Okay kids, it’s that time again. The time when we take a look back at the important events of the year, and the lessons they provide us. And since many of you are getting paid at your job this week, with no intentions of actually working, here’s a little diversion to kill the time!
In JANUARY the big story was the catastrophic earthquake in Haiti, killing tens of thousands of people. Preacher Pat Robertson suggested the massive quake was the result of a curse that sprang from a centuries-old deal with Satan.
Of course a few years ago Robertson also said that Orlando would be hit with hurricanes, earthquakes "and possibly a meteor" for allowing Gay groups to display rainbow flags during an event at Disney World. He later blamed Hurricane Katrina on abortion.
Later in the month, U.S. president Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union address. He noted that when he took office, the economy was tanking, we were in two wars, and the government was bankrupt. One year later he was proud to note the economy was tanking, we were in two wars, and the government was bankrupt, but his daughters now had a dog.
FEBRUARY was marked by sporting news. First up was Super Bowl XLIV. For those of you outside the United States, this is the big championship football game. Not real football; but the one played without feet or an actual ball. It’s an annual tradition requiring eight hours of pre-game analysis and ten hours of post game analysis for one hour of actual activity. (Interrupted by a halftime show featuring a musical act famous 30 to 40 years ago.)
This year CBS took a stand for morals and decency by refusing to air a commercial promoting a Gay dating site. This allowed them to sell the time to more socially redeeming advertisers like corn chips, Budweiser, and Go Daddy.
But of course the really big sporting news that month was the Winter Olympics held in the country to the north, “Cold Front.” Ha ha, just kidding. The venue is actually called “Canada,” which I believe is a suburb of Seattle. And I must say, the Canadians seemed a tad defensive when the games did not go off as planned…
They felt the media was nit picking over little details like no snow on the ski runs, melted ice in the skating rinks, the Olympic torch malfunctioning, and an athlete getting killed. However, they finally acknowledged the games were indeed a travesty, when the Canadian hockey team lost to the U.S.
But when their team won the rematch, the games were flawless again. They also took solace in the fact that they won the most Gold medals. (If you count the last one they were awarded for Cheesiest Closing Ceremony. Ever.)
And yes, I will admit to having a "man crush" on snowboarder Shaun White. Okay, maybe it’s just a crush.
Also in February, Tiger Woods broke his three-month silence and offered an apology for his transgressions. His press conference was scheduled at the beginning of a golf tournament sponsored by Accenture, the first company to drop him as an endorser. This was simply a coincidence.
In MARCH the big news in the U.S. was the passage of national health care bill. At a White House ceremony for the bill’s signing, Vice President Joe Biden introduced the president and was caught on a live microphone saying, “This is a big fucking deal.” This created an instant YouTube phenomenon, proving once again that the only thing funnier on the Internet than cat videos, are those featuring potty-mouthed elderly people.
In APRIL there were a few more minor things like floods, wars, and plane crashes. But of course the important news in the world was Tiger Woods’ return to golf.
Meanwhile in Iran, senior cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi stated that women who do not dress modestly increase earthquakes. Which just goes to show that leaders of fanatical Muslim cults are just as stupid as the leaders of fanatical Christian cults.
And since we’re on the subject of brain-dead, fundamentalists…
We began MAY with the saga of Baptist minister George Rekers, a prominent anti-Gay activist. Rekers hired an escort from sex site RentBoy.com to accompany him on a European vacation. Rekers claimed he had no idea the site provided sexual escorts and was renting the boy because he recently had surgery and couldn’t lift luggage.
Kind of curious though, since the home page features pictures of naked escorts with big dicks and video loops with guys rubbing each others' crotches. But it’s a simple enough mistake to make.
Also that month, Sarah Palin’s exciting new “drill baby, drill” oil exploration program began in the Gulf of Mexico. This features the new, secure technology that makes it safe to drill close to coastal areas. At least until it blew up, spilling millions of barrels of crude oil a day to pollute the gulf and coast for months. Fortunately BP had a fail-safe emergency plan, so no walruses were harmed from the spill. Buddhist leaders said the spill was caused by Lesbians using strap-on sex toys.
And returning to our topic of putting the mental back in fundamentalists, in MAY, congressman Mark Souder, another professed family values conservative, resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with a married aid. Earlier Souder and the aide had made a video promoting abstinence.
The big story of the month was the eruption of a volcano in Iceland, disrupting thousands of flights and leaving millions of people stranded at airports for days. I mention this now, since customers of United and Delta probably didn’t notice anything unusual. A Mormon spokesman said the eruption was caused by Scandinavian swingers.
Also in May, Faisal Shahzad hopped on a flight out of New York City, even though he was the prime suspect for planting a car bomb in Times Square. Which just shows the crack team at the TSA are still protecting us as well as they did last year against the underwear bomber. They will impound your baby formula, confiscate your nail clippers, and fondle your junk. But if you’re a wanted terrorist on the no fly list – sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight!
The same week, at least 30 people died in Nashville and thousands of homes were damaged by flash floods. A Vatican spokesperson revealed the floods were caused by masturbating faggots.
But of course floods, terrorist bombs and volcanoes couldn’t compare to the top story of the month – the series finale of LOST.
In the final episode, Sayeed entered that diner and did the hit on Tony Soprano. Ha, ha, I just made that up! In the real ending, Jack becomes an Amway distributor, Hurley gets drafted by the Yankees, and Locke joins the Jonas Bros. Ha, ha, I just made that up again! The real finale was actually much more bizarre…
After five years of subjecting viewers to flashbacks and flash forwards, the last show featured a “sideline.” This is a technical term in the literary world meaning, “when the writers are too lazy to tie together the loose plot lines.”
So in the final episode, all the main characters gathered for redemption and closure in a place that appears to be heaven’s waiting room. All of the main characters except Ecko, Michael and Walt that is. So apparently living on the island is just like living in the projects: The whites and Koreans make out okay, and the Black people get screwed.
Finally, we survived to JUNE, where Southwest Airlines made the news when a baggage handler discovered a bag containing human heads. Turns out the shipment was legitimate medical cargo, but hadn’t been labeled properly. No word yet if Southwest is changing their tagline, as one of my Twitter followers suggested, to “heads fly free.”
But of course the big news in June was the opening of the World Cup. (For you American readers, this is the football sport that actually uses both a “foot” and a “ball.” The highlights of these early rounds were, in no particular order:
• The French team going on strike;
• Argentine coach Diego Maradona running onto the pitch, tackling the ball and scoring a goal (Ha, ha, I just made that up); and,
• FIFA showing tremendous goodwill and compassion with their charitable act of hiring referees from the Helen Keller School for the Blind.
The tournament went mostly without incident, until an enraged fan crammed a vuvuzela up the rectum of the person behind him. Ok I made that up too. I just wish it had happened. (If you’re not familiar with the language, vuvuzela is a Swahili word meaning “really God damned irritating air horn.”)
This led us JULY, where the Cup culminated with the final showdown between the Netherlands and Spain. The match was an instant classic, which people will still be watching decades from now, whenever they suffer from insomnia.
It was 117 minutes of coma-inducing cautiousness by both teams, finally ending in a 1-0 win by Spain in the waning minutes of overtime, on a spectacular kick by Paul the psychic octopus.
In AUGUST, it was very hot and humid in Miami and I got athlete’s foot and jock itch.
In SEPTEMBER, the Republican party showed how they will restore dignity and responsibility to America when Roberk Burck announced he was running for the presidency in 2012. Burck is best known in NYC as the naked cowboy, because of his many years busking in his briefs for tourists in Times Square.
In OCTOBER, the world mourned the death of Charlie the smoking chimp at the South African zoo. Charlie started smoking when a visitor tossed in a lit cigarette in his cage that he picked up and mimicked the humans he saw smoking. For years the zookeepers tried in vain to keep people from feeding his habit. In the end Charlie puffed to age 52, which is ten years longer than the lifespan of the average chimp.
In NOVEMBER, Leslie Nielsen joined co-pilot Peter Graves in that big airplane in the sky. “Roger, Roger. What’s our clearance Clarence? And stop calling me Shirley!”
And finally in DECEMBER holiday air travel ground to a near standstill with the TSA installing body scanning devices in many airports. People opting out for radiation reasons slowed down the lines to a crawl. On a brighter note, the new machines did contribute to the reduction of unemployment. It seems there were many new job openings in the Los Angeles area. For fluffers.
So it’s no wonder that we’re all eagerly awaiting the New Year and to put 2010 behind us forever!
Actually, all snarky comments and satire aside, 2010 was my best year ever and hopefully yours as well.
Over the year I got to connect with tens of thousands of you in person. For the first time I conducted events in Brazil, Indonesia, Latvia, Kazakhstan, Romania, and Ecuador. It also was a chance for return engagements in Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Germany, Russia, Dubai, Korea, Costa Rica, Czech Republic, Canada, Mexico, Spain, the UK, Netherlands, Colombia, Sweden, Australia, and probably a few other places that slip my mind.
There has never been a more exciting time to be alive, and opportunity to create prosperity for you. One of my favorite projects of 2010 was the launch of my Prosperity TV channel. It’s filled with lots of videos to help you manifest health, happiness and prosperity. Please stop by, subscribe, and share it with your friends: http://www.youtube.com/randygage
Thanks for an amazing 2010. Best wishes for a Happy New Year…and Happy New You!