Randy's Rants

The Night Before Christmas, 2007
By Randy Gage
Dec 24, 2007, 12:42

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The Night Before Christmas, 2007

(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq, The soldiers were huddled, and under attack.
Back in the capital, the White House was quiet; Kind of makes you wonder, why there wasn’t a riot.

Who had time to worry about those poor beleaguered troops; When Homeland Security had us jumping through hoops?
There was no time to wonder if Iraq was a scam; Because now Iran was the next sacrificial lamb.

Vietnam, Somalia, Haiti, Bosnia, the history was vast; Couldn’t the people learn from the lessons gone past?
How could a nation have a foreign policy so creepy?
‘Tis what happens when you elect a man, with a very small peepee.

The new trial of OJ promised more drama; The showdown of vapidity from Hillary and Obama.
Breathless sensationalism from O’Reilly and the rest; Another election where the clueless are put to the test.

But the story was the same, all round the nation; The natives were spellbound, flipping the station.
The remote was gripped, in their chubby hands with care, In hopes that reality shows soon would be on air.

They laid back in the recliner, zoned into the box; For “Family Guy,” “Desperate Housewives,” and more shit from FOX.
They had no time for reflection, or critical thought; Of the despair and destruction their warmonger had wrought.

When out on the lawn, arose such a racket; I jumped from my bed, and grabbed for my jacket.
I ran down the staircase, to the ground floor; Just in time to see Santa, breaking in my door.

“Hey Pal,” I called out, “Didn’t you read the book?
You’re supposed to come down the chimney, in ashes and soot.”
“Well”, he exclaimed, “I must take a pass; “Cause I get can’t get down there with my big, fat ass...

“Cinnabon, Krispy Kreme, and what about stuffed crust?
I’ve been trying to diet, but it’s been a great bust.
I read Aktins, Protein Power, and also The Zone; McDougal, and Pritiken, and yet I have still grown.

“That’s why I’ve got this pipe clamped in my teeth; With the smoke curling round like a new Christmas wreath.
That last time I quit smoking; I gained so much weight; My arteries were blocked, and my cholesterol tempted fate.

“You think this job is easy, working only once a year?
What do you think will happen, if they find out I’m queer?
Romney and Huckabee will pull the knife from the sheath; And doom me to Hell, with great gnashing of teeth.”

“But wait a minute, “ I sputtered, “You can’t be Gay; You have to be straight—it’s the American way.”
“Oh come on,” he replied, “who else but fruits...
Wear red velvet, fur collars, and black leather boots?

“You must be clueless, or been living on Saturn… Look at my reindeer, did you not notice a pattern?
If you think Dasher and Prancer, are names for a boy; You should be drinking eggnog with Sigfried and Roy!”

Shocked and dismayed, my head it was aching; Feeling quite weak, my legs they were quaking.
“Aren’t you done here? Can’t you move on next door?
I’ve got my fill, I can’t stand any more”

“Well no,” he replied, “I hate to sound cosmic; But next door gets nothing, because they’re Islamic.
I’ve made out my list, and I’ve checked it twice, You aint a Christian—you’re lower than lice.

“Peace on earth, happy tidings, and goodwill to you, Unless you’re a God damned Hindu, Buddhist, or Jew.
We spread the gospel, and we tell it well; Side with us now, or you’ll end up in Hell.”

“No wait,” I cried out, “that just isn’t right...”
But he kept right on walking, away from my sight.
He whistled for reindeer, and they pulled up out front; He climbed into the sleigh, with a guttural grunt.

He reached on the dash, where some CDs were strewn Inserted a disc, with a Broadway show tune.
Santa looked back at me, and said with a yell; “Convert ‘fore it’s too late, or you‘ll burn up in Hell.”

I bolted upright, and woke up in a sweat; Was it just a nightmare that hadn’t happened yet?
The ghost of Christmas future, or just my imagination… The destiny of mankind, or wicked hallucination?

Whatever happened to ole Silent Night?
And loving one another, doing what’s right?
The season of harmony and peace thereof, Can’t we just live it with acceptance and love?

I wish you a holiday season filled with good friends, happy reunions, and stimulating conversations - and a New Year of hope, healing, and highest good. Please pray for peace.


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The holiday greeting and wishes for a Happy New Year contained in this newsletter are extended from Randy Gage ("Wishor”), to you (“Recipient”), subject to the following terms and conditions:

This greeting is extended without obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, gender neutral, celebration of the secular summer solstice holiday only. Any similarities to religious and/or national holidays is purely coincidental.

This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions of the religious beliefs of your choice, or secular beliefs of your choice, regardless of sexual orientation or operating system preference. However, such acceptance by the recipient does not imply any endorsements or consents by the Wishor.

My wishes for your emotional state, financial success, and freedom from disease apply to the generally accepted calendar year 2008. Any other calendars of choice from other cultures or sects are subject to availability.

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal, is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and is non transferable. The Wishor implies no promise to actually implement any of the wishes. The extent of the holiday spirit experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into it. The claims described are for illustration purposes only. Your results may differ. These statements have not been approved by the FDA. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

“Christmas” “God” and “Jesus” are registered trademarks of the Amway Corporation; all rights reserved.

© MMXI Randy Gage. All Rights Reserved.

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