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Being a Victim in Bad Relationships

Posted By: Randy GageApril 26, 2010

Last week we looked at ways we may feed our victim mentality by staying sick or broke.  Do you think you could do the same thing to threaten a healthy relationship?   Or prevent you from ever getting one?  

Well let me ask...

If you’re single, do you have a daunting list of qualifications that make it impossible for a human to qualify?

Guys - does having a “cold, frigid wife,” a “bitch ex-wife,” or jealous controlling girlfriend (or all three!) fit perfectly into your martyr identity?  And ladies, how often are you affirming that all the good guys are Gay or married?  That’s funny because the Gay guys are saying that all the good guys are straight.

And if you are in a dysfunctional relationship, is it really all the other person’s fault like you maintain?  How many of the negatives in your relationship are exact parallels of the pattern you witnessed with your parents?  And have you repeated the same negative relationship five or six different time, just with different people?

Do you have single friends who get jealous when you are happily seeing someone?  What effect might this have on your prospects of a long-term happy relationship?

Do you regale your friends with stories of past injustices from previous relationships?  Do you have a “support group” of friends who console you every time you get abused, dumped, or stood up?  If so, how much of your identity is tied into this?

In other words, does having unhappy and unhealthy relationships fulfill your vision of yourself as a noble victim?  And don’t just focus on your spouse, or lack of one.  What about your relationships with your family and close friends?

Please spend some time doing some critical thinking on this and the things we discussed last week and share your thoughts below.

Perhaps you have good relationships, but aren’t wealthy.  Maybe you’ve got a lot of money, but poor health.  Evaluate all the areas of your life, and see if you are subconsciously holding on to victim-hood in any way.  It’s the first step to limitless abundance!

-RG

14 comments on “Being a Victim in Bad Relationships”

  1. I understand playing he victim role. I can honestly say I play the victim. knowing I am indeed a victim of mental abuse but now seeing that I must be getting some kind of a payoff because I stay in the relationship. I saw it coming yet ignored the signs. I've said to myself "I never asked for this" yet indeed I did. I do not like the relationship. I am tired of the constant cruelty and lack of regard to my health and mental well being. I myself have become medicated to deal with the anxieties that I have developed during this relationship. How far do you continue in a relationship when u are the only one doing things to make positive change. All the while you are met with defensive behavior. I should not have to "cope" with a relationship.

  2. Randy,
    What a great post and funny too. Once upon a time I had the committee to re-elect the martyr at beck and call. The price I paid for that is that I was also on the other end for their victimhood.

    My life felt a little like groundhog day. It was always the same thing over and over again. And of course their are those stories that re told ad nauseum. I took a class where we had to tell a story about that something that bothered us in the 3rd person. So "When you yelled at me Jim was very upset...took away all the drama."

    I let my family manipulate, verbally abuse and withhold love as punishment for not playing their way. That is how they operate not how I do. These are tests to see if my walk is aligned with my talk. Not for me to sing the closing number of "Funny Girl" daily.

    I really laughed about what the women say about the available men and the gay guys saying the converse. Somewhere just on the outskirts of Wilton Manors there has to 3 guys who could make everyone happy.
    Thanks,
    Jim

  3. LOL. Not sure about the good/ married guys, but most of the hot guys ARE gay, or questionably so. LOL.

    Anyway I say that really in jest because I'm not interested in having a romantic relationship at this point in my life but when I was in relationships, I never really thought that all the good guys are gay or married. My guys were pretty great people. I was the problem most of the time.

    Because on hindsight, and some remorse (some) - I realized that I can and DID make them out to be monsters just to feed my own victim stories. Now I'm just concentrating on becoming a better me, because it truly ain't fair for me to torture someone else again because of my own stuff. Cool post, wish I read it 10 years earlier tho! Thanks! 😉

  4. Randy you just raised my awareness! Thank you for that. There are so many ways that we can think of ourselves as victims and it is necessary to watch out for that and to put a stop to it.

    God doesn't want us to think that way. Our dignity, if we identify ourselves with Him, is whole.

    **Jeannie

  5. Randy, these are some really great points and reminders.

    We can't control other people all we can control is our response to them. Making sure we're responding appropriately is our personal responsibility.

    "How many of the negatives in your relationship are exact parallels of the pattern you witnessed with your parents? And have you repeated the same negative relationship five or six different time, just with different people?"

    This really spoke to me. I come from parents who are in a co-dependent relationship and have only recently realized that I am in an almost identical one. This shocked and appalled me considering I went into marriage so determined to never be my parents!

    It's time to be responsible for my part of this and to get the help I need to change these patterns!

    Thanks for addressing this issue!

  6. I've never commented here before but this is an area of concern. Water seeks it's own level. Therefore, if one is claiming to be a victim or feeling like one, then they need to look at the pay off for themselves. Yeah! He's this or that but there is a reason why you have'nt left? Now i'm not talking about severe abuse situations here! As we talk about prosperity, there is a reason why i didn't leave a situation where i felt like a victim! The reasons are "2 paychecks are better than one" or "for financial reasons". Either way the situations always got worse and i ended up worse off finacially than i would have had i not lived in the fear based reality that there is never going to be enough money if i am alone. So i say that if i had worked on my own prosperity thinking, learned to attract the goods to myself, for myself, then i wouldn't have ever stayed in a bad relationship, period! Okay, so Randy? How do i build finacial prosperity for myself without having to depend on another persons LITTLE paycheck? Flying solo for now!! and when i choose to be with someone it is because i want to not because i need to? thanks
    Catherine

  7. Stop it immediately-I know what I am talking about-IT IS NOT GOING TO BE BETTER if you somewhere in you think so-NO!Stop,release,let go.Take the courage NOW

  8. -RG,

    I think, no I know I use to do that. I'm so happy that I got my sh!t together now.

    I use to date the "same" woman over and over with the same results. I know I was there too and what had to change was me, they were just being who they are.

    I'm now happily engaged to the most wonderful woman and I that God each day that she is in my life.

    Thanks for the forum.

    -DJM

  9. Yes Randy, I have been a victim in my marriage and I have never been sure why. I look back over my marriage and wonder what it ever gained me? Nothing to be exact. Thanks for your posts, I truly need them as I fight my way back to the top and away from victimhood for ever.

  10. Hmm. It Seems that the sub-text for the last few posts may be alluding to that people should be completely accountable for their situation. If one is a playing the victim then they aren't holding themselves accountable. They are actually absolving themselves of it. If one is selfish in the good sense of the word ( behaving out of rational self interest ) then they would certainly avoid or get out of unpleasant situations/relationships because it would be of no benefit. I think that to be prosperous one must take full accountability and responsibilty for themselves and not blame any external factors. Once this is done they realalize that it is you and you alone who is responsible for your own destiny.

  11. Randy,
    I have "married my mother", not once, but twice. The emotional disconnection, the martyr, the verbal/emotional abuse. I have two children (one with autism) by my current husband and chose not to divorce but to change the situation. As I have stopped allowing the abusive behavior to affect me, stopped responding to it, the behavior has disappeared. I now give it no energy and suggest positive ways for change and it has worked! Our relationship is very different now, still a long way to go. Thank you for the reminder not to dwell or gossip about the "lack" in our relationship. Instead, I am thinking ahead of ways to continue to create the environment that feeds our growth as partners and parents. (It is way to tempting/easy to get sympathy from girlfriends)
    You really nailed me in the wealth realm, still. I dream of buying groceries at the dollar store and stretching every penny till it screams! Thoughts about the lack of money take up the majority of my day and results in back pain at night, all stress related.
    I have some very deep digging to do to remove the serious programming that still, obviously, remains.
    Thanks for handing me the kitty litter scoop!!!!!
    Your very appreciative student,
    Kathleen

  12. I plead guilty to the "all the good guys are either gay or married". And I seem to be good at picking the gay ones. I was recently divorced (time #2 and the same type of needy person both times). I was around a person who I was getting to know. He seemed quite interested in me and several times got intimately close. He is younger than I am and definitely obese (guilty here too). I was wondering if he might be a possible match. I friended him on facebook. He accepted me. The very next day in one of his posts he posted an unmistakeably "gay" photo. I thought Oh, no. Not again. I started looking at some of his previous posts. Yup, again. I have seen him since and he still gets very close. I have never let on to him either that I had any interest or that I now know he is gay. Most recent comment from him to me was in regard to my recent divorce. The comment: Sometimes things that seem bad are not bad. You are a lot better off without him.

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  • 14 comments on “Being a Victim in Bad Relationships”

    1. I understand playing he victim role. I can honestly say I play the victim. knowing I am indeed a victim of mental abuse but now seeing that I must be getting some kind of a payoff because I stay in the relationship. I saw it coming yet ignored the signs. I've said to myself "I never asked for this" yet indeed I did. I do not like the relationship. I am tired of the constant cruelty and lack of regard to my health and mental well being. I myself have become medicated to deal with the anxieties that I have developed during this relationship. How far do you continue in a relationship when u are the only one doing things to make positive change. All the while you are met with defensive behavior. I should not have to "cope" with a relationship.

    2. Randy,
      What a great post and funny too. Once upon a time I had the committee to re-elect the martyr at beck and call. The price I paid for that is that I was also on the other end for their victimhood.

      My life felt a little like groundhog day. It was always the same thing over and over again. And of course their are those stories that re told ad nauseum. I took a class where we had to tell a story about that something that bothered us in the 3rd person. So "When you yelled at me Jim was very upset...took away all the drama."

      I let my family manipulate, verbally abuse and withhold love as punishment for not playing their way. That is how they operate not how I do. These are tests to see if my walk is aligned with my talk. Not for me to sing the closing number of "Funny Girl" daily.

      I really laughed about what the women say about the available men and the gay guys saying the converse. Somewhere just on the outskirts of Wilton Manors there has to 3 guys who could make everyone happy.
      Thanks,
      Jim

    3. LOL. Not sure about the good/ married guys, but most of the hot guys ARE gay, or questionably so. LOL.

      Anyway I say that really in jest because I'm not interested in having a romantic relationship at this point in my life but when I was in relationships, I never really thought that all the good guys are gay or married. My guys were pretty great people. I was the problem most of the time.

      Because on hindsight, and some remorse (some) - I realized that I can and DID make them out to be monsters just to feed my own victim stories. Now I'm just concentrating on becoming a better me, because it truly ain't fair for me to torture someone else again because of my own stuff. Cool post, wish I read it 10 years earlier tho! Thanks! 😉

    4. Randy you just raised my awareness! Thank you for that. There are so many ways that we can think of ourselves as victims and it is necessary to watch out for that and to put a stop to it.

      God doesn't want us to think that way. Our dignity, if we identify ourselves with Him, is whole.

      **Jeannie

    5. Randy, these are some really great points and reminders.

      We can't control other people all we can control is our response to them. Making sure we're responding appropriately is our personal responsibility.

      "How many of the negatives in your relationship are exact parallels of the pattern you witnessed with your parents? And have you repeated the same negative relationship five or six different time, just with different people?"

      This really spoke to me. I come from parents who are in a co-dependent relationship and have only recently realized that I am in an almost identical one. This shocked and appalled me considering I went into marriage so determined to never be my parents!

      It's time to be responsible for my part of this and to get the help I need to change these patterns!

      Thanks for addressing this issue!

    6. I've never commented here before but this is an area of concern. Water seeks it's own level. Therefore, if one is claiming to be a victim or feeling like one, then they need to look at the pay off for themselves. Yeah! He's this or that but there is a reason why you have'nt left? Now i'm not talking about severe abuse situations here! As we talk about prosperity, there is a reason why i didn't leave a situation where i felt like a victim! The reasons are "2 paychecks are better than one" or "for financial reasons". Either way the situations always got worse and i ended up worse off finacially than i would have had i not lived in the fear based reality that there is never going to be enough money if i am alone. So i say that if i had worked on my own prosperity thinking, learned to attract the goods to myself, for myself, then i wouldn't have ever stayed in a bad relationship, period! Okay, so Randy? How do i build finacial prosperity for myself without having to depend on another persons LITTLE paycheck? Flying solo for now!! and when i choose to be with someone it is because i want to not because i need to? thanks
      Catherine

    7. Stop it immediately-I know what I am talking about-IT IS NOT GOING TO BE BETTER if you somewhere in you think so-NO!Stop,release,let go.Take the courage NOW

    8. -RG,

      I think, no I know I use to do that. I'm so happy that I got my sh!t together now.

      I use to date the "same" woman over and over with the same results. I know I was there too and what had to change was me, they were just being who they are.

      I'm now happily engaged to the most wonderful woman and I that God each day that she is in my life.

      Thanks for the forum.

      -DJM

    9. Yes Randy, I have been a victim in my marriage and I have never been sure why. I look back over my marriage and wonder what it ever gained me? Nothing to be exact. Thanks for your posts, I truly need them as I fight my way back to the top and away from victimhood for ever.

    10. Hmm. It Seems that the sub-text for the last few posts may be alluding to that people should be completely accountable for their situation. If one is a playing the victim then they aren't holding themselves accountable. They are actually absolving themselves of it. If one is selfish in the good sense of the word ( behaving out of rational self interest ) then they would certainly avoid or get out of unpleasant situations/relationships because it would be of no benefit. I think that to be prosperous one must take full accountability and responsibilty for themselves and not blame any external factors. Once this is done they realalize that it is you and you alone who is responsible for your own destiny.

    11. Randy,
      I have "married my mother", not once, but twice. The emotional disconnection, the martyr, the verbal/emotional abuse. I have two children (one with autism) by my current husband and chose not to divorce but to change the situation. As I have stopped allowing the abusive behavior to affect me, stopped responding to it, the behavior has disappeared. I now give it no energy and suggest positive ways for change and it has worked! Our relationship is very different now, still a long way to go. Thank you for the reminder not to dwell or gossip about the "lack" in our relationship. Instead, I am thinking ahead of ways to continue to create the environment that feeds our growth as partners and parents. (It is way to tempting/easy to get sympathy from girlfriends)
      You really nailed me in the wealth realm, still. I dream of buying groceries at the dollar store and stretching every penny till it screams! Thoughts about the lack of money take up the majority of my day and results in back pain at night, all stress related.
      I have some very deep digging to do to remove the serious programming that still, obviously, remains.
      Thanks for handing me the kitty litter scoop!!!!!
      Your very appreciative student,
      Kathleen

    12. I plead guilty to the "all the good guys are either gay or married". And I seem to be good at picking the gay ones. I was recently divorced (time #2 and the same type of needy person both times). I was around a person who I was getting to know. He seemed quite interested in me and several times got intimately close. He is younger than I am and definitely obese (guilty here too). I was wondering if he might be a possible match. I friended him on facebook. He accepted me. The very next day in one of his posts he posted an unmistakeably "gay" photo. I thought Oh, no. Not again. I started looking at some of his previous posts. Yup, again. I have seen him since and he still gets very close. I have never let on to him either that I had any interest or that I now know he is gay. Most recent comment from him to me was in regard to my recent divorce. The comment: Sometimes things that seem bad are not bad. You are a lot better off without him.

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