When Is It Wrong to be Right?
by Randy Gage
If you’re reasonably smart, and a critical thinker, you can win every argument. I once went ten years without ever losing an argument. And my ex’s can all testify to that. What might have something to do with why they’re ex’s…
The real issue was my low self-esteem. Subconsciously I needed to win arguments to try and prove my worth to myself. But of course it actually had the opposite effect. Took about four years of therapy, but I got to the point I actually liked myself. Then a funny thing happened…
I didn’t always have to be right. And find it quite helpful and illuminating to learn when I am wrong. And you know what else?
Sometimes I am right. But I still don’t have to win the argument.
Do you really get what that means?
I do not want to be right all the time and lose the ''war"
Sending you 2 Cds from 2 functions. Thanks Randy
....so the win-lose game, of which I thought that the win-type needs to win to have a successful feeling or a success on their personal account, is "just" because of low self-esteem?
Well, I didn´t know that at all!
My ex was a "win" type as well and many others, I met.
At a company I once worked for, I mentioned to a team-leader that I experienced that only successful people had the ability or greatness to let others win as well because their personal pott of success was full or even over loaded, so they were able to give.
We have to recall: we can only give what we got. :)
I now have to say: Do you hiding in my bedroom? How could you know so much about me? :)
We all repeat the same mistakes. Why are we doing this?
Привет Randy! Рад оказаться на твоем блоге, жаль только что не понимаю английского, а так бы интересно было почитать твои мысли. Ты тоже наверно не понимаешь моего русского?! =) Ладно, успехов тебе!!!
I have in my recent past been a person that was always right. I turned off an ex-wife, co-workers, siblings, and worst of all, my childten. Lately I've changed my tune and don't win every dispute. And guess, its been great!
Winning the argument may mean losing the friend. To me it also means that winning the argument just doesn't matter anymore. I know how I feel inside and justification isn't required. When I have a calm, confident attitude and we don't agree on the subject at hand, the other person's position really doesn't matter. A calm and peaceful attitude will help me see if maybe they actually have a point I hadn't fully considered. If we're not on the same page on matters of importance, we probably won't have a lot to talk about in the future but it helps if we're still friends instead of enemies. You never know when you might need to deal with someone again.
One of my challenges is to own that what comes up for me is not the holy truth. Using my discernment on the thoughts and impressions I get an subsequently molding my reality isn't more right than what he or she does. I am proud to believe that existence is something we share. By giving up being right I get acces to our shared reality.
It's so devastating to practise inside the paradigme of wanting to win. You are cut of from being in the world of the other. The achievements available in that old paradigme of winning in your own seperate world is just what is historical known.
New generations can create a new world.
If for the test of an alternative you suggest: "a world where everybody wins" you are stil operating inside that old box. Winners implies loosers.
A paradigme can not be fought. In the proces of imposing another view on you - I will take shape of you.
Love and Respect - Pierre Leysssc, cph
Time poves if you are right or not. There is no need to argue or prove anything.
It is better to have peace than be a winner
You must let the time show you are right when you are right if you are not time will show you too.
We do not need to probe we are right...
Once I was with someone called Chris and in front of him I argued with another person, Peter. Afterwards Chris said to me, Don't you ever do that again! I decided to do what Chris said, and I had a very different week than what I was used to, not arguing. Freer, peaceful, less stressed. I thought Chris incredibly wise. Then I found out the reason he said it was Peter was mentally ill and unpredictably extremely violent and that was what he had been referring to, I had unknowingly been putting myself and him at risk of violence. Some people can't take an argument. It is quite a different experience to commit to not arguing if you usually do. Another thing, a rich person I know says he could get into an argument every hour of the day but he doesn't because he doesn't get his work done, he avoids them. Arguments, another obstacle?
A wise person once told me it is better to be kind than try to be right all the time.
When I remember this in the heat of the moment it does me a lot of favors.
All the best,
Choose your fights... "You could be right" .. can stop someone in their tracks. Being "right" is not always healthy! Choose wisely.
I do RG, because I too let go the need to win arguments, or even play the right and wrong game.
Seriously. 2 people have 2 different viewpoints. You like chocolate ice cream. I like vanilla. Trying to convince you chocolate is better than vanilla, or why I'm right and you're wrong, just shows what a loon I am. 2 opinions. That's it.
Trying to be right also shows how shaky your belief system is. Going on and on about how you are right and others are wrong only shows how little you believe in yourself, and your beliefs.
Amen! Been there done that! It's sooo nice to know that in the clinch, you could take the lead, save the day and have some great answers. It's also ok to let others tell their story without correcting the details or shutting them down in other ways. If no ones going to get hurt, nothing bad will happen, what does it matter who's right? Share, nod your head, agree to disagree or say amen! Then walk away, arm and arm and go have a hot chocolate together.
When I encounter people that have 'the need to be right all the time', I usually run for the hills. For me, it shows a severe case of insecurity which is rampant these days. I also run for the hills when I meet people that talk about themselves, their accomplishments, etc. without so much as asking a single thing about the other people around.
As to 'winning' arguments, I generally don't argue with others that often. If I have a different point of view, I will usually ask, "Would you be willing to hear a different perspective about X,Y,Z?". If not, I don't bother.
I notice that the people that need to be right are usually the most insecure and lack self esteem. Call me crazy, but that's my two cents worth.
Yip!! You don't need someone to agree that you are right, to be right. Sometimes, its good to just keep your rightness to yourself.;-)
When it becomes important for you to be right it also becomes vital you make the other person wrong. Although it may feel self satisfying, temporarily, you are damaging a lot more than the right to be right.
Constantly assuming you are the only one with the right answer crushes the flow of creativity and the enjoyment of conversation and general banter. You isolate yourself as others work around you, to avoid you.
The greatest ideas will not come from your head but from the creative thinking of others. However, if you are the 'right one' then you lose the creative juices of those who you make wrong.
If your way (in your mind) is the only way, and therefore all other ways are wrong, you'll develop false friendships and shallow relationships.
Parenting normally bashes the need to be right out of most of us by the time our children reach teenage-hood because 'compromise and debate' and far greater skills to employ than dictatorship.
You cannot be right for everyone, others simply know more than you on at least one topic. Being right is so needless and is an ugly characteristic at the best of times and plain boring most of the time.
I'm finding the power of : "Is that so?". We don't know what we don't know. Being open to a different perspective is liberating.
Don't I hate it when I am right and loose anyway because the other person can argue better than I can.
Great stuff RG.
People with low self-esteem try to compensate with all sorts of negative behaviour. Once you have true self-esteem the need for anything like that simply evaporates.
Now, I don't think it means you can't have a passionate debate! It needs to come from a place of "being content and comfortable in your own skin" enough to not HAVE TO impose your viewpoint, but allow people to walk their own path.
Different ballgame when it comes to relationships though! Much more of a challenge because of the emotions involved with your respective partner.
You don't have to get it right, you just have to get it going. (No need to be perfect)
There'd be much less arguing if everyone argued "FOR" prosperity. (not against it)
Make your own evolution your purpose in life. It's what you orginally chose to do before you were born.