Choosing to Change
by Randy Gage
So how do you deal with negative people? A difficult boss. Or a bad economy.
You change you.
Because all those other things aren’t really about you. They only have power over you if you let them. For most people, that means having a willingness to change. You may have to let go of being a victim. Let go of limiting beliefs. Let go of the self-image you have of yourself.
Be willing to let go of who you are, to become who you are meant to be.
You up for it?
@doristurmero Thanks 4 getting the word out!
For YEARS, and I still must be wary of doing this, I would feel the discomfort of some situation, a bad boss, a negative person, a bad economy, whatever the case and would then work my ass off to get them to accommodate my 'feelings' of discomfort.
As a fellow Alanon used to say, 'I'd get cold and tell the other person to put a sweater on.'
I think the BIGGEST challenge to overcome here is, it isn't about THEM. The other person or situation can be as negative as hell and other people may not even notice!
If I feel annoyed or uncomfortable or brought down by someone or something, then *I* am the one to deal with, not them. Only *I* can change my attitude, my outlook, or discover why it's bothering me so much.
I've learned a lot about this during my divorce from an alcoholic.
I remember I used to say, 'The alcoholism is HIS problem!' And my mom would say, He doesn't have a problem with it, YOU do.'
That may ruffle a few feathers here. He may have to suffer the consequences of his actions, true. But I was completely pissed off, irritated, and fed up with his alcoholism. It was MY problem. Could I change him? Trust me, I tried for years.
What I could do was change ME. I didn't have to accept unacceptable behavior. So I left. *I* changed. I went to Alanon, I got healthy, I did things in a way that was best for ME.
HE still deals with his alcoholism. But it's not my problem any more.
I still have a tendency to project. The old, 'I"m cold, put a sweater on.' But I catch myself doing it now. That's a huge part of 'recovery' of victim hood. Catching ourselves doing it.
Whew! Thanks again for the brain poke, Randy. Heehee.
One thing was brought to the forefront with Whitney Houston's death was the negative side effects of domestic abuse. Bobby Brown is not a kind man and abused Whitney and possibly their daughter, and lead her down the pathway of drug addiction.While I view her death and the suffering which lead to her death as extremely tragic, many successful creative people are sucked into abusive relationships and addiction possibly due to their own negative upbringing/experiences. While some people develop creative mindsets due to encouragement or just having a natural tendency, the dark side of creativity in the arts, writing, and music can be brought about by a need to cope with inattentive and abusive people.This does not excuse the choices which people made which lead to their own self-destruction, but it is clear that positive, stable people attract other positive stable people, and unfortunately, vice versa into their lives.The cruelty of immature men who refuse to deal with their problems and abuse women and children has to stop, and the only way it will stop is to prevent it at the source, educate the general population about it, and find ways to help those who were hurt, as well as if possible, treat the men who believe that other human beings have no worth and are objects to be used and abused at will.I grew up in such a household, and this made me realize I'd better push myself to succeed so I can ensure that this sick, twisted, anti-human behavior is wiped from the world forever.
@ThomasMrak Thomas, i guess it´s not the drugs primarily. It is about - 2 strong people meet!! Big gravitation. Primarily.
I had a weird experience once with a very strong (mentally) guy, back in my teenage years. Off in another country. The whole scenery (we met approx. 3 times) ended up in tears, for himself, sobbing, telling me, he loves me because I was the first who said "No" to him. He was about to rape me...
and we met again, few days later and this was the end of my trip. No, we never met again but I´ll never forget what his strength and mine were about once we got together in that country - and the dynamics which created this situation. Well, we have to be strong to survive our hells and show-up as strong.
So any time I read about people who kill themselves or end up in death to early, being together with someone strong, i have to think of my experience back in 1980 and the twisted end of it.
"The Deathcycle of the Middle Class"http://ryanblair.com/blog/the-dangerous-death-cycle-of-the-middle-class/
So true Randy. Most of us think that when we don't like what we see with people is to change their behavior. It is much easier to change our own behavior/reactions.
It's an on-going on-going on-going process, isn't it, this letting go of who-I-am to become who-I-will-be, and then letting go of that one for the sake of the next ....
Today I've been recognizing two negatives in my life (The Rock & The Hard Place) - one being the financial necessity of downsizing to a new home, with all attendant worries & fears, the other being Honoured Husband - this long-term marriage stuff is a killer-diller sometimes. So you are saying, Randy ... I gotta change MY Self?!? Awww maaaannnnn.... not again?
The Rock & the Hard Place are, of course, both just stage-props, made of styrofoam. At some level, I know that - I made 'em myself. Most of the time, however, I'm caught up in the play, I identify completely with Me The Actress.
I wonder...what is the change I need to make? Who do I need to become, in order to enjoy this role? I'm planning to stay in the role (sell this house, buy the new one; honour my commitment to stay married to this man).
As Randy might say (?) I don't need to change the Circumstances - it's ME that I need to change. I'm "up for that" but....haven't a clue what to do. For the moment, I'll tell myself, "the willingness is all."
@MrsHealthandProsperity Hi there! Reading your idea about your life-role I was asking myself: >maybe she did arrive on her stage and plays her favourite role already. Then, why change?<
Maybe you are at your best level already! EN JOY!
Hi LeeLoo - I'm here to tell you - I REFUSE to think this is my "best level" !!!! No way I'm stopping here (or ever, for that matter). As I said to Marketa above, I'm about fed up with listening to myself whining about The Rock & The Hard Place. Neither of them are due to change - as Randy says in his post, it is ME that has to change.
"Why Change?" you ask. In my opinion - if we aren't changing, if we are complacent where we are...we're in the beginning stages of death. As bob dylan said, if we're not busy living we're busy dying. (I paraphrase)
@MrsHealthandProsperity Hi Mrs.Health&Prosperity: ....then go ahead and check what´s left "to become" for you - ´cuz change also means to add new pieces to your big piece - and not only a U-turn. I am sure there are things/experience/knowledge to add so that it feels like change and brings new perspective to your life!! If we keep growing and unfolding, we´re not about to slowly die ;)
@MrsHealthandProsperity I like you sharing your story Mrs. HealthandProsperity. Maybe knowing the decision of "which role are you playing" is the very good solid base. And next step is to love that performance you are creating... It just came to my mind... And then you will see, what will happen....
@Marketa Thanks Marketa - but I gotta tell you, this performance I'm doing right now ("Waaahhhh, I'm caught between a Rock & a Hard Place") is a bit hard to love! What do you do with a whining child...? ;>/
You are right, Marketa: You love them - and then you feed 'em and put 'em down for a nap. When they wake up....we'll see what happens.
It has been my biggest problem going forward and it was actually last week in one of your posts I realized that my problem is, I have not been able to forgive. And I mean myself, I have not been able to move on because I have not forgiven myself. I always came back to something that someone had done to me 20 years ago, and even as far back as into my youth. I had made myself a victim.
Damn good that I found you and your advice Randy.
@PiliCuadrado Hi Maria, a mutual friend mentioned you on #FF. You sound awesome and I'll love to connect. Gracie
We all have the ability to control the meaning we attach to external events.
Exercise this ability and watch your happiness, success, and luck grow.
YES I AM...I have to let go of limiting beliefs..and the self-image I have of myself...thank you...love your posts Randy...short and to the point..
@Sylvia_Longoria Thanks 4 the love!
@akos_fintor Thanks 4 the love!
I just returned home and all time on my way back I was thinking about the same thing... I came home, read the e-mails and something inside wanted to look here and read. Today I realized that I forgive myself who I was, that I believed stories about me... And also, that I closed the circle. This is what I learned: first remove the old painting before you begin to paint. :)
Being not identified with the mind is one crucial step toward awakening (the giant within)
I'm soooooo up for it!
All in all, it means:
a lot to do - to be able to do it!! Lots to obey, lots to follow.
And that means one has to be flexible for change.
And certain reasons like negativity will get us there!
My life just offers a lot of stretching and forming of myself to stay flexible, to being able to choose positiveness all around! It works - up 4 it.
This is something that I have struggled to help people understand for a long time. The idea of taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life. So many people are turned off by some of the tenets of things like the Law of Attraction, because they don't believe you can manifest things in the physical world with your will and thoughts. That's fine, but taking responsibility for things (in or out of your control) allows you a greater level of control over the situation, and ultimately, your life.
Taking responsibility allows you to Change. When you accept that the common denominator in all of your woeful situations (economic problems, social problems, etc.) is YOU, then the only thing left to change is YOU.
Love this topic much. Thanks for the thought provocation.