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Judging Other People

Posted By: Randy GageSeptember 29, 2010

So in yesterday’s post we discussed letting go of negative people and introduced the question of when do you go too far, become judgmental, and isolate yourself from the world.  Now that’s a fascinating question.  And one that may cause us to question the premise…

Because I hear a lot in the self-development space things like, “It’s not a judgment, I’m just saying…”  But I think it often is a judgment and that is not necessarily bad.

If you’re an addict and you hang around others doing drugs, it’s going to be a lot easier to slip back into negative behavior.  Wouldn’t it be prudent to make a judgment about those people and decide not to expose yourself to them?  And we can make the same argument for dysfunctional relationships and a lot of other situations.

Aundrea, Genesta, and Diane raised the issue about the opportunity to grow as a person and have a positive influence on someone else.  A very valid point indeed.  Here’s my take on it…

Your first concern and even your responsibility, is your own health and well being.  If you are new in recovery and susceptible to backslide, you’re in no position to help someone else.  You need to distance yourself from temptation as far and as fast as possible.

And trying to drag someone across the finish line very seldom produces positive results for anyone.  If you think they are trying to drag you back to the other side, better to make a judgment and stay away.   If you're secure in your situation and you can reach down and help someone else, by all means do it!  That’s what makes the world work.  But it only works if you can pull the other person up, not have them pull you down.  And that’s a judgment you need to make.

Now there’s a difference between making a judgment and being judgmental, which is criticizing others.  Everyone is at a different consciousness and has the right to make their own decisions about their life.  We need to have empathy, sympathy and look at others with love.  AND it’s okay to set boundaries of what you won’t accept in your own life.

As Patrick mentioned, the people in your life are going to continually change and evolve as the life process continues.  And how your consciousness develops greatly influences the people you attract into your space.

So how you doing on that?

Are you attracting positive people into your space?  Are you the kind of person people want to attract into theirs?  Please share your thoughts below.  And next post I sharing a very humbling experience I went through in this regard.

-RG

22 comments on “Judging Other People”

  1. I wasn't sure if I should post this...

    What a great post! I needed to read that...my stepfather passed away this morning. We have not had the best relationship throughout the years, yet he is the only father I knew. He was not a very good father to us he lied, was manipulative and he would be a great father at other times...I put up with this roller coaster of second chances and disappointments for many years. Five years ago I finally made the decision to not allow his demeanor to affect me by limiting contact with him.

    After the birth of my second child, I realized that maybe he didn't mean to hurt us, he just didn't know how to be a good father all the time. I resumed contact with him a few weeks ago and went to see him. He got to meet my girls (18 and 3 months old) and told me how he always thought of me as one of his own and would be proud to have my children call him grandpa.

    Now with the news of his death I've been feeling guilty and regretting not going to see him more. Reading your post has helped my guilt diminish. I made a decision that was right for me at that time. I also learned to accept him for who he was and not take his actions personally.

    1. Thanks for sharing this with us. We shouldn't take actions against us personally - it is really harmful to be easlily offended. Darn it - my computer is acting up again.

  2. Hi Randy,

    I discussed the judgmental issue this morning and the word "observation" came up. It works for me. Observe the person and figure out if they fit into your life now, based on where you're headed. It's an issue of taking care of yourself so you can shine brightest for the whole.

    I do seem to be attracting like-minded people with greater ease. Perhaps because I'm expressing myself more fully, thinking AND acting from my divine center.

    RB

  3. Well put.......has me thinking and looking at what is good and what still needs changing in my life.......without being too judgmental on myself!!!

  4. What I find the most beneficial is showing interest in others through inquiry. And when it's clear that the person you make acquaintance with is in alignment with my purpose and values I further the discussion.

    Werner Erhard said this about Attraction during a relationship seminar:

    "People that are Attractive are Interest-ED, as in an authentic, mutual interest in Who you are"

    "People that are BEING Attractive, are Interest-ING, as in focused more on how they appear to the world"..

    While this isn't exactly the answer the question you posed Randy, I think we'll find that people that are mutually interested in one another are far more beneficial as friends or anything else, as opposed to those hung up on their own lives.

  5. Great thoughts!
    When I have to qualify a sentence with, "It's not...judgement, criticism, gossip, etc.," chances are it is just that.
    I had a conversation yday with my La BFF of over 22 yrs. I quickly realized that after I moved to TX, she never established new friends. I not only established new friends, but an entirely different sphere of people I allow to influence my life. B/C of our life-long relationship, I was able to call it like I saw it with her. After getting off the phone I grieved for her, yet was elated for myself. Not in a prideful way, however, but in a sense of accomplishment. I left that lifestyle & she is still wallowing in it. The sad part is, she had the exact same opportunity to learn & grow as I did.
    Where does that leave our relationship? I love her as a sister, will accept, approve, & appreciate where she is & will send her some great books to read. I can't allow that mentality to transfer into mine. You spoke volumes about how we have great intentions as rescuers. I have never been an enabler, nor do I rescue those who do not genuinely want to change.
    We have to exercise sound judgement. Fools rush in where Angels dare to tread!

    You are what you eat, what you read, & become who you associate with....I am selective!

    I appreciate you!
    g

  6. Inspiring and insightfully helpful!

    Someone mentioned the word observation... and I'd like to add the word 'discernment'. If we use discernment, it is allowing others to be who they are, and only making choices for ourselves. Therefore, there is no judgement/criticism, and more of a detachment from how others choose to live their lives. We discern what is best for us.

    On another point, if we "resist" certain people because we decide they are not healthy for us, try to run away or ignore a problem, that is only going to be in our face more. Whereas when we are busy living life, focused on where we want to go, our goals, and what brings us joy, we go beyond perceiving those "negatives". It happens naturally.

    Using the example of the addict and two opposing mindsets- "not doing it/being around it" vs. "living a full, joyful and healthy life". The later mindset will lead to activities that support that- setting goals that support that focus, so the addict is busy without other addicts because they are naturally doing different activities. Even though there is a choice or "judgement" to not hang around with the other addicts, it comes from a different place and isn't the primary focus.

    Just some thoughts I had...

  7. Randy,

    Yet another great post! I think when I look at judgement, I think I judge the activity more then the person doing the activity.

    If someone is doing something I find inappropriate, I will distance myself from that person because of the activity but I will always remain open to that person if they are open to suggestions on changing that inappropriate activity.

    I will not interject myself into their business unless they are in grave danger.

    "A person convinced against their will, is of the same opinion still."

    And being imperfect myself, who am I to judge the person. Activity yes... Person... NO!

    Keep up the great work!

    Here's to Your LifetoSuccess,

    John Clark

  8. Randy, thanks! Now I understand how I should proceed. So not feel guilty, but also to avoid being drag by the negativity. Thanks to network marketing, I could meet people like you, and I am studying more about the philosophy to be positive. As heard once, it is important that I become strong, very strong, to help someone who is all negative. As I am new in this area, yet, I have not enough strength to deal with these people and I can’t drag them to realize a better way. I must get strong myself first, before wanting to help! Now I understand that choosing people to be with is not bad at all. And the good thing is that, there is a lot of people in the word how wants to live this way. Thank you very much. Hugs, Gabe Suarez
    PD: sorry if my inglish is not very good, I am learning, 🙂

  9. I've been really working at being selfish. I've had to work at doing so as I was brought up that I need to help every one any time I can. So I started to look after myself and then my family and guess what we are happier! A direct product of selfishness! So I keep focusing on us and I can't say I have yet to achieve financial independence but I now have 2 friends and 2 close acquaintances who have. I did not look for them, they found me.

    I found the first thing I had to do was make judgement calls on who and what I was giving my time to. Then I realized I needed to stop judging others, using my set of values to evaluate them. Next was the fact that I needed to no longer listen to others regarding how they perceived what I did as it was their judgement of me and in no way would have an impact on me unless I let them.

    I only have my life to live and it is mine to do with as I please. Fortunately the people who now want me around do so because they want to furthar themselves and that benefits all of us. We are the producers in the world not the leeches.

  10. I think that making a choice or decision is more appropriate than making a judgement. Judgement is not something any of us are entitled to unless our name is God. Making the right choices, based on the circumstance, is how I try torespond. Judgement is a reaction emotion. Choice is a controlled response. I would much prefer to respond than to react in any situation I am faced with. If we are choosing to judge, then we need to look in the mirror because it's telling something about ourselves that we need to learn.

  11. I feel good about the people in my life and they say and behave as though they feel the same about me. It's a good thing. The tao of gratitude and respect. Somewhere in the Universe, Lao Tzu is smiling.

    To avoid judgements, I separate people from their behaviors. If someone displays behaviors that I feel good about, cool. If not, I wish them well, recognize that they are doing their best, and move onwards.

    After all, I'm doing my best too, even though sometimes it's not very impressive. I've eaten my share of humble pie. Although bitter, it's a taste that sticks with a person. Humility is a great trait.

    I continue to do my best to enjoy the life experience. Every trip around the Sun provides me with the opportunity to grow the forest of relationships of which I am a part. Occasionally
    there are brambles, but they never stop me from smelling the roses.

    Thanks to everybody for sharing their thoughts. Thank you, Randy, for the mention about yesterday's post. Gratitude to you all.

  12. I was at a convention recently and when speakers were announced and walked onto the stage I noticed that a lot of the same people stood and acknowledged each speaker - every time. There were many others however who stood a few times and then stayed seated thereafter.
    I observed a greater number of people standing in acknowledgement on the second day and I also later learned that those who stood every time on the first day were in fact among the most successful in what they do.
    Talk about attracting people into their space. Brilliant!

  13. This is a really important subject. Learning how to deal with family members and close friends who have the potential to hurt you and be toxic is very challenging. I found this helpful and I think this is a big area you can help us with further Randy.

  14. I look at every person in this way: are you expressing love? or calling for love? when someone is calling for love, they need warm thoughts not cold prickly thoughts. When someone is expressing love, bask in that warmth.

  15. Great post Randy! I have tried to rescue people in the past thinking I could help them to only end up in a worse state then them. It's like the guy who says, I'm a Christian and I'm going to hang out in bars, because Jesus did. Only to forget that Jesus may have hung out in bars, but didn't drink with everyone, or at least get wasted.

  16. Ever since I got into personal development, I've been very conscious on who I choose as my friend and who I socialize with. Cos if I want my thinking and my mindset to be right and positive, I better watch those I mingle with or they could influence me badly, and that is something I don't want.

    I'm the captain of my life now, and I'm choosing the best that I can for it.

  17. You can observe an individual behavior. If the person behaviors is not congruent with yours, you can limit your time around those people. You can do it in a respectful way.

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  • 22 comments on “Judging Other People”

    1. I wasn't sure if I should post this...

      What a great post! I needed to read that...my stepfather passed away this morning. We have not had the best relationship throughout the years, yet he is the only father I knew. He was not a very good father to us he lied, was manipulative and he would be a great father at other times...I put up with this roller coaster of second chances and disappointments for many years. Five years ago I finally made the decision to not allow his demeanor to affect me by limiting contact with him.

      After the birth of my second child, I realized that maybe he didn't mean to hurt us, he just didn't know how to be a good father all the time. I resumed contact with him a few weeks ago and went to see him. He got to meet my girls (18 and 3 months old) and told me how he always thought of me as one of his own and would be proud to have my children call him grandpa.

      Now with the news of his death I've been feeling guilty and regretting not going to see him more. Reading your post has helped my guilt diminish. I made a decision that was right for me at that time. I also learned to accept him for who he was and not take his actions personally.

      1. Thanks for sharing this with us. We shouldn't take actions against us personally - it is really harmful to be easlily offended. Darn it - my computer is acting up again.

    2. Hi Randy,

      I discussed the judgmental issue this morning and the word "observation" came up. It works for me. Observe the person and figure out if they fit into your life now, based on where you're headed. It's an issue of taking care of yourself so you can shine brightest for the whole.

      I do seem to be attracting like-minded people with greater ease. Perhaps because I'm expressing myself more fully, thinking AND acting from my divine center.

      RB

    3. Well put.......has me thinking and looking at what is good and what still needs changing in my life.......without being too judgmental on myself!!!

    4. What I find the most beneficial is showing interest in others through inquiry. And when it's clear that the person you make acquaintance with is in alignment with my purpose and values I further the discussion.

      Werner Erhard said this about Attraction during a relationship seminar:

      "People that are Attractive are Interest-ED, as in an authentic, mutual interest in Who you are"

      "People that are BEING Attractive, are Interest-ING, as in focused more on how they appear to the world"..

      While this isn't exactly the answer the question you posed Randy, I think we'll find that people that are mutually interested in one another are far more beneficial as friends or anything else, as opposed to those hung up on their own lives.

    5. Great thoughts!
      When I have to qualify a sentence with, "It's not...judgement, criticism, gossip, etc.," chances are it is just that.
      I had a conversation yday with my La BFF of over 22 yrs. I quickly realized that after I moved to TX, she never established new friends. I not only established new friends, but an entirely different sphere of people I allow to influence my life. B/C of our life-long relationship, I was able to call it like I saw it with her. After getting off the phone I grieved for her, yet was elated for myself. Not in a prideful way, however, but in a sense of accomplishment. I left that lifestyle & she is still wallowing in it. The sad part is, she had the exact same opportunity to learn & grow as I did.
      Where does that leave our relationship? I love her as a sister, will accept, approve, & appreciate where she is & will send her some great books to read. I can't allow that mentality to transfer into mine. You spoke volumes about how we have great intentions as rescuers. I have never been an enabler, nor do I rescue those who do not genuinely want to change.
      We have to exercise sound judgement. Fools rush in where Angels dare to tread!

      You are what you eat, what you read, & become who you associate with....I am selective!

      I appreciate you!
      g

    6. Inspiring and insightfully helpful!

      Someone mentioned the word observation... and I'd like to add the word 'discernment'. If we use discernment, it is allowing others to be who they are, and only making choices for ourselves. Therefore, there is no judgement/criticism, and more of a detachment from how others choose to live their lives. We discern what is best for us.

      On another point, if we "resist" certain people because we decide they are not healthy for us, try to run away or ignore a problem, that is only going to be in our face more. Whereas when we are busy living life, focused on where we want to go, our goals, and what brings us joy, we go beyond perceiving those "negatives". It happens naturally.

      Using the example of the addict and two opposing mindsets- "not doing it/being around it" vs. "living a full, joyful and healthy life". The later mindset will lead to activities that support that- setting goals that support that focus, so the addict is busy without other addicts because they are naturally doing different activities. Even though there is a choice or "judgement" to not hang around with the other addicts, it comes from a different place and isn't the primary focus.

      Just some thoughts I had...

    7. Randy,

      Yet another great post! I think when I look at judgement, I think I judge the activity more then the person doing the activity.

      If someone is doing something I find inappropriate, I will distance myself from that person because of the activity but I will always remain open to that person if they are open to suggestions on changing that inappropriate activity.

      I will not interject myself into their business unless they are in grave danger.

      "A person convinced against their will, is of the same opinion still."

      And being imperfect myself, who am I to judge the person. Activity yes... Person... NO!

      Keep up the great work!

      Here's to Your LifetoSuccess,

      John Clark

    8. Randy, thanks! Now I understand how I should proceed. So not feel guilty, but also to avoid being drag by the negativity. Thanks to network marketing, I could meet people like you, and I am studying more about the philosophy to be positive. As heard once, it is important that I become strong, very strong, to help someone who is all negative. As I am new in this area, yet, I have not enough strength to deal with these people and I can’t drag them to realize a better way. I must get strong myself first, before wanting to help! Now I understand that choosing people to be with is not bad at all. And the good thing is that, there is a lot of people in the word how wants to live this way. Thank you very much. Hugs, Gabe Suarez
      PD: sorry if my inglish is not very good, I am learning, 🙂

    9. I've been really working at being selfish. I've had to work at doing so as I was brought up that I need to help every one any time I can. So I started to look after myself and then my family and guess what we are happier! A direct product of selfishness! So I keep focusing on us and I can't say I have yet to achieve financial independence but I now have 2 friends and 2 close acquaintances who have. I did not look for them, they found me.

      I found the first thing I had to do was make judgement calls on who and what I was giving my time to. Then I realized I needed to stop judging others, using my set of values to evaluate them. Next was the fact that I needed to no longer listen to others regarding how they perceived what I did as it was their judgement of me and in no way would have an impact on me unless I let them.

      I only have my life to live and it is mine to do with as I please. Fortunately the people who now want me around do so because they want to furthar themselves and that benefits all of us. We are the producers in the world not the leeches.

    10. I think that making a choice or decision is more appropriate than making a judgement. Judgement is not something any of us are entitled to unless our name is God. Making the right choices, based on the circumstance, is how I try torespond. Judgement is a reaction emotion. Choice is a controlled response. I would much prefer to respond than to react in any situation I am faced with. If we are choosing to judge, then we need to look in the mirror because it's telling something about ourselves that we need to learn.

    11. I feel good about the people in my life and they say and behave as though they feel the same about me. It's a good thing. The tao of gratitude and respect. Somewhere in the Universe, Lao Tzu is smiling.

      To avoid judgements, I separate people from their behaviors. If someone displays behaviors that I feel good about, cool. If not, I wish them well, recognize that they are doing their best, and move onwards.

      After all, I'm doing my best too, even though sometimes it's not very impressive. I've eaten my share of humble pie. Although bitter, it's a taste that sticks with a person. Humility is a great trait.

      I continue to do my best to enjoy the life experience. Every trip around the Sun provides me with the opportunity to grow the forest of relationships of which I am a part. Occasionally
      there are brambles, but they never stop me from smelling the roses.

      Thanks to everybody for sharing their thoughts. Thank you, Randy, for the mention about yesterday's post. Gratitude to you all.

    12. I was at a convention recently and when speakers were announced and walked onto the stage I noticed that a lot of the same people stood and acknowledged each speaker - every time. There were many others however who stood a few times and then stayed seated thereafter.
      I observed a greater number of people standing in acknowledgement on the second day and I also later learned that those who stood every time on the first day were in fact among the most successful in what they do.
      Talk about attracting people into their space. Brilliant!

    13. This is a really important subject. Learning how to deal with family members and close friends who have the potential to hurt you and be toxic is very challenging. I found this helpful and I think this is a big area you can help us with further Randy.

    14. I look at every person in this way: are you expressing love? or calling for love? when someone is calling for love, they need warm thoughts not cold prickly thoughts. When someone is expressing love, bask in that warmth.

    15. Great post Randy! I have tried to rescue people in the past thinking I could help them to only end up in a worse state then them. It's like the guy who says, I'm a Christian and I'm going to hang out in bars, because Jesus did. Only to forget that Jesus may have hung out in bars, but didn't drink with everyone, or at least get wasted.

    16. Ever since I got into personal development, I've been very conscious on who I choose as my friend and who I socialize with. Cos if I want my thinking and my mindset to be right and positive, I better watch those I mingle with or they could influence me badly, and that is something I don't want.

      I'm the captain of my life now, and I'm choosing the best that I can for it.

    17. You can observe an individual behavior. If the person behaviors is not congruent with yours, you can limit your time around those people. You can do it in a respectful way.

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