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Are You a Good Parent?

Posted By: Randy GageOctober 24, 2011

One of the guys I play softball with is a great ballplayer.  His young son is developing to be very good too, and he brings him to practice.  You can tell the son idolizes his father and wants to be like him.  And you can tell the father loves his son and is proud of the way he’s developing. 

So what’s the problem?

When the kid misses a play, the father screams things like, “Get in front of the ball or I’m going to kick your ass!”   And his terms of endearment are to call him things like, “you big dummy.”

If you remember, we started this whole discussion last week by asking how much of what you do each day is reasoned and thought about, versus kneejerk reaction because of programming you have.  And this is really an issue for parenting...

I honestly think my friend loves his son and wants to be a good parent.  And I also think his definition of parenting is dramatically influenced by the programming he is infected with, which was greatly determined by how his father raised him.

If you are a parent, do you have strong, preset beliefs on how children should be raised?  Have you ever given much thought to where and how you developed those beliefs?  And how many of them did you adopt automatically from the examples of your parents?

How do you feel and act when those beliefs are challenged? 

Please give that some thought, and share your thoughts below.

Also, here’s a great resource to check out, a new book by Bruce Beaton titled, Little Athletes, Big Leaders.  Bruce was a professional football star and has some great insights on working with young kids in a positive way.

-RG

39 comments on “Are You a Good Parent?”

  1. When our daughters were playing volleyball in school and in a league, we received some great advice. We were told... "You are parents, not the coach. Let the coach do her job. Do not coach from the sidelines. The bottom line is be cheerleaders not the coach." So, my wife and I always were encouraging and cheered like mad whenever something good happened.

    1. Good point, but that also depends on the coaching. I've had times where I had to "undo" what was being coached / taught. If bad enough, then pull your kid off the team...explain why and wait until next season.

  2. I love this subject Randy. I recently gave a talk on this before a group of Mothers of Preschoolers. It is so imperative that we as parents strive to develop our children as the individuals that they are. With each of my four children I have found myself at activities or events that I would never have gone to myself, but I went for them. I buy foods that I don't necessarily like but I don't want my children to miss out on the opportunities to form their own opinions. I try to extrapolate the things that I thought my mother did well while raising me, and then I add my own flair to those. With all that said, I am definitely not without fault, which is something that I accept and work on improving every day!

  3. Great piece, Randy. See and hear it all the time - parents lashing out at their kids in a WAY disrespectful, disregarding, even violent manner. I was on the receiving end of that shit and honestly, I'm an awesome dad to my son. Doesn't mean I don't ever react from my own wound, but I recognize it and clean it up (take ownership) right away. And I think who he is becoming reflects that...he's a cool kid who walks to his own beat.

    1. The problem is some parents do not think about how what they say and do (or sometimes don't do) affects their children.

      They can not or do not want to see that there are setting the stage for the person their child will become.

      Some parents do not see their children as people in progress, and instead burdens or even objects.

      Some parents think that it is someone else's responsibility to ensure their children are healthy, happy, and successful.

      People claim to love their kids, but when you're spoiling your kids by giving them everything they want or depriving them of safety and opportunity because you didn't get it when you were growing up, I doubt you even love yourself.

  4. This guy is playing to the crowd, his son is collateral damage. This is not about the son at all but about how the father wants to appear to the rest of the team and the crowd. "Look at me. I'm tough and demanding. Some day my son will thank me for being so tough on him."

    Unfortunately when the crowd reinforces the behavior by not saying anything - and often by laughing - the whole thing escalates in the mind and heart of the child.

    And why is it when someone 'says' they want to be rich but they act in contrary ways we question their belief. When a parent 'says' they love their child but behave in contrary ways we don't question their belief?

    1. Ian - I do question beliefs of parents. I will stop a parent in the street an ask them if they enjoyed being treated like that?

      Or what their purpose is?

      Or I'll tell them that it's emotional and mental abuse and absolutely cruel... I'll go onto to describe the lifelong impact and ask if that's what love is called?

      I challenge the parents I work with who justify hitting their kids, yet punish them when the kid hits out - I show them the double standard and ask if they want kids that grow up screwed up, unquestioning, and confused?

      I have fostered REALLY messed up kids who went back to their parents and would try to show the parents that the issues that the kids have are mostly because they aren't parenting in the way that brings out the best in the child...

      I used to get frustrated when the kid went back to them for 3 weeks, and I'd have to start over because the parents refused to be loving, empathic, understanding and curious. Dogma kills esteem.

      Ok... nuff already. Let me go love up my kids with dinner and good conversation!!!!

      My seven year has just come to say "I've cleared the table and layed it, shall I serve the meal?!" This is a sweet frst 🙂

      1. Thanks Natalie - and Joe below. I once had an old crotchety theology professor who said "You believe only what you practice." Last Friday night in restaurant around 7:30 I saw a cute chubby little girl, maybe about 7, in a booth with her father having dinner. Classic 'I have my daughter this weekend' scene. That dad would say he loves his daughter more than anything. But for most of the meal she sat there saying nothing, looking at her plate while he worked on his Blackberry. Her very "health-esteem" was being severely damaged every second. Broke my heart.

        We can't deal with the reality that some self-centered parents don't truly love their children.

        My mother looked after about 70 foster kids over the years so I applaud your work Natalie!

        1. WOW - awesome mother you had...

          If I was feeling furious I might say something to him - tho if I was with my kids I'd probably get them to say something to him...

          As that would hit home more...

          My son is happy to be paid to be my voice box and it stuns people...

          He hates smoking - and overheard a teen girl ask a boy for a smoke. My son said to me "that's so wrong!" He was 6!

          I told him to tell her. It took him a while to muster the courage and he did. He went to her and told her that she shouldn't be smoking... The girls mouth dropped and her face went bright red. She stopped asking for the smoke!!!

  5. Randy,
    Any parent telling their child that they are going to kick their ass is horrible, abusive and just wrong to speak to a child like that. As adults we should all know better no matter how we were raised, at some point your own maturity should kick in.

  6. In the heat of battle, we learn who we really are deep deep down. I constantly am learning in this area. We "teach" our children the most when we are in pressure situations. Sooo painful to hear some parents in these situations. Always striving to improve!

  7. I am not a parent so first hand experience is out.

    I do see how my sister and bro-in-law interact with their child, compared to how some of her friend's parents act. They are mindful of boosting my niece, yet keeping her motivated, but in a very hands-off, loving, caring way. She's involved in multiple sports - soccer, tennis, karate, etc - so I get to see how they influence her frequently.

    She just received her Black Belt in karate at age 7. Sure, they push her, but it's always constructive. The negative stuff just does not work out well, and any parent who imprints their kid with low energy stuff their parents imprinted on them, is slapping some nasty limiting beliefs on their kids. In most cases, the parents are completely unaware of it, but let's hope some are reading your post RG.

  8. Don't know if you saw my fb post! This came up for me last week!

    This month I got triggered by being called RUBBISH by my father... I'm VERY grateful for the trigger so I could embrace this pain and love that little Rubbish inside of me that yearned to be loved and adored!!! This is the nickname my father called me all my childhood. This last week I asked... him what made him call me worthless trash?? He said it was a term of Love. (LOL - maybe if you're in a dump truck flirting with another trash bag!!!) I pondered that Princess, or Precious, or Special showed LOVE while Rubbish is something you don't want, throw away, unimportant, worthless and don't care about. Just how I felt.

    A name means SO much. Call your children, lovers, friends names that bring out beauty, goodness, and unique celebration of Spirit! ♥ ♥ ♥

    This week they had a renaming of hundreds of girls named "Unwanted" - it comes at perfect timing!! Really hits home!!!

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44998378/ns/world_news-wonderful_world/

  9. Are you a good parent? Oh, this question has to be answered by my children...

    I think so, not perfect but I am proud of how they have turned out. At that point of time I could have been the 'tiger mother' because of cramming them with all kinds of enrichment classes, like Piano, violin, ballet, tae kwon do, swimming and drawing/painting. Even had Aunty Ess, a retired school teacher to read lots of stories to them. (they enjoyed her cakes too). Why? because father and mother were both busy at work. Yes, they dropped out of some classes but it was ok . I just did not want them to be glued to the TV.

    Not easy, we had our difficult times but the Lord is merciful. There were fun times and tough times and I am grateful.....

  10. A big issue for most people, especially parents, is tying our "Identity" with how we perform in our roles. The two must remain separate. As divine expressions of God, everyone is always an "I" 10, regardless of how we perform a role. As parents, too often we tie our children's identity to how they do in their roles, bad or good. This plays out as Johnny the star soccer player in 6th grade but doesn't make the team in high school. His whole identity as the star, given to him by his parents and coaches, evaporates and self-esteem crashes. This happens all the time on the academic side as well. Most incoming students at Harvard wind up being depressed as they are no longer the smartest kid in the room- their whole identity since they were first in school.All of us are 10's regardless of how we perform in our roles. And roles, by definition, inevitably get taken away from you sooner or later.

  11. Once a friend told me why a child's first drawing is often a huge picture of Mom or Dad's face. It is because Mom and Dad are their whole world. So what must it be like for a child to see or hear his whole world's disappointment of him, and in front of others?
    Randy, your blog has helped me greatly in undoing limiting beliefs. Bruce Beaton's book, helps me greatly in not creating those limiting beliefs in my precious 7 year old.
    As usual, thank you.

  12. when my sons were small they attended football (soccer, that is :-)) and I was amazed how the other parents would scream to their 6 year old kids to 'go get it' or even worse in a manner that was unheard of. I am sure that the poor kids had to outlive their parents dreams - not necessarily their own!! Not very sympathetic.
    My boys are now very much into basket ball, which is a completely different and a very social sport - eventhough they still want to win. As parents, we don't need to scream and shout (it is torture for both the kids and everyone else to listen to)
    so I am pretty glad they changed sports! 🙂

  13. i did not experience oc being a parents but being a son.. i can say i proud to be a son of my Dad & mom 'coz in muslim scriptures the level of parents care n& devotions are too much high even Allah the Almighty says.. who dosgrace & did not obey there parents will can't go to heaven, i don't know about the western culture but here in pakistan parent are the superior one to rinther house n father is the major front line person to run all things regards to home ..
    but too much freedom to children make them a worst kind 'coz some harshness is required to grow a child. without bitter taste he or she can't learn the right way. thats why i think western culture is diss stable n basic reason ov there down fall at social life..
    so i have a question to every one.. is that right to give freedom to there child ??? or leave a child at baby sitter n not much time for there children ????
    is it okay with when child wants mothers intention & mother is busy ion her office work???
    is it okay the social freedom for women is good for there family life?????
    here in pakistan the family values are too much high n the women spend there all times to grow a child.. that why children here rose with such moral values with honest charm..???

  14. Last weekend our daughter had a soccer game, we sat on the opposite side of the field from the parents because a lot of this yelling goes on. After the game the Ref came over and said he admired how we just watched the game, separated ourselves from the herd, and cheered when our daughter did something great! That felt awesome as a parent to have someone from the outside say that!

    Randy, I can't imagine saying anything like that to my son, reading that made me want to go give that kid a hug and tell him he was awesome...Thanks again!

  15. Wow Randy, thanks so much for the mention of my book Little Athletes Big Leaders in your blog. I know enough about you to know you would not have done that frivolously, or for any gain on your part. I am honored by the complement, thank you for endorsing my work, and for caring enough about your online friends (and the programming of their children)to share it with them!

  16. Great post Randy
    I think questioning why we do the things we do, in all our relationships, is the first step to being better.
    I think there is a lot of danger in doing things just because that is the way they have always been done, or because we lived through them and are "okay"
    Love is often used as an excuse for treating people badly, we have to be better than that.

      1. Randy, how do you think this would fit in with Ayn Rand's ideas?

        If you genuinely love someone you want them to be happy and be successful at being themselves as long as it doesn't hurt you to do so.

        All too often, parents are trying to keep up with the Joneses, living their lost dreams through their kids, or have so many personal issues that they end up damaging not only their children, but themselves.

        I, and others have experienced this. It is wrong and it is inexcusable that it happens, just like poverty.

        No person deserves to suffer for the sake of another.

        I have decided that even if I do not have children of own, I will encourage the growth of others because I did not receive positive feedback and support.

        Most children are intelligent and creative people, but when parents run on auto-pilot or even outright sabotage themselves and their children, we destroy a life before it even has a chance to express itself.

  17. Hi Randy,

    I am father to two girls and I agree with you that your friend definitely loves his son. he wants his best. My father used to motivate "negatively" as well. It worked because "that was the way I was wired" but the price has to be paid in loss of joy, happiness and fulfilment. These proving programming is powerful but destructive, And there's no doubt about it that my dad loves me too.

    My wife and I have become very aware of our educational programming and we reflect it in the edcuation of our kids. Sometimes, I know exactly what to say to have them do something, how to manipulate them. But in most cases, I don't say it because I know the side effects. However, every child is individual. What might be harmful to one, might be completely different to another.

    Thanks for bringing that up.

    Be blessed

    Oliver

  18. Hi,
    Great post and postings.
    I have an inner-battle with myself. I try not to over-ride my children's decisions. That is of course if it is not life threatening or might affect others negatively. It might involve letting them choose what they want to wear or if they want to sign up for a certain activity or not. It is so easy to push and decide for them, asking them but not listening to their answer, convincing them to do something I really want for them. There is a fine line between pushing and instilling good habits (finish what you start, if you do something then do it right, etc...). I would love for my child to be the best on the team, to be the total achiever, to succeed at everything but I what I truly WANT is for my child to love sport and the outdoors, to be a team player, to know his/her limits, to stand his/her ground (especially to me!). This battle means trying to cheer instead of yell in sport, ask how it went instead of listing what went wrong. Trying not to label when criticizing actions (You are acting mean vs. you ARE mean, etc...). I am not sure that I am winning the inner-battle though I am aware of it. Good luck everyone with your pursuits! Happy Parenting!
    J

  19. This is a really good subject to contemplate. I think as a parent you can do just as your parents did, and avoid the work of questioning your parents. It is also possible to hate the way your parents raised you and do just the opposite. Doing just the opposite may not be the best either, because it is also a reaction. I have done both I think. It is a lot of work being a parent. It does take a lot of thinking and evaluating.

    I think the more we love ourselves and the better we parent ourselves the better a parent we are to our children.

  20. I have also experienced this with my father when I am in the 80's drove motoross. This was obviously no fun. The problem for me was that I was the same when I am in the 90's coached ice hockey, and with my own children. Not until a parent of the hockey team I trained called and told me that I should think about what I was doing. That was my wake-up call. I behaved exactly as I was brought up, and although I thought it was wrong, I did exactly as my father did. Children do not do what you say they are doing what you do. Today I can not imagine anything more offensive than someone standing and yelling at you what to do.

  21. This guy is a typical jerk parent. Probably had an idiot for a father, so he is just behaving the same way his father did. I feel sorry for the kid. Maybe the Dad will start a 12 step program and begin working on himself or get some counseling. It's people like him, that may love their kids, but have many issues that go far deeper than just parenthood. As a parent myself, I know it's not easy, and I know I have lost my cool on more than a few occasions, but have to set a good example for our children.

  22. I'm a great parent! I forward all your posts to my children and tell them if they ever want to be the best.. they better read em! LOL

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  • 39 comments on “Are You a Good Parent?”

    1. When our daughters were playing volleyball in school and in a league, we received some great advice. We were told... "You are parents, not the coach. Let the coach do her job. Do not coach from the sidelines. The bottom line is be cheerleaders not the coach." So, my wife and I always were encouraging and cheered like mad whenever something good happened.

      1. Good point, but that also depends on the coaching. I've had times where I had to "undo" what was being coached / taught. If bad enough, then pull your kid off the team...explain why and wait until next season.

    2. I love this subject Randy. I recently gave a talk on this before a group of Mothers of Preschoolers. It is so imperative that we as parents strive to develop our children as the individuals that they are. With each of my four children I have found myself at activities or events that I would never have gone to myself, but I went for them. I buy foods that I don't necessarily like but I don't want my children to miss out on the opportunities to form their own opinions. I try to extrapolate the things that I thought my mother did well while raising me, and then I add my own flair to those. With all that said, I am definitely not without fault, which is something that I accept and work on improving every day!

    3. Great piece, Randy. See and hear it all the time - parents lashing out at their kids in a WAY disrespectful, disregarding, even violent manner. I was on the receiving end of that shit and honestly, I'm an awesome dad to my son. Doesn't mean I don't ever react from my own wound, but I recognize it and clean it up (take ownership) right away. And I think who he is becoming reflects that...he's a cool kid who walks to his own beat.

      1. The problem is some parents do not think about how what they say and do (or sometimes don't do) affects their children.

        They can not or do not want to see that there are setting the stage for the person their child will become.

        Some parents do not see their children as people in progress, and instead burdens or even objects.

        Some parents think that it is someone else's responsibility to ensure their children are healthy, happy, and successful.

        People claim to love their kids, but when you're spoiling your kids by giving them everything they want or depriving them of safety and opportunity because you didn't get it when you were growing up, I doubt you even love yourself.

    4. This guy is playing to the crowd, his son is collateral damage. This is not about the son at all but about how the father wants to appear to the rest of the team and the crowd. "Look at me. I'm tough and demanding. Some day my son will thank me for being so tough on him."

      Unfortunately when the crowd reinforces the behavior by not saying anything - and often by laughing - the whole thing escalates in the mind and heart of the child.

      And why is it when someone 'says' they want to be rich but they act in contrary ways we question their belief. When a parent 'says' they love their child but behave in contrary ways we don't question their belief?

      1. Ian - I do question beliefs of parents. I will stop a parent in the street an ask them if they enjoyed being treated like that?

        Or what their purpose is?

        Or I'll tell them that it's emotional and mental abuse and absolutely cruel... I'll go onto to describe the lifelong impact and ask if that's what love is called?

        I challenge the parents I work with who justify hitting their kids, yet punish them when the kid hits out - I show them the double standard and ask if they want kids that grow up screwed up, unquestioning, and confused?

        I have fostered REALLY messed up kids who went back to their parents and would try to show the parents that the issues that the kids have are mostly because they aren't parenting in the way that brings out the best in the child...

        I used to get frustrated when the kid went back to them for 3 weeks, and I'd have to start over because the parents refused to be loving, empathic, understanding and curious. Dogma kills esteem.

        Ok... nuff already. Let me go love up my kids with dinner and good conversation!!!!

        My seven year has just come to say "I've cleared the table and layed it, shall I serve the meal?!" This is a sweet frst 🙂

        1. Thanks Natalie - and Joe below. I once had an old crotchety theology professor who said "You believe only what you practice." Last Friday night in restaurant around 7:30 I saw a cute chubby little girl, maybe about 7, in a booth with her father having dinner. Classic 'I have my daughter this weekend' scene. That dad would say he loves his daughter more than anything. But for most of the meal she sat there saying nothing, looking at her plate while he worked on his Blackberry. Her very "health-esteem" was being severely damaged every second. Broke my heart.

          We can't deal with the reality that some self-centered parents don't truly love their children.

          My mother looked after about 70 foster kids over the years so I applaud your work Natalie!

          1. WOW - awesome mother you had...

            If I was feeling furious I might say something to him - tho if I was with my kids I'd probably get them to say something to him...

            As that would hit home more...

            My son is happy to be paid to be my voice box and it stuns people...

            He hates smoking - and overheard a teen girl ask a boy for a smoke. My son said to me "that's so wrong!" He was 6!

            I told him to tell her. It took him a while to muster the courage and he did. He went to her and told her that she shouldn't be smoking... The girls mouth dropped and her face went bright red. She stopped asking for the smoke!!!

    5. Randy,
      Any parent telling their child that they are going to kick their ass is horrible, abusive and just wrong to speak to a child like that. As adults we should all know better no matter how we were raised, at some point your own maturity should kick in.

    6. In the heat of battle, we learn who we really are deep deep down. I constantly am learning in this area. We "teach" our children the most when we are in pressure situations. Sooo painful to hear some parents in these situations. Always striving to improve!

    7. I am not a parent so first hand experience is out.

      I do see how my sister and bro-in-law interact with their child, compared to how some of her friend's parents act. They are mindful of boosting my niece, yet keeping her motivated, but in a very hands-off, loving, caring way. She's involved in multiple sports - soccer, tennis, karate, etc - so I get to see how they influence her frequently.

      She just received her Black Belt in karate at age 7. Sure, they push her, but it's always constructive. The negative stuff just does not work out well, and any parent who imprints their kid with low energy stuff their parents imprinted on them, is slapping some nasty limiting beliefs on their kids. In most cases, the parents are completely unaware of it, but let's hope some are reading your post RG.

    8. Don't know if you saw my fb post! This came up for me last week!

      This month I got triggered by being called RUBBISH by my father... I'm VERY grateful for the trigger so I could embrace this pain and love that little Rubbish inside of me that yearned to be loved and adored!!! This is the nickname my father called me all my childhood. This last week I asked... him what made him call me worthless trash?? He said it was a term of Love. (LOL - maybe if you're in a dump truck flirting with another trash bag!!!) I pondered that Princess, or Precious, or Special showed LOVE while Rubbish is something you don't want, throw away, unimportant, worthless and don't care about. Just how I felt.

      A name means SO much. Call your children, lovers, friends names that bring out beauty, goodness, and unique celebration of Spirit! ♥ ♥ ♥

      This week they had a renaming of hundreds of girls named "Unwanted" - it comes at perfect timing!! Really hits home!!!

      http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44998378/ns/world_news-wonderful_world/

    9. Are you a good parent? Oh, this question has to be answered by my children...

      I think so, not perfect but I am proud of how they have turned out. At that point of time I could have been the 'tiger mother' because of cramming them with all kinds of enrichment classes, like Piano, violin, ballet, tae kwon do, swimming and drawing/painting. Even had Aunty Ess, a retired school teacher to read lots of stories to them. (they enjoyed her cakes too). Why? because father and mother were both busy at work. Yes, they dropped out of some classes but it was ok . I just did not want them to be glued to the TV.

      Not easy, we had our difficult times but the Lord is merciful. There were fun times and tough times and I am grateful.....

    10. A big issue for most people, especially parents, is tying our "Identity" with how we perform in our roles. The two must remain separate. As divine expressions of God, everyone is always an "I" 10, regardless of how we perform a role. As parents, too often we tie our children's identity to how they do in their roles, bad or good. This plays out as Johnny the star soccer player in 6th grade but doesn't make the team in high school. His whole identity as the star, given to him by his parents and coaches, evaporates and self-esteem crashes. This happens all the time on the academic side as well. Most incoming students at Harvard wind up being depressed as they are no longer the smartest kid in the room- their whole identity since they were first in school.All of us are 10's regardless of how we perform in our roles. And roles, by definition, inevitably get taken away from you sooner or later.

    11. Once a friend told me why a child's first drawing is often a huge picture of Mom or Dad's face. It is because Mom and Dad are their whole world. So what must it be like for a child to see or hear his whole world's disappointment of him, and in front of others?
      Randy, your blog has helped me greatly in undoing limiting beliefs. Bruce Beaton's book, helps me greatly in not creating those limiting beliefs in my precious 7 year old.
      As usual, thank you.

    12. when my sons were small they attended football (soccer, that is :-)) and I was amazed how the other parents would scream to their 6 year old kids to 'go get it' or even worse in a manner that was unheard of. I am sure that the poor kids had to outlive their parents dreams - not necessarily their own!! Not very sympathetic.
      My boys are now very much into basket ball, which is a completely different and a very social sport - eventhough they still want to win. As parents, we don't need to scream and shout (it is torture for both the kids and everyone else to listen to)
      so I am pretty glad they changed sports! 🙂

    13. i did not experience oc being a parents but being a son.. i can say i proud to be a son of my Dad & mom 'coz in muslim scriptures the level of parents care n& devotions are too much high even Allah the Almighty says.. who dosgrace & did not obey there parents will can't go to heaven, i don't know about the western culture but here in pakistan parent are the superior one to rinther house n father is the major front line person to run all things regards to home ..
      but too much freedom to children make them a worst kind 'coz some harshness is required to grow a child. without bitter taste he or she can't learn the right way. thats why i think western culture is diss stable n basic reason ov there down fall at social life..
      so i have a question to every one.. is that right to give freedom to there child ??? or leave a child at baby sitter n not much time for there children ????
      is it okay with when child wants mothers intention & mother is busy ion her office work???
      is it okay the social freedom for women is good for there family life?????
      here in pakistan the family values are too much high n the women spend there all times to grow a child.. that why children here rose with such moral values with honest charm..???

    14. Last weekend our daughter had a soccer game, we sat on the opposite side of the field from the parents because a lot of this yelling goes on. After the game the Ref came over and said he admired how we just watched the game, separated ourselves from the herd, and cheered when our daughter did something great! That felt awesome as a parent to have someone from the outside say that!

      Randy, I can't imagine saying anything like that to my son, reading that made me want to go give that kid a hug and tell him he was awesome...Thanks again!

    15. Wow Randy, thanks so much for the mention of my book Little Athletes Big Leaders in your blog. I know enough about you to know you would not have done that frivolously, or for any gain on your part. I am honored by the complement, thank you for endorsing my work, and for caring enough about your online friends (and the programming of their children)to share it with them!

    16. Great post Randy
      I think questioning why we do the things we do, in all our relationships, is the first step to being better.
      I think there is a lot of danger in doing things just because that is the way they have always been done, or because we lived through them and are "okay"
      Love is often used as an excuse for treating people badly, we have to be better than that.

        1. Randy, how do you think this would fit in with Ayn Rand's ideas?

          If you genuinely love someone you want them to be happy and be successful at being themselves as long as it doesn't hurt you to do so.

          All too often, parents are trying to keep up with the Joneses, living their lost dreams through their kids, or have so many personal issues that they end up damaging not only their children, but themselves.

          I, and others have experienced this. It is wrong and it is inexcusable that it happens, just like poverty.

          No person deserves to suffer for the sake of another.

          I have decided that even if I do not have children of own, I will encourage the growth of others because I did not receive positive feedback and support.

          Most children are intelligent and creative people, but when parents run on auto-pilot or even outright sabotage themselves and their children, we destroy a life before it even has a chance to express itself.

    17. Hi Randy,

      I am father to two girls and I agree with you that your friend definitely loves his son. he wants his best. My father used to motivate "negatively" as well. It worked because "that was the way I was wired" but the price has to be paid in loss of joy, happiness and fulfilment. These proving programming is powerful but destructive, And there's no doubt about it that my dad loves me too.

      My wife and I have become very aware of our educational programming and we reflect it in the edcuation of our kids. Sometimes, I know exactly what to say to have them do something, how to manipulate them. But in most cases, I don't say it because I know the side effects. However, every child is individual. What might be harmful to one, might be completely different to another.

      Thanks for bringing that up.

      Be blessed

      Oliver

    18. Hi,
      Great post and postings.
      I have an inner-battle with myself. I try not to over-ride my children's decisions. That is of course if it is not life threatening or might affect others negatively. It might involve letting them choose what they want to wear or if they want to sign up for a certain activity or not. It is so easy to push and decide for them, asking them but not listening to their answer, convincing them to do something I really want for them. There is a fine line between pushing and instilling good habits (finish what you start, if you do something then do it right, etc...). I would love for my child to be the best on the team, to be the total achiever, to succeed at everything but I what I truly WANT is for my child to love sport and the outdoors, to be a team player, to know his/her limits, to stand his/her ground (especially to me!). This battle means trying to cheer instead of yell in sport, ask how it went instead of listing what went wrong. Trying not to label when criticizing actions (You are acting mean vs. you ARE mean, etc...). I am not sure that I am winning the inner-battle though I am aware of it. Good luck everyone with your pursuits! Happy Parenting!
      J

    19. This is a really good subject to contemplate. I think as a parent you can do just as your parents did, and avoid the work of questioning your parents. It is also possible to hate the way your parents raised you and do just the opposite. Doing just the opposite may not be the best either, because it is also a reaction. I have done both I think. It is a lot of work being a parent. It does take a lot of thinking and evaluating.

      I think the more we love ourselves and the better we parent ourselves the better a parent we are to our children.

    20. I have also experienced this with my father when I am in the 80's drove motoross. This was obviously no fun. The problem for me was that I was the same when I am in the 90's coached ice hockey, and with my own children. Not until a parent of the hockey team I trained called and told me that I should think about what I was doing. That was my wake-up call. I behaved exactly as I was brought up, and although I thought it was wrong, I did exactly as my father did. Children do not do what you say they are doing what you do. Today I can not imagine anything more offensive than someone standing and yelling at you what to do.

    21. This guy is a typical jerk parent. Probably had an idiot for a father, so he is just behaving the same way his father did. I feel sorry for the kid. Maybe the Dad will start a 12 step program and begin working on himself or get some counseling. It's people like him, that may love their kids, but have many issues that go far deeper than just parenthood. As a parent myself, I know it's not easy, and I know I have lost my cool on more than a few occasions, but have to set a good example for our children.

    22. I'm a great parent! I forward all your posts to my children and tell them if they ever want to be the best.. they better read em! LOL

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