most types of communication which as you can imagine, makes it difficult. I recently made attempts to connect with him again, only to experience the same lack of response.

      In keeping with what you said about weeding out those people we know that are not the sort we prefer to have in our Life, I feel that the time has come to just let it go where he's concerned. I have NO interest in complaining about him nor telling him off.

      His domestic partner who I know well has also separated from him for similar, albeit different reasons. I can only love someone who is understanding. I just think he's got too much 'stuff' in the way, and obviously doesn't want to change. It's sad, but true.

      A real quandary in many ways, but one I must let go of.

      1. Jonathan-

        I am curious...why can you only love someone who is understanding? You may want to examine that belief (or not).

    3. Randy-

      I love what A Course in Miracles says about judgment. That to make an accurate judgment, we would need ALL data, past, present and future. Since we have just a microscopic amount of this data, how can we accurately judge anything, good or bad? My life has gotten significantly better by accepting everything and everyone as it is. The cool thing is that from this place of acceptance, the outer changes for the better (according to my human judgment!) My place is to observe, not judge.

      By the way, don't feel guilty. Be kind to yourself. You were doing the best you could do at the time. And peace & blessings to the person with all the anger years later who posted on your Facebook page. Everyone is innocent!

      1. Joe,
        I agree 100% with you. The Course in Miracles really reaches out to be at peace within yourself. I believe when we are not able to be at peace within, we project that onto the other person by being judgmental. Sometimes being kind and considering oneself worthy are all that takes to be at peace and non-judgmental of others.

    4. People are in my life for a "Reason, Season and Lifetime."~ Aleksandra Lachut

      I thank everyone who has allow me to be part of their journey. Good or bad, I learn lessons. More importantly, I am the producer of my life and I can choose to continue relationship(s) or not. It is okay to move on. It certainly doesn't mean I don't love them. I am just letting them BE at their pace of their journey and they are also letting me BE. I believe we are all spiritual beings having a human experience at different frequencies.

      It is in my most saddest times when people (angels) have shown up to show me something. For example, a homeless man in the middle of a winter night asking for a coffee, I buy it, and bless him on his way. It is in that moment, I've realized how fortunate I am to be going back to my cozy warm apartment. People do indeed teach us lessons. Watch & observe.

      Happy Journey!

    5. Randy,

      I have been in those situations where I have put all my faith in the guru. I didn't like the guru when I first met him and thought that it must be me. Interestingly, the guru was judging everyone else and weighing in at 300 lbs while he was marketing nutrutional products and teaching mlm for free.

      I realize that I should listen to my inner voice and when something doesn't seem right for me go ahead. One last thing was that the guru wanted everyone to be a critical thinker as long as the thinking wasn't critical of him.

      I tell my truth as I see it. If there are people who are not asking me than I don't play God. If I don't like what they are doing than I would say they fall into yesterdays group. If it is someone I love that I disagree with than I tell them lovingly and not with malice or judgement.

      Your ego got you out of your mess and it also got us into our mess. Just my guess.
      Thanks,
      Jim

    6. In terms of me - sometimes I care too much, and othertimes too little.

      I ultimately think that judgement is important - it helps discernment which is essential for growth...

      In terms of You?

      Well - I ALWAYS want to be your friend. And always have since the first day I heard you putting people on the spot more than 10 years ago!!! I thought then "I want him as a friend for life!" I didn't actually realise then it would happen. (Bowing deeply in thanks to JMF).

      You let me have it VERY strongly - and very real.

      AND it pisses me off at times...

      Tho does Larry quote some dude Werner Ehert is it? "The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

      You point out every thing I'm doing wrong in my life - from my parenting, to my dress sense, to my daily disciplines, organisation, appropriateness, to my cluttering, and my results.... AND you challenge me to transform them.

      Would I rather have a friend who watches and says nothing... or you who calls me on my weakness so that I'll do something about it. Tho maybe that's the distinction between friend and mentor! As a friend you love me, and as a mentor you challenge me and encourage me to grow into who I can become...

      I love and hate you for it. And yes at times it makes me feel like you don't care or have compassion AND ultimately there are few people who care as much and deeply as you. And I do know you love me... AND you have made such a difference in my life... which you probably wouldn't have done if you didn't care for me. So thanks!

    7. I think there is a lot of strength in kindness and many people don't respond well to tough love. (Me being one of them)

      It's a fine line but you're doing your best and it is a difficult job. I think it is brave of you for putting that out there.

      1. It depends on the day! Sometimes the kindness doesn't work at all - and it takes tough love...

        And other days the tough love compeltely shuts me down...

        Not easy!

        The joys of dealing with a feminine wild woman, eh?

    8. Just got back from the library.. skim read a book on how to live to a 100... great common sense advice and the doc wrote, sorry all you supplement people, you eat a diet rich in vegs, fruits and fish, you don't need sups... you get expensive urine as your body doesn't need em, can even be harmful...
      And read an advice column where the guy told a woman, he gets tired of people who complain about their relationships, like why did you get together in the first place? Told her to tell her sister, either get out of it or please quit complaining about it in my presence...
      The English are deadly for complaining for some reason... I cut my mom off a few years ago when she started to tell me one of her sixty year old oh poor me stories... told her if it's not a happy, positive story I don't want hear it... you should have seen the shock on her face!!!

    9. lol love it! There is a old saying, "You can't please all of the people all of the time, but you can please some of the people some of the time" - being a people pleaser myself and being incredibly sensitive, Ive always found critisism hard to take, however, Ive also learned the most lessons from those brave enough to tackle me head on! In terms of being judgmental, that's easy to do any requires no skill or compassion whatsoever, it's learning to respect our differences that requires more strength. didn't a famous teacher once say let him without sin cast the first stone? love what you do Randy and I Do want you as a friend xx

      1. Yes, learning to respect our differences and accepting them which we often label it, "Diversity & Inclusion" is a process or a journey that is on-going. If you live where there is only mono-culture, you will enjoy the differences and the individuality and personality of each one, even if at times it could be arrogant or negative.

    10. Hi Randy,

      I'm working diligently on refraining from being judgmental over the past few days. People watching has helped me in this department. I watch people and the thoughts which come to mind when observing them and proceed to let go.

      A lot of *interesting* stuff has come up to say the least, but that's all it is, stuff.

      Thanks for sharing your insight.

      Ryan

    11. An angry response is probably due to something inside them that resonates with what they hear or see. Meaning they see themselves as needing to be exactly what they're not so they get angry - a knee jerk reaction, and in this case it has been carried with that person for a long time. To the writer, it's time to let go and get on with your journey, for holding on will only keep you where you were back then. You are bigger and better than that. So move forward and enjoy the ride. It's a lot of fun.

    12. I like to see it as reaching out. The 'down' bit tends to bite me in the butt as we all have good days and not so good. We've also all been many of the places that the people we meet are at...as disgusting as that seems. I do best when I stay right sized. That lets me 'authentically' love them where they're at. J

    13. It is not what you say - but how you say it. I think people should not judge but look at others' behaviour from a perspective of understanding. People behave in certain ways for a reason. Some of these are learned and some are reactionary. And some are maladaptive. As a matter of fact people have behavioural habits or patterns. These should be addressed in a non-judmental fashion and with constructive advice on how to break these bad behavioural habits. If someone wishes to tell you to F*** right off then maybe it is because the approach is a tad bit harsh.

    14. My perspective on judgment completely changed the day I learned that all my judgments of others can only be if they first existed within me. That it would only be possible to see in others only that which I am.

      Having said that, there is a distinction between truth and judgment. Truth is truth regardless of the way I feel about it, while judgment - well, that's where my personal bias colors something.

      I respect universal truths & I believe that every person has the strength in them to take tough love; it's the fastest way to grow & the greatest gift someone can give you.

      I've been put in similar spots many times like that before, and while it hurt momentarily to receive less than glowing reports of how I was choosing to be, I appreciate who it has helped me become. Of course, I also know now that those passing their judgments on me had those stuff about themselves too. 😉 Humbling activity really.

      So I feel that intention is where the distinction lies - coming from helping someone grow vs laying judgment to make yourself feel better about yourself; 2 different energies altogether.

      One is in service, the other is in spite.

      And the energy of the intention is palpable. You can't not help feeling deep kindness behind intentions fueled by the desire to serve - so it doesn't matter how painful the truth may be, it will be felt with warmth.

      I have never sensed that you have passed any judgment on anyone out of spite. Your deepest kindness resonates from the truth you see in others where ever they may be, the truth of who they can become, what they need to do, and to tell them so - opening up options of choosing a more empowered being. If they resist it, they are not ready for it yet. But this is the highest honor you give to someone else.

      1. Thanks for the vote of confidence. But you've only known me five years. If I'm honest and think back to the space I was in during my younger days, I definitely did not honor people the way they deserve. The writer was correct to call me out.

        -RG

    15. If I'm really honest with myself, I would say that I'm too judgmental. I see people around me that I don't want to spend time with so I pull back and keep to myself. Someone close to me once said that I have this attitude that I'm better most other people. I did manage to own up to that. It's something that I keep in mind now when I meet new people.

    16. When I think of this subject I go straight to how my beautiful dog Bella would handle it. I watch her at the beach playing with her friends. She never takes anything personally, if things get a bit tricky she runs off to another group and plays with them. She loves every second she is at the beach, she smiles and greets everyone, she is carefree and at peace. She is not worried about what others are thinking or doing, she is more focused on her good time. She doesn't sever friendships, she gives her friends space, if they want to sever the relationship then that is OK with her. She has loads of confidence to live life and I so admire her for that.
      I want what she has !!!!

    17. There's a great passage in the bible that talks about this:

      Proverbs 27:6
      "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

      True friends create wonds and tell you what you need to hear, but tells you lovingly, not harsh or in a way that's not constructive. True friends correct and reprimands when needed as well.

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