When I’m President…
By Randy Gage
April 25th, 2008
Well Hillary & Obama seem hopelessly deadlocked on who can give away more free health care, prescriptions and goodies. And John McCain seems like a nice guy to have at your family reunion, but we’re talking about electing the leader of the (kind of) free world here.
So I’ve done the only logical thing and answered the call of my country. I am officially announcing my candidacy for president of the United States of America.
Now I reserve the right to modify the campaign later, and go for benevolent dictator of the world, but for now I’ll settle for the presidency. As there may be a few of you not familiar with my positions on the issues, here’s a synopsis of my campaign platform:
When I’m President…all trendy yuppie restaurants have to come up with a new dish to replace Chilean Sea bass.
When I’m President…all presidents who want to invade (or “liberate”) other countries must lead the charge on horseback.
When I’m President…Christmas songs cannot be played on the radio before December 15th or after noon on December 25. And people who don’t take down the Christmas lights by January 1st will be interned in special trailer parks in West Virginia.
When I’m President…Each night on the graveyard shift, the DJs on all oldies stations have to play “The Load Out/Stay” by Jackson Browne, and the long version of “American Pie.” And during the same hours each classic rock station must play “Silent Lucidity” by Queensryche and “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd. Naturally all country stations must play the live version of Garth Brooks doing “Friends in Low Places” and David Allen Coe singing that positive country classic about him being drunk the day his mom got out of prison and got run over by a train.
When I’m President…Rush Limbaugh will be required to go back on drugs. And Paula Abdul must get off them.
When I’m President…The death penalty shall be abolished, except for cases of extreme transgressions such as drive through window clerks who give you the wrong order. Or people who lick their fingers when going through a salad bar. Or drivers who creep out and then are blocking the intersection when your light is green.
When I’m President…It will be illegal to manufacture nylon bicycle shorts in waist sizes larger than 34 inches. And finally,
When I’m President…The writers for the “CSI” and “Law & Order” TV shows will be required to write story lines more believable than the ridiculous ones they give us now. Something much more plausible to actually happen, like the plot of “Alien vs. Predator.”
I can’t save this country alone. I need your support. Unfortunately the campaign website where you can contribute isn’t ready yet. So in the meantime, feel free to send me PRADA gift certificates!
-RG
