Keeping Others Happy
by Randy Gage
Many people, they think it’s noble, spiritual, or righteous to make serving others your purpose in life. I believe nothing could be further from the truth.
I can’t think of anything more sick, twisted, and dysfunctional than the people who go through their whole lives trying to keep others happy. I tried that for years, back when my self-esteem was in the basement. I finally learned that it is the quickest route to neurosis.
You must not sacrifice yourself to others because that is depravity, a certain state of moral corruption and degradation. It is a sure symptom of mental illness. Do you really get that?
And likewise for the opposite situation. You shouldn’t ask others to sacrifice for you, for that is no less sick and depraved. Corrupting the morals of others is no less evil than corrupting your own.
Your moral prerogative is to make sure your own needs are met. Only then can you really help anyone else. And if everyone lived by this philosophy, you’d be amazed at what a wonderful place the world would be.
So please give all this some critical thought. And we’ll pick up there on the next post.
-RG
Service not dysfunctional altruism
“Dan Clark recalls that when he was a teenager, he and his father once stood in line to buy tickets for the circus. As they waited, they noticed the family immediately in front of them.
The parents were holding hands, and they had eight children in tow, all behaved well and all probably under the age of twelve. Based on their clean but simple clothing, he suspected they didn’t have a lot of money. The kids jabbered about the exciting things they expected to see, and he could tell that the circus was going to be a new adventure for them.
As the couple approached the counter, the attendant asked how many tickets they wanted. The man proudly responded, “Please let me buy eight children’s tickets and two adult tickets so I can take my family to the circus.”
When the attendant quoted the price, the man’s wife let go of his hand and her head dropped. The man leaned a little closer and asked, “How much did you say?” The attendant again quoted the price. The man obviously didn’t have enough money. He looked crushed.
Clark says his father watched all of this, put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, and dropped it on the ground.
His father then reached down, picked up the bill, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me sir, this fell out of your pocket.”
The man knew exactly what was going on. He looked straight into Clark’s father’s eyes, took his hand, shook it, and with a tear streaming down his cheek, replied, “Thank
you, thank you, sir. This really means a lot to me and my family.”
Clark and his father went back to their car and drove home. They didn’t have enough money to go to the circus that night, but it didn’t matter. They had encouraged a whole family. And it was something neither family would ever forget.”
Just my point of view... DOING something for others DO bring us great joy. :o)
Hello Randy.
Your post has resluted in getting a bunch of folks all fired up and I loved reading the dialogue betwee you and your faithfuls.
If giving of oneself is a conscious choice . . . does it change the conversation?
IMHO the world needs more people who want to give their time, talent and treasure. By the way - not because they are being asked to . . but because they want to. There is a subtle difference between the two. I believe the extreme view that Ayn Rand promotes in "The Virtue of Selfishness" in unhealthy and though I agree that stability will make it easier to give of your time, talent & treasure - we should not wait until all of the cosmic pieces are completely aligned for we cod easily miss the opportunity to do something good.
What can be learned from a blind horse? http://wp.me/pjxv2-o
Thanks for your provoking insight. Keep up the good work.
John Armatas
Incredible as it touches this issue in the sensitivity of the people. Every day I read the page and this issue has touched the sensibilities of many. On the one hand, as I read in one comment, for me there is not a fine line, I think there is a big difference between "serving others" and "make others happy."
Serving others does not mean to make them happy. On the one hand, we go with the example, when Christ told the disciples, who had to eat his flesh and drink his blood, he said figuratively, what he meant was that was to hold communion with him, sharing bread and wine, representing his body and blood. Many of his disciples did not understand it and were outraged, believing they had become cannibals. They were shocked, they said that what Jesus said was impossible and abnormal. They had not understood. Jesus then told Peter and left, that "if you wanted to go, just go". But Peter answered that Jesus was the path.
Jesus did not bring happiness to all the disciples, did not say, please forgive me, I did not say that, better say something else to make them happy. But he said, if you also want to go do it.
Jesus came to serve others, not to make everyone happy, as not all are so inclined. He came to as teach his word and his love, did not come to accommodate his path with each individual to make them happy, but everyone should be switching to him to be happy.
Randy for instance, you teaching is a service to others, some ara happy, although not all are happy with your comments, some others disagree. However, serve to help others achieve better goals.
I am a pastor in a Christian community. When we make spiritual visits to our memebers, what we do is to clarify the shows created with love, forgiveness, patience, faith in eternity, compassion for others, if something is not a good feeling, it just not a good feeling, we not change the massege to make happy.
A simple example. I love my children with all my heart. Yesterday the youngest was with a strong indigestion. He spent the whole afternoon very broken down and cried because the headake, broke my heart to see him like taht. Later, after a short time he felt better and wanted to eat ice cream and drinking soda. What do you think my answer was? A resounding NO. I love him, and though he was craying and told me I was a bad dad for not giving gas, I was firm. He was not happy, he was angry with me, but there is something that maybe he still does not understand, I'm willing to do anything for him and his brother. He is will understanad that some day, when he grow.
We will understand whn we grow.
Serving others is to teache to others the way to a better place or future, to anyone who wants to follow, and if you keep it because it makes you happy.
Live to make others happy is to live in a dependency unreal. Does anyone think that anyone can make everyone happy? It is impossible, because not all want to be happy.
I had an interesting situation last weekend. I'd promised my sister some weeks earlier that I'd help her move house over the weekend. On the Friday before I let her know that I'd be able to help out for most of Saturday but that I wouldn't be able to help out on Sunday because I needed to do several hours of study. I felt torn on the Sunday. On one hand I felt like I'd done what was right for me, rather than sacrificing myself for someone else, because she really needed my help on the Sunday as well but on the other hand I didn't feel good about it.
I spent some time thinking it through and then realised that it was my integrity that was making me uneasy. I had in fact committed to helping her out over the whole weekend, so I went and helped out on the Sunday as well. I ended up feeling really good about it and I managed to fit the study in somewhere else.
I think that if my motivation for helping out on the Sunday had been because she really, really needed me, it wouldn't have felt good to be there.
Hey Randy,
Interesting post. To me, serving others doesn't necessarily mean trying to keep them happy. It means looking to add value to the world. Your blog is called the prosperity blog for a reason, right? I do agree living our lives to PLEASE others would be a big mistake.
CLEARLY, ASKING AND SURRENDERING TO THE UNIVERSAL POWERS THAT BE. S.D.L. WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS TAKING SO LONG? IT'S BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE NEED TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE RESPECTED FOR THEM TO COME FORWARD.
ACCESS TO POWER COMES FROM CARING ENOUGH TO GIVE LOVE TO THE LIFE SOURCE THAT LIVES INSIDE YOU AND TO SPREAD THAT OUT TO OTHERS. IT'S THAT SIMPLE!!!
IT'S RAW CARING LOVE - REPEAT - IT'S RAW CARING LOVE - REPEAT - IT'S RAW CARING LOVE!!! C'MON
ONE MUST CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ONE'S SELF BEFORE HE/SHE CAN GO OUT AND MOVE THINGS FORWARD.
RESPECT AND A TRUE CARING LOVE OF THE LIFE SOURCE IS THE ONLY WAY TO MOVE FORWARD AND THAT IS NOT MENTAL ILLNESS IT'S THE TRUTH.
SAMUEL DANIEL LOVELESS
PUREENERGY312
I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.
Si vives en Venezuela, esto es muy común. Aquí llega a ser tan "prioritario" vivir complaciendo a los demás, que si te vuelves Emprendedor, eres quemado como Judas...
Las personas parecen no darse cuenta que la única manera de ayudar a los demás es con el ejemplo que demos con nuestras propias vidas llenas de prosperidad y abundancia. Aquel que elige la miseria y la pobreza no saldrá de allí bajo ningún motivo!
To me, its simply about where does the giving/service emanate from? Does it emanate from rock solid self love and prioritizing my own needs first (because I have this self love)? Or does it emanate from a place of unconsciously searching to fill the voids of lack of self esteem and self love by giving to others and falsely using that reflection that we get back to try to superficially fill this void? Giving from aplace of health/esteem/self love and self prioritizing is vastly different than giving because we're unhealthy/needy/dysfunctional and unaware of it...and that's what I feel Randy (and Wattles is saying). Its not about one or the other, give or don't give, serve or don't serve, its simply about where psychologically/spiritually is the giving emanating from.
I have had the good fortune of connecting with entrepreneurial/artist types who believe in me, as do people here.
I am grateful.
Some of them have bootstrapped from little or nothing, and one of them is a musician who has never held a traditional job in his entire life because he
he has learned to support himself while honing his musical talents. His name is Oleg Mokhov, and I consider him a friend, even though we have never met.
We talk regularly, and we teach each other back and forth.
His music is awesome too. check him out here: www.olegmokhov.com
I'd rather put my time into providing value that way, while building things such as products/services related to my interest in music. I have spent a lot of time learning about what to do and connecting with others, and will continue to until I die.
I know I stand a much better chance at succeeding than trying to compete with everyone else at a game where most people are generic, and are one paycheck away from bankruptcy and do work which does not feed my soul.
In other words, I'd rather have the pain experienced with moving forward and learning to rely on myself more, than struggle at things which bring me no joy and that everyone else is doing, and that I do not have the willpower to force myself to do just because they are "normal."
I lost a job in Feb, and the market in my area is not good, and at present I am staying with my family, and we have never had a high level of understanding.
I am wondering what I could do to illustrate
that this is the best course of action for me to take at this point, especially since the "magical" days of the traditional career have ended, and my heart is not in sacrificing myself to a company or other people for the rest of my life.
I have already done far too much, and I am not willing to do it any more.
Does my work have to be high quality and resonate with others? Yes. It is no different than any other enterprise.
Hi Tom,
I have been thinking about you today, and I still think you are wise and observant. I hope you will recieve that.
I have said empathize with those you don't agree with and mentioned your parents. But, I have to tell you, I love my parents, but I also know they are bad for me sometimes and don't always have my back.
I don't know if this is the case with you, but if you are living with family that does not understand you or support you, I hope you can move away as quickly as possible. :) Take Care Tom.
Annie
I have decided that if I succeed at my craziness, I will empower people because no one empowered me.
I've been able to get away before.
This time I won't have to come back again.
It will be harder than the other times because of the present situation, but the world will hear the synthesizer that represents my Voice, the drum machine that represents my Heartbeat, and the Song which is my Soul.
I tell my story here so that other people will know.
There will be other people who have been destroyed by others who put more energy into forcing people to be someone else than into themselves.
My victory will not only be for me, but on behalf of those who were destroyed by Dreamkillers.
In an interesting coincidence, the sound which loads whenever I turn my synthesizer on, is called "The Dream".
Cool.
Fired up and focused! Atlas Shrugged the Movie is coming on 15 April. Spread the word.
I say to Da living, 'TRY TO DO A GOOD; EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN THE BAD' by; Crome Kenine. C.E.O CromeWealth Ent. I'm of the shool that believe's one must be first empowered & successful befor one can truely give back to the society.
Randy
I love what you wrote. The truth rises like cream.
Yes we serve the world better when we are serving ourselves.
We "sacrifice" so we dont have to face our own responsibilities. So much easier to enable others.
The truth is we have a responsibility to ourselves to live to OUR highest purpose.
I have lately learnt that our fingerprints are formed at 16 weeks after gestation. That the soul chooses its life based on the fingerprints, and the life lesson and purpose (also shown on fingerprints) So we are here to serve our purpose. We cannot change other people. We cannot make others happy. We cannot direct them from their life path. We can only follow our own purpose and path, if we are enlightened enough to pay attention & bold enough to dare.
Jen
Randy
The thoughts you shared here and in your book gave me a different take on a couple of familiar stories.
First, there is, "What will it profit a person to gain the whole world but lose their soul?", which, like most people, I have read as an injunction not to go and get all that material wealth at the expense of spiritual wealth.
But what you have said has prompted me to read it as a reminder that we are all here with a unique and personal destiny that we must heed and not sell out by trying to gain the approval of the whole world.
The second is the parable of the 10 virgins, where the 9 "selfishly" refused to share their oil with the one who ran out of it at the critical time. Again, the same lesson about looking after our own life (or lamp) which nobody else can do for us.
The important thing for me is that these thoughts buoy me up and give me such a boost in how I think about what I and my life can be about.
Thank you, my friend!
kh
What is it about you Randy. Are you serious? Your self esteem in the bucket? Telling your readers that life is all about us? Don't you get it. Everything in life that is worth anything comes from the heart. We grow our hearts in selflessness, not selfishness. I am not trying to minimize your lifes work in the area of prosperity but... are you serious? I get that no matter what you are giving in life that you have to own it first, especially love, to be in a position to give. I agree that being a people pleaser is self fullfilling. Do You? The world is full of people looking for the magic bullet, the pill for happiness and the latest greatest way to make money. I contribute to this blog because I realize the importance of prosperity and abundance, especially if you are still trying to aquire it but I am quite saddened by your opinion on this blog. "to whom much is given, much is expected". Co dependency is one thing but giving unconditionally is a grace and a gift from God. I hope your bloggers do not misunderstand your message and I will be frank that I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you may not realize the message you are sending. Life is all about learning to be selfless. That's where all the gifts come from. I hope you take time to clarify this one if only for my benefit so I know my contributions to your site are worth continuing.
Mary-Ellen,
You are a truly decent person with a loving heart.
What Randy described as selfish is totally different from common understanding of its meaning as being self-centered.
I can see where it would be confusing, so what if we say that selfish = personal fulfillment, and selfless = discontent.
For example, you pointed out that giving is a selfless act without expectation of anything in return. I understand the meaning because the act of giving is unconditional.
But let me ask you a question, when you give and/or help someone, does it make you happy? When you make a difference in someone's life, do you personally feel happy and fulfilled?
So, without expecting anything in return, would it be fair to say that you did get something anyway - personal happiness?
Now, if giving did not make you happy and fulfilled, would you still keep giving?
The first would be selfish (in a good way), the second would be selfless (if you kept giving...)
Love and peace,
Victoria
Hi Victoria,
I agree that when we give, especially from our hearts with humility and gratitude, that we receive a gift from our act. We lose the gift if we speak of it as the bible explains in one verse that comes to mind, don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing or if we do it for self fullfilling reasons. We lose the gift when we express the act to others. We keep the reward when we don't. I totally get the whole co dependent disease, having suffered from it for years, and I fully agree that it is unhealthy, dysfunctional and ego driven to think that we have the power to control anyone's happiness. I do believe that we all have a god given choice to bring happiness into eachothers lives as long as it's not for self serving, self fullfilling reasons which is often why it is done.
"Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them...Therefore, when you do a charitable deed do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypoctites do...that they may have glory from men...do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret..."
Matthew 6:1-4
Totally agree with it.
And it does feel good to give, especially in secret, doesn't it...
Victoria
Yes it does Victoria. Not in the sense that I know more, but in the sense that I try, with much need for improvement, to help people understand it. It took me a long time to get it and I can express this from personal experience, that it takes time and experience and pain to get it, that once you do, you really are able to get the true gifts that don't disipate. Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts. I truly am trying to help others from my experience. Isn't that what life is all about when it comes to these blogs. Sharing the pain, struggle, challenges, growth, to others so they see that, no matter where you are, there is always more. More to learn. More to know. More to give. More to understand. More to contribute??? I remember ordering a training program from Randy many years ago, which was excellent. I saw a man in his videos. It was my Dad. I had lost him in Fla. to a heart attack and had not seen him for a few years. The tapes gave me 6 hours of him. Priceless. I don't know why god brings us together but I know he always has a reason behind it. I am on this blog because of what I received from Randy in those tapes. I hope that I contribute back in some ways, even with my non conforming opinions.
Mary-Ellen,
I like nonconforming opinions as long as they are based on concrete set of values, which you consistently demonstrate.
I read all your posts and find you to be genuinely kind and caring person. You definitely walk the walk. It is a pleasure to learn from you. And if I don't respond, I am still listening...
Thank you for being here,
Victoria
What is really important to undestand here is that happiness is a very personal thing. You can spend your entire life helping others and nobody may change. Living a happy life is the responsability of each one of us, that's it. The more you experience, the better. Play as much as you can, and there will be so much love inside of you that you will be loving others automatically.
Hi Mary-Ellen,
Wow this is amazing what you said below about seeing your father in one of my videos. I will be exploring this subject more in the next post.
-RG
Sometimes we give gifts we don't ever know about. This would be a fascinating subject to explore in future posts. It's so amazing, when these types of things happen and how the timing is always spot on. I was going through a rough time when I ordered your training tapes and very much missing my father. It lifted my spirits so much to see him smiling and enjoying himself. He passed away one month after you taped the training and the only way I believed it was him was by seeing his very unique diamond ring that he always wore which could clearly be seen. That was the one thing he insisted that I receive from him in his will. AMAZING.
Totally agree! I see this in some people around me.
Randy,
This post reminds me of instructions given by flight attendants:
In the event of emergency, first place the oxygen mask on yourself, and then help the person next to you...
Victoria
Randy-
From a non-dualistic perspective, there is no one "out there" to serve. So if I choose to serve somebody, I am actually serving myself. Understanding non-duality, when I serve someone or do something to make them happy,or, for that matter, do anything to anyone else, I am actually doing it to myself. So if I choose to serve somebody or do something to make them happy, I know it's for selfish reasons as I am doing it for myself.
I don't believe the line between "making others happy" and "service" is that fine actually. I think it is more about one's definition of what ""making others happy" and what "service" is.
I believe you can be a true servant without having to give up the core of who you are and what makes you unique, but you cannot make others "happy" without sacrificing that core of yourself. The problem with "happiness" is that is variable from person to person. What makes one person "happy" may not make another "happy." For example, a cup of hot coffee with cream and sugar in the morning makes me happy but would not make my partner happy. He would rather have his coffee black. For either of us to switch to the other person's way of drinking coffee would be disastrous. It would make me cranky and him sick. To try and make everyone around me "happy" would deny my basic instinct for self-preservation. Because what if what makes my partner happy is to eat anything and everything he likes but I am allergic to certain foods to the point that some of them would put me in anaphalactic shock and possibly kill me. Self-preservation says "Great for you man but I will pass and please dont cook my food in the same pots you cook yours in."
Service is meeting a need. The basic needs of all mankind are air, sustenance, shelter, and clothing. Service provides that I can still meet my own needs and while assisting where needed without sacrificing my basic instinct for self-preservation. For example, in the dead of winter I meet a homeless person who doesn't know where to find a shelter in the community. I can give that person a lift to the shelter in my area. I may not have made them happy by giving them my rent check or putting them up at my house but I *served* them by helping them get to someplace safe. It took a few minutes of my time and I was able to meet one of their basic needs without infringing on my own basic needs.
The need to make others happy is definitely a sickness but service to others is not. Without that need to serve others we would not have the inventions or technologies we enjoy today. What if, instead of a need to serve, the Wright Brothers had had a need to please? Or what if, Bill Gates had had a need to please instead of a need to serve? No planes, no internet for just 2 examples.
I think it's really time for people to get their definitions of "need to serve" and "need to please" straight.
Good point, Kahlana
I can make my kids happy by giving them tons if icecream and lollies. But that's not serving them. And I can serve them by teaching them to be independent and learn self discipline, but for the most part (in the short term) that does not make them happy. At least that's what they tell me.
As a people pleaser, I am layin' low.
Your post is thought provoking to me. Also, it is kinda severe. I mean Whoa Tiger! Moral Depravity, Mental Illness, Degredation, and Untimely death (I just added that one)! I have to say your post here is far more depressing to me than reading the morning paper.
While all those things can happen if you have loosey goosey boundries and masochistic tendencies, it is important to note two things. I think most people who have posted have hit on them already.
One: As terrible as codependency is, and as difficult as it can be to deal with and overcome, it is a learned behavior usually from some form of tragedy. Also, life is a learning process, and for some people they are doing the best they can to deal with these issues, so a little empathy please. That way we can love ourselves and grow too.
Second: There are healthy aspects of all these traits too. Finding the balance and taking care of oneself allows one to give and sacrafice in healthy ways. :) I know you kinda said that. Kinda.
Keeping Others Happy at the Expense of Our Own Happiness, is what this title should be. I get it. After saying all that, it is good to get us to realize the seriousness of certain dysfunctional behavior, but in every dysfunction there is a strength that can be found and worked on as well.
I figured you would be swallowing your teeth when you read this one!
-RG
What!?
Isn't true happiness all about others? I have experieced greater happiness buying a car, clothing, housing, etc... as I have putting a smile on someone else's face. I don't discount the pleasure in being in a position to write a check to cure a pain or cause, but ultimately the greatest gift of all is knowing that what you had to give was nothing about you but everything about the other person. That's LOVE>
Mary-Ellen, I agree with you, loving others is the true path to happiness. I think though, that Randy is talking about unhealthy codependent behavior. I mean, I think, perhaps we will know more later.
I would actually say too, that sacrafice is always a part of love. Loving another and loving ourselves is real work and sacrafice.
Also, I don't think there is anything wrong with living your life to serve others if that what makes you happy! :)
Annie
PS I think it is only a moral perogative to giet your own needs met, if you can! Not everyone can, I don't believe that they are morally depraved. And, furthermore, it is my Christian belief that we have a moral perogative to help those who are in need, if we can.
I agree Annie. I have learned so many things in this short time on earth and the most important thing to date has been the importance of selfless giving. If there is a need you see, fill it. If there is a broken heart, hug it. If there is a hungry child, feed it. The gifts I get from just living life in the moment, asking God to guide me have been more fullfilling than living at the top of the heap, flying in the best private jet, dining on the finest food, wearing the best of clothes, looking more beautiful than any other woman in the room. I guess you have to go through it all to truly understand and I get that but I really want people to know that all that stuff is not what it's all about. I wonder if my wisdom is the best fit for this blog but it comes from my heart and I don't think anything bad can come from there.
Mary-Ellen, thank you for your reply. I don't know to much about the blog world, that probably gets me into trouble too. However, I think wisdom of any kind should be welcome everywhere!
Annie
PS I think your wisdom is much appreciated here. It is by my me, and I am sure many others as well.
PS Mary-Ellen, So sorry about your Dad. Thanks for sharing that with us.
Annie
Co-dependent people are obsessed with safety, and stick to people and organizations which harm themselves and the people they love.
They hide amongst religion and the security of a union and/or the "good job" instead of finding something which moves them and provides value.
Unions and religions encourage people to not take personal responsibility for their own futures and the futures of their children, because God, the Company, or the Government will do everything for them.
It encourages people to neglect, ignore, and postpone everything about who they are for the sake of a group.
Sadly, there are many people who do nothing to help themselves or their children become the best they are able to be, instead forcing them to be people they are not.
I should know, I was raised by people exactly like this, and I am not willing to allow myself or whoever comes after me to suffer the way I did.
All of this affirms the fact that being you is wrong, and even evil.
People who I have known who are happy and successful do not need to rely on trade organizations to solve their problems for them, use others, or have God protect them.
You are so wise Tom. Live your life the way you see best, just remember to have empathy and understanding for those who don't. :)(Like your parents maybe.)
Annie
I don't consider myself wise, just observant.
People who love themselves don't have a need to force other people to be like them, they'd rather help them grow.
I am also bothered by anyone who puts things, money, titles, and the approval of others, above other people.
Do I think people should give up any of these for others?
No
But if it's harming someone else, I have a problem with that.
Hi Tom-
Here's a powerful exercise: whenever I am bothered by something, I ask myself, "why am I bothered by this? What is it in me that is causing me to be bothered by this person or situation?" It's never about the outer, always about the inner.
Hey Randy, thanks for sharing that. Some people believe serving others is spiritual, although apart of serving does entail some spirituality. As you mentioned, however our needs have to be taken care of first before others. Our families come first before others. I think it can be so easy to serve others to the point that we neglect the needs under our own roof.
Impeccable timing on this one, Randy! Thank you!
RG,
At first I was surprised, but then I realized helping and serving others is different from a co-dependent sickness of becoming the other person so you can live.
Someone jokingly said recently, "that if you want to find Osama Bin Laden, they should drop 2 co-dependents into Pakistan and within a week they will find him".
Thanks for a good post.
Jim
Serving others and making them happy are great things to do. But I can see that making it your purpose in life is not a great thing. Even Mother Theresa would have needed to put her own physical, emotional and spiritual needs before those of others.
I believe that our desire to please and serve others plays an important role in helping maintain cohesive communities. I often feel great after dong something nice for someone. I give a lot of time and attention to my children and husband, and I love doing so and wouldn't have it any other way.
However there is a balance. And this balance can tip either way. Being too self centered without considering the needs of others does not do yourself or anyone else any good.
Helping others to the detriment of yourself is not good either. I do not think it is a sign of mental illness, I think it is a sign that you haven't taken the time to determine your own needs and direction.
I think having personal values/mission statement/goals/principles that you live by and refer to daily is crucial to keeping the balance of how much to help others. It helps you make wise decisions about when and how you can help someone. It helps you know when to say no, because it interferes with one of your important values/principles/goals. I think it is the best way to negotiate the multitude of opportunities, demands, requests etc. that we are presented with each day.
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